Stephen Hawking ran over my cat

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Stephen Hawking: Professor, theoretical physicist, and author.


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It's true! Why do people always laugh at me when I tell them? Stop laughing, dammit! I'm serious. Deadly serious. It was a tabby named Whiskers. I named it that because it had whiskers. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

Yes, the guy you're thinking of is the very same guy that I'm talking about. This isn't all that complicated. The genius guy. Yes, that's the one. I'm still shocked myself. Surprised even. My cat, needless to say, was flabbergasted at the time. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

My neighbour saw it. Ask him! He's in the house that's beside my house. No, the other one. He knows. Swear to God. Just ask him and he'll tell you what he saw. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

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Stephen Hawking: Theoretical physicist, author and runner-over of cats.

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What? My neighbour denies that he saw anything? Are you sure? Damnit, Stephen Friggin' Hawking must've got to him. It did happen, I tell ya'. Did! I don't care that my neighbour denies everything. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

Yes, we're talking about the same guy. Genius. Wrote a book on something. Something smart. Big head. Sits in a chair all the damn time. Yes, a chair with wheels, damnit. What other kind of chair could possibly run over an entire cat? Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

He didn't have to circle around to do it again. That's just evil. Whiskers never had a chance. Plus there's no way I'll be able to get the tire marks off the chesterfield. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat.

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Stephen Hawking: Author, runner-over of cats and leaver of obscene messages on answering machines.

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This is what I get for having a phone. I'm afraid to go near it, now that it's been infected by his disgusting message. Stephen Hawking left an obscene message on my answering machine.

He did! Why would I make something like that up? I have proof. C'mon, I'll show you. I haven't erased it yet. Stephen Hawking left an obscene message on my answering machine.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but if you leave your name and the time you called after the beep I'll be sure to get back to you real soon. Oh, and leave your phone numBEEP!... SCREENCHIRMmmmNGRP...IBBLEEEN!

See? Proof, right there. Stephen Hawking left an obscene message on my answering machine.

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Stephen Hawking: Runner-over of cats, leaver of obscene messages on answering machines and mangler of autographed pictures of Salma Hayek.

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That bastard! I spent almost eight dollars on eBay to get that picture. Eight dollars American! That's, like...carry the one...tenteen Canadian dollars! I am friggin' outraged. Stephen Hawking mangled my autographed picture of Salma Hayek.

He's sick, I tell you! Sick! What kind of a chair-driving supergenius defaces a picture of the luscious Salma Hayek? Why, he ruined the whole damn Salma Hayek shrine that I made in the corner of my garage! Look, he scribbled a unibrow on my beloved, delicious Salma Hayek...and he broke all of the candles in half. What a dick! Stephen Hawking mangled my autographed picture of Salma Hayek.

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I'll get you, Stephen Hawking! If it's the last thing I do, I'll get you!

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