Stimpson J. Cat
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Date of birth:||August 9, 1923|
|Place of birth:||Over There, Michigan|
|Occupation||Jack of Too Many Trades|
|Spouse||Single for eternity|
|Children||None (see above)|
“Steempy! You eediot!”
This article is chiefly biographical. If anyone has any further information, please feel free to make it better, I'm out of ideas ...
Stimpson Joel Cat, perhaps better known as "Stimpy" of Ren and Stimpy fame, was perhaps one of the most inspirational people of the 20th century. As a renowned draft dodger, time traveler, national hero, alleged inventor, politician, entertainer, cartoonist, and government fugitive, Stimpson's long-running but obscure legacy, a result of an incredible life of hardships overcome and challenges faced without the slightest hint of fear, remains evident in everything we know today.
edit The Early Years
Stimpson was born at 7:33 AM on the foggy morning of August 9, 1923 to Martha Superman Cat and Jon Arbuckle Cat in the unimaginably small town of Over There, Michigan. Many things were strange about Stimpson's birth, namely the fact that he was born in a log cabin he built with his own two hands to a mother who had passed away in infancy. (For more information on the story this, see section "Time Travel".) Stimpson's first few years of life were spent working for his father for less than current minimum wage, which was quite good earnings for the time. From the minute he was able to walk at 10 months old, he was put to work six hours a day chopping wood behind the cabin in anticipation of his father's using it to build an addition onto the side of the house that would later become home to the only daily operating monorail system in the entire Western hemisphere. Unfortunately, this plan never came into fruition due to a tragic accident involving beavers and a very angry cockroach farmer that left his father unable to walk for more than a few feet without collapsing into his wheelchair. Stimpson tearfully promised his father that he would seek revenge on those who had left him in this sorry state and would not rest until he had succeeded. He then promptly rested with a nap that lasted three years.
edit The Great Depression
Stimpson, aged 8 years in October 1929, was shown by his wheelchair-bound father how to invest in the stock market. Being the impulsive and overeager young cat that he was, he immediately placed every penny he had into stocks in some company no one remembers anymore. Luckily for him, he spotted an incredible barf-green tricycle in the window of the local toy shop on the evening of October 28, 1929 and promptly sold all of his stock shares in order to purchase the tricycle. Discovering that he still had dozens of dollars left over afterwards, he placed them all in his mattress for safekeeping. The next day, of course, the stock market crashed into a brick wall at high velocity when it was uprooted from its location on Wall Street, USA in Disney's Fiscal Kingdom Park in Washington, D.C. by a hurricane. Investors' money was thrown from their hands in the impact, leading to the biggest loss of money worldwide since sometime in the 1800s somewhere or something.
The next 10 years would be a nightmare for people the world over, including young Stimpson. His tricycle would finally break under his incredible girth in 1931 (he then weighed 225 pounds), prompting him to enter a weight-loss program. For the next year he exercised ceaselessly from dawn until dusk, and then continued from dusk until dawn the next day, when the routine would start over. On January 25, 1935, Stimpson passed out from overexertion and entered a coma until December 7, 1941.
edit World War II - Draft Dodging
Stimpson awoke from his restful coma on Decepber 7, 1941 when Pearl Harbor went boom, shaking him from his exercise mat. He took a quick shower and ran outside to see what was going on. Realizing it was nothing important, he ate a bowl of Corn Chips cereal, went to the bathroom, and went back to bed.
Less than one week later, Stimpson was issued an order by the United States government informing him that he had been drafted to fight on the German front lines. Realizing this would mean he would have to abandon his now rapidly aging father, who was in need of an increasing amount of care, especially since Stimpson had been passed out on the floor for nearly all of the last seven years. John A. Cat was tended to by Stimpson for the next month until another draft notice came. Nearly panicking, Stimpson arranged for his father to be given a companion to care for him in the event that Stimpson should be whisked away to war. The companion finally arrived in the mail in the form of an obese orange cat named Garfield.
Stimpson assisted his father in caring for Garfield for another month before a third, decidedly more threatening draft notice arrived. Now Stimpson panicked. He decided there was only one way out of this: he would have to flee the country.
