Stoner High School/Government & Politics
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Officers of State
Stoner High has the distinction of being the world's only elected monarchy (with the possible exception of the Vatican). This has befuddled political scientists to no end, but the concept is in reality quite simple.
Stoner High is run by the elected Queen or King, who is always a senior and therefore always serves a one-year term. Reelection is constitutionally impermissible. He or she is elected at the end of the previous year by the outgoing and incoming seniors and the incoming juniors and sophomores. The office is nonpartisan, although the affiliation tends to be well-publicized. Accountability is maintained by a YES/NO referendum at the end of first semester. To date, it has never been necessary to recall the monarch.
The monarch is both head of state and head of government and has the power to veto legislation, to appoint the Privy Council, to command the school military, to sign treaties with other schools (subject to approval by the Board of Governors), and to issue emergency decrees which have a maximum enforcement duration of twenty school days.
In general reference, the sovereign is simply styled "His/Her Majesty the King/Queen" or "King/Queen Regnalname".
The Vice Sovereign
There is also a Vice Queen or King who is elected the day after Sovereign (giving the Sovereign the chance to endorse their favored candidate). He or she is next in the line of succession in case of the abdication of the current Queen or King (this has only happened once, due to early graduation). He or she also serves as Interim Queen or King during the absence or incapacity of the monarch and holds an ex officio seat in the Board of Governors and the Privy Council. The Vice monarch receives daily CC'd dispatches from the offices of the Sovereign and the Premier, as well as free supplies of Twinkies and beer for the duration of his or her term. He or she, as Vice Sovereign, also is responsible for indulging his or her chosen vice to the greatest extent possible. Many Vice Sovereigns elected as juniors have gone on to win election to the monarchy, although the vice throne is also a highly prestigious terminal office for graduating seniors.
Occasionally, the defeated runner-up in an election for the throne is then elected Vice Sovereign, as each party's candidate for the former position tends to be their strongest.
The Vice Sovereign is properly styled "His/Her Imperial Excellency the Lord/Lady Firstname Lastname VQ".
The Privy Council
The Privy Council consists of ten seniors, five juniors, and five sophomores, all of whom are appointed by the monarch or elected at his or her discretion (generally, the seniors are all appointed and most of the juniors and sophomores elected). The monarch may also dismiss any member at will, although it is generally considered somewhat bad form to dismiss one and this is generally done only if they are extremely obnoxious or excessively contrary to the Sovereign, or if they show up drunk, high or stoned to each and every Privy Council meeting, which gets rather annoying even if it is understandable.
Meetings of the Privy Council may be presided over by the sovereign themselves, or by the Lord Chancellor, who is elected from within the council for this purpose and has no additional executive powers by virtue of that particular office. The Privy Council meets daily, with the Sovereign present about 70% of the time.
It is a combination of upper legislative house and executive cabinet. Voting in the Council rarely goes against the Sovereign's wishes due to the fact that the monarch appoints most of the members and can dismiss any at will, but members who dissent with his or her decisions may resign in protest. This is very unusual and is considered a very strong statement if said member was appointed by the Sovereign in the first place. In addition, the Sovereign often does not make his or her position on a measure known before a vote in order to get honest advice and voting from his or her Privy Council.
Members of the Privy Council are often given ministerial portfolios. The most important of these are:
- The Minister of Beverages (The Right Wasted, Rt. Wtd)
- The Procrastinator-General (The Right Dilatory, Rt. Dil)
- The Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police (The Right Fashionable, Rt. Fsh)
- The Minister of Finance (The Right Profitable, Rt. Pro. - all government-issued extra credit checks bear the Minister's signature)
- The Minister of WAR (The Right Militaristic, Rt. Mil the last word is officially in all caps, although this is not strictly adhered to)
- The Minister of Foreign Affairs, Trysts, & Other Liaisons (The Right Offensive)
All members of the Privy Council are entitled to use the title "Lord" or "Lady" as well.
In addition to these appointed officials, each ministry has several secretariats under the control of vice ministers, who in turn oversee various directorates. One notable such agency is the Directorate of Controlled Substances, which exists both to promote and control the use of various substances at the Stoner campus. Chief among these is Twinkies, which have been the subject of continued controversy at the school. It wields bureaucratic power significantly in excess of its official designation, and the Director of Controlled Substances is considered a resume builder on par with a senior vice ministerial office.
Independent from the various departments is the Office of Mayhem Evaluation, which ensures that a sufficient amount of desirable mayhem has been generated by the government's policies. This is in line with Schumpeter's principle of "creative destruction".
