Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
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|Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith|
|Directed by||George Lucas|
|Written by||George Lucas|
|Starring|| Ewan McGregor|
|Produced by||Rick Astley|
|Release date||May 19, 2005|
|Runtime||Long as shit|
|Budget||At least a dollar|
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is a 2005 epic space opera film directed and written by George Lucas, and the third of the Star Wars prequels. Set in 19 BBY, the film follows the final week of the Clone Wars, as Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker succumbs to his teen hormones and becomes Darth Vader, changing the fate of the galaxy forever.
Revenge of the Sith received generally positive reviews from critics, especially in contrast to the previous two prequels, which were deemed by Roger Ebert as "those awful things that ruined your childhood memories forever..." It broke several box office records during its opening week and went on to earn over $848 million worldwide. It is the second highest grossing film in the Star Wars franchise, not adjusting for inflation (of George Lucas' ego).
This film completes the entire Star Wars saga, leaving Lucas free to focus on ruining his other franchise, Indiana Jones. After the saga ended, many fans killed themselves as they had nothing left to look forward to in life, except reissues of countless "Star Wars Special Edition" DVDs with CGI vomited all over the place.
edit Opening crawl
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker are sent on a mission to rescue Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, who has been kidnapped very easily (George Lucas would recommend you pick up on this subtle red herring) by Count Dooku and Separatist leader/portable dialysis machine, General Grievous. When they find the captive Palpatine, Count Dooku engages them both in a duel. Obi-Wan is rendered unconscious by Dooku, but Anakin defeats the Sith Lord by slicing off both his hands. With persuading and instruction from Palpatine on how to properly vanquish a vampire, Anakin then chops off the defenseless Count's head, a violation of the Jedi Code, as well as an indication of being a complete psychopath.
After returning to Coruscant, Obi-Wan is ordered to Utapau to confront General Grievous. Meanwhile, Anakin returns to his whiny roots, and is angry at the Jedi Council for not granting him the rank of Master, even though they gave him a seat on it; he is also troubled by dreams of Padmé dying in childbirth. Of course, seeing these dreams, Anakin didn't, say, go to Yoda and get bitched out for getting Padme knocked up, and then get a good answer. No, he goes to Palpatine and listens to the guy who mysteriously looks like a Sith Lord. Anyway. Palpatine reveals himself as Darth Sidious to Anakin (big surprise there), and tells him that if they work together, they can save Padme; Anakin rejects his offer.
Anakin informs Mace Windu of his discovery. Mace decides that Palpatine needs to be stopped, but not until after lunch break. Windu goes with three other Unknown Jedi Council members to apprehend him. In Padme's apartment, Anakin begins weeping and becomes (seemingly randomly) convinced that only with the power of the Dark Side could he save her life. He darts back to Palpatine's office, where Mace has him at a standstill. Rather than simply grabbing Mace Windu's hand, Anakin chops it off to stop him from killing Palpatine, who then electrifies Mace Windu and throws him out of a window whilst shouting "UNLIMITED POWER!!!" Through persuasive, polysyllabic, strangely sexually suggestive dialogue—unheard of in any other Star Wars film—Palpatine knights Anakin as his Sith apprentice, Darth Vader.
After finding the Separatist encampment, Obi-Wan engages the asthmatic General Grievous in battle, eventually killing him with a blaster. Meanwhile, Palpatine issues Order 66, directing clone troopers to turn on their Jedi generals. Obi-Wan, being one of the few Jedi with any resourcefulness or initiative, survives the attempt on his life and escapes by stealing Grievous' starfighter and meeting with Senator Bail Organa and Yoda aboard Organa's ship, the Tantive IV. Along with Yoda and Organa, Obi-Wan returns to Coruscant, where he and Yoda discover that every Jedi in the Jedi Temple has been murdered, even the younglings. Obi-Wan sends a beacon to all surviving Jedi, instructing them to scatter across the galaxy and remain in hiding, which presumably fails seeing as the Jedi are already dead.
