Stoner High School/Election history

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This article is part of the Stoner High School series.

Election Results, 2010

Candidates

Hollyoleary

Victorious candidate Holly O'Leary (regnal name Tiffany IV)

The 2010 elections for the 2010-2011 monarchy were won by HM Ryan I's Minister of Foreign Affairs, Trysts & Other Liaisons Holly O'Leary, endorsed by the Blue Coalition, following a general election and a runoff election. She defeated:

  • The Rt. Stoned Brad Jones of the Brown Keg Party, member of the Board of Governors and Brown Keg Party Chairman.
  • Evan Bryce of the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, secretary-general of Kitten Huffers Anonymous.
  • Praetor Third Class Vinny Romano, of the Chauvinist Union, brother of outgoing senior & Praetor First Class Brock Romano, member of the Sophomore Court of Praetors and deputy emcee of the Guido Clubbing Club.
  • Haley Yates of the League of Feminist Voters, a TV talk show co-host on STONERSAT-2.
  • Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump of the Racist Front, a NASCAR racing champion and white supremacist.
  • Amber Steele of the Sex Party, pop-up ad internet webcam model and adult magazine editor.

The subsequent election for the vice-monarchy was won by Lord Mike Duncan, Ryan I's Chief Magistrate.

General Election, June 15th

Candidate Party (unofficial) Votes %
The Rt. Off. Lady Holly O'Leary PC Blue Coalition 308591 55.28
The Rt. Std. Brad Jones Brown Keg Party 108256 19.39
Evan Bryce Brown Coffeepot Syndicate 106,721 19.12
Praetor 3c Vinny Romano, JD Chauvinist Union 21,301 4.97
Haley Yates League of Feminist Voters 6112 1.09
Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump Racist Front 666 .11
Amber Steele Sex Party 69 0
 Total 558169 100

Analysis

Relations with the United States played a major role in the 2010 elections. While Stoner's libertarian political culture is anathema to social conservatives, economic leftists have also long viewed the school as a threat, as an example of the outsize efficacy of free-market economic policies. Hostility among Stoner students to the increasingly populist economic stance of the Obama administration resulted in greater support for the Blue Coalition's economic platform, which combines strongly laissez-faire internal policies with aggressive positioning as a tax haven abroad.

The possibility of reduced demand for Stoner goods in the US as a result of prolonged recession worsened by government mismanagement has made foreign trade a prominent political issue, with all of the major parties calling for increased exports worldwide.

While the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate and the Brown Keg Party did not differ from the Blue Coalition on this issue, their candidates lacked the credibility that Minister O'Leary possessed through her many well-documented escapades in foreign tabloids. As a darling of the global gutter press O'Leary was able to exercise nefarious feminine influence over foreign governments in order to score diplomatic victories for Stoner High School. While the US government delayed in signing free trade agreements with Colombia and South Korea, O'Leary negotiated agreements with both countries, vastly increasing the competitiveness of Stoner goods which were already in demand (Stoner cannabis was highly prized by Colombian addicts over the domestic product despite a 69% import tariff imposed by the Colombian authorities).

O'Leary's campaign promise to continue boom-era growth rates that had been sustained during the financial crisis proved the strongest message to a student body largely satisfied with its near-total access to caffeine, alcohol, and controlled substances and increasingly interested in financial prosperity.

Election Results, 2009

Candidates

Fsh

Victorious candidate Ryan O'Neill during his tenure as Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police on a state visit to France, accompanied by Vice Minister of Beverages Pam McKenzie.

The 2009 elections for the 2009-2010 monarchy were won by Chief Inspector of the Fashion Police Ryan O'Neill, endorsed by the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, following a general election and a runoff election. He defeated:

  • Sir Josh White of the Blue Coalition, Director of Controlled Substances under HM Ashley I.
  • The Rt. Wtd. Lady Stella Malenkova PC of the Brown Keg Party, Minister of Beverages under HM Ashley I.
  • Praetor Second Class Brock Romano, of the Chauvinist Union, a member of the Junior Court of Praetors and president of the Guido Clubbing Club.
  • Haley Yates of the League of Feminist Voters, a TV talk show co-host on STONERSAT-2.
  • Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump of the Racist Front, a NASCAR racing champion and white supremacist.
  • Samantha Kim of the Sex Party, co-record-holder for the most one-night stands in a month at SHS (31, shared with 27 other students).