The Board of Governors
There is also an elected Board of Governors (colloquially, the "Bored") consisting of 100 seniors, 100 juniors, and 100 sophomores. Freshmen have 10 elected non-voting representatives.
The Board meets daily for one and a half hours per day.
The Board must give its advice and consent to the Sovereign's appointments to the Privy Council (by a majority vote) and can overturn decisions of the Sovereign and the Privy Council (by a two-thirds vote). It can originate legislation, but said legislation must be approved by a majority of the Privy Council and signed by the Sovereign before going into effect. The board has the exclusive power to declare WAR on other schools.
The Board elects a Premier, who presides over Board meetings and has procedural powers (which can have substantive effects) but holds no other special executive or legislative power.
The Board also includes a number of committees including, among others:
- Hard Liquor Promotion
- Controlled Substances (with oversight over the Directorate of Controlled Substances)
- Royal Instructor Review Commission
- Conventional Warfare
- Alumni Relations
All members of the Board of Governors are permitted to use the honorific prefix of "The Right Honourable" and the title of Governor.
Other governing entities
The Regents Commission
The Regents are the supreme civil judicial authority of Stoner High School. Five are appointed by the Sovereign, seven are elected from the Board of Governors by the vote of that body, eight are elected from the general population of sophomores, juniors and seniors by popular vote, and five are elected by the alumni (and may be alumni themselves). The Regents also have the limited power to interpret laws, subject to clarificatory resolutions issued by the Board.
The Courts of Praetors
Four lower courts (one for each class) composed of nine popularly elected Praetors oversee lesser cases. Seats on the Freshman Court of Praetors are the only elected offices (aside from non-voting members of the Board) that may be held by freshmen (and only freshmen).
Criminal cases, of which there are relatively few, are adjudicated by the Magistrate Court, which consists of five appointed Magistrates, students who have completed the Criminal Law elective.
You can always find a party on the Stoner High campus.
Major parties include:
Brown Keg Party
The Stoner High Brown Keg Party is also known as the "Browns" or the "Drinkers". Its primary constituency is frequent alcohol and drug users. Generally regarded as the the largest party on campus by volume in both in gallons and decibels, though it is only a distant second by political influence and official membership (attendance at its campaign rallies tends to far exceed this core number; the political efficacy of these events remains in doubt). Its share of the vote is around 25% in monarchical elections and it counts 5 former kings and queens among its membership. Its strength in the Board is somewhat higher, fluctuating between 27 and 35% of the total membership.
The platform of the Brown Keg Party may be aptly summed up in one of its earliest slogans, "Beer, Bongs and Broads," also known as the Three B's. Some view this slogan as alienating to the female constituency, although they were likely sober when they realized this and thus were probably not members of the party itself.
The flag of the Brown Keg Party has two brown stripes, representing beer; one black stripe, representing blacking out and the party's motto "Better to have a good time you can't remember than a bad one you can." The three white X's represent hard liquor.
Brown Coffeepot Syndicate
The Stoner High Brown Coffeepot Syndicate is also known as the "Dark Browns" or the "Dry Drinkers". Its primary constituency is caffeine and sugar addicts, compulsive kitten huffers and rehabilitated drug users. As the third largest party on campus commanding about 20% of the vote, the Coffeepot Syndicate frequently allies with the two larger parties (the Blue Coalition and the Brown Kegs) when it wants to pass legislation. Its campaign events tend to be high-brow affairs at independent cafes or Starbucks. 6 former monarchs were associated with the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate.
The flag of the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate has a coffee cup roundel, with a black and white canton. The white symbolizes coffee cream, while the black symbolizes drip. The brown field represents the combination of the two.
The Stoner High Blue Coalition is also known as the "Blues" or the "Thinkers". It is the direct descendant of the Confederation of Concerned Students. Approximately 50% of student voters are members of the Blue Coalition, and 18 of 30 monarchs emeritus are associated with the party. It is generally regarded as an "umbrella" party due to its broad appeal, but its constituency can be roughly defined as high-achieving (defined as: having the best-looking college application while doing as little actual work as possible) students, chronic procrastinators, and just about everyone who's not in the other parties, since they tend to have the strongest platform and the best electoral strategists. It is known for hosting the "Homework Bonfire", an event held the day after graduation in which outgoing seniors burn all of their accumulated homework; the heat energy is then harnessed to turbocharge the school's massive primary beer fountain, which is specially loaded with whiskey for the occasion.
Its platform is best described as a fiery mix of foreign imperialism, domestic militarism, laissez-faire capitalism, libertarian social mores, and an equal respect for all controlled and uncontrolled substances.
