Sterling Morton

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“I was just a young man when I met Morton, but it was soon obvious that he would grow up to do great things.... for a Congressman, that is...”

~ Pierre Pred'udice on Morton

Sterling Morton was a man of impeccable character and known to many to be the most important man to come out of Adams, New York. His parents were Mr. Rocky Morton and Mrs. Bul Liwinkle Morton. He eventually grew up to become Lord Protector of Nebraska, but soon left to become a politician in the lower of the two houses of Congress, The House of Obesity. From here, he advanced to the next level of his political career, and wrote about corn, or some such nonsense, for President Grover Cleveland "McStrudelmier".

Contents 1 Early Life 2 Political Career 2.1 Nebraska Politics 2.2 Secretary of Agriculture 3 His Legacy

[edit] Early Life

Morton was born and raised in 1832 in the small town of Adams, New York. He went to school at New York Central School, and was teased because his town sounded like a persons name. After weeks of the harassment, Sterling beat one of the children to death with the metal crossbar on the school desks. After killing a small child, he was forced to move to Detroit, and he was assigned to a therapist who suggested he take up ballet to relieve his anger. In Detroit his parents worked hard at low paying jobs in large factories that seemed to only produce smog and sludge. Because of their low income, they were forced to live in a house with only two rooms, the bedroom and the bathroom. After years of scraping together money, and gum off the streets, his parents were able to afford for him to go to the University of Michigan. He originally wanted to be a professional ballet dancer, but his father said that with the money they had saved, he was going to do something that mattered in the world. His mother locked herself in the bedroom, and his father was forced to sleep in the bathroom for weeks. His father finally agreed to shell out the money for the boys education in whatever subject Sterling would decide on. His father was hoping he would choose to be a doctor, and his mother hoped he would follow his dreams to the grand ballet theatre. He was too traumatized by his fathers action before to go after ballet again. Instead, he disappointed both his parents and became a Congressman.

[edit] Political Career

[edit] Nebraska Politics

Morton married his bride (Jane Doe) in Nebraska and they ran through the corn at the end of the ceremony and were lost for three years. Eventually, they found their way back, and he was rewarded by being appointed Secretary of Nebraska. Soon it was realized that he was only 24 and just looked 57, but the laws were clear that he was to hold the office for the rest of his life. He spent his early days on public works such as ballet theaters, therapy centers for disturbed children, and underground vaults to hide the secret gold of the Nebrasken Dwarves. Due to these improvements, Nebraska became an overwhelmingly wealthy state, and Sterling was finally accepted by the community. But good times are ruined by evil crime syndicates, and it wasn't long before Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Alexander Hamilton, and Ghandi (called the Triune) planned to depose of Sterling and gain Nebraska for themselves to use as a secret hideout and as a way to gain large amounts of profit. They established a base within the cornfields to attack from, but Morton called upon his genus and lit the corn on fire. By defeating the Triune, the Nebraskens made him Lord Protector of Nebraska. He remained at this post for two years (which made him look about ten years older) and built up the Sovereign Nebrasken Army, which he was secretly planning to use to invade New York and seek revenge on all those who had wronged him. Luckily, President Grover Cleveland "McStrudelmier" saw the threat and made him the Secretary of Agriculture in the US Congress to keep a close eye on him.

[edit] Secretary of Agriculture

As the secretary of Agriculture, Morton managed to due many important things. The few we remember of these have something to due with teaching people how to correctly boil down trees to make bourbon. This led to him being classified as a Bourbon Democrat (his emblem was a drunken donkey). The people, unfortunately, were in the middle of the Prohibition and federal troops quickly arrested them. Morton believed this problem to be a set-up by President Cleveland to make him less popular among his people, but could never prove it. The next day, Morton's parents were viciously attacked by an angry rabble and his mother was killed. Morton was ashamed, and went forth from his home into the corn to hang himself from the tallest tree. After hours of not being able to find a tree, he returned to Congress to proclaim Arbor Day. This day consisted of people across America planting trees (usually improperly) in their backyards so that desperate people (such as Morton) could go forth and hang themselves. He promptly did this after a the trees grew tall enough to do so (about 50 years). While waiting he wrote the Illustrated History of Nebraska, which is also known as 1000 Pictures of Corn and Some Text. After finishing his life's work, Morton was visited by his father who told him that he forgave him for his mothers death. Morton, quick as ever to anger, killed his father with a copy of his book. Morton was aghast at what he had just done, and decided he would finally carry through on his suicidal ideas. He grabbed a belt from his dead father, and hung himself from the tree he had planted. he was 54 (looked 234) when he died.

[edit] His Legacy

Morton can still be remembered today in parts of America inhabited by people who love either trees, bourbon, ballet, corn, bourbon, Nebraska, Congressmen, bourbon, or any combination of the preceding. A statue was to be built to Morton made out of pure gold, but was downgraded to bronze, and eventually to used Plutonium. The statue depicted Morton as they found him, hanging from a tree with the words "If only there were more trees." written on his left shoe. It is still widely debated whether he, or one of the still embittered people wrote the phrase on his shoe. Morton is also remembered by the Morton Beltway, a one mile stretch from which you can see his mansion, which has become overrun by trees. it was only after they had signed the documents that stated it would never be changed, that it was revealed that it was named the Morton Beltway as an implied joke about the manner in which he killed himself. He also has a Middle School named after him and magnets. It is called the Sterling Morton Magnet Middle School for the Mentally Deranged Arts. It specializes in ballet, but has been declining as of late in attendance. To bolster the attendance, they included a science program based on magnetic forces. His son, Billy-Bob-Jesus Morton, soon opened a factory that sold bandages with salt inside instead of the normal disinfectant. The screams of pain as people put these bandages over open wounds could be heard across the world. His son was soon captured and imprisoned, before being lynched (quite ironically) on the same tree his father was.