Steve Jobs assassination theories

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The pancreatic cancer to which Steve Jobs seemed to succumb was an ingenious cover story he had been using to hide from the Dark Brotherhood, which also assassinated scads of people in Skyrim and Oblivion.

edit Asian Slave theory

Many South Korean workers wanted to quit making IPhones for us rich fat Americans but they were actually slaves belonging to Apple Inc. but they, being the most free of the slaves had the most freedom to plan, however eventually the Vietnamese slave tribes heard of the plans. On a brave suicide mission some Vietnamese slave children escaped out the sweatshop in the process 15 of them were killed, 3 injured, and 8 made it out alive. They managed to flee to Taiwan where they sneaked on a ship heading to South Korea. When they got there only 4 of them were left, and so they joined up with the South Korean Workers. But Apple Inc. got hold of them, so the group of 15 South Koreans, and 4 Vietnamese, escaped through an abandoned underground tunnel that goes through the Demilitarized Zone. Upon their arrival to North Korea they saw the plight that communist bastard Kim Jong-il has caused, so then they allowed 3 North Koreans to join them. 4 of the 15 South Koreans died of starvation by the time they got to China. When in China, they again sneaked onto a ship, instead going to Japan. There 5 Japanese joined them. They met with Bill Gates who funded the entire assassination, and it was then on that fateful day of October 4, 2011 in Palo Alto that they poisoned Jobs, causing him to lose consciousness; the next day Jobs died and they hid all of it from the public, until now. The 3 North Koreans are believed to have returned to their homeland and assassinated Kim-Jong-il.

“I'm too greedy and cheap to fund them, dumbass.”
~ Bill Gates upon being informed of the Conspiracy

edit Wozniak/Gates theory

Many believe that the Dark Brotherhood [1] was responsible for the death of Steve Jobs. But who would want him dead? Maybe Fat-Beard Steve Wozniak payed the Dark Brotherhood to do the job so he could advance within the company, or Bill Gates wanting to get rid of his old rival. It is believe that they both wanted him gone so they met with the Dark Brotherhood on October 3, in Palo Alto, California. They split the bill and left their ways. The assassin sneaked into the home of Jobs and slipped Nirnroot[2] into Steve's drink, and then he cast an invisibility spell and wasn't caught. The Nirnroot caused Jobs to lose consciousness on October 4, and he died the next day on October 5 with his wife, children, and sister at his side.

“I would have killed the bastard myself!”
~ Bill Gates upon being informed of the Conspiracy
“You dumb piece of shit, I don't even play Skyrim!”
~ Steve Wozniak upon being informed of the Conspiracy
“Your'e damn right.”
~ The Dark Brotherhood upon being informed of the Conspiracy

It is believed that Fat-Beard Wozniak killed the Dark Brotherhood assassin to tie up loose ends.

edit The Santa Claus theory

It was cheaper for Santa Claus to have his slave elves make simpler gifts but with children asking for Iphones it made Santa lose profits and Santa loves his profits so he got royally pissed off. Mrs. Claus made her special "cookies". They're not really cookies but actually pills, that were designed to kill someone in 284 days, and make them lose consciousness the day before. On Christmas nigh when Santa was in the house of Steve Jobs he managed to push the pill into Steve's throat without waking him up. The only reason Santa had time to do this was because he got to skip an extra country this year because of the dwindling number of Christians.

“Reindeer Shit!”
~ Santa Claus upon being informed of the conspiracy
“But I actually put cyanide in my special cookies, deary.”
~ Mrs. Claus upon being informed of the conspiracy
“I didn't want to do it, I didn't have a choice, God please forgive me.”
~ Escaped slave elf that was an accomplice

edit References

  1. as you may know of from Skyrim, Oblivion
  2. a plant found in Skyrim, Oblivion
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