Stargate SG-1

Boldly Going Where Only Queer Men have Gone Before
Format Sitcom
Created by Michael G. AssBolye
Starring Mean Dick Anderson
A Tomboy
Big Black Motha
The Geek
Amanda Tapmyass
Sue Ridge
(seasons 1-4)
Amanda Hugginkiss

Dick Shatterer

Amanda Mike Hunt
(seasons 8-11)
Theme music composer Genghis Khan
Eddie Van Halen
Jimi Hendrix
Opening theme "I'm an astronaut exploring Uranus",
Performed by Prince
Ending theme "Hello Darkness My Old Stinky Friend"
Country of origin USA
Language(s) American,English, Canadian, Australian, Welsh
No. of seasons Eleventeen
No. of episodes 6669 (with two specials and premature ending)
Michael G.Spot Boyle (1997–1998 and 1999–2000)
Producer(s) Barbara Blackbutt Krammer
Running time approx. 29 minutes
Parcllub Inc(1988–1997)
Cumbumbia Pictures Television (1988–1994)
MGM Studios ROOOARRRR (1998–2007)
Distributor Caps by GM
Original channel Fux Broadcasting Company
Picture format visible
Original run April 32nd 1997 – Next Week
Status Canceled after some bitch complained to the FCC about stereotyping aliens as butt-fucking monsters.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Stargate SG-1.

Stargate SG-1 is a popular sci-fi show that got the ass a long time ago. It was a TV series based on the 1994 movie Stargate which starred Kurt Russel and that guy from Boston Legal, ya know, the one that isn't William Shatner? So don't get this shit confused with Star Trek, Star Wars or Starbucks. The SG portion has caused a lot of confusion and rumors about what it stands for? Many believing it stood for "Stargate 1", which is just stupid to name a show "Stargate: Stargate 1". No, in fact, it stands for "Simon & Garfunkel 1", and not the popular belief that it stood for the Gibson model SG guitar, famously played by such rock legends as Angus Young and Jimmy Page. Some people thought it might have meant "Sugar Goat" or "Sup' Gandhi", but those three people were retarded and actually paid for and downloaded Gundam Style from Itunes just in-case they could not find a radio station that isn't playing it enough times an hour each day for their retarded satisfaction.

Premises of the GenesisEdit


Centuries ago an alien species on the planet Malmac were sent into turmoil when the malicious TV executives and producers got even more greedier than a Jewish tight ass who slips in through the rectum of a pregnant negro woman to pick the cotton off of her tampon before the negro baby gets the chance to pick it and warn the negro lady that she is in fact now up the duff! These bastards aligned themselves with the government to destroy the peoples internet and Wi-Fi, to eliminate anyone from being able to enjoy watching things on their TV that they actually enjoyed. The United Nations of their galaxy made it illegal to even own a USB device, let alone home entertainment devices that could play any sort of media at all! All movies, TV and music was streamed through broadcast syndication only, and anyone caught breaking the law was punished by having to sit through watching an entire uncut season of a show that very much resembled “Saved by the Bell”.

The madness and atrocity the governments and entertainers put on the galaxy resulted in those watching the mindless dribble of shows similar to My Kitchen Rules, Deal or No Deal & Blossom to either commit suicide, or be brainwashed into thinking that the shit they were viewing and listening to was decent entertainment, and not some tight-ass Jew mother-fuckers idea of saving money instead of investing in real entertainment. Eventually a majority of the planets DNA made them so stupid over the course of their future evolution that they turned into what would be the equivalent of spastics who think Justin Beiber doesn’t deserve to have his testicles removed by a clam-knife, and a dick the size of something the Statue of Liberty would feel like it tore her asshole open in pain, shoved down his mouth so he chokes on it and dies, while balls the size of Mars club his poofter ridden ass to death.

Backing up some more, but the one in frontEdit

However, there was a group who refused to give into the dictatorship, and decided to nuke the entire fucking planet, even if it meant taking out its own galaxy with it! Three of these men escaped using spaceships and fucked off into our galaxy and landed on Earth sometime around 800 BC, around breakfast time. They built the pyramids as landing platforms for their ships, and also built these Stargate devices so they could beam to other planets instead of having to fly their ships, because the cunt’s in the Petroleum Galaxy’s prices for fuel were so fucking high, that they refused to pay for fuel if they were only traveling within 600 trillion lite years from Earth.

