From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Stoat is a dangerous member of the cock family. The Stoat is a genetic blend between the common cock and a grizzly bear (no one knows how or why this was allowed to happen). As it is one of the most deadly animals on the planet (and on Mars, yes thay live on Mars.) people have been hunting them and raping them for millennia due to the massive threat that they cause }}
edit Stoat killing on the RISE
The Stoats have been on the march killing innocent cocks as they pass through the safe haven that is Europe, most of their violent rapings have been recorded but many have not. This table sums up the carnage that Stoats can create, the cocks also baffle scientists, their losses are surprising. Many cocks have been seen trying to hide dynamite. Stay away from these cocks, they may have become kamikaze cocks (very bad).
|Predator||Human Victims||Cattle Lost|
|Super cocks||59||1? surprising|
|Mother fuckin' big titties||a lot||128,356|
The table shows that the Stoats have been killing people, most probably with their special maul, but these killings have been placed onto the bears who are much larger and look more powerful. Luckily the Stoat invasion hasn't brought its wrath to England, and is as you read this article probably Mauling a Frenchman. Stoats are planning to eat the sun so we will all die because there will be no light and we will turn into zombies.aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh. That is all.
edit Stoats Vs. Marmots
The Stoats have always had their primary food contested with Marmots. There has been a large amount of sex about who has had the most orgasms. This poll gives us a rough idea of what people think of the situation. We may not get many boners but all are welcome, this subject is very hard. Not many people know about this skirmish that has been raging since the times of Jesus.
edit Uses for an average StoatMany uses have been found for the Stoat, but many have yet to be found. This is due to the sheer danger that the stoat is. One of the greatest discoveries that has been made about the Stoats was found around 527BC, many years after Kitten Huffing. This discovery was almost as important as T.V. itself. The discovery was depicted by Chuck Norris himself whilst he was writing the code for the world, it was found in his diary just under the magical power of Kitten Huffing was discovered in Capadocia. It was called Stoat Sniffing. The most probable reason that we know so little about the effects of Stoat Sniffing is that not many people have seen a Stoat and lived to tell of its annihilation! The first person to sniff a Stoat was This Guy in 1666.
This Guy just had to be the first to Sniff a Stoat, so he hired a private militia to contain the stoat. This plan failed as the mass of people arrived at the stoat hive. only to find roughly thirty guard Stoats around the hive. the group attacked with their state of the art pitchforks and bats with nails in. In all the blood and confusion the farmers managed to take one Stoat hostage. They took it all the way to London and let This Guy Sniff it. As they didn't have recycling back then the Stoat escaped. It then used its intelligence to find Londons weak spot. It sought to destroy the whole of London, with somthing that would look like an accident, THE FIRE OF LONDON.
Some other uses
- Hunting out terrorists.
- Hide and seek Maul.
- Rounding up Elephants.
- Removing rodent infestations [hide Chihuahuas].
- Hunting Marmots.
- Reffing American Football [they need new refs].
- Helping police find contraband.
- Putting down Pants and betting on who can keep it in the longest.
- The olympic Stoat toss.
edit Stoat Sniffing
Apparently the Stoat has a good sniffing value, there are effects , but if you can get your hands on a Stoat you could always experiment and try to find the best effect , then record it... that is if you still can remember what happend... or you aren't dead. The cost of your average street/ghetto Stoat is around about £50-75, but there are drawbacks such as, they dont have a good aftertaste, these stoats also they have numourous 'bad' side effects such as:
- Poor quality can lead to mouth cancer if used excessivly.
- Has same effect as viagra [Bad in public].
- Can cause blindness.
- stoat may not be properly sedated [imminent danger run].
- Gives off fumes that can cause addiction [This is called dirty sniffing].
- Has a mild helucinagenic effect.
- Gives a massive confidence boost.
- Boosts stamina for about 20 minutes.
The next Stoat up from the ghetto Stoat is the White stoat, as it is the ruler of a hive of stoats it is very hard to come by, the only people who dare to get them are the chinese, and it's only for work. These King Stoats are worth about £500+ which is approx $1100+ they have very few side effects. There is only one way of sniffing it, otherwise your head will asplode.
Five easy steps
- 1. Acquire a White Stoat.
- 2. Acquire a fine large leaf of Tobacco.
- 3. Roll White Stoat up into the tobacco [like spliff].
- 4. Place the Stoat roll to lips.
- 5. And then suck all then Stoat out of it!!
The effects are very good for those who can afford them. There are only two hotspots for white Stoats otherwise you are just unlucky that you have found one. These hotspots are found in China and then Japan.
- Has a very high helucinagenic effect.
- Your Ego will become invounrable [like having amazing comebacks from your mum jokes].
- You will be able to 'walk five hundred miles, And I would walk five hundred more, Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles' [you know the song].
- Extended life [how do you think the Chinese and Japanese live so long].
- If rolled incorectly head will asplode!
edit Stoats in the past
The first major sighting of the stoats was in Canada in 1896, there were two strike forces of 450 Stoats they landed there in their atomic meteors to attack the whole of Canada, then America and then the world. They swept through Canada with little resistance [a mere 23 cavemen and women], finally ending up at their final destination. America was a hard slog for the Stoats, the military used evrything they could but to no avail, the Stoats mauled and totaly destroyed the Americans, then the president [a chimp] had an amazing idea, call fourth the army of the sea, the Fishmen. The war raged for years Thousands of Fishmen were killed by the Stoats, until the Fishmen broke through the front lines of the Stoats, they managed to kill 153 Stoats in one attack. This massive loss coaxed the Stoat Primark out [the leader of all Stoats]. the team of fishmen that broke through the lines were met by a bear sized White Stoat, with speed of lightning and and some say the powers of Chuck Norris, a godslayer, this almighty Stoat destroyed the unlucky team of Fishmen and then headed for many thousands more. The table below is approximated.
|Unit/Rank||Stoats killed||Fishmen killed|