The subsequent election for the vice-monarchy was won by Lady Malenkova.

General Election, June 15th

Candidate Party (unofficial) Votes %
The Rt. Fsh. Lord Ryan O'Neill PC Brown Coffeepot Syndicate 181022 33.45
The Rt. Wtd. Lady Stella Malenkova PC Brown Keg Party 157853 29.14
Sir Josh White KS Blue Coalition 155953 28.80
Praetor 2c Brock Romano, JD BS ADD Chauvinist Union 40184 7.42
Haley Yates League of Feminist Voters 5832 1.07
Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump Racist Front 666 .12
Samantha Kim Sex Party 69 0
 Total 557873 100

Runoff, June 17th

Candidate Party (unofficial) Votes %
The Rt. Fsh. Lord Ryan O'Neill Brown Coffeepot Syndicate 279870 50.17
The Rt. Wtd. Lady Stella Malenkova Brown Keg Party 277938 49.83
 Total 477,799 100

Analysis

Due to the prescient investment strategies of several SHS hedge funds, income from new conquests of foreign territory, and HM Ashley I's continuance of traditional loose monetary and tight fiscal policies, the Stoner economy largely avoided the fallout of the global financial crisis of September 2008. As a result, the economy was a minimal factor in the election.

Instead, what was described as a mounting "fashion crisis" was a subject of serious concern at Stoner. This crisis, involving the alarming trend of some students to wear spandex leggings under their skirts, prompted the Board of Governors to pass the Fabric Act of 2009 outlawing certain (ab)uses of spandex. It would appear that the salience of the fashion issue was a major factor in O'Neill's election, as he drafted the original Fabric Act legislation and submitted it to the Board, and then subsequently ran for the throne on a platform of banning spandex entirely. While public support was lower for this measure (about 90% instead of 99%), it garnered a huge number of votes, with exit polls showing many votes for O'Neill primarily based on the strength of this policy proposal.

Pregnant tot5

O'Neill's anti-smock proposals were unanimously popular among voters.

O'Neill also extended his platform to encompass wearers of smocks, appropriating Maddox's "tit curtains" image as a campaign poster. Support for this measure was even higher, and all other candidates save the Feminists were forced to concede that it was, on the whole, a highly appropriate preventative measure against any such clothing ever making an appearance at SHS.

As the election was the Blue Coalition's worst showing in over a decade, some pundits declared the era of that party's dominance at an end. However, it would seem that a variety of other factors specific to the White candidacy were largely to blame. White himself was unable to speak as effectively to the situation as either O'Neill or Malenkova and as Director of Controlled Substances largely relied on promises to improve drug and alcohol distribution on campus. For once, this was not a major campaign issue and the White campaign failed to realize this, refusing their strategy even in the face of rare public criticism of the campaign's performance by the Queen. White also did not capitalize on the Coalition's traditional foreign policy and economics strengths, instead attempting to beat the mind-altering-substance-oriented parties on a back-burner issue.

In fact, over reliance on Queen Ashley I's spectacular popularity (with over 90% approval ratings) may have contributed to White's downfall. With two prominent friends and ministers in her cabinet, Lord O'Neill and Lady Malenkova running as candidates on the other tickets, she avoided campaigning for anyone, including White. Thus her immense popularity and widespread approval of her severe crackdown on spandex-wearing practices did not carry over to White despite their shared party affiliation. The Queen felt no such compunction to avoid campaigning for Blue Coalition candidates for the Board of Governors, however, and the party actually expanded its share of the seats in that chamber, nearly capturing an absolute majority. To declare the Blue Coalition dead at this point would be extraordinarily premature.

Malenkova

Malenkova having a drink at the pre-funk for one of her rallies.

