Stegosaurus

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“A Stegosaurus walked into a bar.”
~ A joke on Stegosauruses
Stegosaurus

A modern reconstruction of what scientists imagine Stegosaurus to have looked like.

Stegosaurus was a dinosaur.

edit Appearance

Stegosaurus was bigger than your car. Imagine a larger version of your car, replace its wheels with elephantine feet, stick a head on the front and a tail on the end, and then add two rows of dinner plates along the top. Drive four stakes into the end of it, and you have yourself a crude model of what scientists imagine Stegosaurus to have looked like.

edit Brain

To give you an idea of just how blonde Stegosaurus was, consider this:

Blonde humans are capable of making mistakes like leaving their pants unbuttoned, forgetting to pay bills, and even accidentally sterilizing themselves. Stegosauruses weren't even capable of doing any of those things. That's right, Stegosaurus was so blonde it forgot to wear pants, paid twice the amount billed every month, and was born sterile. This unusually exaggerated hair color allowed Stegosauruses to engage in a lifestyle entirely uncomparable to the blondes that haven't gone extinct yet.

The brain of a blonde is about the size of a golf ball. The brain of a Stegosaurus was comparable in size to the amount of toothpaste you should be using after each meal. In fact, prehistoric toothpaste was made from Stegosaurus brains due to their minty-fresh flavor. Before the invention of toothpaste, Tyranorexiasauruses and cavemen usually ended their meals with a minty-fresh Stegosaurus brain as a breath freshener. After the invention of toothpaste, Tyranorexiasauruses still usually ended their meals with a minty-fresh Stegosaurus brain as a breath freshener, but cavemen began spitting out the brain due to a warning on the toothpaste packaging that it was harmful if swallowed.

edit Beauty

Stegosaurus hairstyles and fashions were, like, the biggest thing ever back in the 90,000,000s. Like, every dinosaur and cavegirl that was even like, remotely fashionable subscribed to like, Clammer, Cavergirl, or Clayboy. Stegosauruses completely rocked just about every page of those magazines. Like, I can't describe it or anything, but Spiny Turner had the greatest hairdo ever. Totally. I so want her hair. And, oh, my gosh. Britney Spikes. Seriously the top fashion queen ever. Oh, and Justin Timberplate. He was to die for. Just too bad he like, died before he got famous. Like, oh my gosh, he seriously like, died from getting hit in the head by a coconut. I know, right? Totally tragic and all. Oh, and I just love the sound of my voice, don't you?

edit Behavior

It was not uncommon to see naked Stegosauruses roaming the streets in the year 90,000,000. These vulgars tended to overpay their bills regularly as they were quite poor at managing financial matters. There were no successful Stegosaurus accountants in those days, and even bank-robbing Stegosauruses usually forgot to demand money while holding up banks. This made Stegosaurus holdups rather harmless, so law enforcement didn't much mind when the armored dinosaurs came in and handed over bags of cash, demanding the cash be deposited into everyone's accounts.

edit Sextinction

Stegosauruses, as previously mentioned, were all born sterile. You are probably wondering how on earth they reproduced. Well, I'll let you in on a secret: The ones that made it through childhood eventually hit puberty, at which point they lost their sterility.

Stegosaurus puberty season was an exciting season for Stegosaurus watchers. Around the fourth week of spring each year, Stegosauruses became rather horny. The plates on their backs pulsed vibrant colors, and their plumage molted, allowing them to display their mating signals in 256 colors (high color). During the rest of the year, Stegosauruses were a very boring chartreuse color, and were frequently mistaken for school zone signs by cavemen. This was probably for the better, as it meant the cavemen would slow down enough that the Stegosaurus could move out of the road in time.

Stegosauruses did not reproduce by humping each other[1]. Most Stegosauruses utilized the sperm banks at first, but the women's rights movement tipped this ratio in the opposite direction eventually in favor of egg banks. Because male Stegosauruses usually died from pregnancy complications following egg injections, natural selection eventually weeded out the blondest species ever known to roam the earth.

  1. Dinotopia mini-series, Hallmark.
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