The Blue Coalition flag has a blue field, representing elitism, a yellow diagonal streak representing imperialism, a black diagonal streak representing militarism, and a 24-pointed star representing prosperity and grade inflation.
These minor parties rarely win seats on the Board, but almost never anything higher. They also run perennially unsuccessful candidates in monarchical elections. Together, they make up approximately 5% of the vote at most.
The Stoner High Racist Front, which is comprised of hardcore NASCAR fans, drag racers, KKK members and Black Panthers. It is not known how these factions get along, but many experts have noted the unifying design of the Racists' flag, which incorporates the wishes of all the party's constituencies: black for black supremacism, white for, well, white supremacism, and the checkerboard pattern for the racers.
They are a prominent presence at NASCAR rallies in California, usually in the audience waving their party flag (often causing some confusion) but sometimes as protesters if the venue organizers refuse to let them in. Generally regarded as harmless, since SHS security forces deter any violence. Most of their events occur on rented tracks and not on school property, with racers competing on the track while the KKK and Black Panthers protest in the middle. They are known for attempting to distribute flyers on campus advertising these upcoming races and rallies.
They are the hosts of the Racist-Chauvinist rallies, in conjunction with the Chauvinist Union.
The Stoner High Chauvinist Union is also known as the "Crimsons" or the "Winkers". Its primary constituency is dudes who are really pissed at their ex-girlfriends. Porn addicts are also reliable party members. Tends to have volatile membership. It is infamous for serving mac and cheese and hiring strippers at all of its campaign events.
Many members of the Chauvinist Union compete in the Racist Front's stock car rallies, favoring large heavy vehicles such as Ford and Chevy pickups, while the Racists usually use decommissioned armored cars in the "Bull Connor" configuration, or pimpmobiles in "50 Cent" trim. They also appear at the co-sponsored Racist-Chauvinist rallies.
The Chauvinist flag is bursting with a torrid flow of phallic symbolism, with the crimson diamond representing the "head" and the orange V representing the "shaft". The two pink semi-circles represent the hymen, which is being penetrated by the head and shaft. A maroon background uses color association to provide a general atmosphere of male dominance.
League of Feminist Voters
The Stoner High League of Feminist Voters (generally referred to as the Feminist Party) is also known as the "Pinks" or the "Pinkers". Not surprisingly, its primary constituency is chicks who are really pissed at their ex-boyfriends. Tends to have volatile membership. Because there are no fat chicks or ugly lesbians at SHS, the Feminist Party is significantly smaller than it would be at most other high schools.
In contrast to the Chauvinist Union, the Feminist Party is extremely serious about its ideology and issues angry statements whenever it is made light of in the press. Its unofficial slogan is "That's not funny," properly delivered with a severe frown.
Its sworn enemy is the Sex Party, which it frequently clashes with. This often results in mud wrestling that the Sex Party supporters generally win due to their far higher level of routine exercise and physical conditioning.
The flag of the Feminist Party is largely self-explanatory. It is banned in Germany and Austria.
The Stoner High Sex Party, whose platform has broad support but whose members tend not to have the energy to campaign for office. Many candidates prefer to use the Internet to release campaign videos, many of which receive a great many downloads even from Brown Keg members. However, the efficacy of these videos in actually garnering votes is somewhat questionable. The party did succeed at a monarchical election in 1992, when Ralph Schiesskopf, the "Bill Clinton of Stoner High School" and fiance of the outgoing Blue Coalition Queen Phoebe II, won due to a split among the three major parties that caused most voters to abstain from voting altogether, though this abstinence was of a strictly political nature.
The Sex Party's positions tend to favor missionary, doggy style, and cowgirl. They have, however, been known to reverse the cowgirl position at some more boisterous campaign rallies. This generally goes uncriticized in the press, since it is a favorite of the cameramen.
Really minor parties
The Stoner High Nudist Party, whose platform (and members) are self-explanatory. They are allied with the Sex Party although they are more moderate on behavioral issues, preferring to focus on appearances.
The Stoner High Bluenose Party, advocating a total ban on alcohol on campus. Membership is approximately two. A bill introduced in the Board of Governors to outlaw the party entirely was vetoed by the monarch on the grounds that "we need something to laugh at." Not surprisingly, its flag is a redesign of the old British Union of Fascists flag.
The Stoner High Tourist Party, composed entirely of exchange students. Rarely makes any headway, since exchange students' term is one year and they are thus never eligible to stand for election.
The Stoner High Nerdist Clan, which fortunately has no crossover with the Nudist Party. It is generally known as a secretive and introspective organization full of l33t haxx0rs and other people, although it by no means includes most of the SHS computer savvy community.
