From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“He hurt my feelings. :'(”
“I have never read a book by Stephen King, but I love him because he hurt Stephenie Meyer, whom I hate.”
“PLEASE buy this book!... I wrote "It!"”
“Oh, you're reading a Stephen King book! Is it about scary shit in Maine?”
“He seemed better when he was on drugs all the time.”
“I'M HIS NUMBER ONE FAN!!! And I found his house on Google Earth!”
Stephen King is the world-famous author of over 50 novels ranging from non-fiction to fiction, mostly horror and all of which, to those readers who are particularly observant, are exactly the same, with a few minor variations in the names of characters and the size of the monster's fangs. His books are widely critically acclaimed, even though no book critic has ever actually finished a Stephen King novel. "This book was so damn long," said one critic in a review of Stephen King's most famous book, It, "I actually quit after the first few chapters. But I assumed, since Stephen King is famous, that the book was automatically good, and gave it five stars anyway." This is how Stephen King earns most of his positive reviews.
Steven King was born in Portland, Maine, on September 21 1947. As a child, King witnessed his best friend being run over by a train, an incident that his mother describes: 'Yeah, Stephen came home and was speechless. We would ask him "What's wrong?" But he wouldn't reply. It wasn't until later that we found out that he had witnessed his best friend getting struck and killed by a train.' This incident may have led to some of King's darker, more disturbing books that he wrote later in life, though he himself dismisses the idea.
King attended some small school in Maine that nobody has ever heard of, or cared about. Very few people know, however, how deeply tragic his life really was. In a recent interview with Oprah, he revealed how he had dreams as a child that were tragically shattered: "When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. I...*sniff*...wanted to work in a gas station. I wanted to spend 55 years working for a miserably low wage, and then get fired two days before retiring. I wanted to be...*sniff*...a mediocrity...and look at me now! I'm a millionaire! I'm forced to spend every day of my life lounging around on couches and writing once every eight months! It's miserable!" King never achieved his dream of filling gas tanks day after day - instead, he got stuck as a millionaire, writing whatever he wanted and getting paid for it, as he spends his days singing caramelldansen. Life truly is tragic.
All of Steven King's books are essentially exactly the same. In every book, there are usually only about ten total pages of scary content out of about 3,000. The rest of the book is composed of filler, in which he typically spends 300 to 400 pages meticulously introducing every single character, even if the character doesn't matter at all because they die three seconds after they are introduced. His books are, however, ideal to make films out of, because every one of his books includes at least one eight-page description of someone's internal organs bursting, something American cinema fans rather enjoy.
His first book was "Carrie," a paranormal thriller. It was a major hit, but his follow-up novel, Salem's Lot, a chilling tale about vampires, was even more of a hit. Shortly after authoring this tale, King's mother died of uterine cancer. At her funeral, King read her eulogy. .
Shortly after his mother's death, King announced that he would take his writing in a new direction. His new book, It, was vastly different from his previous works; it emphasized a killer clown and was a behemoth of over 1,000 pages. The book was a major hit.
After It King decided to take his writing in another new direction with a series of books called The Gunslinger's Tower . They are a smash series of 7 books starting with Book 1:Gunslinger, a 357 page character description, and ending with Book 7, the dark tower. No mere mortal has yet to finish the series. Despite being completely unrelated to each other, the series has become a mass hit, selling around 700 copies worldwide.
Another hit of his is his novel 'The Stand' which is considered by his fans his best novel - and at one thousand three hundred pages, they had better be right.
His books include:
- sh-It - a 477 page prologue
- The Ultimate Scary Book: IF THIS THING DOESN'T SCARE YOU, NOTHING WILL! (Never)
- Not scared yet? Let's try again.....Boo!
- Boo! Scared yet?
- The Sit (2023)
- Parking Lot
- Tricycle of a Werewolf
- Needless Things
- Nothing's Eventual
- Pretty Pink Princess and the Golden Unicorn(2010)
- Another book about trucks taking over caused by green gas (2010)
- Breaking Wind (2009)
- Yet another scary incident taking place in Maine (2008)
- A scary incident taking place in Maine (2007)
- I'm trapped in Maine (2005)
- The wonders of the copy & paste function (2003)
- No seriously. This shit will trip you out, son! (2002)
- Yet another scary book by me (2001)
- Another scary book by me (2000)
- A scary book by me (1998)
- Carrying a shining story in Salem's Lot and a Cell in Duma Key where Firestarters and crazy dogs like Cujo live who take Long Walks every day and bite Running Men is like trying to live Under a Dome with It (1995)
- I ate another banana!
- Oh my God I just ate a banana (TBA)
- The Seeing; or, The Seaing
- The Dark Mower: Part One, The gunslinger had a lawnmower.
- The Dark Mower: Part Two, Wait a minute. Are gunslingers supposed to have lawnmowers?
- The Dark Mower: Part Three, Apparently they do.
- The Dark Mower: Part Four, Isn't this getting way more longer than The Lord of the Rings?
- The Dark Mower: Part Five, I'm getting tired. And who wouldn't, after writing five bad books?
- The Dark Mower: Part Six, Thank God, only one more bad book is left, then I'm switchin' back to worse books, fellas!
- The Dark Mower: Part Seven, IT. IS. OVER. THE. EPIC. OF. THE. LAWNMOWER. IS. FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- The Dark Mower: Part Eight, Oh man! Does this thing really need another book? Hey, I thought it was OVER!!!!!! CURSES, CURSES, CURSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- The Booga-Booga Tower: Part Nine, Hey look! Now I've changed the title of the series too!
- Dr. SLeepy:Cuz imma sleepy ass mothafucka and this is a sequal to the shitty (2013)
However, as King's career moved on, his creativity began to linger. In an interview in which he seemed deeply saddened, King said, "I've killed the entire population of every single Maine town at least once, I've written so many books. As a matter of fact, if you look at my works as a whole, you'll realize that more people have died in total in my books than the population of Maine." This continuity issue was not the only issue facing King. He also had to deal with the fact that he was simply running out of ideas for monsters. At the beginning of his career, his stories were populated by chainsaw-weilding maniacs, giant spiders, psychotic clowns, and zombies. In contrast, his most recent books were about evil cell phones and people who paint other people to death. And if you thought that was absurd, wait till you read the book he's publishing next year, "Attack of the Laundry Basket from Hell." King has considered retiring, but every time he mentions this to his producer, the producer doubles King's pay for his next book, and King is suddenly inspired with a new idea.