Stoner High School/Calendar of Events
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of the Stoner High School series.|
Calendar of Events
As with many high schools, Stoner High's academic year begins on September 1st and ends on June 20th. That is where the similarity ends.
Opening Day, the first day of school, is basically an orientation followed by one big kegger for the rest of the day.
The Coronation of the new Queen or King and the swearing in of the Privy Council and the Board of Governors is held on September 2nd. The outgoing Sovereign has the option to pass on the crown to the incoming Sovereign; this option is exercised about 75% of the time. The Coronation is an elaborate ceremony taking four hours; the swearings-in are a somewhat shorter two-hour event. They feature entertainment by the various student garage bands, speeches by outgoing and incoming members, and plenty of alcohol and kittens to go around. Rare is the Stoner student who skips Coronation.
Classes begin on September 3rd.
Fall Break, a relative oddity among high schools, occurs the week after Revolution Day and lasts for five days (with weekends on both ends, of course). It is madness, but it is not Sparta.
Halloween, universally known at Stoner as "Skank-o-ween," is a popular time for every girl to get in touch with her inner floozy to dress (and undress) like a Brown Keg party organizer. It tends to be the hottest day of the year. You know what I'm talkin' about.
Thanksgiving is one of the few serious events at the school, and the Sovereign traditionally hosts free Thanksgiving dinner for all students in the cafeteria. Stoner alumni often visit the school on this day. As always, plenty of alcohol goes around, though it is mostly wine instead of hard liquor.
In commmemoration of Georgian Christmas (as well as Christian Christmas), students have the entire month of December off. It is officially known as Christmas Break but often referred to as "the big chill" since many students come to Stoner anyway just to chill with the homeboys and homegirls even though there is no class. This is generally a very relaxed time, even more so than usual. The large pine tree in front of the school is traditionally decorated with, among other things, huffed kittens and Swarovski crystal wine bottles. Winter Tolo is at the end of Christmas Break and, as the name suggests, has the girls asking the guys in myriad creative ways.
For New Year's, Stoner always puts on a spectacular fireworks show that is the envy of the Fockersville metropolitan area. During this time, the man-made river that runs through the Stoner campus is drained of water (which is put in large tanks) and replaced with whiskey. This only occurs for a couple days as it is extremely expensive. However, legislation in the Board of Governors to replace the whiskey with the much cheaper Corona Beer has always been defeated by substantial margins and under the threat of royal veto.
Mardi Gras is becoming more popular among SHS students, because there are never enough excuses for partying at Stoner. Since Hurricane Katrina, Stoner has replaced New Orleans as the premier hot spot for wild Mardi Gras festivities, although nobody at Stoner is exactly sure what Mardi Gras is. A vote of the 23rd Party Congress of the Brown Keg Party added making Mardi Gras an official state holiday of Stoner High School, but the measure encountered unexpected opposition when introduced in the Board of Governors when a number of Governors asserted the inalienable right of students to show up to class drunk on Mardi Gras and hung over the day after. The matter remains controversial.
Winter Break in February lasts for one week and is hella fun. Snowball fights often break out on campus during this time. When Winter Break coincides with the abovementioned Mardi Gras, the spectacle often rivals the school's vaunted graduation parties at the end of the year, though it cannot surpass them since the school's liquor trust fund does not finance the issuance of free alcohol during Mardi Gras as it does at graduation.
March is parade month, with the SHS army, navy, air force, and marine drill teams doing firearms, artillery and rocket demonstrations. Contrary to what is commonly thought, these events are completely accident-free. This tends to be the least drunk, high, crunked, stoned, kittened, or what-have you month because of all the guns and what not. Stoner students may be stoners, but they are not idiots.
Spring Break in April is two weeks long and also hella fun, except without the snowball fights.
Spring Ball is held in early April and is a formal event lasting all day. It is second only to prom and Coronation in the Stoner High social calendar. Free martinis are de rigueur and, oddly enough, Twinkies are generally not served; they are replaced by Horse Dovers.
Road Trip Week, in late April, is a week in which all students are encouraged to plan road trips with their friends and explore the world and learn new things, in addition to getting drunk (but only after a long day's driving) and partying all night on the tailgate, or in the back seat for that matter.
The Stoner High prom, traditionally held in mid-May, is widely regarded as the best in the nation. It is generally held at the SHS Convention Center (SHSCC) and is open to all seniors.
Elections for the next year's Sovereign, the Privy Council, and the Board of Governors are held on June 15th. Turnout tends to be about 90-95% for seniors and juniors, 80-85% for sophomores, and about 70% for freshmen. This last figure is the subject of some debate, but not much, 'cause they're stupid frosh anyway.
Graduation is on June 20th, the last day of school. It is held in the SHSCC and is cause for great celebration and great mourning on the part of the students. Unlike other high schools, when people say they'll miss being at Stoner, they actually mean it. The outgoing Sovereign traditionally delivers a farewell address at the end of the ceremony and then declares an all-night party (during which the SHS river is filled with whiskey just as at Christmas). These parties have been known to gain so much momentum that they last for up to a week after school ends before petering out.
During summer, the SHS campus is essentially a giant clubhouse. The only serious activity that goes on is the new Sovereign's adjustment period during which he or she tries to get accustomed to the job without actually having any responsibility for doing anything.