Stoner High School/Queens and Kings

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This article is part of the Stoner High School series.


Queens and Kings of Stoner High School

Tiffany I
HM Tiffany I, the first Queen of Stoner High - Class of 1981.

HM Queen Tiffany I (1980-1981)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: President of the Confederation of Concerned Students
  • Her Foreign Minister was The Rt. Off. Lord Ralph Sanchez PC, later HM Ralph I
  • Leader of coup d'etat against Principal Dumhaas
  • Proclaimed the Stoner Republic
  • Established government, military, and other institutions
  • Drafted constitution
  • Oversaw renovation and reconstruction of campus
  • Defeated the BHUSD in several battles
  • Went on to attend Stanford
RalphI
HM Ralph I, 1st King of Stoner High - Class of 1982.

HM King Ralph I (1981-1982)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Secretary of the Confederation of Concerned Students, Foreign Minister under Tiffany I\
  • Field commander during the 1st Battle of Stoner High
  • Captain of the SHS debate team
  • Known for his merciless use of colorful language against the educational establishment
  • Initiated tradition of pumping whiskey into the school's artificial river during New Year's
  • Sent SHS Navy task force to aid the British in the Falklands War
  • Went on to attend Harvard
  • His Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Kate Schpade VQ, later HM Kate I
  • See here for a full list of his cabinet members

HM Queen Kate I (1982-1983)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Vice President of the Confederation of Concerned Students, Minister of Finance under Tiffany I, Vice Queen under Ralph I
  • Author of "Dudes of Stoner"
  • Initiated successful petroleum exploration
  • Began construction of Tiffany Steiner International Airport
  • Went on to attend Caltech
  • Her Minister of War was the Rt. Mil. Lady Phoebe Royce PC, later HM Phoebe I.
PhoebeI
HM Phoebe I, 3rd Queen of Stoner High - Class of 1984.

HM Queen Phoebe I (1983-1984)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Minister of War under Kate I
  • Started bimonthly paintball tournament
  • Instituted formal student admissions system
  • Deployed SHS military as "exchange students" to foreign countries
  • Went on to attend Pepperdine
  • Her Minister of War was Vice Field Marshal The Rt. Mil. Lady Candace York TC PC

HM King Ralph II (1984-1985)

  • Party: Brown Keg
  • Prior position: Member of the Board of Governors
  • Established Road Trip Week
  • Ordered the first Stoner New Year's fireworks show
  • Criminalized Twinkie theft
  • Went on to attend Penn State
Conan
HM Greg I, 3rd King of Stoner High - Class of 1985.

HM King Greg I (1985-1986)

JennI
HM Jennifer I, 4th Queen of Stoner High - Class of 1987.

HM Queen Jennifer I (1986-1987)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Lady Chancellor of Greg I's Privy Council
  • Commissioned construction and launch of STONERSAT-1
  • Completed construction of Tiffany Steiner International Airport
  • Went on to attend Dartmouth

HM Queen Jessica I (1987-1988)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police under Jennifer I
  • Doubled the number of extra credit points in circulation
  • Codified statues regarding public nudity and established height-weight regulations
  • Went on to attend UC Berkeley
  • Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency Kelsey Hamilton VQ, later HM Kelsey I
  • Her Minister of Finance was The Rt. Pro. Lady Tina Fey PC.

HM Queen Kelsey I (1988-1989)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Vice Queen under Jessica I
  • Began construction of school subway system
  • Went on to attend Pepperdine
CabbageKing
HM Kevin I, 4th King of Stoner High - Class of 1990.

HM King Kevin I (1989-1990)

  • Party: Brown Coffeepot
  • Prior position: Vice Minister of Agriculture
  • Made the cabbage the official school vegetable
  • Increased hemp and wheat production by 30% to win Brown Keg support
  • Went on to attend Cornell
  • His Foreign Minister was The Rt. Off. Lady Kelsey White PC, later HM Kelsey II

HM Queen Kelsey II (1990-1991)

  • Party: Brown Coffeepot
  • Prior position: Foreign Minister under Kevin I
  • Went on to attend UT-Austin
PhoebeII
HM Phoebe II, 7th Queen of Stoner High - Class of 1991.