Packing his things in a hurry, Stimpson ran for the border. He made it clear to the Mexican border before he was stopped by a government official, in this case a customs officer. When asked why he was crossing the border, he claimed he was actually from Mexico and merely returning from an incredibly long vacation. The customs officer, not being too terribly alert after a bout of binge drinking the night before, let Stimpson through without further questions.
While south of the border, Stimpson befriended Reynold R. Reynold, an asthma-stricken Chihuahua with numerous skin diseases and no home. He nicknamed this poor creature Ren, for reasons unknown. Together Stimpson and newfound friend Reynold constructed a home for diseased children out of Stimpson's remaining back fat (he never did finish that exercise program, after all), with an upstairs apartment which they shared. The revenue brought in by tourists eager to see the freakish diseases the children living in the home bore was enough for Stimpson and Reynold to live comfortably for many months.
In July of 1947, a variety of lawsuits were brought against Stimpson and Reynold's Home for the Hideously Disfigured Children of the Immediate Area, claiming that putting the children on display was an act of animal cruelty. Seeing no alternative, Stimpson packed Reynold into a box and fled the country once more. Crossing the United States under the cover of night and stopping only once to check on his father, who had become convinced that his fat lazy cat could talk to him and was insulting him in its thoughts, the pair made it successfully to the US-Canadian border, where Stimpson once again fooled the customs officer into believing he was native to the country he was attempting to enter, this time by adding "eh?" to the end of every sentence. (He was able to pass off Reynold in his box as expired meat.)
Together in Canada, Stimpson and Reynold sought a new career. They ultimately joined the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen, serving the country in ways not even they could seem to find relevant to national security. Ultimately this choice of work paid off when the pair fought the Battle of Niagara Falls against the invading people of New York, who were attempting to claim the falls as their own. When Stimpson and Reynold led the Canadian armies to a smashing victory, they were celebrated throughout Canada and named national heroes, eh? Unfortunately, this caught the attention of the United States and Mexican governments, both of whom now sought Stimpson and one of whom sought Reynold for their past offenses, and the pair were forced into hiding.
edit The 1950s: Time Travel
In 1952, while hiding out in a pizza restaurant in uptown Toronto, Stimpson and Reynold encountered an eager young inventor by the name of Mario Pagliacci. This young man, they learned, had constructed a time machine in the restaurant's kitchen out of unused ovens and ragdolls of ambiguous origin. Stimpson realized that this time machine could be the solution to his and Reynold's problems. The pair climbed in (against the advice of Pagliacci) and set off for the past.
Their first stop was made quite by accident when the pair ended up in Over There, Michigan, Stimpson's hometown, 29 years prior to Stimpson's birth. Stimpson decided that this might be a neat opportunity to see his parents as babies. He quickly located his mother's childhood home and had a nice long talk with his grandparents-to-be (who would unfortunately pass away before he would ever have been able to meet them after his birth). On his way out the door, he spied a barn nearby and decided to set it on fire as a hilarious prank. Tragically, the barn was connected via a trail of gunpowder to his mother-to-be's home, which exploded immediately. Stricken with grief, Stimpson built a log cabin with his bare hands on the spot of his mother's former home, using his own sadness and frustration at having accidentally killed someone so close to him to uproot trees without axe or saw for use in the house. His father and, paradoxically, mother would later move into this cabin, where Stimpson would be born 29 years after the unfortunate incident.
Now Stimpson decided to start setting his own life straight. He and Reynold traveled to the day of the accident that had bound his father to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He found the beavers that had been involved in the incident and cursed them out for what they had at the time not yet done, frightening them into a run. They stomped all over a cockroach farmer's herd of free-range roaches in their stampede, infuriating the farmer and causing him to chase them right to the spot where his father was at the time. The rest is history.
Stimpson, still thoroughly distraught at having twice messed up his own life, decided to encourage his younger self not to dodge the draft and to instead go to the war so as to avoid becoming a fugitive. This, as well, did not work, although the details of exactly what happened during his visit to his own past are lost, but reported to have been gruesome.