In a pissed-off rage when lord Shoa Khant found out one of his troops paid more than four bucks for a gallon of fuel, he wiped him out, along with the other remaining member of his species and soon found he had no one left to engage in intergalactic butt-sex with. That’s when he used his advanced technologies to enslave human beings on Earth and make them butt-fuck him senseless, until his asshole caved in, or else he would suck the life out of them and eat their soul ... and sperm! Oh, how silly.

For hundreds of years Khant enslaved the people of Earth like this, until there were only a few hundred of them left on the planet. That’s when Khant started visiting other worlds via the Stargate and enslaving other planets' humans by planting trees in their assholes to rape them in the shade. While Khant was away on another planet, an uprising developed on Earth. The people knocked the Stargate over and buried it in the sands of Egypt with a note chiseled in stone on top that said, “Don’t remove this cover stone, EVER. If you do, this alien dude will come through and butt-fuck you all into oblivion”. Of course, humans are pretty dumb, too. So when they discovered the gate again in 1943, none of them could translate ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, and not only stood the gate back up, but flew it all the way to America were they would work for as long as it took to stand around it and gaze into the ring trying to figure out what the fuck this giant stone asshole looking thing was for?

The more current backside of itEdit

It lay dormant until 1994 when the daughter of the man who uncovered the Stargate in ’44 hired “Dr. Daniel Jackonoff” to come and translate the cover stone, because they decided after 50 years they may as well try to decrypt what it says! At first, the guy they asked to do it in the first place was obviously a retard, because he translated it as “Doorway to heaven's lavatory” . Dr. Jackonoff transcribed the text as actually saying “Here lays the original first page of the Bible, and don't stand up the giant-ass ring under it, or Khant will return and butt-fuck you to hell". Inside they found a note that read “For my darling Daughter Emma. All characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to real life persons or person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. P.S: Don’t stand the Stargate up or remove this stone, otherwise shit will hit the fan and you will all be butt-fucked to death, for any further information, please send a self-addressed, stamped, envelope to Cleo Patra’s snake phallus training school and nipple braille reading classes, Egypt, 0004.” Of course, American military being some of the dumbest people on Earth when it comes to not opening Pandora’s box, stood the damn thing up, charged the Stargate up using 1.21 gigawatts of electricity, fired up a wormhole to another planet, and simply walked through it picking their nose. Of course they would not realize they were walking right into the lion’s den that would alert Khant that Earth was accessible again, and he would stop at nothing to return there and find some new fresh smelly bums to molest.

Luckily the boys of the U.S Military managed to defeat Khant, as Khant had been out of the Earth loop for so long, he wasn't around when the AIDS epidemic spread. Khant couldn’t stop himself contracting it when he bum-chummed the wrong militant henchmen, and it’s a good thing that his alien DNA is not that of Earth's, as it would take you or me a few months to die of AIDS, but Khant's alien DNA made him explode into a million pieces the moment he stuck his dick into Major General Admission’s sphincter! Lucky for the Earthlings, aye! The boys returned home to Earth and assessed that the threat was destroyed. Earth was safe, and General what’s-his face had to die a painful death from AIDS in the comfort of his own planet's social benefits. They also awarded his butt with the congregational medal of honer and a purple heart for his ass saving the Earth's one.

It seemed like that was the end of the adventure, however, no one thought to pack up the Stargate, and some years later, it opened again, and some new butt-fucking-war-monger walked through, kidnapped a girl, who he thought was a boy, and fucked off back through the gate. Now the military realized the Stargate can go to other planets, not just the planet they went to and nearly all got butt-fucked-to-hell on. So the military were put into action to send teams through the Stargate to fend off the butt-fuckers around the universe who want to come to Earth and engage in forced upon anal sex with the non poofter men of Earth. These teams are known as SG units. They each have military training, small dicks, a sewn shut rectum, and can play a killer version of the solo to “Highway To Hell”. The TV show follows the adventures of the first SG group, SG 1 ... led by MacGyver, backed up in the rear by Dr Daniel Jackonoff (but not in a gay way), with a big black guy named S’pok who holds his six-foot dick in his hand and only shoots his deadly alien load at bad guys ... oh, and he wears mascara ... ohh, and there is a chick who would look half decent if she would show more cleavage and let her hair grow longer… and not just on her head, her muff would look great too if it looked like a blonde Chewbacca beckoning you to take a run at her Death Star trench run!

