From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Stavanger is the greatest city in all of communist Norway. People here became rich bitch when they discovered oil. The oil money was used to build a 1,6 kilometer, 1 mile, tall building to show the world that Norwegians are the leading people in everything. Of Course this is totally true. Everyone knows that the japanese always wants the über menschen, so the people from Stavanger dicided to prove them wrong. Anyways, the 1 mile building was built with absolutely nothing inside it. This was to save money, but the geniuse arcitect did not understand that the bulding would colapse if it didnt have anything on the inside. Eventually the building collapsed and killed thousands of people. But the people who were killed were tourists from northern Norway (and some Japaneese people) and therefore no one cared.
The beautiful city of Stavanger was founded by Christian Bjelland sometime around AD 1900 when he decided that he wanted to enslave the inhabitants of Vestlandet. So he did, and using his silver-tongue he actually enslaved them without using violence. Afterwards he had a video conference with Gandalf the Grey (later Gandalf the White) regarding the one ring, so that he could rule them all. Unfortunately Frodo managed to melt the ring before Bjelland could get a hold of it, and he realized that the founding of Bjellands Hermetikk was the only way to avoid rebells. It became a huge success, providing rapists and Mormons all over the world with so called "fish in oil". The success was not going to last for long though, and Bjelland had to fire all his workers. To keep the factories going he came up with the final solution, later used by the Nazis during WW2, creating concentration camps providing free labor. This was the beginning of Stavanger's golden era, and Bjelland soon became king of the Norwegian Commonwealth, including some 300 states. This fact may surprise you, but unfortunately Bjelland's success was only virtual, and achieved on the computer game Europa Universalis 3, even though it was not released before some 100 years later. Bjelland was succeeded by Jack The Ripper, introducing a new set of laws including free rape and legal murder. Jack was murdered under mysterious circumstances, creating the famous line "digging your own grave". Without a strong leader to keep Stavanger united the non-democratic democracy was thrown out in a brutal war against Østlandet (the cheese-country). Led by the hand of General Avaldsnes Gilje the forces of Stavanger were victorious, but when he had to go home for dinner Østlandet counterattacked and Gilje was literately backstabbed. The brief war lastet for 2 years ending with Stavanger's full annexation, and the country has been a part of Østlandet, later Norway, ever since. Today Østlandet is stealing Stavanger's oil resources, and the terrorist group "Milk is for butter, not cheese" are attacking Oslo, Østlandets capital, weekly. Led by General Avaldsnes Gilje's grandson, and two of Bjelland's great grandchildren the organization has some 100 000 members, decreasing by a 100 each day, due to the suicide bombers.
The Stavanger motto is known as: "mor di e mann og far din e dama".
Other famous motto's:
- "Langt å gå, fitta å få!", which means far to go, pussy fo'sho!
- "Adle ska få", which means that everyone will get something, the funnyness in this scentence depends on what everyone will get.
- "Nydas", which means that anyone in Stavanger deserves a slapping.
Propably the most famous motto is: "Javel". This simple word is the root of all shame, pride, hate, sexual attraction, and gluttony in the small center of the world known as Stavanger.
Though most people in Stavanger have this motto: "God above save us all from bad penmanship in encyclopedia articles".
Mostly all citizens are named Henning or Kenneth. The most famous name is Henning because it means "Mighty man who is always good looking even tough he looks like crap" in Norwegian. Henning Christensen was also a mayor of Stavanger and ruled over 194,56 years! Those who are named Kenneth is usually 16 meters high, 8 meters wide and weighs 12 000 tons. If you ever visit Stavanger, you should always rape and kill the one's who is named Kenneth.. It's a tradition. Oh, and always give the Henning's a free cupcake or cookie, actually just give him both!
Although Stavanger is a beautiful city, most people are ugly. This is related to the fact that Jesus, on one of his voyages, cast a spell on Stavanger because they had more fish than him.
