Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

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Notice how Jango Fett takes up the centre focus.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is a 2002 space opera film directed by George Lucas. It is the fifth film to be released in the Star Wars saga, the second in terms of internal chronology, and the first in terms of everyone finally admitting that Star Wars had lost it.

The film is set 10 years after the events in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, when the galaxy is on the brink of civil war. Under the leadership of a renegade Jedi named Count Dracula Dooku, thousands of stellar systems threaten to secede from the Galactic Republic (yes, at the same time). When an assassination attempt is made on Senator Padmé Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, 20-year-old Jedi apprentice Anakin Skywalker is assigned to protect her, whilst taking a break from the Force to also learn about the ways of reproduction. His mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi goes on a wild goose chase investigating the assassination attempt.

Released on May 16, 2002, Attack of the Clones was the first motion picture to be shot completely on a high definition digital 24-frame system, and therefore have a fuzzier picture. It was also the first Star Wars film to be internationally out-grossed (see pwned) in the year of its original release. Spider-Man, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers all had higher receipts that year, as well as better critical reception. George Lucas is currently developing a weapon the size of a small moon to destroy the rebel scum who went to see these films, rather than his own.


Ten years have passed since the invasion of Naboo, and the Galactic Republic is in crisis. In a bid to completely bore movie going audiences with a misplaced subplot about politics, former Jedi Master Count Dooku has organized a Separatist movement against the Republic, making it difficult for the Jedi to maintain the peace. The Republic contemplates creating an army to assist the Jedi, prompting Senator Padmé Amidala, former Queen of Naboo, to return to Coruscant to vote on the matter. Upon her arrival, her bodyguard stupidly comments that he knew nothing would happen. This pretty much asks for a bomb to explode. She narrowly escapes, and fires the bodyguard for being such a dumbass. Security just hasn't been the same since Captain Panaka left.


I suppose they could have got someone dumber to play Padme after all.

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine assigns Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi and his apprentice Anakin Skywalker to protect her. That night, Obi-Wan slips up and again invites another attempt on the Senator's life, when he says they have nothing to worry about, as R2-D2 is keeping a close eye on her. Apparently they are unaware that R2's vision is actually based on sound. However, Obi-Wan and Anakin foil the attempt and subdue the assassin, who is murdered by her mysterious employer who waits for the second before she is about to reveal vital information. Returning to the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan is assigned to investigate the identity of the assassin's killer, while Anakin is assigned to escort and accompany Senator Amidala to her homeplanet of Naboo. Anakin, who has fallen in love with Padmé, relishes the opportunity to spend time and perv on her, although Padmé resists her feelings toward him. Still, not even Yoda knows how she managed to resist this gem.

Anakin: I don't like sand. Its rough and coarse and it gets everywhere. Not like you. Your skin is soft and smooth...

Obi-Wan's investigation leads him to the remote planet of Kamino, a planet ruled by anorexic albino aliens. Channeling the Force to maximise his improvisational skills, he manages to get from them that an army of clone troopers is being secretly produced for the Republic. After being shot at by a man wearing the same armour as the assassin, Obi-Wan begins to suspect that a bounty hunter named Jango Fett (as played by George Lopez) could be the killer he's looking for. After playing a game of explosive tag, Obi-Wan tracks him down on the planet Geonosis. Anakin, meanwhile, has grown troubled with arousing dreams about Padme, as well as recurring nightmares about his mother in grave danger. Using the smooth skills that he demonstrated with the sand pickup line, Anakin convinces Padmé to accompany him to Tatooine to save his mother. After finding her miraculously alive in a Tusken Raider camp, she decides that she can no longer hold on to her life and dies in his arms. Anakin then goes Vietnam on those Tusken bastards, and slaughters the entire camp.

On Geonosis, Obi-Wan relays his information about the assassin via hologram to Anakin, who transmits it to the Jedi Council, although Obi-Wan is captured mid-transmission. While he holds Obi-Wan hostage, Dooku reveals that the Republic is in fact controlled by a Sith Lord named Darth Sidious who is obviously NOT Chancellor Palpatine. While Anakin and Padmé head to Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan, Chancellor Palpatine is granted emergency powers to organize the clone army and send them into battle. Shortly after arriving on Geonosis, Anakin and Padmé are captured and sentenced to death. Obi-Wan sarcastically thanks them for an excellent rescue. Preparing for what could be their final moments, Padmé decides that if she survives this, she wants to get laid, and will even sink so low as to do it with Anakin. He jumps for joy, breaking his chains as well in a stroke of luck. The three are pitted against savage beasts, but manage to hold their own until Motherfucking Jedi Master Mace Windu arrives with a team of Jedi to assist them, engaging and decapitating Jango Fett in the brief battle. After the Senate has finally paid off that huge bill for the order of clones, Jedi Master Yoda arrives with their new army and collects the surviving Jedi.

Obi-Wan and Anakin corner Count Dooku in a hangar and engage him in a lightsaber duel. While they could have taken him together, Anakin fucks up and is knocked out by the easily blockable Force Lightning move. Obi-Wan is then left to fight on his own, meaning he may as well be fighting a Grue. Yoda then arrives and sorts Dooku out once and for all. Unfortunately, Dooku collapses a pillar over Anakin and Obi-wan. Anakin and Obi-Wan are unfortunately too lazy to move out of its way. Yoda, out of a misplaced sense of integrity, holds the pillar to save them while Dooku escapes once more. The Jedi are now uncertain of what will become of the Republic, now that the Clone Wars have begun, with many of them staring ominously at the Clone army for hours to emphasise how much they are worried. Meanwhile, Anakin, with a new cybernetic arm, secretly marries Padmé on Naboo. She enjoys the arm very much on her wedding night.

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