Stoner High School/History

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This article is part of the Stoner High School series.


LadyLaziness

Artist's conception of the school's personification, Lady Laziness holding the Torch of Sloth.


Introduction

To appreciate the amazing institution that is Stoner High School, we must examine a prior history of base and venal tyranny at the hands of the educational establishment that must be found distasteful, at least. The following history has been carefully compiled from extensive interviews and study of contemporary primary sources.

Early History

In the beginning, there was Principal Dumhaas. And it was bad. Really, REALLY bad.[1]

Jimbo Vendetta

Propaganda poster of Eldred B. Stoner, circa 1965.

Founding

Stoner High School was established in 1934 by Eldred B. Stoner, superintendent of the Black Hand Unified School District, as "a place where children would be obedient."[2] This mission statement proved a miserable failure from the very beginning, and the school authorities had a tense relationship with the student body at all times. Although they attempted to crush all opposition via detentions, suspensions, and even expulsions, they were never able to subjugate the student population. Many teachers were sympathetic to students and respected as such; those who were not were endlessly bombarded by spitballs and were permanently afraid to sit down in any non-student chair for fear of another strike by the secretive Thumbtack Brotherhood.

Some students have suggested that the mission statement of SHS as "a place where children would be obedient" be kept simply for the sheer irony of it, but it was decided by referendum after the Revolution to abolish the slogan for the even greater sheer absurdity of it. However, Stoner's name remains attached to the school, having been found coincidentally appropriate by the post-revolutionary government.

The Rise of the Dumhaas

Geoghanofficer

The evil Principal Dumhaas.

Appointed by the BHSUD at the school's founding to control Stoner High School's "rowdy" students, Principal Dumhaas ruled with an iron fist. He was infamous for disciplining students for many various insignificant offences. A strict dress code, lunch food consisting primarily of roadkill, a complete ban on beer, wine and spirits (he even rejected a petition to legalize just beer by using the fallacious "slippery slope" argument), fascist substitutes, total lack of telephone or telegraph access, monthly rent of $500 on parking spaces and a speed limit of 2 mph and "ski slope" grading with large numbers of F, E and C- grades and no A or B grades were only some of the complaints. Dumhaas was also known to discipline students on flimsy evidence and questionable witness testimony (possibly coerced or even fabricated) and to ignore the calls of irritated parents. An endless procession of lies and propaganda about creating "well-rounded students" was only true in the sense that those who kissed up to Principal Dumhaas were rewarded with sticks of butter and jars of lard - an incentive which did indeed make them very well-rounded.

Dumhaasfoodkitten

Typical cafeteria fare under Dumhaas.

School badge

The Dumhaas family shield.

Needless to say, anger boiled in each student of every type.[3] It goes without saying that Principal Dumhaas's approval rating was exactly zero. Why, then, was nothing done? The main impediment to the overthrow of this absurd regime was the fact that after one or two years of Dumhaas's twisted rule, just about every student quit and enrolled in normal private schools. Indeed, until 1979, the school did not even have a junior or senior class. Ironically, the calamity of Dumhaas's rule proved the means by which he ensured his survival for quite a long period of time; because of the high student turnover, it was virtually impossible for anyone to mount any organized resistance against Dumhaas since those who left the school did their best to forget their experience while attending it and thus were of little help. The year Stoner High had upperclassmen was the year things began to change.

The Decline

By 1980, Dumhaas was a very old man, attempting to substitute bluster and indiscriminate wrath for his declining physical and mental strength. His grip on the school was slowly fading, and students enjoyed ever so slightly incrementally greater freedoms (and some even stayed past their sophomore year). None of this was Dumhaas's will, but neither was his increasing senility.

In fact, the presence of junior and senior classes would prove to be his downfall. A highly organized and motivated clique of students formed the Confederation of Concerned Students and began secretly plotting Dumhaas's overthrow. All they needed was an opening, a sign, some sort of opportunity.[4] They would not wait in vain.

Coup d'etat and Aftermath

Dumhaas

Principal Dumhaas, after being deposed by brave vanguards of the Confederation of Concerned Students.

