Stephen Hawking
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Prof. Microsoft Window's Stephen Hawking System II is a mobile human android, scientist, thermistor, dictionary, personal computer, super computer and weapon of mass destruction (All though he denies it) who is technically dead. Though he has sustained what he calls "Life" through the blasphemous means of computer aided technology, self built machinery, and a text-to-speech communication system, he is bound to live his immortal existence in a mobile chair. He is better known for his "brilliant" theories on Black Holes, Paris Hilton, Nuclear Technology, and how to achieve immortality; The first two of which won him the Nobel Piece Prize. He is the co-owner (along with Bill Gates) and patented creator of the New Microsoft Windows Immortal Life System, which Hawking has sustained existence through.
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[edit] Hawking's Early Human Life
Hawking was born on January 13th of 1942; a Friday. His traumatic birth caused numerous fractures to the spine, and bruising in the brain. The delivery doctors were rushed with the procedure, causing young Stephen to suffer four falls to the floor; all in which he landed on his head; causing even more problems. However, despite his problematic and near-fatal birth, Hawking lived.
Though the spinal injures caused the crumpled young Hawking to be confined in a wheel chair, he kept a positive mind set, and set out to live life to the fullest a paraplegic can. While he was definitely not a normal young boy, he tried to act as if he was. He failed miserably whenever he tried this, leading to humility and embarrassment.
He was an A+ student all throughout his school years. He graduated from Cambridge with degree in celebrity life, and went on to design computers and other nerdy things that had no relation to his degree.
[edit] Hawking's Early Android Life
On his 20th Birthday, Hawking was struck mute after being hit by a 18-wheeler. He also suffered minor brain damage, leading to a lack of control over his mouth muscles, causing excessive drooling problems. He survived, but the doctors gave him a mere 5 weeks to live. Hawking began to develop a software program which he would sustain life from. Using a Beta version to work with over time, Hawking developed a fully functioning human body override system. This lead to his findings on immortality. After finalizing a beta program for daily use, along with a text-to-speech synthesizer voice chip, Hawking set out on a mission to prove the world wrong.
After meeting with fellow Geek Bill Gates and discussing the overall proposal of Microsoft releasing his immortal software, Hawking determined that running his program on Windows 2000 was way to tricky for the common shmoe. Thus, Hawking decided to wait for a more elite software to be created.
[edit] Cambridge Theory Professor
Hawking accepted a job as Adv.Theory & Knowledge Professor at his old school. Hawking was astounded when he realized that he had the power to alter his student's beliefs, hopes, lives, and minds. He used the job as a brainwarshing utility. Such lectures were normal in his class:
- "The Theory on Why I'm Living Still"
- "The Theory on Why God isn't Real"
- "The Theory on Why Santa isn't Real"
- "The Theory on How Paris Hilton Sees Unicorns"
- "The Theory on Black Hole Armageddon"
- "The Theory on Why Barrack Obama still hasn't changed anything"
- "The Theory on Why Old People Smell"
- "The Theory on Why Milk Expires"
- "The Theory on Why I spent last night with Your Mom"
- "The Theory on How I can save money on car insurance by switching to Geicho"
[edit] Immortal Life System & The Nerd World Order
After Microsoft released Windows Vista, Hawking saw potential in revisiting his immortal software. He fixed all the patches in his beta edition, and allowed Bill Gates to try it out. It was declared a success. Bill and Stephen decided that if they were going to sell the key to immortality, they would only do so by creating a organization to keep rule. The Nerd World Order was founded by Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking to keep immortality under wraps. They devised a way to take control of the world population through the use of the new software an windows vista.
After fixing the bugs, they began to accept pre-orders. The software was placed on back-order through the pre-orders alone. It was to be released simaltaniusly Microsoft Office 2009, Microsoft Virus-Maker 2009, Microsoft Paint 2009: Reloaded, Microsoft Hacker 2009, and Microsoft Motherboard Destroyer 2009. But an unpredictable tragedy ruined the project's reliability status for good.
[edit] Death, The Hawking System II, & Reanimation
During a Rich Nerds Banquet party, Hawking and some of his buddies decided to get stoned. While under the influence, good friend Alfred Einstein, great grandson of Albert, decided to replace Hawking's Software disc with a copy of Windows B.C.. This resulted in Hawking's life support to crash, due to the lack of controlled programing. After a number of attempts to reboot Hawking, it was declared a lost cause. Stephen Hawking had fatally crashed due to software complications, resulting in vista to issue the blue screen of death.
His good friend Bill Gates wasn't satisfied, and knew that all he needed was a re-booting software.
After consulting Stan Lee on a design concept originally known as a "Doom-bot", he decided to build a newer version of the old Hawking program. The Hawking System 2 runs on Microsoft Windows Vista X, an exclusive version, which lacks the problems the other versions have. It requires only the head of the individual using the system to work. After severing his friend's head, Bill reattached it to the mechanical body; Thus, Bill gates helped Stephen Hawking re-rise from the grave to live again. The new android body was highly reliable and could work properly on it's own; as well as cause everyone around him to run in panic, shouting "The Decepticons are here! Were all gonna die!" The system is currently running Mr. Hawking to this very day.
[edit] See also
- A brief history of bullshit
- Mad Science
- Stephen Hawking ran over my cat
- Windows vista
- Robot
- Computer
- Bill Gates
- Nerd World Order
- Cyborg
Barmy British Stuff 