HM Queen Phoebe II (1991-1992)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Premier of the Board of Governors
  • Completed construction of school subway system
  • Sent SHS Army & Marines units to help suppress riots in Los Angeles
  • Went on to attend UCLA

HM King Ralph III (1992-1993)

  • Party: Sex
  • Prior position: Reverse cowgirl under Phoebe II
  • Went on to attend Indiana University
  • His Minister of Beverages was the Rt. Wtd. Lord Matthew McDonaugh PC, later HM Matt I

HM King Matt I (1993-1994)

  • Party: Brown Keg
  • Prior position: Minister of Beverages under Ralph III
  • Negotiated vending agreement with Anheuser-Busch
  • Went on to attend Colorado State
  • His Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Phoebe Wilson VQ, later HM Phoebe III

HM Queen Phoebe III (1994-1995)

  • Party: Brown Keg
  • Prior position: Vice Queen under Matt I
  • Initiated Twinkie rationing program
  • Negotiated prosecution pact with Fockersville County Court & District Attorney
  • Went on to attend Harvard
Salute
HM Greg II, 7th King of Stoner High - Class of 1996.

HM King Greg II (1995-1996)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Field Marshal, SHS Imperial Army
  • Pressured US colleges to lift alcohol regulations for Stoner alumni
  • Initiated SHS nuclear program and construction of missile silos on Hill 420
  • Commissioned construction and launch of STONERSAT-2 (rumored orbital cannon)
  • Went on to attend Stanford
  • His Minister of Finance was The Rt. Pro. Lady Brittany Langdon PC, later HM Brittany I
BrittanyI
HM Brittany I, 9th Queen of Stoner High - Class of 1997.

HM Queen Brittany I (1996-1997)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Minister of Finance under Greg II
  • Orchestrated takeover of New York Stock Exchange and SEC
  • Cornered the global market in steel, gold and unobtainium
  • Began construction of student housing.
  • Went on to attend U-Michigan Ann Arbor
  • Her Minister of Beverages was the Rt. Wtd. Lord Ralph Boscoe PC, later HM Ralph IV.

HM King Ralph IV (1997-1998)

  • Party: Brown Keg
  • Prior position: Minister of Beverages under Brittany I
  • Doubled the number of auxiliary beer fountains on campus
  • Went on to attend Penn State

HM King Brandon I (1998-1998)

  • Party: Brown Coffeepot
  • Introduced anti-ball kicking legislation
  • (abdicated due to early graduation)
  • His Vice King was His Imperial Excellency Lord Andrew Fletcher VK, later HM Andrew I

HM King Andrew I (1998-1999)

  • Party: Brown Coffeepot
  • Prior position: Vice King and Director of Controlled Substances under Brandon I
  • Negotiated catering agreement with Hostess
  • Increased Twinkie rations by 20%
  • Went on to attend U-Chicago

HM Queen Phoebe IV (1999-2000)

  • Prior position: CEO of Stoner Airlines
  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • She was fiiiine!
  • Went on to attend Princeton

HM Queen Tiffany II (2000-2001)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Premier of the Board of Governors
  • Established SHS space program
  • Went on to attend Pepperdine
BrandonII
HM Brandon II, 11th King of Stoner High - Class of 2002.

HM King Brandon II (2001-2002)

  • Party: Brown Keg
  • Prior Position: Member of the Board of Governors and Chairman of the Hard Liquor Promotion Subcommittee
  • Featured in numerous Budweiser ads as the "King of Beers."
  • Went on to attend CU-Boulder

HM King Matt II (2002-2003)

  • Party: Brown Coffeepot
  • Prior position: Field Marshal, SHS Imperial Army
  • Sent 500 SHS Army soldiers to Afghanistan
  • Went on to attend West Point
  • His Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police was The Rt. Fsh. Jill Malarkey PC, later HM Jillian I.

HM Queen Jillian I (2003-2004)

  • Party: Brown Coffeepot
  • Prior position: Chief Inspector of the SHS Fashion Police
  • Tightened height-weight restrictions for public nudity
  • Abolished tariffs on the importation of counterfeit designer goods
  • Went on to attend Art Center
  • Her Minister of Finance was the Rt. Pro. Lord Greg Perkins PC, later HM Greg III.

