Steve Vai
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Steven Psycho "Steve" Vai (who was 6 on the 6th of June 1966) is an award winning Italian-American fan maintenance technician and operator, beekeeper and acted in a film no-one except aspiring fan maintenance technicians can remember, called Crossroads.
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[edit] Early Life
After a turbulent childhood playing Tetris, Vai maintained his first fan at age 12 after watching Jimmy Page touch the face of God during an extended guitar solo; he was particularly impressed with Jimmy's use of a fan to blow his hair backwards as part of Led Zepplin's stage show. Steve Vai then took lessons from Adam, who taught him the way of the electrical engineering via the manipulation of Catholic Schoolgirls. After this extensive training and a fight to the death against Stefan, he continued his quest for electric fan maintenance mastery.
After initially taking lessons from Eggman, the young Steven became a hit on his local scene with flashy electric fan usage and signature ability to blow his long, wavy hair backwards to achieve that 80's rock look. (This ability eventually became problematic, as Vai's hairline started to recede; realising he was nothing without his hair, he now steals hair off Yngwie Malmsteen, after plying him with focking burgers laced with rohypnol. Why do you think he was invited on the G3 tour in the first place?) However, undeterred by his decreasing popularity Vai became acquainted with the age of light without heat.
[edit] musical career
Steve "Silo" Vai started out professionally by operating electric fans, performing backing vocals and ordering pizza in the Frank Zappa band, where he was eventually fired for penetrating groupies with various electric fan parts.
Steve then started his hilariously pathetic film career (starred in over 100 movies), which however didn't matter as he gave this business up when he was filming a homo-erotic thriller called Crossroads, where he and fellow cast-member Ralph Machio engaged in a nice jamming session, whereupon it violently turned into an electric fan/guitar battle, Steve Vai was ultimately beaten and humiliated, so much so he dropped his one jillion dollar piebanez electric fan control panel onto his electric fan, scuffing it slightly. Steve Vai's guitar parts were recorded by Yngwie Malmsteen, despite half his hair being missing thanks to yet another focking rohypnol burger...
Steve then moved onto his solo music career, releasing his first record, "Flexy-Able (part 1, Suckers)" under the guise of Frank Zappa, however after Frank stated in Rolling Stone that he had not ever heard of the record, Steve admitted to the whole thing. Later Steve would release an apparent sequel to this record appropriately named "Flexy-able Again, I Could Really Use The Money" which featured almost three seconds of new material not featured on the original, and as such was a massive success, receiving many award nominations, including three Grammys, a Tony, and Employee Of The Month.
[edit] Current career
Steve Vai continues to be a world-class electric fan operator. Sadly, his use of a control panel that exactly resembles an electric guitar has led to the misconception that he is, in fact, a guitarist. He currently resides in Osaka, where he grows tagliatelle.
[edit] His arch nemesis
Steve Vai has an ongoing rivalry with his arch nemesis Yngwie Malmsteen, who can actually play the guitar; Steve keeps feeding him focking burgers and Swedish pizzas in order to render him a tubby laughing stock. In his spare time he enjoys keeping bees, which constantly don't pay the rent and are total dicks to him.
[edit] Discography
- Flex-able
- Flex-able again, i could really use the money
- Fashion and my hair
- Sex and the city
- Alien love tips
- Fire-crotch
- An ultra something
- 7 Songs from albums you have already paid for
- Alive ultra something
- The infinite steve vai: not literally of course
- Real illusions: it's a paradox, buy it
- Sound theories: a brief history of the funkiverse
- My gimp mask and me
- Sexual tips from an epileptic deer strangler, with Barry White and other deep voice related things.
- Yes, I am a gimp
- Gimp part 2 (with extra shreddy bits)
[edit] inane facts
- Steve Vai's electric fan is the only thing to ever stop a round-house kick provided by Chuck Norris; he was repelled by a blast of air before the kick could connect.
- His mother was in fact, a horse, and the song "bad horsie" is actually just an audio recording of his birth.
- Steve vai's electric fan control panel (often mistaken for a guitar) has a handle on it because steve has a natural coating of olive oil
- Steve vai is buckethead
- His brother is Jim Varney
- steve vai did actually penetrate groupies with electric fan control panel parts, check it out on zappa wiki/jawaka under "stevies spanking"
- Steve Vai's electric fan control panels were built from the spare wood left over from Noah when he built his Ark.
- He does in fact have a 16" wang which Howard Stern became insanely jealous over, and now has a Steve Vai Shrine in his closet
- Vai can operate an electric fan so fast his concerts are over in a matter of seconds leaving fans dazed, blown away (heh...) and demanding refunds
Steve Vai is also known as the "BLINDFOLDED WANKER" as named to him by his best and only friend.