The Stoner High Emo Council, which also includes Goths and other weird kids. Relatively small in number, it rarely wins any elections. Its members linger in the grave, savoring black illusions with the gargoyles of their mind. The forbidden blood tends to flow repeatedly since they always seem to cross the street instead of going down the highway.
The Stoner High Voyeurist Party, which advances the philosophy of voyeurism. It is closely monitored by agents of the Stoner High School Ministry of Internal Security, but doesn't really mind.
Although it operates on an democratic system domestically, Stoner High School's foreign policy is generally one of imperialist expansionism. Its colonial possessions are ruled with an iron fist by viceroys or military governors-general. Nevertheless, Stoner High School maintains a cordial relationship with most of the Free World including the United States, although it has been at a constant state of cold war with the U.S. Department of Education since the SHS Revolution of 1980. Stoner spurns international organizations such as the UN in order to protect its sovereignty. It has been repeatedly invited into OPEC but has always declined, as PetroStoner believes it is in its best interest to have control over its own pricing. SHS does hold membership in the OECD and NATO, but at arms length.
Stoner has technically been at war with the Black Hand Unified School District from which it seceded since 1980, but because Stoner's military power has exceeded that of the BHUSD by an extremely wide margin and Stoner furthermore is believed to possess a nuclear deterrent capibility, there has been little actual fighting in recent years. Rumors exist that Stoner plans to finish off the remnants of the BHUSD shortly.
There have been suggestions in the US media that Stoner should be made the fifty-first state of the United States. However, the government of Stoner has repeatedly asserted that the present state of "free association" is preferable to actual statehood, primarily because Stoner does not wish to be subject to the supremacy clause of the US Constitution stipulating the primacy of federal over state law. Furthermore, the federal drinking age of 21 has been repeatedly declared absolutely unacceptable by the SHS government.
Stoner High School has played a crucial role in thwarting the nefarious schemes of OPEC and Hugo Chavez. PetroStoner has historically matched all production cuts by foreign oil producers by executing a corresponding increase in production, pocketing a greater share of the profits while maintaining the market price. SHS's petroleum production policies have earned it a reputation as the savior of Wall Street.
Police & legal system
Stoner High School operates under an unusual legal system in that it generally cannot issue prison sentences in excess of 24 hours (or any other form of involuntary servitude or confinement) or condemn prisoners to capital punishment. The reason for this is that SHS students are technically free to drop out of the school at any time and are no longer under its jurisdiction if they do so (so long as they do not set foot on campus). Therefore, the most severe punishment possible is dishonorable expulsion. Any crimes more severe are referred to the Fockersville County Court where offenders can be prosecuted to the full extent of US law. This is quite rare, since nobody wants to get "focked" by the extremely severe judges there who tend to impose draconian punishments on everyone convicted in their courts. Rumours of extra credit points changing hands between the SHS government and the county court have yet to be substantiated. The current chief prosecutor for the county is a Stoner alumna and has reported ties with the SHS Ministry of Internal Security.
Date rape is probably the most dangerous crime to commit at Stoner High and tends to result in the date rapist being set upon by an angry mob, beaten, tarred, feathered, and brought to the Fockersville County Court where they are sentenced to decade-long prison terms. Not surprisingly, there has been only one date rape in the school's history.
A sampling of SHS's legal code follows:
- Littering - fine of 250 extra credit points (the sticking of gum under tables carries a double penalty).
- Vandalism - fine ranging from 500-1000 extra credit points and/or one week suspension
- Consuming Twinkies beyond the legal limit - one day's suspension, suspension of Twinkie ration for one month
- Petty theft - one week suspension, suspension of Twinkie ration for two weeks
- Battery - two week suspension
- Treason - dishonorable expulsion
- Public nudity is semi-legal and governed by a host of regulations involving, among other things, strict height/weight ratios. This, combined with warm California weather, raging libidos, and huge quantities of alcohol, is credited with reducing the SHS obesity rate to zero.
- Of course, there is no minimum legal drinking age.
Order is maintained at SHS by the Stoner High School Police Department, consistently ranked among the top police forces in the world. Besides the usual functions such as a traffic bureau and a SWAT team, the SHSPD also has a Twinkie Crimes Bureau. Unlike most police departments, there is no vice squad. The SHSPD bakery is a mecca for donut lovers worldwide.
The existence of a shadowy Stoner High School Secret Police intended to ferret out and eliminate agents of the Black Hand Unified School District is neither confirmed nor denied by the student government, but, like Delta Force, everyone knows about it.