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Wallace Monument, 3, 2, 1... get ready for launch...

Stirling (or Raploch in Gaelic, meaning Small street on a little hill on the flat bit between two bigger but separate hilly bits) is a city in central Scotland but only became one because Queen Elizabeth had been on the throne for 50 years and got bored. It is built around a castle which built by William Wallace in 1903, was designed to be a copy of Edinburgh Castle where Robert the Bruce was staying. However, a lack of mathematical knowledge passed down from his uncle resulted in the scale being screwed up, making it half the size of Edinburgh Castle. Former Stirling Council leader and Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell caused controversy however when he claimed that it was actually Edinburgh Castle, just far, far away.

edit Around the Town

Stirling claims to be the smallest city in Scotland, a title really held by Brechin, that so called city up in Angus. The town is the seat of the Scottish Ned Party (or SNP). It is a friendly town, as everyone seems to know everyone else's business, with the exception of one's friend's partner's marital status.

Wallace Monument was built as a marketing exercise for the now defunct Sword Hotel to create business - didn't work!!!! If anyone has noticed the general similarity in shape to an erect male member, this is to remind locals and Scots in general that pricks in the shape of English people are invading.

The town has a rich history, with Wallace, Gromit and Mel Gibson winning the Battle of Hastings here on 12th September 1648 and Stirling Albion FC winning the Scottish Second Division in 1995/96. The town however fails to remember its football club however as nobody gives a Raploch Rat's arse about the team, choosing to support Rangers, Celtic or East Stirlingshire instead. The team was once beaten by the greatest Alloa side of all time 7 - 0. As a result, the team had to move from there, and so their old Annfield ground (now rented out on a peppercorn rent to Liverpool FC) to the current ground of Forthbank, called so because of the River Forth that flows through the town and floods the entire place from time to time, normally on a Sunday. Footballer Duncan Ferguson was born in Stirling and went down to Liverpool, hoping to get a game for Liverpool after seeing them at Annfield. However, he joined Everton by mistake.

Unlike their sporting heroes, the town has remembered Mel Gibson however as shown by the large monument erected in his memory. Historic Scotland believe however that this was the first medieval attempt at building a rocket, originally planned to attack London after the death of Gibson in 1903. The village of Bannockburn (named so because someone there burnt a pancake once, Bannock being pancake in Doric) is also nearby where the Battle of Stirling Bridge took place. Other battle sites around Stirling include Falkirk and Recreation Park, where Stirling Albion lose to Alloa Athletic once or twice a season, on one occasion 7 - 0.

edit Out Of Town


Crowd at the old Annfield, some bearing the red and white scarves of Stirling Albion.(AKA where's Waldo)

Any visitor who has sampled the usual tourist delights of the city, such as expensive scones in the castle or buying skag from a 'Haney', will soon find themselves in a cattle information centre. These centers were set up by the scottish tourist board to help cash cows find their way around the city but can be used by anyone looking for a map of the stunning Ochils.

The Ochils (or Ochil Hills if yer no fae aboot here) were founded by the Dumyat tribe in 312AD and have been very damp ever since. The 1st tourist arrived in 340AD and was an Italian centurion called 'Want Your Landius', a friendly fellow who didn't like the local traditions of dismembering foreigners much so went back down south. He then found the locals were intent on following their local traditions so had to get a gardener called Antonine to build a wall for him, but it was made of earth so didn't stand up to the weather or locals and he was forced to bring in a brickie called Hadrian. The Dumyat tribe had something to say about that wall too.

Today the locals are more friendly from Monday to Friday 08:00 - 18:00 giving tourists the oppertunity to walk, horse ride, cycle or scuba dive across sheriffmuir and much of the Ochils. Highlights include several trig points, lots of sheep, gorse bushes and bracken. There's also some dull stuff like breathtaking views down the forth valley but that's just scraping the barrel.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Stirling.

edit BOFA or Bridge of Allan

Bridge of Allan (Gaelic for I drive a 4x4 and my head is stuck up my arse so get out of my way)

The mighty Allan the council kindly built flood defence 15 years ago but just like any council initiative they didn’t fix the problem just moved it down stream 400yards. Ivory /slave Merchants and Vinegar distillers settled here 1843. One of them went to India and stole Cleopatra’s needle which is now situated on the banks of the Thames it should have been erected in Bridge of Allan but lucky for Tesco’s who have plans to open a satellite store on the area kept for the Egyptian relic.

edit See also

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