Malenkova's "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Spandex" slogans and ads won widespread acclaim and also vastly increased attendance at Brown Keg rallies, particularly among male students. She was finally successful in reducing the party's over-reliance on alcohol issues by taking on O'Neill's fashion platform and matching its proposals with her own, which were just as strict. This broadened the party's appeal and probably explains her ability to win a hefty chunk of Blue Coalition and Chauvinist Union votes in the runoff after their candidate was eliminated.

Praetor 2c Romano nearly doubled the Chauvinist share of the 2008 vote yet again, riding on a wave of male outrage over violations of the Materials Act. Many of these were Blue Coalition members unexcited about their candidate's lack of aggression against the spandex wearers. He proposed increasing the fine to one million extra credit points (!) which would have potentially threatened the 4.0 GPAs of offenders. This was extremely controversial and many viewed it as an excessive punishment, especially for first-time offenders. Nevertheless, the support he garnered for the idea and his vigorous participation at debates and rallies pushed the overall tone of the debate farther against spandex. It remains to be seen whether the Chauvinists can capitalize on their gains in this election or if it was a single-issue success.

Yates surprised many by taking a moderate stance on the issue; while the League of Feminist Voters leadership advocated a repeal of the ban, Yates stated that it was a necessary but unfortunate step and that it should be kept with no further restrictions on spandex added. This cost her much of her base, which simply sat out the election; however, the loss of these few dozen votes was offset by a gain among independents due to the fact that her positions were far less extreme than those of previous Feminist candidates. Even Praetor Romano had good things to say about her, which was unheard of in previous elections between Chauvinist and Feminist candidates.

Nathan Bedford Forrest Gump continued the Racist tradition of holding events at the tracks, and again his "preaching to the choir" activities failed to expand the party's base, although it sure was a hell of a good time for all present.

Samantha Kim's willingness to perform unusual sexual acts for votes was panned as "rather gimmicky" by many commentators and viewed as crass and offensive by many others even for Stoner's libertine culture. While sales of her videos increased somewhat during the election, she failed to garner more votes than the previous Sex Party candidate in the election since Malenkova's candidacy offered nearly as much salacious content and much more alcoholic content.

Election Results, 2008

Candidates

AshleyFarnborough

HM Ashley I, 17th Queen of Stoner High School.

The 2008 elections for the 2008-2009 monarchy were won by SHS Vice Queen and former Minister of War Ashley Farnborough, endorsed by the Blue Coalition, following the general election. A runoff was not necessary, as the first round produced an absolute majority. She defeated:

  • Main challenger the Rt. Stoned Chris Koppel of the Brown Keg Party, a member of the Board of Governors and chairman of the Board's Hard Liquor Promotion committee.
  • The Lady Nicole Poppins of the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, CEO and chairman of the Coffee Factory caffeinated products company and the hereditary 29th Duchess of Hazzard.
  • Praetor Third Class Brock Romano, of the Chauvinist Union, a member of the Sophomore Court of Praetors and president of the Guido Clubbing Club.
  • The League of Feminist Voters nominated Madison Poepjes, an angry lesbian with really short hair, who was discredited shortly before the election when it became known that she was not an actual student. She nevertheless gained write-in votes from many League members, splitting the vote with the actual replacement nominee, Mary Jane Rotmensen, a member of the Board of Governors.
  • The Bluenose Party was not seen to make an appearance in this election.
  • Malcom Freeman of the Racist Front, a NASCAR racing champion and black supremacist.
  • Jordan Maxxx of the Sex Party, a somewhat popular porn star.

The subsequent election for the vice-monarchy was won by Lady Poppins.

General Election, June 15th

Candidate Party (unofficial) Votes %
Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Ashley Farnborough VQ Blue Coalition 327,921 58.78
The Rt. Std. Chris Blucher Weinerschnitzel von Koppel Brown Keg Party 103,158 18.49
The Lady Nicole Poppins, 29th Duchess of Hazzard Brown Coffeepot Syndicate 102,392 18.35
Praetor 3c Brock Romano, JD Chauvinist Union 21,301 3.82
The Rt. Hon. Mary Jane Rotmensen League of Feminist Voters 1,643 .29
Madison Poepjes League of Feminist Voters (write in) 723 .13
Malcom Freeman Racist Front 666 .11
Jordan Maxxx Sex Party 69 0
 Total 557873 100

Analysis

Brownkegposter

Chris B.W.v. Koppel campaign poster: An electoral strategy past its prime?

