Stingray Hunting Coalition
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“Fuck bears. These things scare the shit out of me!”
“Do you like my Halloween costume? I made it myself!”
“That's just bad taste! But seriously, the guy was asking for it.”
The Stingray Hunting Coalition, or SHC, are dedicated to proving to those damn dirty stingrays that humanity is still the dominant species on this planet and no filthy ocean rat can change that. Their courage and moxie is unmatched by even the greatest military leaders. A cornered platoon of SHC soldiers was found to have slain over 5,000 stingrays in a massive assault in which they barricaded themselves on Knuttin Atoll, a small island off the coast of Hawaii.
SHIT.... whoever wrote this is a genius because Irwin was a great man and shall be missed.
Prior to the Cold War, stingrays were widely regarded as an ally of mankind. The very notion of stingray terrorism was ridiculous, not even funny. FDR referred to their leader as Uncle Joe, showing how he thought of them as family. However, once the F-bomb "Fat Albert" was dropped on Hiroshima, the stingrays revealed their true colors and began building arsenals of poisonous barb-tipped nuclear warheads aimed directly at the United States and her allies. While the Truman administration cast the threat aside, choosing to focus on the Soviets, the stingrays proliferated and spread throughout southern Asia and Australia. They began secret raids around the world, killing off celebrities and important political figures such as Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and George Reeves. These deaths, often heroic, were kept classified by the C.I.A. for many years for reasons undetermined. Recent footage documents the Kennedy murder. Though the killer itself is off-screen, careful viewers can see a poisonous barb embed itself in the President moments before Lee Harvey Oswald's mercy killing. As for George Reeves, a film is being released this year but the liberal media's presence is heavy in it, so a stingray mention is very unlikely.
Throughout the sixties, seventies, and eighties, the stingray population went unchecked. They continued their attacks against America, coming to a head in the Vietnam War and Operation Desert Storm. The government refused to acknowledge them, resulting in the deaths of five million men and women. However, all knowledge was not lost. In Quentin Tarantino's Vietnam masterpiece, Apocalypse Now, stingrays can often be seen beneath the soldiers' boat, proving that the stingray threat was now recognized by a portion of the global population.
- In 1994, 32 year old Steve Irwin founded the Stingray Hunting Coalition, a secret society devoted to the annihilation of stingrays. He continued to serve as its leader until the C.I.A. assassinated him under suspicion of credit fraud, ironically blaming the death on the very creatures he had fought so valiantly to eliminate. When pierced through the heart by the C.I.A agent's poison barb-tipped knife, he pulled it out of himself and used it to kill the agent along with fourteen stingrays before he collapsed. His right-hand man, Jeff Corwin, was sworn into office three hours after Steve's demise. The SHC continues their struggle to this day.
Selection and Training
It is widely believed that the only entrance into the SHC is by casual invitation. This is not the case. The SHC searches the world for the most elite soldiers from all nationalities and presents them with an ultimatum--they will join the SHC or every man, woman, and child on the planet will die. There are currently 420 soldiers, fifty of whom are new recruits.
Training itself is rigorous. Trainees are placed in a room with ravenous bugblatters, self-decapitating werewolves, and Tom Cruise, then forced to fight them in brutal hand to hand combat. This exercise continues every Thursday in thirty seven-week runs (in a ROW?) for three years before they may continue to the next stage of training. They travel to the nation in which they will be serving and must successfully track down and kill a stingray. They are not given reinforcements, and to date over 650 trainees have died in this step. Finally, they are assigned to a platoon and begin hunting.
Advancement and Organization
At the top of the chain is the Stinger, currently Jeff Corwin. Then follows the two members of his personal hunting squad, the Barbs (Paul Hogan and Joseph Liebermann). Next are the officers of the various platoons, the Pointy Tails. Finally, there are the soldiers, or Flat Leathery Fish Things. It is only possible to rise through the ranks of SHC by appointment from the Stinger himself. The Coalition often recruits recruits from like-minded organizations such as A.S.R.L.O.A.A.A.A.O.C.T.L.S.I.T.F.C.H. (ANTI-STING-RAY-LEAGUE OF AMERICA AND AUSTRALIA AND OTHER COUNTRIES THAT LOVE STEVE IRWIN THE FORMER CROCODILE HUNTER). Founded in 1997, the A.S.R.L.O.A.A.A.A.O.C.T.L.S.I.T.F.C.H. (A.S.R.L.A.A.O.C.T.L.S.I.F.C.H. for short) exists as a body of angry-feeling people who don't like stingrays, but is less specifically focused on causing violence against the vicious killers of the deep than is the Coalition. Members also insist on writing everything in caps to display their true, Klingon-like rage concerning the death of their beloved at the hands of a stingray. acavav
The enemies of the SHC come in many various forms which are almost but not completely unlike common stingrays. There are vampiric and lycanthropic stingrays which are invulnerable to most conventional weapons save for ultraviolet light and cocktail shrimp. Accompanying these are the barrel clown stingrays, the Deadly Viper Assassination Stingrays, Ninja stingrays, Pirate stingrays, bionic stingrays (recently used in an assault against the ex-planet Mickey), and the dreaded Lesser Reticulated Dragon Stingrays of Southern Guam. The latter are partly responsible for the untimely demolition of the Sahara casino in Las Vegas.
- Steve Irwin
- Tom Cruise
- Jeff Corwin
- Barrel Clown
- Cold War
- Mr. Stingray
- UnNews: Stingray Massacre