Stephen F. Austin

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MillionDollarManSteveAustinAsStoneCold
What... is with the WWE blurring out all the old WWF logos?
“I am the Master of the Middle Finger, Chief Ass Whooper of Sorry Sons of Bitches. Beer drinker, among beer drinkers. Truster of No One! And I will stomp a mud-hole in your ass and walk it dry. My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin, and tonight... I unleash hell!”
~ Stone Cold Addressing Emperor Commodus in the Coliseum
“And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold, said so”
~ Steve Austin on pointing at the line that wasn't the top one
“Austin 3:16 just said, WHAT?”
~ Jim Ross on commentary with nothing better to chant out
“That bald headed sum bitch ain't worth six million dollars like I was”
~ Lee Majors

Stephen F. Austin is a great Texan hero who, after a terrible accident, was rebuilt using bionic parts. Later, he went on to become a professional wrestling legend.


Stephen f austin
An early painting of "Stone Cold" Stephen F. Austin.

Go West, Young Man

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Stephen F. Austin.

At the age of 20, Steve Austin moved to the then Spanish territory of Texas, along with many other American settlers. They lived there peacefully for a time, but soon wanted a state of their own. Austin led the Texans in a revolt. He battled against the armies of Santa Anna, and often rode into battle on a four-wheeled ATV. What?! I said "a four-wheeled ATV"! Finally, in an epic battle, Austin hit Santa Anna with the Stone Cold Stunner and gained independence for the Republic of Texas.


A Man Rebuilt

After being named the first President of Texas, Austin has begun to settle down. He enjoyed hunting excursions with friends and family, and threw many beer bashes. One fateful day, however, Austin was out hunting. He stumbled across a rattlesnake, and was bitten. His body was ravaged by the viper's poison. Texans, not willing to give up their leader, came up with a plan. They rebuilt Austin using bionic parts, at a cost of six million dollars, which today roughly translates, due to inflation, to 152 bajillion dollars. Austin was then known as the Six Million Dollar Man. He soon filed an application for Texas to become a state in the United States of America. When it was learned by America that he was a bionic man, they asked him for help with various problems. Austin obliged for a time, but soon grew restless again.


Wrestling Career

After helping America dispatch various enemies of the State, Austin decided to hang it up. He saw promise for himself in the field of professional wrestling. Here, he found happiness. He could beat up on people, drink one beer, two beers, three beers, four beers, five beers, a shot of whiskey, and a margarita... and ride his ATV, and the people loved it. It wasn't long before he became World Champion, winning match after match with the same move he used on Santa Anna: The Stone Cold Stunner. Unfortunately his career took a turn for the worse after a very painful and humiliating confrontation with Condoleezza Rice, in which he was stripped down to his 'Bra and Panties' in a 'Hell in a Taco Bell' match.

One of his most famous matches occurred when he went back in time to take on life as a gladiator. He challenged the Emperor, Commodus, to a match, and came out victorious.


What?

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The Rock laying a Roody Pooh on Austin

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Acting

Later on in years, "Stone Cold" Stephen F. Austin found out about the magic of movies. He took on many minor roles, mainly slapstick comedies, such as "The Longest Silent Yard"; as a jail guard, in which he played the new game of football against Adam of Sandlerand & his better half GoldTurd. Then a highly courageous stand for the gay community as a marine in "The Cumdemed". But his rival, Thine Rock, would outshine Austin on all levels of acting in his academy award winning movie, Doom. This has left Austin in a rage of jealousy and has devoted to finding roles to outshine his old foe... Austin is rumored to be signing on to play the role of Captain Piccard in the set for 2023 release of Star Trek: The Next Generations Of Filmmakers Version.


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