Coalitionposter5

A lady's answer.

The 2008 election reinforced a continuing 21st century pattern of Blue Coalition dominance in the monarchical elections, and the popularity of the Coalition's comprehensive ideology. In a nutshell, the Stoner electorate is highly concerned that the politically independent status quo of the school be maintained and that the current governing policies in force continue. It appears that the Coalition's fiercely militaristic, internationally imperialist, economically capitalist and socially libertarian platform has succeeded in encapsulating the mood of the electorate. As such, it can be described as the definitive "anti-change" election.

Vice Queen Farnborough's campaign relied heavily on the broadcast and print media, using pre-recorded messages and glossy ads from the candidate to convey her positions. These were supplemented by weekly policy speeches and cocktail balls. The candidate was only seen to mingle at relatively private events such as the latter. While decidedly top-down in typical Blue Coalition style, such a highbrow strategy proved effective with an entrenched electorate.

Many candidates, notably, had salient points of agreement on the issues:

“Word brah, McCain wants to control your body, and Obama wants to control your pocketbook. Fuck dat shiznit, I says. Fuck censorship and taxes! We control awselves, ya feels me?”
~ Praetor 3c Brock Romano on the occasion of a candidate summit, to which all the other candidates applauded thunderously
“Oil's more expensive than blood these days. We're making trillions of extra credit points a day pumping the stuff. Do you want more booze? Then we need more extra credit! Perhaps--and I say this unironically--it's time for us to step up to the plate, kick their ass, and take their gas."”
~ Her Imperial Excellency the Lady Ashley Farnborough VQ on the positive relationship between alcoholism and imperialism
“Well shit, I can't really put it better than that... that's what she said! *hic*”
~ The Rt. Hon Chris B.W. van Koppel on the same thing

Given this environment, the other parties needed to dramatically broaden their messages. Governor von Koppel ran a textbook Brown Keg campaign, the kind which had previously produced 3 glorious victories for the party in the 1990s. He continued the proud Brown Keg tradition of promising to increase campus alcohol distribution, subsidization and consumption. The massive keggers hosted by the party continued to be as popular as ever, with thousands of students crossing party lines to get smashed.

Unfortunately for him, the Blue Coalition has been gradually co-opting the alcoholist agenda. Although the Rt. Hon Michael Jones's 2006 campaign for the monarchy was unsuccessful, the former Brown Keg Governor's proposal to sell hard liquor in vending machines was regarded by pollsters as the primary reason he came in second and gained about a quarter of the electorate. Vice Queen Farnborough capitalized on this by including it in her platform; this, along with her extraordinary sexiness, allowed her to retain the huge number of "Osborne Brown Keggers" that the outgoing Queen Teresa I (formerly The Rt. Pro. Lady Teresa Osborne PC) had won over to the Blue Coalition. While von Koppel's strong showing reflects a continued demand for a libertine party on campus, the heavily pro-party stance of the Vice Queen and the Blue Coalition in general clearly ate into his vote significantly.

However, von Koppel's campaign did slightly edge out the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, reversing a decline that occurred in 2007 when Maximilian DeLarkey's ticket suffered heavily at the hands of the Blue Coalition. The Syndicate had hoped to take the place of the Brown Kegs as the primary opposition party, but von Koppel's decent showing stalled these ambitions. Furthermore, von Koppel's new votes mostly reflected increased turnout among incoming sophomores, boding well for the life of the party.

For its part, the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate also played too closely to type. Lady Nicole Poppins ran a relatively sedate campaign focusing on policy papers; instead of hosting campaign rallies outdoors, it organized them in coffee shops. Although this effort, fueled by word of mouth over Facebook and other Internet channels, proved more successful than anticipated by the media, Lady Poppins still failed to outperform Marshal Jenkins's 2007 Brown Coffeepot ticket. It remains clear however that the Coffeepots have adapted best to the new media.