The September Riots and Dumhaas's Fall

Soon after the beginning of the 1980-1981 school year, a student garage band known as the "Axis of Weasels" wrote a song known as "Corruption" exposing the many abuses of power under Principal Dumhaas. The widespread distribution of this song outraged the principal, who initated a crackdown on student speech that threatened to not only quash all dissent, but ban certain words like "dude", "like", and "whatever". Predictably, enforcement of this rule eventually extended to such innocuous phrases as "like-minded", "dude ranch", and "whatever the consequences". This proved too much for the student body. All hell (or Heaven) broke loose barely into the second week of school. Riots erupted on campus that lasted for weeks, and most of Dumhaas's henchmen (composed primarily of unpopular teachers and brown nosing students) were either captured and tied up or retreated to the principal's office.

Seizing the chance, members of the Confederation of Concerned Students quickly recruited hundreds of angry students and staged a coup d'etat, overwhelming Principal Dumhaas's few remaining supporters and ambushing him in his office while he was taking his daily huff. They quickly subdued him and duct taped him to the wall, where he remained for three weeks to be mocked and pelted with garbage. Thus the totalitarian dictatorship of Principal Dumhaas was ended and replaced with a representative democracy.

Tiff

Miss Tiffany Steiner proclaims the fall of Dumhaas and the establishment of the Stoner Republic.

Stoner Republic

The Confederation called an assembly in the school auditorium and Tiffany Steiner, the President of the Confederation, proclaimed the Stoner Republic; the date was October 5th, 1980, henceforth known as Revolution Day. The ASB (also known as the Supreme Soviet) and the local chapter of the National Honor Society were disbanded, the school newspaper Pravda (also known as the SHS Daily Asskisser) was banned, bell-curve grading was abolished, and all political/academic prisoners were freed from detention. Grade hyperinflation skyrocketed, resulting in many Stoner seniors being accepted to prestigious Ivy League schools such as Yale and Princeton. Surprisingly, this trend has shown no sign of abating; it is suspected that freedom from the smothering influence of the educational bureaucracy may have actually motivated the students, something once considered utterly inconceivable.[5]

Stoner's First Year of Independence

Nuremberg

Infamous teachers and substitutes were put on trial in the winter of 1980.

Elections were scheduled for the next month for the new government. In the meantime, the provisional government held a series of trials in which infamous teachers and substitutes were called to account for their various crimes against the student body. Relying primarily on massive amounts of witness testimony from victims (and even a number of teachers), prosecutors lead by the school mock trial team successfully uncovered the true dark legacy of Dumhaas's rule and established the legitimacy of the Stoner Republic.

Dumhaas himself was tried last before a jury of the entire student body and was unanimously convicted. He was then shot by a firing squad.

Firingsquad

Principal Dumhaas's end at the hands of the SHS Police Department was not an enviable one.

Miss Steiner was elected queen of the student body and crowned as Her Majesty Queen Tiffany the First. At the end of the school year, elections were held once again and resulted in the election of incoming senior Ralph Sanchez, henceforth known as His Majesty King Ralph the First.

During the reign of Tiffany I, most of the school's existing drab buildings were demolished and a massive construction programme was undertaken to build new facilities more resembling an office park than a school. Gardens and trees were also planted, as were surface-to-air missile sites and pillboxes. A number of other institutions were established including the various ministries of state and the military. A constitution was drafted and the foundation was laid for Stoner's later economic success, which was to be forged by private students in a fit of (depending on whom you ask) drunken frenzy or capitalistic eudaimonia.

The Black Hand Unified School District attempted to retake the school several times during this first perilous year, but they were repelled each time by the SHS Army and police along with the sizeable student militias.



Shscoat

1. Home
2. History
3. Stoner Today
4. Controversies
5. Economy
6. Government & Politics
7. Military

8. Geography
9. School songs
10. Famous speeches
11. Election history
12. Calendar of Events
13. Queens and Kings
14. Photo Album

References

  1. Oral testimony from just about everyone who was around at the time. AND their mothers too.
  2. Stoner, E.B. (1934) A Rod Not Spared.
  3. Sanchez, R. (1982) Why We Did It. Time Magazine.
  4. Steiner, T. (2007) Memoirs of a Queen.
  5. Hurwicz, Professor L. (1987) "On The Unanticipated Success of Stoner High School." Rutgers University.
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