A heartbroken Obi-Wan then watches a security video revealing Anakin as the assassin and child-killing SOB. Subsequently, Obi-Wan and Yoda split up to confront the two Sith Lords: Obi-Wan to fight Darth Vader and Yoda to battle Darth Sidious in a classic
samurai Jedi stand-off. Obi-Wan wishes to fight Sidious to avoid having to kill his best friend, but Yoda insists that Obi-Wan is not strong enough to fight Sidious, and would have to accept that Anakin had been "by Darth Vader, consumed", and reminds Obi-Wan of all the times Anakin bitched at him. Unaware of his former Padawan's location, Obi-Wan visits Padmé and explains to her what Anakin has done. Padmé, being naturally blonde with dyed brown hair, refuses to believe him, and will not reveal Anakin's whereabouts, knowing that Obi-Wan will attempt to kill him. Before departing, Obi-Wan tells Padmé that he knows Anakin is the father of her unborn child, and criticises both of them for not using a condom in that technological age. Padmé sets out to the Mustafar system to confront Anakin herself, and Obi-Wan secretly stows away in her ship.
Arriving on Mustafar, Padmé confronts Anakin and realizes with horror that Obi-Wan had been telling the truth—condoms really are easily available. When Obi-Wan emerges from Padmé's ship, an enraged Anakin immediately suspects that Padmé has betrayed him and uses the dark side to choke her into unconsciousness. Obi-Wan and Anakin then fight a furious lightsaber duel, and Anakin gets the shit burned out him. Obi-Wan takes Anakin's lightsaber, believing he will no longer have any use for it seeing as he is one limb away from being a paraplegic, and returns to the shuttle. Vader, meanwhile, slides down the volcanic ash, coming too close to the lava, ignites and practically burns to death. Obi-Wan turns round to laugh before leaving. Vader lingers on long enough to be rescued by Palpatine, who rebuilds him as the black armor-clad cyborg first seen in the original trilogy. This epic sci-fi moment, once considered impossible to make gay, is somehow ruined by George Lucas, as Darth Vader is told his wife is dead, to which he throws his arms in the air and shouts:
Obi-Wan watches as Padmé bears her twins. Her robo-doc says that her "will to live" has run out, and she dies (huh?). Luke is put on Tatooine with Owen Lars, who is Anakin's step-brother, and Obi-Wan agrees to look after him in secret; Luke's twin sister Leia, meanwhile, is adopted by Bail Organa of Alderaan. Yoda, unsuccessful in his confrontation with Sidious, then tells Obi-Wan that he has more training for him: Qui-Gon's spirit would teach him how to retain his identity through the Force and commune with the living after death, as well as possibly set up another film, Star Wars Episode III.V: The Sequel Too Far. The film ends as Obi-Wan gives the infant Luke to Lars and his wife Beru, and disappears into the distance, presumably to live the rest of his life drinking heavily in a sand-igloo; trying to forget.
edit Cast and characters
- Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker: Now a full-fledged Jedi Knight, Anakin has become less of an irritant than he was in Attack of the Clones. Possibly sometime in between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan gave him that long overdue slap. He remains his partner, and the two have become war heroes and best friends. However, this doesn't last long, as Anakin transforms into Darth Vader.
- Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Now a Jedi Master on the High Jedi Council and a general in the Army of the Republic. If you look closely, you'll notice that it isn't Alec Guinness.
- The Girl With the Stupid Laugh That Starred in Black Swan as Padmé Amidala: I'd bang Natalie Portman...
Among the most drastic decisions made during post-production was the selection of the ending sequence. George Lucas had apparently decided to try yet another confusing plot twist on his audience, with the hopes of opening up a new avenue for alternative-universe "re-quels" involving time-travel and metaphysical paradoxes, wherein Anakin is initially killed doing battle with Obi-wan during their climactic encounter, causing an undesirable chain of future events. This alternate ending was later removed from all releases of the film, though vestiges alluding to it are present throughout the film.
- ↑ Time in the Star Wars universe is reckoned using as a basis the exact moment in A New Hope when the Stormtrooper entering the control room on the Death Star bangs his head on the door and yells. Using this system, events occurring before this moment are designated BBY (before bang/yell), and events after ABY.