Stick Poking

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What else to do with a drunk on the street than to poke him using a stick?

Stick Poking is an American pastime that has been going on for centuries. It basically involves people poking things with sticks when they have nothing else to do. No wonder it's so popular!


Poking things with sticks traces back to 20-million years ago, right after the extinction of the dinosaurs. It began when a caveman got a stick and starting poking dinosaur corpses. Another caveman saw this and wanted to play. Unfortunately, he didn't have a stick so he tried to steal the stick from the other caveman, so the caveman impaled the stick into the other caveman's brain, killing him. The caveman then started poking the freshly killed body.

During the Medieval times, stick poking faced a temporary decline. A knight named Sir Pokes-A-Lot has been known during this time for poking slain dragons with his sword. Thus began the new fad, sword poking. This did not last so long, since most of the pokees were stabbed to death. This caused the ban on swords worldwide and left people without anything fun to do during their spare time.

Sometime later, television was invented for the amusement of lazy people and computers for nerds. The average idiots of society found a way to entertain themselves by rediscovering their long-lost passion for poking random objects with sticks. And thanks to its copious amounts of drunkards, stick poking slowly became America's national pastime.

Ethics of stick poking

Poking stick

For those of you who think stick poking is just a simple little thing that anyone can do, FUCK OFF! How would you like it if I said kickball is just a stupid game that involves kicking balls!? Anyways, stick poking is a rigorous and vital activity which requires much skill. Not just any stick on the ground could be used for poking. An ideal poking stick must be the right length, the right thickness, must not give you splinters when you touch it, and must have no signs of termites or beavers. Such a stick should be able to withstand the most unpleasant poking surfaces (such as walrus ass) without snapping in half, as it is traditional that only one stick is to be used for poking purposes. It is for this reason why poking sticks must be labelled to show why they are better than regular lame sticks (for a genuine poking stick, see the image to the left).

A person must be willing to attend stick-poking lessons, drink plenty of calcium-enriched milk, and be given a license before unleashing chaos with a tree's arm (or penis, as the case may be). Certified stick pokers have the proper knowledge and power to poke objects which would normally fight back against uncertified pokers. Especially trained professionals have the ability to poke things without the use of sticks.

Types of poking sticks

Different kinds of sticks can be used for poking. Varied stuff will happen to objects you poke, depending on the stick and what you choose to poke. Below is a list of the different kinds of poking sticks and information about them.

  • Common poking stick: The most commonly used stick. It can be found in trees and on the ground.
  • Pointy stick: A stick that is pointy. Commonly used for things in Kind A. It will make fat things jump and fatter things explode.
  • Sticks on a stick: Sticks attached to another stick. You can poke multiple things at the same time.
  • Burning stick: A stick that have been heated by fire. Makes things that you poke jump and scream. If you poke something fat, chances are you will smell a nice bacon scent afterward.
  • Bloody head on a stick: A very rare and sought after object.

Things to be poked with sticks

Before poking something with a stick, you must decide WHAT to poke. Then you should consider if it is worthy to be poked at all (usually it is). After that, go ahead and poke it.

There are two main kinds of things that are poked by sticks. There is Kind A (Things that jiggle) and Kind B (things that stay still). There are also things that can have a devastating effect on you and/or others unless you avoid poking them. Here is a list of things from each category.

Kind A

Hey Lincoln, that's not a certified beating stick!

Kind B

Things you should never poke with sticks

Famous stick pokers

A few people have become very famous for poking things with sticks. Perhaps the most famous of these is Steve Irwin, who is legendary for poking crocodiles and other dangerous animals with sticks. Farmer Brown is also widely accredited for stick-poking large numbers of cows and pigs. Even the great Jason Voorhees has been known to poke the bodies of people he kills.

Some guy has been featured in The Guinness Book of Records for highest number of pokes. He is shown to have poked a sleeping mutant walrus 2000,500,21 times before it exploded. A Sumo Wrestler has also been featured for Most times to be poked with a stick, having been poked 1000,800,10 times and counting. Many Sumo Wrestlers have been trying to beat this record, but all of them exploded upon the hundredth poke. How does he do it?

Other uses for sticks

Sticks can be used for other fun activities besides poking things. Here is a list of what ELSE you could do with sticks:

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