Guidopower

Brock Romano (center, holding beer) and his Chauvinist shadow cabinet watch the returns on Election Night.

The Chauvinist Union made substantial gains over its 2007 ticket, with Praetor 3c Romano more than doubling the votes of previous candidate James "Jack the Skipper" Griffin. In part, this was simply because Romano was a far more credible candidate, having held important positions in Stoner society including, of course, his seat on the Sophomore Court of Praetors, and his job as a DJ at Vito's, a popular nightclub on campus. He also ran an active campaign, which is posited to have helped. His habit of holding campaign rallies at nightclubs also strengthened his grip on the key guido vote, one which generally went to the Brown Keg in the past.

In contrast, the League of Feminist Voters lost most of its votes in comparison to the previous election. It is believed that the split between original nominee Madison Poepjes (disqualified for not being an SHS student) and replacement nominee the Rt. Hon. Mary Jane Rotmensen was so depressing to the Feminists that many of them turned to drinking to drown their sorrows and thus were inclined to vote for the Brown Keg Party (the Blue Coalition being historically very hostile to the "Feminazis" as they called them). This produced gains for the Brown Keggers at the expense of the Feminists, mitigating the Brown Keg losses to the Chauvinists. It remains to be seen whether this demographic adjustment produces a pronounced shift of the Brown Keg Party on the chauvinist-feminist spectrum.

The Racist Front, having not entered a candidate for sovereign in many years, suddenly decided to enter Malcom Freeman, a noted racer and black supremacist. His campaign events, naturally, tended to be held at the monthly Racist Party stock car rally. This "preaching to the choir" gained him the votes of white supremacists, black supremacists, and racers, but won him little elsewhere. Furthermore, many of the abovementioned supremacists voted for Romano, the Chauvinist candidate, in the belief that he was more electable than Freeman. They were, of course, inclined to do so because the two parties are allied (notably signified by the Racist-Chauvinist rallies).

Jmax

Jordan Maxxx and friends.

Finally, Jordan Maxxx of the Sex party had great intrinsic appeal as a porn star. She benefited from name recognition but was frequently hampered by her work commitments; while these produced excellent television spots, these were heavily criticized for emphasizing style over substance. Her wide variety of positions (especially reverse cowgirl) played as a strength but often served to dilute her message. Her "speeches" were often widely regarded as somewhat lacking in authenticity, despite their superlatively high volume. In the end, her candidacy was overshadowed by the indisputably superior attractiveness of frontrunner Farnborough, despite the latter's lack of pornographic exposure. Maxxx's endless commitments to "take Stoner to a new level of hardcore" simply could not measure up.

In the end, the relatively laid-back campaigns of both Brown parties could only serve to reinforce current trends running against them. The result was a spectacular success for both the overdog Blue Coalition and the underdog Chauvinist Union.

Election Results, 2007

Candidates

Teresa

HM Teresa I, 15th Queen of Stoner High School.

The 2007 elections for the 2007-2008 monarchy were won by SHS Minister of Finance Teresa Osborne, endorsed by the Blue Coalition. A runoff was not required because the general election produced an absolute majority. She defeated:

  • Main challenger Sir Maximilian DeLarkey of the Brown Keg Party, who was this year's Director of Controlled Substances.
  • Field Marshal Leroy Jenkins of the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, deputy chief of operations for the Stoner High School Imperial Army.
  • James Griffin, also known as "Jack the Skipper", of the Chauvinist Union, best known for having the worst attendance record in SHS history. Suffered from severe name recognition problems. Was not seen at any formal campaign events; however, several school tabloids reported sightings at on-campus bars.
  • The League of Feminist Voters nominated their candidate from last year, Patricia Schwitters. However, she was convicted in her retrial on charges of kicking ex-boyfriend Brandon Tyler in the balls and thus disqualified. The League then nominated Mary Jane Rotmensen, a non-voting freshman representative on the Board of Governors.
  • Zack Harris, the sole remaining member of the Bluenose Party.
  • Lonica Mewinsky of the Sex Party, best known as the drama club's leading porn star.

