Steve Ballmer

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Whilst on the surface, Steve Ballmer may appear to be a dancing, mentally deficient,

chair-throwing psychopath, the truth is far more sinister.



Steve was seeded from genetic material harvested from Adolf Hitler and other prominent homosexual Nazis by a coalition of alien bureaucrats for the purpose of advancing their totalitarian agenda on Earth. The Ballmer body serves as host to an alien symbiote called Bill and a famous picture, widely distributed on the internet shows the Ballmer body holding open his entrance ready to receive the glory of his master and an extra helping of Cream of Wheat.

#include <stdio.h>

 int main()
     return 0; /* success (never reached) */
--Steve Ballmer on The Meaning of Life

Recent Events

Steve-Balmer attack bloody

Steve Ballmer after feeding.

In the past year, Ballmer has vowed to "fucking kill" over twelve million people, places, and things - many of which are not technically alive. On very rare occasions, Steve Ballmer will attempt to "fucking kill" a verb. Much to the surprise of the general population, he has actually succeeded in fucking killing nearly half of them, including several inanimate objects and abstract concepts. Studies at Cambridge University dictates that "Being Fucking Murdered By Steve Ballmer" has become the second most common cause of death in the United States. Ballmer has vowed to "fucking kill" the first most common cause of death. In all honesty, he is currently filling in for "death" himself.

He has also been awarded an AOE.

What To Do If Steve Ballmer Has Vowed To Fucking Kill™ You

Gates ballmer

Steve Ballmer vows to Fucking Kill™ Oscar Wilde. Puppetmaster Gates looks on approvingly.

Resistance is futile. Your only hope in this case is to keep moving. Ballmer does not always Fucking Kill™ things in any particular order, so if you stay out of his way he may not actually hunt you down for real- after all, at any given moment there are at least three other things within his line of sight that he has vowed to Fucking Kill™. Above all, DO NOT attempt to fight back. He's going to fucking bury you, he has done it before, and he will do it again. For the love of God, just run. Your only hope is to direct him towards someone (or something) else he has vowed to Fucking Kill™ and then run while he's Fucking Kill™ing that poor unfortunate person (or object).

Steve Ballmers are people too!


       ~$ cd /usr/bin
/usr/bin$ sudo ln sudo fucking
/usr/bin$ fucking ln gdm google
/usr/bin$ fucking killall google

--Steve Ballmer on GNU/Linux

When he is not busy Fucking Kill™ing google, Steve attends daily anger justification classes with his PR agent. He has learned how to deal with his angry outbursts with phrases such as "That's not what I said," "You obviously don't understand what I meant," "This is obviously an attempt by partisan fanatics and the sensationalist media to mar my reputation," "I have never, honestly, thrown a chair in my life," and "Look! Steve Jobs said 'ass'!" On a good day you will see him on Microsoft campus polishing up on his monkey dance.

Steve Ballmer is also popular for being the only human who has managed to escape from the deadly Gondola Of Death.

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