From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A stoner is defined as one addicted to the licking, ingesting and fondling of stones, for emotional release brought about by effects such as euphoria, nostalgia, creativity, paranoia and strange, dirty thoughts.
Stoners have existed since the dawn of man (February 17, 82 BC), and the first reference is a cave painting, un-ironically on stone, in Lebanon. The picture depicts a stoner (Connor Smith, also known as Smiffy)licking a medium sized rock, or possibly a extremely large goat testicle. But who are we to judge? I mean, everyone has "accidentally" slipped under a goat, just to see if their testicles are as tasty as they smell.
Stones are naturally full of minerals, and stoners are often very healthy from "Stoning." However, some feces can resemble rocks, and licking feces not only tastes bad, it is very unhealthy unless you are licking bat feces, which is high in potassium and chlorine. Fondling feces, however, is advised as it encourages hand washing. An example of this is Nick Chung. "Stoning" caries other health concerns as well. Getting "stoned" is the medical term used for overdosing on these stones. The process of getting "stoned" happens when another person [or persons] throws these stones directly at the "Stoner" until dead. This can also be called "Stoning someone." You may recall from tuesday school people from the bible days got "stoned" quite often. People back then usually got "Stoned" after stealing a loaf of bread from the market or raping their newborn donkey WTF (Stone Poneys). Today "Stoning" people is considered "taboo" and looked down upon because of its harsh ways of changing to state of ones body. Illegal in most states "Stoning someone" caries the most strict death penalty of getting "Stoned" themeselves. Usually these executions are a town affair, allowing everyone to throw atleast one stone.
Stoners are known for doing anything for a fix. Anything. They will even get jobs, to earn money in order to fund their habit. Stoner prefer granite, a very flavourous rock. They are also known to snort gravel. The song "gravel pit", by the Wu Tang Clan, in fact, refers to a gravel snorting instrument which resembles a cross between a tripod, an iPod and a dwarf-probe. The Rolling Stones got their name from the stoner practice of taking a rough stone and rolling it in sand or gravel to achieve a suitably smooth licking surface. Stoners are also known to take stones, rocks and pebbles as suppositories. Stoners see concrete, made from rock, as a gateway drug which may lead to harder drug abuse such as saw dust abuse. This is why urban stoners often hang out in parking garages. Bucyrus Stoners are completely fried and have kitten huffing addictions.
Stone Types, Uses, and Effects*Sand. The smallest type of rock used by stoners. It is usually snorted, although there is a emerging trend which sees users play in it. Sand is most suitable for the younger stoners between ages fetus and "little squirt". The ultimate feeling is being completely buried in sand. The more wealthy Stoners with a lot of time on they're hands buld whole castles out of sand. It is sold under names such as 'S-and', the 'Shitty Gritty', 'Angel Dust', and 'Neptune's Powder'. Units for measuring Sand are 'A Sand Box', 'Truck Load', 'A Quarry', and for the hardcore Stoners, 'A Beach'.
- Pebbles. The second smallest type of rock. Can be snorted by those with very large nostrils(Pinocchio), but usually ingested as a pill. Known as 'Plebs', 'Plebosauras' and 'Grey Candy'. A favourite of stoners in Bangledesh. Most of the pebble trade comes from here.
- Rocks. Bigger and less smooth than pebbles, rocks are mainly licked. Often licked in a group situation. Remember the simple mantra "Lick, Lick, Scratch, Sniff, Dribble, Growl, Pass, Snatch Back, Apologise, Pass Back, Twitch. Rocks are colloquially known as 'Skcor' (rocks, but backwards), 'Kids' (in reference to famous stoner Kid Rock) and 'R&R's'.
- Stone. Big, smooth and usually fondled. (most commonly used for getting "Stoned" or "Stoning" someone else.)
- Laina Baraldi is a stoner.
- Boulders. Even bigger than a stone, boulders come in many sizes: the smallest are about as big as your mom; many are larger than a house. They are suitable for large gatherings of stoners, as they can often be licked by hundreds of stoners at once(and orgy). This is why Woodstock was held outdoors, where plenty of boulders are available. Due to their large size, boulders are generally considered unsuitable for snorting, but can be ingested by those with very large mouths(Dolly Pardon). Boulders give stoners superhuman powers, allowing them to construct monuments out of ginormous boulders using only their hands; examples include Stonehenge and Mount Rushmore. Although often attributed to stoner activity, the Washington Monument was actually constructed by the government to attract phallus worshippers to the city; the US Capitol was built nearby to house them. The Great Pyramids of Egypt were constructed from boulders so pharohs could get stoned in the afterlife.