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So. What is a Stigmata?
-You on Stigmata
Well, son, when a deity and a woman love each other very much, His presence penetrates her body and comes onto her in the form of bleeding wounds on her hands and forehead — and sometimes her feet and stomach if that's how He likes it. I know it looks like it's hurting Mommy, but it's actually a very beautiful thing.
-Your Mom on what you saw in her bedroom last night
Wow. I am soooooooo sorry about that stigmata I gave that chick last night. Man, was I wasted...
-Oscar Wilde on Stigmata
Stigmata is the religious name given to the medical condition known as Spontaneous Preternatural Uninhibited Reverse Transfusion (or SPURT), and is a major problem facing industrialized societies today.
When a deity inflicts stigmata on a human — also referred to as nailing her — the human manifests the wounds of Jesus on the cross. For some reason this is actually thought to be a good thing, even if the human has a very rare blood type that makes transfusions difficult to attain. Thus, stigmata are classified as miracles even though most of the time when an invisible force makes blood leak out of your appendages it is considered a curse, or possibly even a plague.
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There have been over 1,500 reported cases of stigmata over the course of history, although only 500 hundred of these occurred in living humans, as opposed to zombies, on whom one cannot tell the difference between real and faked stigmata due to the zombie's lack of natural healing mechanisms and tendency to eat anyone who tries to investigate the wounds.
The first recorded stigmata were experienced in 1222 by a man in England named Stephen Langton, though scientists now believe that he had merely been infected by an alien parasite which was menstruating through his wrists. As a result he has never been canonized as a Saint, although this could also be due to the fact that he had the audacity to bleed on the Pope's new carpet.
Other famous stigmatics have included Saint Catherine of the Extreme Dizziness, Saint Marie of the Pale and Unenergetic, and Brother Roque of the Very High Dry Cleaning Bill. The overwhelming majority of stigmatics are women — although there is no evidence that a sex change with either provoke or remove the condition.
Recently there have been some who have questioned the validity of stigmata, claiming that the wounds are in fact self-inflicted. This objection arises primarily from whiny goth girls who like to cut themselves, but who realize that slashing your wrists just isn't as cool as having nail holes spontaneously erupt from them. Skeptics point out that historically there have been examples of stigmatics who were shown to have faked their wounds — Magdalena de la Cruz, for instance — but she was a whiny goth girl, so it all just goes to show that the entire problem is those stupid high school girls who shop exclusively at Hot Topic and complain about their upper-middle-class suburban lives. You know who you are, and no, I won't read your depressing poetry about how you are surrounded by darkness. Why don't you learn some color sense so you don't have to wear black all the time?
People may also fake stigmata knowing that the Pope may declare a reputed stigmatic to be holy. However, while the Pope may be fooled, no Anti-Pope has ever been wrong about the authenticity of a stigmatic.
Classically stigmata appear on five distinct bodily locations, approximating the wounds which Christ inflicted upon himself in response to being forced to sit through Mel Gibson's The Passion. These wounds include:
- Wounds caused by a Crown of Thorns
- Whipping or scourging of the back
- A spear wound in the side
- Nail holes in the hands or wrists
- Nail holes in the feet or ankles
Despite attempts to ascertain a pattern in the manifestation of these elements of stigmata, no success has been found. Most believe they are assigned randomly when God spins a Twister spin-wheel and yells out "Left Hand Red!" or a simlar phrase. This theory led to the famous quotation by Albert Einstein, who said, "God does not play dice, but he does play Twister."
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