Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
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Here it is, the final movie of this Lucas-Mucas guy's intergalactic idea for some gay movie series called Star Snores or some shit like that. Star something. Store? Bores? Fuck, I don't know. Well, anyway this movie has all of the meaty stuff in it that you don't know about in the other movies. This is the one. A whole bunch of shit happens like brother and sister = Luke and Leia and more glowing Obi Wan Kenoli or whatever.
Do you get the picture yet? I guess not. That means summary. Damn.
Plot Summary (Juicy Part)
So some two droids are at some place. One looks like a gold-plated human and the other is some trash can thing. These weird robot shits were at some desert and knocked on the huge door. Some long, hard, straight thing stuck out and made some weird noises and the gold thing and the trash can (I think it's R98H7 or some shit) opens the door and then they go inside and there is some weird spider thing and then they meet some weird guy with a tail on his head. He is all slimy and tan but then he takes them to a room with some big fat worm thing. Then the R64Q43W guy plays some message with some white guy and he says something. Then Princess Laidup comes and try to take some Harrison Ford out of a wall, but then she is captured but that ham salad (or whatever he's called) is out of the wall and is put with his big furry friend Chewbroccolli or something. Then that Skystalker comes in and has to fight some giant dog thing and he kills it and that worm guy is mad so he takes that fuzzy thing and Laidup and Ham Salad and Lube Skystalker to some gaint pit/mouth thing that is in the sand and then they are going to be thrown off but then they start a battle and kill a bunch of people and Lube gets shot by someone on his fake hand because his real hand was chopped of by the Dark Helmet guy in the movie before. Then they blow everyting up and run away. And then they ditch that planet.
Then there is some super ball that has a chunk missing out of it orbitting around a planet in space. Those guys in white armor are lined up and some old hag gets out of a ship and mumbles some random shit and that guy in black really stands out in those guys in white. Then he says something and the scene ends.
Then you see that force guy and he is in a ship and goes to swampy bubbly planet that Uncyclopedia doesn't have an article on. That sucks. That planet is AWESOME! There is a little wrinkly green dude and he lifts up stuff by just thinking so he lifts up some ship thing. But now he is dying and he says something to Lube about Laidup being his sister or some shit like that. Then he completely disappears into thin air people. So now Lube goes out and talks to the glowing Obi Whine. And says "Dark Helmet = Father?" and then the glowing dude says some elaborate speech that really means "Yes." So now Lube has to kill his own Padre and he goes to some rebel place.
So these rebel people are talking about blowing up the Super Ball. So what they have to do is send these people down to some pine forest planet and disable some shield so that they can blow up the ball. So Ham Salad and Lube and Laidup and Chewy go down to the planet with some other guys and then Laidup gets split up and is abducted by these little bear things. So people go out to look for her only to get caught by the bears. Then the bears think that gold guy is some lame ass god and they roast the others, including that trash can. But, right before they get roasted Lube does some force thing to save their asses and they get released. So Lube tells Laidup about him being her brother and turns himself in to the Umpire.
Then the other people try to destroy that generator thing but get caught. Now that Lube guy is up on that ball talking to the Old Hag and that guy with the weird voice. So this is the exciting part. The space ships start to attack the Ball, the people in white get attacked by bears, (but think of these bear things as this: Teletubbies, except, instead of four, a whole fucking army of them) and Lube and the Dark Helmet guy start fighting with Laser thingymajigs. So you have like, 3 different battles going on at once, and you don't know what the hell is happening, because you keep going from battle to battle and then you say "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!" but then the people down on Endor completely destroy the white guys with the help of the bears, then Lube practically kills his dad, but then he gets shocked and it looks like her will die but at the last second Dark Helmet chucks that old dude who was shocking lube over the edge into some shaft. I think he was trying to throw Lube over, but he has such bad eyes he picked the wrong person. But who cares. The ball is about to blow up, so lube takes off his dad's mask and his face looks like total shit. I puked the first time I saw that. He's one ugly futher mucker. Still, he dies and Lube gets off the ball right as the Rebs blow up the place, so the whole movie ends with Dark Helmet burning and and some celebration on that planet.
