# Stochastic

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“My tingles are unpredictable”
~ Oscar Wilde on Stochasticity

Stochastic (from the Chinese 大声放屁 for general direction) means "inconsistent data not from hysteresis and I swear I didn't touch the oscilloscope." A stochastic process is one whose teenage attitude is non-deterministic, in that a system's subsequent state is determined both by the process's predictable actions and by a random element, much like a human undergoing puberty. However, according to K. Marx and E. Coli, any kind of time development (be it delayed for another 5 years or over-budget by 2 billion dollars) which is dealt in terms of playing cards deserves the name of stochastic process.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Stochastic.

## Logic with mathematics

Often, measured and recorded data, such as those from sensors on vibrators and Wall Street, will show a random but not random trend, maybe. When this occurs, it is ideal for researchers to label the not random randomness as the stochasticity of the environment, object, or random variable. Although it may seem random, scientists do not randomly label non-random randomness as the random variable for random randomness. The random randomness must show some non-random behavior in its randomness for it to be non-randomly classified as stochastic.

For example, for $catherine = \frac{\zeta}{jones}+\pi nis$, $catherine$ will exhibit increasing levels of stochasticity and decreasing levels of chastity as $\pi nis$ increases.

In science, many stochastic processes are quantified by an imperial coefficient, making the equations more efficient, but understanding is deficient. Such as the drag coefficient Cd in aerodynamics, smarty pantses do not fully understand the intricate fluid mechanics, heat transfer, and high velocity molecular impact dynamics so they just classify it as a single scalar value. Basically, stochasticity is too hard, like a plastic $\pi nis$, so high-level scientists like Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, and James Watt said famously, "In times of peril and unknown, generalizations must be made." While historians agree that the statement was about racial stereotyping and Anti-Semitism, there should be one Ph.D person out there that would confirm that "generalizations" stand for coefficients.

## Applications

The study of stochasticity is most often done by universities that have nothing better to do.

### Physics

Impact dynamics between a ball and flesh.

### Music

String reverberations caused by finding the correct resonant frequency with the shakeweight.

### Finance

Who the hell knows, but then money is made!

## Future work

While progress has been made to understand the stochastic nature of the world, many questions remain and some will remain unanswered until aliens arrive. These lingering thoughts include:

• What is stochasticity?
• Why is stochasticity?
• How is stochasticity?
• When is the alien race going to arrive?

## In popular culture

• Richard Ernst, Swiss pop star and father of Ernest Hemingway, said, "On the theoretical side, I was concerned with stochastic resonance," in his hit movie From Here to Eternity (1953).
• John Hull, the DIY boat-making YouTube sensation is often misquoted with, "Megan Fox and I spent the next two or three years working together on this. We developed what is known a stochastic volatility model of Megan Fox." However, Hull originally said, "Penis penis penis."
• In an episode of CSI: Swansea, "stochastic" was mentioned at some point to make the characters sound smart.
• In 2007, American children would feverishly yell, "That's stochastic!" at times of predicted uncertainty. This is a popular parody of crappy cable provider Comcast's advertisement, "That's Comcastic!" A lawsuit on Comcast brought the parody to mainstream attention, as the state of California sued Comcast for providing inconsistent speeds, unfair throttling, and piss-poor service. The irregular speeds of the Comcast network was classified as stochastic, because it was a mismatch from the advertisements.