“I knew some tax collector called Steven. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”Steven Thorp (generally known as 'Thorpedo') is the ancient Walsallian God of Physics. Steven is rumored to be receiving a doctorate in the subject and is currently writing two books: Steven: The Life and Times of a National Treasure and Thorpisms: The musings of Steven Thorp. Caving into popular demand, Steven will be appearing next year on BBC One's This Is Your Life.
The Thorpedo, a Biography
The Thorpedo is known throughout the town of Walsall to be living disproof of Darwin's Theory of Evolution. It is common knowledge in Walsall that he created the universe.
“Everybody knows it was Thorpedo and his magic hands that made the world and that, innit?”
Thorpe read Natural Sciences at St John's College at the University of Cambridge, where he amazed the tutors with his intellect. By demonstrating a revolutionary grasp of the application of the laws of physics, Thorpe was able to complete the degree course in just under an hour, with two half hour breaks. His graduate thesis on "Thorpistic Temporal Relativity" was sent to the world's leading academics, and was received with great acclaim by all concerned. It has been translated into 60 languages and is available from a variety of suppliers. The University has agreed to present Thorpe with his doctorate once he explains just what it all means, and what the hell it has to do with physics.
Thorp is admired throughout the ancient town of Walsall for the pearls of wisdom he shares with the locals. These have become affectionately known as 'Thorpisms'. A few examples follow:
- "Be quiet and watch the Meerkats!"
- "Most of you did do well, but half of you didn't."
- "A new planet in the Solar system has been discovered, named Xena. X-E-N-A, as in the warrior princess."
- "Have you heard of an Electrostatic Precipitator? No? You haven't lived!"
- "Welcome back to the wonderful world of Physics!"
- "Most of your hand is made up of water. And blood. Mainly blood, really."
- "Imagine the charge as a great, big ball of coulomb."
- "Don't you dare try to learn in my lesson!"
- "Aliens did not create the universe. If it did, it would have to be one hell of an alien. It would have to be the mother of all aliens."
- "It's easy to vaporise yourself..."
- "This equation is very important. It is your friend."
- "If you were hit by microwaves...You'll be alright, just hide under the bed."
- "I don't want to be Obi-Wan, I want to be Chewbacca!" (Proceeds to make a chewbacca snarl)
- "Sweet heavens of Murgatroid, what do you think you're doing?"
- "Let's see how the Tesla has enriched our lives."
- "Imagine, if you will, a field of wheat..."
- "They didn't say it would be like this at the interview."
- "I enrich the subject with vivid metaphor and all I ever get is abuse."
- "Failure is not funny."
- "It's like a veritable kaleidoscope condensed into one very pleasing whole"
- "A picture is worth ten words."
- "Do I teach at all? That is the question."
- "What am I? A performing monkey?"
- "A potential divider is simply two resistors in parallel; I kid you not."
- "Are you aware of the concept of Basketball?"
- "I don't think they know. Demonstrate the crab walk please."
- "With a name like 'Sadique' she might have been one of them Europeans. Like French."
- "My Words of Wisdom should never be allowed to be viewed by the public."
Theories and Other Works
Thorp is responsible for one of the most important texts in the world of physics. His graduate thesis (Thorpistic Temporal Relativity) presents a groundbreaking and radical account of the theory of time dilation during physics lessons. He has written over 600 academic works including his famous graduate thesis, 3 symphonies and a clarinet concerto, and a series of horror novels under the pseudonym "Steven King".
Thorpistic Temporal Relativity
This, Thorp's graduate thesis, was the culmination of five years of university research into time dilation in the presence of a boring object. He conjectures that every massive body emits a "tedium field", with strength and range proportional to the boringness of the body. The tedium field affects the flow of the time-space continuum such that time is effectively slowed within the area of the field. Experiments have shown that, in close proximity to a geologist, an egg can take up to four hours to soft boil.
Here we present the introduction to this magnum opus, as to reproduce any more would violate the copyright and cost us money.
“Every minute you spend not enjoying your life is a minute wasted. Don't waste time. Although, can you waste time? Time goes on forever, so even if you waste a bit, there's loads more to come. Too much. More than there's been already, and there's been a lot. So all I'm saying is there's a lot of time, but it's how you spend it. It's not a waste of time if you pack lots of stuff into it. Good stuff though. Don't pack bad stuff into time, that's a waste of time.”
The modern concept of Father Christmas was originally derived from Thorp's exploits, when he mistakenly fell down a young child's chimney wearing nothing but a thong and bra, holding a bottle of whiskey. The name 'Father Christmas' is an anglicised version of the Walsallian dialect for 'Chimney Tramp'.
He is extremely scared of otters. This closely guarded secret fear was revealed to the public in June of 2007 when Thorp mistook his own hand for one of these furry and fun-loving mammals. He was later found hiding under a desk, rocking violently and murmuring "The otters are coming, the otters are coming" repeatedly.
The iPhone was in fact invented by Thorp as part of a preliminary investigation for his postgraduate thesis. It is understood that the original purpose of the experiment was to determine the length of a metre rule. In the Thorpdo's own and great words:
“It just sort of happened.”
Apple have always totally denied Thorp's involvement, but if you go to Pokemon Marriland's D/P Pokedex and type in "Thorpe" as the search term, you get only one result: Phione. ! Phione is an anagram of iPhone. This can't be a coincidence, people! It's proof!
Thorp is a keen amateur chess fanatic, and once described himself as the best player never to represent St John's, Cambridge. He won his first major trophy at the tender age of 23 and has retained the title of Staffordshire Junior Champion ever since. However, he retired from professional chess in early 2007 as the British Chess Federation refused to believe that he was under 16.
He is a close colleague of Johnny Rockett.