Stephen Hawking
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“Push me, and then just touch me, till I can get my, satisfaction.”
~ Stephen Hawking's song on his greatest orgasm. It was really quite a hit.
Stephen blind ass!!! 'Bootylicious' Hawkingversion 1.2 is a mobile android, scientist, inventor of gravity, air, life itself, and the jaccuzzi tub, member of the International BAMF Society, robotic ninja assassin, mayor of Vancouver, and wheelchair-bound spec ops sniper, was the lead singer and cowbell player for Culture Club and the author of various bestselling books on pop culture including the timeless classics "One Star, Two Star, Red Dwarf, Blue Supergiant"; "The Universe in a Brown Paper Bag" and "Dark Energy, Once You go Black You Never go Back". In 1991 he was voted both "World's Sexiest Cyborg" and "Master of the Universe" by his colleagues at the Institute of Astute Astrophysicist Bastards (IAAB), Vermont. Stephen Hawking is currently at number one on The Paedo Charts.
Despite his legitimate need for wheelchair, when pushed for an honest opinion most people just think he's lazy.
Dr. Hawking spent his best days in the basements and cellars of Oxford University in Iran, nourishing himself with a new device that allows him to dig miles into the Earth towards the core. Stephen Hawking runs on Windows 3000 (invented just for him by old colleague Bill Gates), and had a record-breaking uptime of 4,954,122 hours, 54 minutes, and 10 seconds during the BSOD era. He had only been hacked once, by a retarded child who existed in Christopher Walken's imagination. It turned out that the hacker had used a backdoor (not to be confused with Bill Clinton's "Back Door" policy) password ("astro-fag"), left in by the original programmer, Gary "Fuckwad" Anderson.
Hawking is also the creator and master of the evil Dalek race... This was before he lost his voice due to an incodent involving swallowing. He also decided to stop walking around the same time. He holds the copyright under his pseudonym Dave Ross.
Chairmaster Hawking runs on Duracell Energizer batteries and human shit, which is why he is so clever. He was one of the gayest students at Oxford. Every year they would hold contests at the Oxford University, and when Stephen became 20 he decided it was time to ejaculate. He reached the final and was expected to win but was defeated by another student called Robert Mugabe. The reason he lost had much to do with the fact that his physics engine wasn't up to date. Mugabe was later found inside out with a cross-section model of Jupiter rammed up his ass.
Stephen's other bitter rivalry with Bill Gates began over a pan of "special brownies" they made in their college dorm. Bill reacted badly to the brownies and violently attacked Stephen, threatening to fucking kill him, leaving him limping and brownie-less (this would be made worse by an incident the following year). Until this day Stephen has been plotting to get revenge by what he calls "...taking that bastard's retainer".
Another connection between Hawking and Bill Gates is that they have both had access to part of Chocotopia at some point in time. Currently, there is a small piece of it stuck in Hawking's teeth, which are very rotten.
Stephen Hawking broke the record of "Sitting down for the longest time" and is the fourth fastest cripple in the world(at crawling).
He was once almost forced to create a drill large enough for the entire planet in 2010 by George W. Bush's Do Over Act. He was instead able to convince Congress to purchase mass quantities of the calendars he sold on eBay.
[edit] A Brief History of Stephen Hawking (A.K.A. Hawk dogga)
Stephen Hawking is delightfully handicapped! At age of 19, he became wheelchair-bound after an unfortunate frat initiation accident resulted in his being thrown off a cliff, lit on fire, and mauled by tigers. After the ritual, a microwave dropped by God fell from the sky onto Hawking's legs, effectively crippling him. All this time God was laughing, and Stephen vowed for war. Stephen got God back by disproving His existence, and they now watch football together every couple Monday nights.
He has also been married twice (WTF - twice?! HOW?) and has three kids (ALSO-HOW?).
Stephen Hawking is rumored to have defeated the dinosaurs. He denies this, however, claiming that it was Jesus who defeated the dinosaurs, and all he did was permit Jesus to stand on his shoulders to reach a particularly stubborn pterodactyl. Unfortunately, Jesus left muddy footprints on the shoulders of his jacket--which was dry clean only--which ended their long friendship. Embittered by these events, Hawking became an atheist, and has since used his position as a gangsta rapper to release numerous disses against Jesus. Jesus responded by teaming up with MC Hammer to produce his own diss on Hawking, but due to the non-linear nature of time, the album ended up with a release date in the late 1600s, and quickly fell out of popularity almost 400 years before it was composed.