The great unlicensed contractor rebellion
As Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine started to construct a second Death Star they ran into trouble along the way since they were in debt of about 500,000,000,000,000,000 credits for the previous Death Star plus Vader took up most of the budget since he needed a constant supply of 100,000,000 Kpa of Oxygen to keep him normal otherwise hed get too high off the force and start using it to jerk himself off and kill captains. So they went underground to Tatooine (aka planet Iraq) and found some unlicensed contractors who would rebuild the new Death Star for a fraction of the cost but at a much longer time frame. This was the REAL reason why the Death Star II wasn’t finished for the 3rd movie. So after the rebels blew up the Death Star II, it turned out only about 9% of the 1 billion inhabitants were actual Imperial's. The other 91% were the innocent unlicensed contractors who out of irony got killed cause of their laziness. As a result, this massacre spawned a rebellion uprising of all unlicensed contractors throughout the Galaxy who were lead by Bob the Builder and Handy Manny. The contractors wanted revenge on the Rebels and ended up single handedly wiping out the entire Rebel faction by making them bankrupt through means of overcharging the construction of X-Wings, and those other one letter named ships as well as secret bases on cold planets. By over charging their hirers and acquiring an ancient Jedi sleeping trick to help them sleep more, the contractors not only put the Rebels but the entire Galaxy in an economic recession. As a result the first African American Emperor was elected who replaced Palpatine. His name was Emperor Parack and for some reason Lucas never got the chance to finish his script cause it ended up getting stolen by CNN as an idea to boost their ratings. Another reason Lucas never made these films were cause of law suits by Disney for hiring Handy Manny for the film.
What we know so far about the Contractor Rebellion Saga: Names of the films: Episode 7: Handy Manny the Menace, Episode 8: Attack of the Hard Hats, Episode 9: The great economic recession
Other Shit About This Movie
This movie was really good in the movie theaters. It got like, a shit load of awards at the Oscars. The first one got more awards. It got like twelve billion or something. Still, there are a lot of action figures from this movie and stuff. Lot's of video games too. They have games were you shoot people and slice people. It's pretty fucking awesome. And there are other cool things like coffee cups and pillows and lego guys and stuff. It has a whole lot of shit based on it, that's for sure. And this was supposed to be the end of the Star Wars movies, but in fact it wasn't Lucas had to go along and make those lard-ass prequels and completely destroy the hearts of star wars fans and the hearts of chickens which were going to be taken out any way. Still, those movies suck ass and deserve to die. The only good thing is that they have better lightblade sword thing effects. And they make guys like this entirely out of computers. And then they did that to Yoda and destroyed him to. Fucking technology.
Originally when Obi-Won Kenobi told Luke that he had a sister, Luke goes into flashbacks of making out with his sistser and holding her while she was in the Slave Bikini. After this luke pukes. This was not in the original movie because Lucas thought his audience would not remember the makeout scene.
Did you know...
- That this movie was the third movie of the original trilogy made in the Star Wars Series?
- That you are reading this right now and probably read all of the shit above this not too long ago?
- That in a galaxy far far away the Star Wars Series happened?
- That the Original trilogy really happened after the second trilogy, but it was released in theaters first despite the basic rules of the univers?
- That if you watch all of the Star Wars movies non stop for 4 days, your eyes will turn square, you will die of boredome, you will have memorized every line in the first 30 minutes of each movie and you will never eat Pizza Hut again?
- That Lube was really born Luke?
- That you're dumb enough to actually read this article?
- That when Vader/Anikin's ghost appears, shortly after the celebration he is repeatedly ass-raped by Obi-Wan, Yoda, and the ghosts of all the Jedi that he killed or caused the death of earlier in the movies?
- That you're likely to be eaten by a star wars grue?
- That one of the Ewoks went on a six day killing spree?