Stephen King
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“He hurt my feelings. :'(”
~ Stephenie Meyer on Stephen King
Stephen King is hidden somewhere in this picture.
Stephen King is the world-famous author of over 50 novels ranging from non-fiction to fiction, mostly horror and all of which, to those readers who are particularly observant, are exactly the same, with a few minor variations in the names of characters and the size of the monster's fangs. His books are widely critically acclaimed, even though no book critic has ever actually finished a Stephen King novel. "This book was so damn long," said one critic in a review of Stephen King's most famous book, It, "I actually quit after the first few chapters. But I assumed, since Stephen King is famous, that the book was automatically good, and gave it five stars anyway." This is how Stephen King earns most of his positive reviews.
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[edit] Early Life
Steven King was born in Portland, Maine, on September 21 1334 (this is according to the Maine calendar, in which years are based not on the birth of Christ, but on the birth of Frederick, a large lobster captured in the state early in its history). As a child, King witnessed his best friend being run over by a train, an incident that his mother describes: "Yeah, Stephen came home and said 'My best friend just got squashed by a train. I was like, 'Oh, Steven, you must be so upset!' and he was like, 'No, it was actually kind of cool.'" This incident may have led to some of King's darker, more disturbing books that he wrote later in life, though he himself dismisses the idea: "I don't write these books because of some traumatizing event I witnesses as a kid. I write them because I'm a fucking lunatic. Being run over by a train? Everyone experiences that in their life. DUH!!!"
King attended some small school in Maine that nobody has ever heard of, or cared about. Very few people know, however, how deeply tragic his life really was. In a recent interview with Oprah, he revealed how he had dreams as a child that were tragically shattered: "When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. I...*sniff*...wanted to work in a gas station. I wanted to spend 55 years working for a miserably low wage, and then get fired two days before retiring. I wanted to be...*sniff*...a mediocrity...and look at me now! I'm a millionaire! I'm forced to spend every day of my life lounging around on couches and writing once every eight months! It's miserable!" King never achieved his dream of filling gas tanks day after day - instead, he got stuck as a millionaire, writing whatever he wanted and getting paid for it. as he spends his days singing carlamal dasen. Life truly is tragic.
[edit] Books
All of Steven King's books are essentially exactly the same. In every book, there are usually only about ten total pages of scary content out of about 3,000. The rest of the book is composed of filler, in which he typically spends 300 to 400 pages meticulously introducing every single character, even if the character doesn't matter at all because they die three seconds after they are introduced. His books are, however, ideal to make films out of, because every one of his books includes at least one eight-page description of someone's internal organs bursting, something American cinema fans rather enjoy.
His first book was Carrie, a story about a bunch of people dying in disgusting ways. It was a major hit, but his follow-up novel, Salem's Lot, a chilling tale about a bunch of people dying in nasty ways, was even more of a hit. Shortly after authoring this tale, King's mother died of uterine cancer. At her funeral, King expressed his regret that his mother hadn't died in a more interesting way.
Shortly after his mother's death, King announced that he would take his writing in a new direction, and he did so. His new book, It, was vastly different from his previous works; the front cover was a different color, AND it had a clown in it. The book was a major hit.
It's complex structure has often been compared and revered to a greater extent than the classic novels of Wuthering Heights and Dracula because of its carefully concise narrative structure and well thought out changes in time narrative. This is alluded to in one particular scene of the novel, when Henry Bowers and Ben Hanscom attend a creative writing session by Lake Geneva with Emily Bronte and Lord Byron. It is during this period that Pennywise expresses his angst at his unfathomable writer's block and just like Stephen King has to turn to hardcore narcotics in order to write with true passion.
After It King decided to take his writing in another new direction with a sieries of books called The Gunslinger's Tower . They are a smash series of 7 books starting with Book 1:Gunslinger, a 357 page character description, and ending with Book 7, the dark tower. No mere mortal has yet to finish the series. Despite being completely unrelated to each other, the series has become a mass hit, selling around 700 copies worldwide.
Another hit of his is his novel 'The Stand' which is considered by his fans his best novel - and at one thousand three hundred pages, they had better be right.
[edit] Bibliography
His books include:
- Breaking Wind (2009)
- The spookiness of a TV (1339)
- I'm trapped in Maine (2005)
- The wonders of the copy & paste function (2003)
- No seriously. This shit will trip you out, son! (2002)
- Yet another scary book by me (2001)
- Another scary book by me (2000)
- A scary book by me (1998)
- Carrie's shining story in Salem's Lot and Cell in Duma Key of Firestarters with Cujo long walking & Running men as Blaze Lisey's it (1995)
- The Bible (TBA)
- Oh Shit, I fucked another banana!
- Oh my God I just fucked a banana (TBA)
- See you next Tuesday! (Toodle pip!)
- "The Dark Toger: Part One, is that cheese on my nob?
- The Dark Toger; Part Two, wonder if anyone really likes my books?
- The Dark Toger: Part Three, oh wait they do apparently
- The Dark Toger: Part Four, this is way longer than the lord the rings isn't it?
- The Dark Toger: Part Five, oh thank god only two more books to go after this one before i start writing good books again!
- The Dark Toger: Part Six, just a re-cap of the story so far guys :)
- The Dark Toger: Part Seven: thank jesus its over now!
- At (1674)
- The girl who loved jesus, and other tragedies (Bc.409)
[edit] Creative Decline
However, as King's career moved on, his creativity began to linger. In an interview in which he seemed deeply saddened, King said, "I've killed the entire population of every single Maine town at least once, I've written so many books. As a matter of fact, if you look at my works as a whole, you'll realize that more people have died in total in my books than the population of Maine." This continuity issue was not the only issue facing King. He also had to deal with the fact that he was simply running out of ideas for monsters. At the beginning of his career, his stories were populated by chainsaw-weilding maniacs, giant spiders, psychotic clowns, and zombies. In contrast, his most recent books were about evil cell phones and people who paint other people to death. Seriously. Evil phones. And if you thought that was absurd, wait till you read the books he's publishing next year, "Attack of the Laundry Basket from Hell." and "Sugar cubes of death" King has considered retiring, but every time he mentions this to his producer, the producer doubles King's pay for his next book, and King is suddenly inspired with a new idea. His latest idea is about a town where an invisible force field comes and seems then all in a dome shape glss invisible jar thing. SIMPOSONS MOVIE ANYONE!!!!
[edit] Artistic Impact on other writers
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[edit] Impact on tourism in Maine
Since Stephen King is in fact the only famous person to ever come from the state of L.L. Bean Maine, he has attracted a fair amount of tourism to the state with his several billion books and short stories, all of which take place somewhere in the state. Many young people who have grown bored with common, middle-class American existence come to the state seeking thrills. "This state won't be anything like New Hampshire," said one excited teen as he crossed the border into Maine, "I mean, look at the way Stephen King describes it! There are murders, evil toaster ovens, fires, maniacs, and all sorts of other interesting things all over the place in this state! I can't wait!" The majority of these tourists, however, are hugely disappointed when they arrive in Maine and realize that it's just as boring as every other state, it's just snowier and has a terrible drink called Moxie. The majority of tourists leave five seconds after crossing the border, hugely disappointed. That is, except for the small percentage of tourists who actually get eaten by large, fanged creatures who emerge from the forests late at night to suck their brains out and rip out their spleens.