When he became 21, Stephen sought for people that were in the same position as him. Which means people that like him are bright but feel unrewarded because they never were able to win at any price. He found some 'soul mates' in Richard Humming, Sander Clops and John Johnston. Together they started an underground organization called 'Scientists In Negotiation' (SIN). They were widely regarded by the church (see child molestation) as sinners and homo-fags (see Pope Benedict XVI). In defense, they all wrote papers that showed conclusive scientific evidence that the Catholic Church is full of shit. Since SIN was doing so well, other scientists like Isaac Newton, Ballsaac Newton, Bert Einstein, and Isaac's little brother Jonathansaac "Johnny-boy" Newton decided to form an anti-SIN organization also known as SININ (SIN Is Nasty). Bert's more famous brother Albert was asked to join SININ (the second one), but refused, stating "This is bullshit." (This moment was captured in the famous "raspberry" photo.) SIN (the second one) received funding from the Catholic Church, who wanted to get back at Hawking and the rest of SIN (the first one)for severely diminishing their hordes of mindless followers with evil devices such as fact and reliable evidence. This action sparked a bloody feud between SIN (the first one) and SININ (the second one), resulting in several deaths on both sides. In 1938 Johnny-boy Newton was found dead in the back of truck that was carrying manure. Twenty bullets were found spread across his body. One bullet had the form of a computer speech transmission device mounted on a wheelchair, which incriminated Hawking in the murder (it was him, anyway). Hawking was tried and arrested for the pwning of Johnny-boy Newton, but managed to escape from jail via wormhole. Hawking and the rest of SIN retreated to their super-secret base located inside a black hole. These guesses are based on the fact that Hawking is able to warp the fabric of time and space itself, thus making the base almost impenetrable.
[edit] TIMECOP
A few drunk time-travelers spilled a cup of good Long Island iced tea on Hawking's wheelchair in 1990, leading Hawking to ban time travel. He issued a law stipulating that all wormholes having light being sent back in time would start a feedback loop leading to the wormhole exploding like a bomb. The wormholes in question, however, never heard of the law, and so time-travelers kept using them. Frustrated, Hawking attempted to invent a time machine himself, but his wheelchair got in the way. So Hawking created a naked singularity, got really turned on seeing it in its nakedness, and used it as toilet paper. (Not that this has to do with anything.) None of this really worked, so in fact, Stephen Hawking built a totally awesome half-pipe in his backyard and busted some sweet tricks in front of women and men with big titties instead... and the world was eternally thankful.
[edit] Did the Big Bang really happen?
Of course it did. You wouldn't be here if your mom hadn't joined it.
[edit] Guns 'n Roses Career
Stephan hawking was a founding member of the Guns N' Roses rock band. He played the lead guitar. He quit the band because he thought he was too "good" and Slash had Slashed him with a knife which made him mad. So he used his mind to create a gravitational vortex blackhole timewarp star. Then the cops showed up and arrested him, thus ending his rockstar career until Kurt Cobain asked him to join Nirvana.
[edit] Nirvana Career
He joined Nirvana and rocked with Kurt Cobain and Dave Grohl until he fell off the stage due to gravity. This put him in his wheel chair and also ended his Nirvana career.
[edit] Life as a Quake Master
After acquiring his Masters Degree in the field of Disaster, and a PhD in Piss-talent (his thesis on the many uses of the Pressurised Wheelchair won him a Nobel Prize in the field of Torpor), Steven Hawking spent several years mastering the game of Quake and its many sequels, spin-offs, and mods. When asked about Steven Hawking, fat4l1ty said "That mother fucker h4x. I swear to God he instagibs me the millesecond I see him. Maybe even before I see him. Fucking physicists and their time travel shit..." Then he assumed the role of lead Quake playback singer. To piss at this usurper Mohd. Rafi is reputedly to have double playbacked the song 'ARRE DUNIYA JO CHAHE SAMJHE MAIN TO INSAAN HUUN' (HEY 3ARTH THINKS WHAT IT WANTS...I AM A HUUUUMAN). Standard Anglosauruses claim against these parataxes, so let us revise: Although the earth thinks what it wants, I am a human. Or, The earth thinks what it wants, but I am a human. Kinda...
[edit] Stephen Hawking's Theory
At any time, Stephen Hawking can make up a theory. He is right. If you try and discredit him, he will throw a wormhole at you or have his ninja cyborgs tape you to an asteroid.