The subsequent election for the vice-monarchy was won by The Rt. Mil. Lady Ashley Farnborough PC, the outgoing Minister of War under Teresa I.

General Election, June 15th

Delarkey

Sir Maximilian DeLarkey, the Brown Keg candidate.

Candidate Party (unofficial) Votes %
The Rt. Hon. Teresa Osborne Blue Coalition 301,590 59.15
Field Marshal Leroy Jenkins Brown Coffeepot Syndicate 104,687 20.53
Sir Maximilian DeLarkey Brown Keg Party 87,420 17.54
Mary Jane Rotmensen League of Feminist Voters 9,672 1.90
James Griffin Chauvinist Union 6,424 1.26
Lonica Mewinsky Sex Party 69 0
Zack Harris Bluenose Party 1 0
 Total 509863 100

Analysis

Sexypoll

Teresa Osborne was consistently ranked highest in the polls.

The vote split massively in favor of Miss Osborne due to the other candidates' heavy use of attack ads and other aggressive tactics against each other. Feminist candidate Rotmensen ran an ad on Radio Free Stoner which purported to be secret recordings of DeLarkey engaging in homosexual conversation, while dozens of photoshopped pictures of Rotmensen's face skillfully superimposed on stills from Sex Party candidate Mewinsky's porn videos were traced back to the DeLarkey campaign. Harris was seen on the day of the election denouncing everyone and being pelted with rotten food by SHS Ministry of Beverages agents.

It appears that Osborne was able to capture a large majority by staying above the fray. Field Marshal Jenkins' campaign manager, Harvey Blueballs, complained bitterly that she had the unfair advantage of being infinitely better looking than all the other candidates. The Brown Keg camp was even more disturbed, as stories like this became all too common:

“Duuude... I'm... votin' for Teresa, man... I always vote Brown Keg, but she's, like, totally awesome, just out of this world... hotter than a bowl of chili in a blast furnace... yeah... soooo bomb, man...”
~ Justin McFarlane, Class of 2009 on whom he planned to vote for

Osborne was also widely credited with bringing about the massive weed export agreement with Costco, which is expected to generate nearly 666 billion extra credit points ($92.5 billion USD) over the next 5 years. This, combined with her extraordinary attractiveness, appears to explain the extremely poor showing of the Brown Keg candidate DeLarkey. A Gallup poll taken the day before the election showed that nearly two thirds of voters believed Osborne was the candidate most likely to "bring sexy back", while most of the others answered "don't know".

Outside environmentalist groups raised concerns that Miss Osborne was bad for the environment:

Al Gore

Former vice president Al Gore denounces Osborne.

“I am gravely concerned... that due to her extreme hotness, Miss Osborne is the single greatest contributor to the imminent global warming crisis. The threat posed by this climatic bombshell... must not be underestimated.”
~ Al Gore on Osborne's environmental impact

However, these arguments gained little traction, particularly among the male demographic. An AP/Ipsos poll asked whether such concerns affected voters' choices. 35% responded "no," 50% responded "hell no," and 15% responded "hell fucking no."

Outside observers were also surprised that Field Marshal Jenkins pulled ahead of Director DeLarkey in the final vote tally, especially given that there were numerous confirmed reports of DeLarkey's drug and alcohol use, which is believed to have helped him in the polls. This, however, may simply again reflect the substantial defection of Brown Keg voters to Osborne.

Election Results, 2006

The Tyler Incident

Helicopter Assault

The SHS Imperial Guard seizes Tyler's campaign headquarters.

HM King Tyler I was elected with 100% of the vote as King for the 2006-2007 school year, but his supporters helped him win illegally by dying orange kittens brown and distributing them to the voters, who were deceived into believing the kittens were of the Chocolate variety rather than the much stronger Melange Spice type (which is what they were). The result was an election in which all of the voters were either unable to vote due to being high off kittens or trying to stop the aforementioned high persons from driving off in cars and getting themselves killed in high-speed collisions or impromptu demolition derbies. Hence, Tyler's supporters cast all of the ballots in the election; however, when the kittens wore off, the SHS Army, which had previously been frantically attempting to maintain order on campus, hastily deposed Tyler and called a new election.

