Steven Moffat

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“This man is Satan.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Steven Moffat
Steven Moffat (formally Steven Moffat, His Darkest Most Sinister Minister of Evil, Dark Emperor of the Chitauri, Daleks, Klingons, Sith, etc, Master of Cthulhu, Loki, and Some Other Nasty Fellows You Probably Shouldn't Cross) is frequently mistaken for Satan, and is the Siamese twin of Mark Gatiss. He is by far the most hated, loved, and feared writer/producer alive today, and, according to the Guiness Book of World Records, is the record holder for "Most Lawsuits Filed Against a Television Writer."
Scaringchildren

Steven Moffat on what it's really all about.

edit Early Days and Schooling

Steven Moffat was born in the town of Palsy, Scootl'nd, to a messed up family, including his equally-demented-but-funnier Siamese twin, Mark Gatiss. Until the age of 4, they were joined at the brain, after which Gatiss was kidnapped by a family of moles and wasn't seen for years. Steven studied at Gasblown University, where he got involved with the Gasblown University Student Television and where he first discovered his love for emotionally damaging unsuspecting audiences. Moffat's ability to write stuff that made normally stable persons weep like babies while being too addicted to stop watching was noticed by a Gasblown University professor (who was at that time, unbeknownst to anyone, Sinister Minister of Evil), James Rorimarty, who influenced him greatly and helped him develop his current style of writing by adding brutality and shock value. Under the professor's special attention, Moffat learned to write some really awful stuff about childhood nightmares, something he became passionate about, and which would later become a primary staple of Doctor Who.

edit Career

Moffat's career was launched with Press Gang after his father, a teacher, blackmailed some producers who were trying to shoot a scene at the primary school he worked at by threatening to tell the authorities that they had brought firearms on campus. Steven Moffat's work would continue to revolve around petty school drama until Professor Rorimarty got sick and tired of it and paid Moffat's wife to tell him she was running off with a fan of his show. He then warned Andre Ptaszynski that he would run him to death on a giant hamster wheel unless he strongly suggested to Moffat that he give in to his hate and write a tv show about how unfaithful wives of sitcom writers are. Moffat eventually took his advice.

edit Doctor Who

Doctor Who fans experienced their first taste of Moffat's cruel genius when he wrote 'The God Complex' episode. He handed the script to David Tennant, who read it, realized it was his worst nightmare, was unable to take it, and had to be chained to a gurney. In a coherent moment, he begged Moffat let him to leave the show, and Steven Moffat, realizing the havoc this would cause worldwide, agreed.

Moffat's next step was to find the palest actor he could to replace Tennant, as everyone knows that pale people coupled with bad lighting (a'la The Almost People) are a wonderful combination for creating mental disturbance in young and old alike. Matt Smith, who had been voted 'Most Likely to Die of Rickets' in an online poll for two consecutive years, was the obvious choice.

It was during this time that perceptive fans noticed a previously thought to be impossible darker twist in Doctor Who episodes, and a mortality-challenged character by the name of Rory (suspected of being name after Moffat's old professor) was introduced. These happenings were triggered by Moffat experiencing the deeply affecting news of the death of Professor Rorimarty, who had perished in a mind blowing epic battle with Sherlock Holmes, the author of the Sir Arthur Conan O'Barbarian novels of 19th century fame. Moffat was nominated as Sinister Minister of Evil in Rorimarty's place.

Damagesd

A banner raising awareness to the dangers of watching Moffat's programs.

edit Sherlock

While taking a train between DW sets, Moffat and Mark Gatiss began sharing and comparing new methods of viewer-torture and fangirling over the last Sherlock Holmes novel. The two men began discussing, with growing and excessive enthusiasm, how cool it would be if someone were to make a TV series based on the life of Mr. Holmes and his idiotic quarrel with Prof. Rorimarty in a modernized setting. Upon hearing a loud crash, a concerned passenger attendant peered through the door of the dining car where the men were seated, and was narrowly missed by a ceramic plate. Witnesses described the scene as being the "most terrifying thing [they had] ever seen," with the two men jumping around, hugging each other, throwing things, and screaming "Brilliant," "Fantastic," "What a marvellous idea," and "Why didn't we think of it sooner?"

After posting bail for assault, they immediately set about casting Stephen Hawking as Sherlock Holmes, and a jam-obsessed hedgehog/hobbit hybrid to play John Hammy Watson, his jumper-wearing, wheelchair-pushing morality barometer. They then found the guy with the most rabid fanbase known to tumblr, Tom Hiddleston, and casted him as Jim Rorimarty. They first filmed a one-hour pilot, which BBC, after viewing it, complained was too intense and psychologically injurious, especially the part with the otters. Moffat said that he could tone it down and lengthened it to allow audiences to adjust, and the BBC finally agreed.

While working on the new hour-and-a-half version of Sherlock, Moffat and Gatiss decided it would be a great idea to make only three episodes in a season, and with each sob-inducing season finale ending with an American cowboy-style shootout, everyone's favorite characters commiting suicide, and putting hedgehogs in washing machines. Sherlock was met with enthusiastic reviews until these finales were aired, at which point television critics became curiously silent. When one well-known reviewer was asked what he thought of season 2's ending, he refused to answer, and began avoiding eye contact.

edit Legacy

Steven Moffat has left a path of complete destruction behind him, something that he takes great satisfaction from. Recently, while loyal fans were watching Doctor Who, he deleted his Twitter account. This greatly upset viewers, as now they haven't even got a hint of what he's going to do next, leaving them unable to prepare themselves mentally for what might be coming. All over the Internet, support groups for distraught Doctor Who and Sherlock fans have cropped up, where they cry on each other's shoulders, conduct interventions, fangirl uncontrollably, and generally try to help each other recover. Currently, Moffat is deliberately dragging his feet about Sherlock season 3, hoping to juice the fans for the maximum tears possible (which is rumored to be what Tom Hiddleston styles his hair with) when he reveals that Sherlock actually is dead, and he's not coming back, and John is going to spend the rest of his life friendless except for Mrs. Hudson who is probably doomed to die in John's arms of a heart attack or something how Sherlock survived The Reichenbach Fall.

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