[edit] Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2
Platform: Dreamcast
Rating: 3.1415926535897932 x 10²³³³³. Many websites gave it a rating of 4.5 moles out of 5, except for Wikipedia, who is a jackass, anyway. INTERTEMPORARILY AWESOME
Ride with the skillz of Stephen Hawking, the most recognized wheelchairing pro of all time. Or, as a better option, chair as one of 13 pros or create a character from scratch. Master signature pro moves and hundreds of new tricks including hand-stands/head spins, wheelies/bluntslides, lip tricks, nollies, manuals and more, all while moving at -9.8 m/s² (which is -32 ft/s squared for you Americans). Design your own dream park in real-time 3D, using a variety of ramps, funboxes, just-alright-boxes, time-space wormholes and rails. Multiple play modes include one-player career and free skate modes as well as two-player modes such as trick attack, graffiti, tag, and horse. Ride to a killer soundtrack of tunes featuring The Paganizer, The Cradle of Filth, The AntiChrist, Obstacle Corpse, Visceral Evisceration, and Toto.
[edit] Living on the Sun
Stephen Hawking has been quoted saying that "Man must move to the Sun in order to survive". He says that although it will not be as comfortable as earth, we are going to destroy the Earth in the next 50 minutes, because George Bush plans on A-bombing "those French-homo suckas". He advises use of the BFB (Big Fucking Bomb, name was thought of by America's lead scientist and took over 72 hours of deliberation). The dust from the explosion would block out the sun and throw the earth into a -50 C nuclear winter. This is thought to be the best countermeasure against global warming (and the French). Ever.
Stephen Hawking claims that with a little sunblock, and 15 feet of concrete, the sun can be as habitable as say, New York.
[edit] Scientific View On Panda Bears
Hawking recently formed a scientific hypothesis, which stated that wearing pandas is in fact very beneficial for humans. He proved (through a double blind "iron clad" test) that not wearing pandas is actually a very foolish thing to do.
[edit] Affairs
- Steven Hawking has been romantically linked with Henry, the hoover.
- Steven once worked as the "J" shaped block in Tetris, he then had sex with the "L" shaped block (a random prostitute) and they were both fired immediately, the blocks were then replaced by Waluigi and a random hobo (now known as Bill Gates)
[edit] Other work
In 2005 Steven Hawking released a new album Steven Hawking Unplugged - the quietist rock album in the world. In his spare time (has lots), he utilizes his vast resources to run as a Supercomputer at a speed OVER 9000 times that of the speed of light.
[edit] Retirement
October 2008 Stephen Hawking announced he's decided to retire next year. Not thinking of the vacant profession available, the psychics say the universe will be much more easily understood after his decision. He also did the speech for every TomTom satnav satalite navigation, helping you to get to where you want to faster. Steven Hawking, getting you to your destination faster.
[edit] The Cure
It has been a long time since Steve needed the wheelchair, and has been trying to find a cure for himself. Quite recently the doctors had the idea to switch his machine off and on again. Before trying it on Stevey-Boy though, they tried it on one of those people (you know, the useless ones - FAT, that's what they're called.). Sadly it didn't work.
[edit] Trivia
- Can beat Chuck Norris in a fight
- Founded Daft Punk, Techno, and music itself.
- His Wheelchair is powered by blackholes
- Can use is superior knowledge win the game
- He has four USB slots
- Uses fiber optic wire for ultra-fast broadband
- Is Wi-fi enabled
- Bluetooth
- Has a battery life of 6-8 hours
- Receives Sky+
- Is banned from PC World for undisclosed reasons
- Reads Blu-ray and HD-DVD
- Can speak in binary
- Can reach ludicrous speed in his wheelchair
- Can do Wheelies |-------------------------------| <=this big
- Has done this on his wheelchair many times in order to get sympathy from his 'carers'
- Stephen Hawking's voice can cure cancer, but cancer patients instantly die when they look at his eyes.
- He is actually a regular person, but his wheelchair has taken over
- He is the new face of Gucci.
[edit] Stephen Hawking's Theory of Nothing
The theory states that:
1. The motion of the universe is equivalent to that of a JK Flip-Flop.
2. in every bubble universe there is no humans nor aliens maybe some kind of species...
3. the fundamental building blocks of nature is called XXX...(nothing follows)
4. every bubble universe is made of anti-antimatter...
5. It is true, I cannot believe it is not butter...
6. Penguins are indeed wearing lipstick in your suitcase.
7. The only thing in the earth that has it's own gravitational pull is Michael Moore
[edit] See also
- Carreer as an actor
- Hawking radiator
- A brief history of bullshit
- Mad Science
- Stephen Essex
- The True Meaning Of Life (BOM BOM BAAAA!!!)
- Hammerspacetime
- Stephen Hawking ran over my cat
- MC Hawking's Crib
- Detailed report on Hawking's supersuit
- Stephen Hawking Hit Single, E = MC^Hawking
- Hit Single, What We Need More of Is Science
- Some of Stephen Hawking's Sex Tape
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Barmy British Stuff this is not true.