The mayor of Stavanger is Jan Kenneth Bakke, a 18 year old genetically modified creature combining the worst features of a horse, a chicken, and a ginger human. He showers daily. In addition he, or rather, it, is one of these two alternatives: Either it is a bad writer, or an unfortunate friend of one, God have mercy on its soul, if any such exists. This genomic blend is called a Gorthammer (Norwegian: kyllinghest). The bitches of Stavanger are known for their beautiful Pepsi cans, and have tattoos advertising the drink, such as Drink Pepsi, and you'll be sexy! The population always listens to the works of Frank Zappa, the very satanistic and even more sardonic singer/guitarist from Hell City, California. They often chant hymns like "Sardines in her eyebrows, lobsters up and down her forehead" as they grapple their fishnets.
The official religion of stavanger is Hermetic, which has a seat in the beautiful Bjellands Hermetics Cathedral, lead by the king Sardine himself : Johan Sølepytt.
The sardine priests of Stavanger are known for their beautiful poetry:
Ikke noe snikk snakk!
Bjellands hermetikk takk!
~~Jorgen Bjerkson, Realm of the Heimjerks
Or at least, this is what one really spectacularly bad writer wants you to believe. The truth is in fact a lot more complicated than this. If the writer in question kindly would improve his penmanship a little, along such principles as for instance "be funny, and not stupid" - or even better,if, god help us, a good writer would take the challenge, one might learn the truth, grave as it is.
The city is currently haunted by a massive and utter existence failure with regards to public bus transport. This existence failure, in all is aspects, has ruefully been regarded by some of the more phlegmatic citizens as an actual improvement when compared to how things were when public bus transport did exist -- albeit vaguely -- along such a notion that a thing that does not exist has a more evident value than a thing which only semi-halfheartedly clings to existence, by absolutely under no circumstances adhering to timetables, times, set busroutes and to hiring obnoxious busdrivers with manners too hideous to discuss any further than this note. The reason for their bad manners are probably that they're all muslims and homosexuals. As soon as the Main Judge of Stavanger Court is back from his Spa Retreat in Raufoss, he has promised to have them all arrested and deported, for adding two misplaced and infantile sentences in a rather spiffingly wellwritten paragraph in an encyclopedia article about bussdrivers and public transport in Stavanger.
Stavanger has been portrayed in tourists pamphplets as "the city of contrasts". The text goes happily on about small wooden houses versus modern buildings and the leathery hands of local fishermen versus the suit tailored sleeves of those employed in the oil industry admninistration.
The writers of these pamphlets sort of got lost in these rather "readers digesty" contemplations, and thus they failed to mention contrasts of actual use to anyone...the most notable of which is the staggering contrast between the mood of people waiting for the bus in November rain versus the mood they have when creeping under a blanket in front of the TV at the end of any given day in November.
In order to not actually scare away the tourists, the pamphlets flatly fail to mention that apart from the trees being a little more green, there are no differences between a Stavanger November and a Stavanger July as far as weather is concerned -- the sky is still grey, it still rains, and the air still smells of sardines, or, as is quite often the case in this encyclpedia atricle, really spectacularly awfully bad writers.
Places to visit in Stavanger
Stavanger has some remarkable places to visit, in which can be of interest for astronauts, pelican hunters and hobby lobotomists. These are called "Peters Street" (in Stavangerish: "Pedersgadå"). Here you can see funny examples of how culture can be when you mix the known 235 human races together. This is also a reason why Stavanger is voted to be "The Cultural Capitol of Europe" in the year 2008. There is also an oil museum which has come under pressure recently when it did an investigation into 'how much oil it takes to kill off the wildlife around a fjord'. No other places worth mentioning, except the clubhouse for lousy writers.
Heroes of Stavanger
David Toska is the Official hero for Stavanger and famous for inventing a trial called "NOKAS-saken", regarding some smuggling of lusekofter and a brutal rape-massacre of the local villagers and cows. The raping took place April 5 2004. As a special guest star, Borats father and grandfather, Boltok "The Raptist" joined the rape. The primary rape object was Kristian Valen, and otherwise all intelligent people who can deal with a keyboard without being stupid.
The rape team
- Kong Harald V
- Preben (Tre-bein)
- Engelskmannen who throws garbage at kids (known babyrapist and boy molester)
One of the spectators of this trial was secretly shaking his head in misery of people not able to distinguish between stupidity and what is funny when writing. He has afterwards found ways to convey his emotions, by way of some mild editing.