HM King Greg III (2004-2005)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Minister of Finance under Jillian I
  • Ordered the carpet bombing of several remaining BHUSD schools
  • Presided over 30% economic growth
  • Authorized the sale of wine in vending machines alongside beer
  • Signed the Ninja Statue of 2005
  • Went on to attend the Imperial Institute of Procrastinatory Science
  • His Minister of Beverages was The Rt. Wtd. Lord Tyler McLaughlin PC
  • His Lady Chancellor and Minister of Finance was the Rt. Pro. Lady Tiffany Kohl PC, later Tiffany III
Tiffany III
HM Tiffany III, 13th Queen of Stoner High - Class of 2006.

HM Queen Tiffany III (2005-2006)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior position: Lady Chancellor of Greg III's Privy Council
  • Ordered the use of an SHS nuclear artillery battery against the Black Hand Unified School District football team, drawing a barrage of angry letters from the United Nations and complaints of unilateralism by France
  • Initiated privatization of school government Twinkie monopoly
  • Oversaw successful moon landing of SHS astronauts
  • Used the Stoner military to defuse the Tyler Incident
  • Outlawed the Orange Kitten party
  • Went on to attend the Imperial Institute of Procrastinatory Science
  • Her Minister of Beverages was The Rt. Wtd. Lady Jane Markowitz PC
SophieI
HM Sophie I, 14th Queen of Stoner High School - Class of 2007.

HM Queen Sophie I (2006-2007)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior Position: Marshal of the Imperial Air Force
  • Elected following the Tyler Incident
  • Outlawed the huffing of Melange Spice kittens
  • Established a Stoner moon base (far out, man...)
  • Sent additional SHS forces to Iraq in conjunction with the US troop surge
  • Went on to attend Princeton
  • Her Minister of Finance was The Rt. Pro. Lady Teresa Osborne, later HM Teresa I
  • Her Minister of War was The Rt. Mil. Lady Ashley Farnborough PC, later Vice Queen and HM Ashley I
  • Her Director of Controlled Substances was Sir Maximilian DeLarkey
  • Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Jane Markowitz VQ
Teresa
HM Teresa I, 15th Queen of Stoner High School.

HM Queen Teresa I (2007-2008)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior Position: Minister of Finance under Queen Sophie I
  • Negotiated the successful weed export agreement with Costco as Minister of Finance.
  • Doubled the size of the contract by the end of her reign, bringing in 1.337 trillion extra credit points over the previously agreed to 666
  • Expanded the size of the SHS moon base and launched a hydroponic weed farming program.
  • Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Ashley Farnborough VQ, later HM Ashley I
  • Her Minister of War was the Rt. Mil. Field Marshal Lord Leroy Jenkins PC
AshleyFarnborough2
HM Ashley I, 16th Queen of Stoner High School.

HM Queen Ashley I (2008-2009)

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior Position: Vice Queen Under Queen Teresa I
  • Made billions in the financial markets by short-selling subprime mortgage-backed securities.
  • Her Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Nicole Poppins VQ, 29th Duchess of Hazzard
  • Her Minister of Beverages was the Rt. Wtd. Lady Stella Malenkova PC, later Vice Queen
  • Her Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police was the Rt. Fsh. Lord Ryan O'Neill PC, later HM Ryan I
  • Her Director of Controlled Substances was Sir Josh White
  • Added Cuba and the Northwest Territories to the list of Stoner's colonial possessions.
  • Signed the Fabric Act of 2009

HM King Ryan I (2009-2010)

  • Party: Brown Coffeepot
  • Prior Position: Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police under HM Ashley I
  • His Vice Queen was Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Stella Malenkova VQ
  • His Foreign Minister was The Rt. Off. Lady Holly O'Leary PC
  • New trade agreements signed with South Korea, Colombia

HM Queen Tiffany IV (2010-2011

  • Party: Blue Coalition
  • Prior Position: Minister of Foreign Affairs, Trysts & Other Liaisons under HM Ryan I
  • Her Vice King was Lord Mike Duncan
  • FTAs signed with most European and East Asian countries



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