Stars of SG-1Edit


Some habits never die!

MacGyver - Cornell Jack "King" MacGyver is the leading man of this show who eventually becomes general of the whole operation in the later seasons due to being the only cast member whose character did not acquire a taste for semen during the 11 years this show ran. Seeing as how he never took part in the protein Slurpee diet the rest if the skinny fuckers of the show took part in, he got fat from eating too many Twinkies and became so unfit that he had to give up the role and take part on another show named The Biggest Loser. Jack's backstory was that in the 1980's he helped The Foundation for Law & Government stop terrorists with only a paper clip, two rubber bands and a hair dryer at his side. Eventually MacGyver was fired from The Foundation for arguing with the heads of the company that the toilet paper in the mens bathroom should face to the inside of the wall.

Mac then joined the Special Forces and made his way up to Cornell status during the Golf War of 1992 when he shot a par over six to beat Greg Norman for the US Masters. MacGyver now has little memory of his past, has forgotten he used to be a technical wizard with computers and gadgets, and instead now can only remember when he and his wife were engaging in martial sex one night, his four-year old son walked in just as Jack was about to blow a built up six-month call of duty load into his missus front-bum, and was startled by his son walking in, that he turned to face him, and couldn't stop from shooting his Jesus juice into his sons mouth and up his nose, causing his air passage to block up, and he suffocated to death. Jack only wished he or his wife didn't mind the taste of jizz and could have maybe sucked it out of their son's mouth to save his life.

Stan the cofee guy

Dr. Dickhead, at your service!


Fire the proton torpedoes!

Jaxon/Jaxoff - Dr. Daniel Jackonoff, PhD returns from the movie version to reprise his role in the TV series here, however he is now played by someone else. Daniel is the only member of SG-1 with no military experience, but he is allowed to tag along because the military refuse to pay him to teach their cadets how to speak ancient alien languages that only Daniel seems to be able to work out with the use of a paper clip, two rubber bands and a blow drier. Uncanny isn't it!? Jackonoff is a computer wizard, a book geek, and can reprise the entire lyrics of the Egyptian national anthem backwards in six billion and one different forms of communications and dialect. Suck on that C-3P0!

Samboy Carter - Samboy is the chick of the series. She has a lovely pair of coconuts, but you never get to see them unfortunately. She is a military officer who strives to look like a boy, because she hopes that when she is off-world, her fetish for being pummeled in the elementary canal for a good five minutes or more will be just as an alien god would force his way into a mans anus and not be so gentle with her because she is a woman. She also is a crack shot with a nerf gun, can actually understand what the fuck all that code on the Matrix screensavers means, and can come up with an antidote to any fatal diseases, both alien or human, in under 29 minutes, unless it's a double episode, but she still can not find a cure for AIDS. What a smart-ass dumb bitch!




General Admission"Fat Ass" Hammered

S'pok - S'pok, S'pok, loveable S'pok, he's tall and black and frowns a lot. He was the head henchman of the bad alien dudes posse until SG-1 showed up one day and he over heard Jack's Ipod playing "Smack My Bitch Up" and S'pok fell in love with rap music instantaneously. It also made him realize that the pretend gods of his planet were holding the black man down, and S'pok decided to immigrate to Earth were he could work on plans to unrepress his fellow niggers of his home world of Choof'Mak and they could be free to create their own rap music. However, the military are bastards, and don't care about black rights, even if they are of another planet, so S'pok can only work on this task when he is not forced to tag along with SG-1 as a human shield to protect the whities. Did we mention this poof wears mascara?

General Admission - General Pete Hammond or as he is known to his close acquiescence's, "Curly", is the bald headed fat bastard who sits in his office all day and spins stories about how he just spoke to the joint chief's about what hash they smoked that day, or how he just spoke to the president on the phone and they engaged in secret military undercover phone sex. When Hammond is not doing that, he is giving orders to the SG units to go and do something on another planet that will put their lives in danger, there will be chaos at every turn, people left and right will be trying to kill them, and they should be loving it. Usually these sort of comments have a character in the show inform him that quoting lines from Get Smart is against protocol and he should just tell them the truth that they are on another planet to look for a way the fat bastard can get skinnier as quick as possibly.