His supporters claimed it was an outrage that the first monarch elected from the Orange Kitten Party (OKP) was expelled from SHS. They were summarily arrested and likewise expelled, and the Orange Kitten Party now survives only in a handful of underground splinter groups claiming the OKP legacy much as modern KKK and Neo-Nazi groups claim some basis in history. The OKP is now listed as a terrorist organization by the FBI.

Legislation passed unanimously by the Board of Governors and the Privy Council and signed by the Queen has erased Tyler's name from the list of monarchs and the student rolls, expunging him from SHS history entirely. Tyler himself was handed over to the Fockersville County Sheriff's office and has been brought up on multiple felony drug charges in connection with the election incident. Although there was some consternation in pro-drug circles concerning such treatment, the general consensus was that the end justified the means.

Candidates

The 2006 elections for the 2006-2007 monarchy were won by SHS Marshal of the Imperial Air Force Sophie Easterbrooke III, endorsed by the Blue Coalition, following a general election and a runoff election. She defeated:

  • Main challenger the Rt. Hon. Michael "Mike" Jones of the Brown Keg Party, a member of the Board of Governors, chairman of the Hard Liquor Promotion Subcommittee and strong supporter of pro-drinking legislation.
  • The Rt. Wtd. Lady Jane Markowitz PC of the Brown Coffeepot Syndicate, Member of the Privy Council and Tiffany III's Minister of Beverages.
  • Brandon Tyler of the Chauvinist Union, best known as a fierce defender of anti ball-kicking laws. Strongly held beliefs are believed to stem from one incident in which he was allegedly kicked in the balls by his ex-girlfriend, Patricia Schwitters.
  • Patricia Schwitters of the League of Feminist Voters, best known as a fierce opponent of anti ball-kicking laws. Indicted and charged with kicking ex-boyfriend Brandon Tyler in the balls, but 6-man, 6-woman jury resulted in a mistrial. Retrial pending.
  • Zack Harris, one of two members of the Bluenose Party, favoring the prohibition of alcohol. Candidacy was regarded by most as a complete waste of time. He did not help matters by requiring that anyone attending his events be completely sober.

The subsequent election for the vice-monarchy was won by Lady Markowitz.

General Election, June 15th

Sophie

HM Sophie I, 14th Queen of Stoner High School.

Candidate Party (unofficial) Votes %
Marshal of the Imperial Air Force Sophie Easterbrooke III Blue Coalition 235,859 49.47
The Rt. Hon. Michael Jones Brown Keg Party 117,832 24.71
The Rt. Wtd. Lady Jane Markowitz PC Brown Coffeepot Syndicate 98,087 20.57
Mr. Brandon Tyler Chauvinist Union 12,526 2.63
Ms. Patricia Schwitters League of Feminist Voters 12,493 2.62
Mr. Zack Harris Bluenose Party 2 0
 Total 476,799 100

Runoff, June 17th

Candidate Party (unofficial) Votes %
Marshal of the Imperial Air Force Sophie Easterbrooke III Blue Coalition 358,352 75
The Rt. Hon. Michael Jones Brown Keg Party 119,447 25
 Total 477,799 100

Analysis

The election of 2006 was defined by the Twinkie rationing controversy. Sophie Easterbrooke III, the Blue Coalition party candidate, promised to continue Tiffany III's policy objective of ending the unpopular rationing program and privatizing the government Twinkie monopoly.

Her main rival, the Rt. Hon. Michael Jones of the Brown Keg Party, advocated a tightening on the restrictions of Twinkie possession. While his platform plank of approving the sale of hard liquor in school vending machines (currently only beer and wine may be sold in such machines) garnered many votes, he was ultimately done in by this ideological position against Twinkie consumption.

The other major candidate, Lady Jane Markowitz of the Brown Coffeepot Union, also supported Twinkie privatization and publicly threw her votes behind Miss Easterbrooke in the runoff election. She was subsequently elected Vice Queen. Some suspect a "corrupt bargain" in the manner of John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay, but the records of both Lady Markowitz and Chief Marshal Easterbrooke would suggest this is simply Brown Keg fearmongering.



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