Sting
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“O Sting, where is thy death?”
~ William Shakespeare on Sting
“This didn't work at all!”
~ Castaway on sending Messages in bottles
Sting (born Gordon Sumner Harkonnen) is a well known British deep-throat jizz singer and defender of the universe. Sometimes referred to as "Stink" he is famous for his challenging lyrics and complex rhythms, gathered from a wealth of influences around the world. Some 2,000 years ago he sung with The Police before going out on his own in Iowa's famous Maroon Light District.
He is also known as a natural narcotic and sleeping agent with the ability to put entire stadiums into coma-like trances. Sting also plays the bass, which makes him better than all other musicians combined by 12 orders of magnitude.
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[edit] Origin of the Nickname Sting
Sting was born Gordon Sumner Harkonnen. Music scholars avoiding real employment have offered many possible theories as to the origin of his moniker Sting. A long standing rumor is that he received this nickname during a game of Nude Twister with Sir Sean Connery. During a rousing and competitive match, which was viewed by millions on BBC on July 19, 1968, Sting attempted a daring maneuver, now considered legendary, by performing a one-armed one-footed back bend to gain a considerable lead over Mr. Connery. However, so sooner than he did this, a West-African Horned Bumble Bee landed on his semi-erect penis, stinging it. Although he won the match, Sting had to be rushed to a nearby ambulance, accompanied by Connery. During the ride, Connery had been rumored to remark jokingly on this occurrence by saying, "Now that you have dethroned me ash 'King of All Thingsh Twishter', you too get to feel the shting (loosely translated to 'Sting') of defeat!", followed by a blood-curdling laugh.
One claim states that his sister, L’Shaniqua Sumner, gave him the name at the age of three when she first heard him sing "God Save The King", and subsequently tried to commit suicide by sticking her face into a beehive.
In middle school, Sumner was taunted by other students who disliked his lack of any real talent, constant self-promotion, and repeated shirtlessness. Sumner would often rub down his naked torso with rancid grease from the cafeteria to make himself glisten, then stand in front of a full length mirror for hours admiring his shining pecs and learning from his greatest influence, Jimi Hendrix. Sometimes on a hot day, the reflection of the sun off the mirror would start to cook the rotten fat, making everyone’s eyes sting.
At an early performance at Glastonbury in 1972, Sting's college band The Gordon Sumner Harkonnen and Needless Cutlery Experience opened for Tom Jones. Sumner went on and on about political causes, then sang an early version of "Russians". When Jones finally got on stage, he found the audience curled up in the fetal position covering their ears. The promoters attempted to revive people with water cannons, but Tom grew impatient with the delay. He remarked into the microphone, "What do you call that, boyos? That guy stinks. I mean, stink, stink, stink!" Unfortunately, because Tom was suffering from a cold he'd caught from a prostitute, the last words came out as "sting, sting, sting!".
American record executive Paul Shapiro, when he first heard Sting’s demo recording of "Da-Goo-goo-ga-ga", remarked "this garbage will make a lot of money". His colleagues asked him what effects it will have on the general public, to which he replied "it will really sting".
All of these stories are true. Sting just seems to have attracted the name to himself.
[edit] Musical career
[edit] Sting and The Police
Sting started out his career in music by joining The Police. Of course, being a complete fool, Sting had been trying to join the actual British Police force but he fucked-up royally and ended up being the singer in a rock band with a sideline in cod-reggae instead. Oh, Sting; you great idiot!
The Police managed to record several albums and a string of hits including "Massage On My Bollocks", "Preposition Man," "Every Little Thing Sting Does Is Tragic" and "Wanking On The Moon"[1]. The band received considerable attention for Sting's faintly-ridiculous falsetto singing style which many people have tried to imitate only to fail as they collapse in fits of helpless laughter.
[edit] Solo Career
Starting in 1985, Sting insisted on releasing solo albums. The first of these, The Dream of Blue Language sold well to a generation who had found themselves newly middle-aged. This album included Sting's passionate anti-slavery single "If You Love Someone Set Them Free" about which Sting has said "If you love somebody, set them free. If you hate somebody, then don't set them free. Simple as that." Sting denies he has ever owned slaves and insists the purpose of the song was to "end slavery in the American South and Nazi Germany". In 1987, Sting followed-up his debut album with ...Nothing Like The Police which included the singles "Englishman In New York" which he dedicated to "some old poofter I met over there" and "Fragile" inspired, according to Sting, "by a vase I broke by singing at it". 1991 saw the release of Sting's third album, The Yellow Pages which spawned the unnecessary hit "All This Thyme" in which Sting put the rigours of cooking the Sunday roast into song to the horror of many critics. 1996 gave us Mercury Drinking and the singles "Let De La Soul Be Your Pilot" and "Gary Glitter Still Touches Me". In 1999 he released Brand New Gay, which included the hit single "The Desert Blows". Some fucking car-making company, Audi probably, made an advert for this song which also plugged one of their petrol-guzzling, pollution-spewing tin-cans. Or was it the other way around? Sting was driving the car, anyway, looking smug.
[edit] Sting's and NWA
Sting thought the song "Fuck Tha Police" was about his former band and became so outraged that he wrote a rap song called "Fuck N.W.A." and stated publicly "Ice Cube is a punk ass bitch. His name is Ice Cube not because he's cold as ice, but because when heated he melts! And I'm bringing the heat motherfucker!" After showing the rap to his label, they told him that the song "Fuck tha Police" was not about his band but about the Los Angeles Police Department. After hearing this he confronted Eazy E, apologized about his statements and attempts to write a rap song, and the two became lifelong friends until E's death. They even recorded a duet called "Eazy and Sting Reppin' the Compton Style, Yo!", but due to legal issues with E's estate (as well as the song being terrible) it was never released publicly.
[edit] Sting and Sex
Sting practices "tantric sex", a form of shagging that means, using Buddhist powers, he can enjoy the act of sexual lovemaking for a billion hours before releasing his love yoghurt. This means that he can satisfy any lady (or open-minded man), except those who hate Sting. An unfortunate side-effect of this form of sex, however, is that Sting's pork-sword glows blue when orcs are near.
[edit] Sting's B.O.
Sting is widely reputed not to use deodorant, and to be very smelly as a result.
[edit] See also
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ #"Giant ejaculations is what you make! Wanking on the moon! I hope my wrist don't break! Wanking on the moon! We could wank for-ever! Wanking on the moon! We could cum tog-eeether! Wanking on, wanking on the mooon..."
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