Reoccurring Non StarsEdit


R U 0.5?


The CGI looks so real!!

Apopoff is Khant's little brother. He doesn't look as girly as Khant did, but he still looks like a faggot. He is a black guy who can make his eyes glow due to this symbiont inside of him. A symbiont is basically an alien worm that crawls inside the human anus and attaches itself to the host (human) and becomes a battery for them that lasts longer than Energizer and Duracell's entire stock combined. With this battery up Apopoff's ass, he struts around all the time singing, "I've got the power". He also wears a costume that makes him look like C-3PO has sex with Queen Victoria and his henchmen have to wear grey metallic versions of what he wears, because he believes fashion & presentation is the key to taking over the universe. What a faggot.

Apopoff's guards. These poofs are the henchman of Apopoff. They are pretty much Storm Troopers who speak gibberish and hold long bows that fire blasters from the end of them. S'pok used to be one, and he tries to convert some of these guys to his side, but they always end up dead by the end of the show.

Others. Sure, there are others ... but don't you think this fucking article is getting to be a bit too long now? Must we explain EVERY little fucking detail about side characters? Sheesh, go watch the fucking show already if you wanna know more. No one else gives a fucking shit. If you want to pass more time, go back and read how many times the word "fucking" was written in this chapter.


Ummm ...

Thank the gods some spinoffs never got the go ahead!

Genesis of the PremisesEdit

The show was produced by so many people over the years that we will just tell you to look at the credits on this page rather than name all three of them. One of them, however, was the son of Dom Deluise. His son's name is Peter, and he came up with most of the shit for this show. There was plenty of other cunts who put the show together too, but this article is getting far too long now, so fuck it. Onto the next bit.

To Uranus and BeyondEdit

Each week the SG team would explore strange new worlds seeking out new technology and advanced medicine to help General Hammered not be a fat-cunt anymore. Usually a show's plot would consist of SG-1 meeting a new race of people, who were kind a friendly, and by the end of the show they were told never to come back again because they stepped on a bug that the whole planet worshiped, or some stupid shit like that. If it wasn't that, they were captured by some aliens and held prisoners and only one of them playing the hero of the moment could save the day. Each and every cliff hanger ended with Apopoff about to take over Earth or attack it, destroy it or was winning the highest bids on ebay for the ownership of Earth. And each new season openers saw SG-1 save the day by giving Apopoff a wedgie that made him run away cursing, "I'll get you next time you meddling SG-1 bastards!"

The shows plots changed in the last couple of seasons when Apopoff was killed and Death himself took over as the baddie. Most of the cast quit by this time, and all of the cast of "Farscape" were hired to take over as the new SG-1. Euhh, you can probably see this was never gonna work, so don't wing it was cancelled and replaced by re-runs of "Married ... with Children."


Had she only done something like this for the team for realz, the show might still be going!

Atlantis Spin OffEdit

When SG-1 reached Season 7, executives had had enough of the overly powerful "ass" theme of Stargate 1, and decided to make a spin off version called "Stargate Atlantis" were they could be more fair to the female audiences and start a full on vaginal themed show. That show was tied in by the Stargate SG-1 Series 7 finale when the SG team found out the Stargate was not just a giant rock made asshole that could send you to other planets through its worms in its hole, but if you walked through it from the other side of the ring, it was like walking through a giant pussy! So with hundreds of new worlds to discover, a fishy new adventure took place on the other side of the galaxy in the Lesbatross System.

Show's CancellationEdit

It took so god damn long to explain what happened in the movie, that peoples' heads spun when they tried to grasp the concept of what SG-1 was about. It was then cancelled after ten years. No one really understood how it lasted that long, but due to high ratings from Sy-Fy geeks who will watch anything, especially when it contains a brainy chick with the possibility of seeing her get half naked on screen, so they can pin her ass up next to Carrie Fisher's poster of her in that metal bikini from Jedi, accompany that with old fans of MacGyver and a someone named <insert name here> who just enjoyed watching people go in and out of a smelly old ring each week, then you have your answer. It was then cancelled when Sci-Fi geeks and perverts realized that this bitch was never gonna show her hooters, so they started watching True Blood instead. Hence, no more Stargate.

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Stargate SG-1 is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.