Returning to the present with a broken heart and deeply depressed, Stimpson, with the sympathetic Reynold by his side, returned Pagliacci's time machine, but not without forgetting his electric toothbrush inside and bumping the "Paradox" lever. Pagliacci, now finally trying out his time machine, was inadvertently sent back in time so far that he warped into the 10th Dimension. The toothbrush fell out of the machine during the 1800s sometime and, as it had "Property of Stimpson J. Cat" engraved on the handle, Stimpson became the "inventor" of the electric toothbrush.
edit The 1960s: Stimpson and Reynold Get Trippin'/Stimpson Runs for Office
Not a lot can be said about Stimpson and Reynold's early-1960s adventures, except that they returned to the United States in the hopes that the government had forgotten about them, and that they did a lot of drugs. When both finally completed rehabilitation in 1966, Stimpson was left with drastically reduced intelligence and Reynold with a severe rage disorder.
In 1968 Presidential elections had come around again, as they are wont to do every four years, and Stimpson, hoping to save the rest of the nation from the horrors he had experienced as a stoner, decided to run for office. Unfortunately, his "Flatulence is the Key to Happiness" campaign slogan (created with the help of Reynold) didn't catch on, and he was easily defeated by That Guy. His vice-presidential candidate, baseball legend James "Jimmy Neutron" Carter, faded into obscurity. Ren exploded at Stimpson due to his new rage disorder and screamed at him for four solid months about how come HE didn't get to be the VP candidate. Stimpson then cried, and Reynold apologized.
edit The 1980s: Stimpson and Reynold Hit the Big Time
During the 80s, however, Stimpson and Reynold headed out west to Hollywood, where a struggling cartoonist named Matt Groening just so happened to be at the same time. He found Stimpson's antics induced by his drug-altered intelligence irresistible and cast him as the father of a family of yellow people on a new TV show entitled "The Stimpsons." Unfortunately, Stimpson could never remember his lines and was quickly fired from the show in favor of a fat yellow man by a similar name. Reynold once again screamed at Stimpson for four solid months about how come HE didn't get to be on the show. Once again Stimpson then cried, and once again Reynold apologized.
Near the end of the 80s the pair got ready to go to bed until the next decade when a half-insane animator guy decided they'd be great for their own show. Unfortunately, as "The Stimpson and Reynold Show" didn't have a great ring to it, the pair had to be given new names while they were on the set. Thus, "The Ren and Stimpy Show" was born. Not many people realize that the show was entirely unscripted and was a combination of videotapings of the duo's everyday lives and retellings of some of their past adventures, including a misinformed "documentation" of their days as Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen.
edit The 1990s: Retirement
In 1991, the government discovered "The Ren and Stimpy Show" and, unfortunately, recongized Stimpson as the draft dodger they had been hunting with taxpayer dollars for the last half a century. Stimpson and Reynold realized they would have to go off the air lest the government capture them. In a stroke of luck, John Kricfalusi, the show's Canadian creator, was fired from the show's staff for making the show too violent for young viewers mere hours before the government stormed the studio. This was just enough time for Stimpson and Reynold to flee the city and be replaced with look-alikes who were then sold to Nickelodeon for a few more seasons of much less entertaining episodes of "their" show.
In 1994, Stimpson realized he was getting very old and chose to retire to scenic Easter Island. Finding himself unbearably bored without Reynold's company (Reynold had retired to Hawaii since he was not wanted by the US government - only that of Mexico), he began writing about his life on used napkins and ended up, in 1997, with a complete autobiography. He also drew cartoons on the side based on his insane father, who he portrayed as a human being plagued by his fatty cat Garfield. As a subplot, his father's character was forever seeking love unsuccessfully. He published these comics under the pseudonym Jim Davis.
edit The 2000s: All Good Things ...
Stimpson became gravely ill in 2001 after hearing about 9/11. He would be bedridden for the short remainder of his life.
Stimpson spent his final months watching "The Simpsons," the show that spawned from his unsuccessful business deal with Matt Groening and had to be renamed once Stimpson left. Being senile he had completely forgotten that the show came as a result of his own inability to remember his lines and found the reruns hilarious.
His autobiography, Fattipus: My Convoluted Life's Story, is available from Fat Mustard Book Corp. at most bookstores.