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“I knew some tax collector called Steven. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”Steven Thorpe (generally known as 'Thorpedo') is the ancient Walsallian God of Physics. Steven is rumored to be receiving a doctorate in the subject and is currently writing two books: Steven: The Life and Times of a National Treasure and Thorpisms: The Musings of Steven Thorpe. Caving into popular demand, Steven will be appearing next year on BBC One's This Is Your Life.
edit The Thorpedo, a biography
The Thorpedo is known throughout the town of Walsall to be living disproof of Darwin's Theory of Evolution. It is common knowledge in Walsall that he created the universe.
“Everybody knows it was Thorpedo and his magic hands that made the world and that, innit?”
Thorpe read Natural Sciences at St John's College at the University of Cambridge, where he amazed the tutors with his intellect. By demonstrating a revolutionary grasp of the application of the laws of physics, Thorpe was able to complete the degree course in just under an hour, with two half hour breaks. His graduate thesis on "Thorpistic Temporal Relativity" was sent to the world's leading academics, and was received with great acclaim by all concerned. It has been translated into 60 languages and is available from a variety of suppliers. The University has agreed to present Thorpe with his doctorate once he explains just what it all means, and what the hell it has to do with physics.
edit Theories and other works
Thorpe is responsible for one of the most important texts in the world of physics. His graduate thesis (Thorpistic Temporal Relativity) presents a groundbreaking and radical account of the theory of time dilation during physics lessons. He has written over 600 academic works including his famous graduate thesis, 3 symphonies and a clarinet concerto, and a series of horror novels under the pseudonym "Steven King".
edit Thorpistic temporal relativity
This, Thorpe's graduate thesis, was the culmination of five years of university research into time dilation in the presence of a boring object. He conjectures that every massive body emits a "tedium field", with strength and range proportional to the boringness of the body. The tedium field affects the flow of the time-space continuum such that time is effectively slowed within the area of the field. Experiments have shown that, in close proximity to a geologist, an egg can take up to four hours to soft boil.
Here we present the introduction to this magnum opus, as to reproduce any more would violate the copyright and cost us money.
“Every minute you spend not enjoying your life is a minute wasted. Don't waste time. Although, can you waste time? Time goes on forever, so even if you waste a bit, there's loads more to come. Too much. More than there's been already, and there's been a lot. So all I'm saying is there's a lot of time, but it's how you spend it. It's not a waste of time if you pack lots of stuff into it. Good stuff though. Don't pack bad stuff into time, that's a waste of time.”
The modern concept of Father Christmas was originally derived from Thorpe's exploits, when he mistakenly fell down a young child's chimney wearing nothing but a thong and bra, holding a bottle of whiskey. The name 'Father Christmas' is an anglicised version of the Walsallian dialect for 'Chimney Tramp'.
He is extremely scared of otters. This closely guarded secret fear was revealed to the public in June 2007 when Thorpe mistook his own hand for one of these furry and fun-loving mammals. He was later found hiding under a desk, rocking violently and murmuring "The otters are coming, the otters are coming" repeatedly.
The iPhone was in fact invented by Thorpe as part of a preliminary investigation for his postgraduate thesis. It is understood that the original purpose of the experiment was to determine the length of a metre rule. In the Thorpedo's own and great words:
“It just sort of happened.”
Thorpe is a keen amateur chess fanatic, and once described himself as the best player never to represent St John's, Cambridge. He won his first major trophy at the tender age of 23 and has retained the title of Staffordshire Junior Champion ever since. However, he retired from professional chess in early 2007 as the British Chess Federation refused to believe that he was under 16.
He is a close colleague of Johnny Rockett.