Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

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Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones
Directed by George Lucas
Written by George Lucas
Jonathon Hales Hitler
Starring Hayden Christensen
Ewan McGregor
The Girl from Black Swan With That Stupid Laugh
Definitely Not Darth Sidious, If That's What You're Thinking!
Samuel L. Jackson, MOTHERFUCKER
Christopher Lee
George Lopez
Antwan Dan Yells
A Midget
Frank Oz
Produced by Rick Astley
Distributed by Lucasfilm
Release date May 16, 2002
Runtime Long as shit
Language English
Budget At least a dollar
IMDb page

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is a 2002 epic space opera directed/written by George Lucas, and the second of the Star Wars prequels. It is the fifth film to be released in the Star Wars saga, the second in terms of internal chronology, and the first in terms of everyone finally admitting that Star Wars had lost it.

Set in 22 BBY,[1] the galaxy is now on the brink of civil war. Under the leadership of Sith Lord Count Dracula Dooku, thousands of stellar systems threaten to secede from the Galactic Republic (yes, all at the same time). When an assassination attempt is made on Senator Padmé Amidala, whiny teen Jedi Anakin Skywalker is assigned to protect her, while also taking a break from the Force to learn about the ways of reproduction. We watch as the two fall in love, while Anakin bitches at his master Obi-Wan Kenobi in the meantime. Our three heroes are soon drawn into the belly of the beast and the beginning of a new threat to the galaxy: the Clone Wars.

Lucas created Attack of the Clones with the intention of being "so dense, every single image has so much going on." Rather than do the whole thing himself like last time, he got a guy named Jonathan Hales to tighten up the script, giving us chestnuts like "I don't like sand" or "I wish I could wish my feelings way". It was the first motion picture to be shot completely on a high definition digital 24-frame system, though this didn't improve the terrible dialogue in the slightest.

Attack of the Clones sucked balls, but it was eye candy so you don't see me complaining. It was also the first Star Wars film to be internationally out-grossed upon release; Spider-Man, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers all had higher receipts that year, as well as actually being good movies. Lucas is currently developing a weapon the size of a small moon to destroy the rebel scum who went to see these films, rather than his own.

edit Opening crawl

edit Plot

Ten years have passed since the invasion of Naboo, and the Galactic Republic is in crisis. In a bid to completely bore movie going audiences with a misplaced subplot about politics, former Jedi Master-turned-Sith Lord Count Dooku has organized a Separatist movement against the Republic. As history has taught us before, force must be used against those who try to leave. This ideology is put to the test when the Senate votes on the subject of an introduction to a Clone Army; these badasses that will eventually become storm troopers. This prompts Senator Padmé Amidala, former Queen of Naboo, to return to Coruscant to vote on the matter. Upon her arrival, her bodyguard stupidly comments that he knew nothing would happen. This pretty much asks for a bomb to explode. She narrowly escapes, and fires the bodyguard for being such a dumbass. Security just hasn't been the same since Captain Panaka left.

Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Padawan Anakin Skywalker are assigned to protect Padme. That night, Obi-Wan slips up and again invites another attempt on the Senator's life, when he says they have nothing to worry about, as R2-D2 is keeping a close eye on her. Apparently they are unaware that R2's vision is actually sound-based. Poisonous caterpillars sneak up on her in her sleep, but the Jedi save her at the last minute. After a long, boring chase across the city, the two Jedi subdue the assassin, Zam Wesell, a reptilian shape-shifter who is killed by her mysterious employer who waits for the second before she is about to reveal vital information.

The next day, Senator Palpatine declares himself Supreme Chancellor of the Republic and dons stylish black robes. In his first action, he cuts funding to the Jedi Order, forcing Yoda and Mace Windu to organize a bake sale fund raiser. They assign Obi-Wan to pursue the assassin and find the secret of the special bounty hunter chocolate chip cookie recipe, rumored to be the best in the galaxy. In the meantime, Anakin is assigned to escort and accompany Senator Amidala to her homeplanet of Naboo. Anakin, who has fallen in love with Padmé, relishes the opportunity to spend time and perv on her, although Padmé resists her feelings toward him.

Obi-Wan's investigation leads him to the remote planet of Kamino, a dreary orphanage world ruled by anorexic albino aliens. Channeling the Force to maximise his improvisational skills, he manages to get from them that an army of clone troopers is being secretly produced for the Republic. After being attacked by a man wearing the same armor as the assassin, Obi-Wan begins to suspect that a bounty hunter named Jango Fett could be the killer he's looking for. After playing a game of explosive tag, Obi-Wan tracks him down on the planet Geonosis. Anakin, meanwhile, has grown troubled with interesting dreams about Padmé, as well as recurring nightmares about his mother in grave danger. Using the smooth skills that he demonstrated with the sand pickup line, Anakin convinces Padmé to accompany him to Tatooine to save his mother. After finding her miraculously alive in a Tusken Raider camp, she decides that she can no longer hold on to her life and dies in his arms. Anakin then goes Vietnam on those bastards, and slaughters the entire camp. Still, not even Yoda knows how she managed to resist this gem.

I don't like sand. It's rough... and coarse... and it gets everywhere. Not like you. Your skin is soft and smooth...
~ Anakin Skywalker on sand

Excuse me...I have to go do something.

On Geonosis, Obi-Wan relays his information about the assassin via hologram to Anakin, who transmits it to the Jedi Council, although Obi-Wan is captured mid-transmission. While he holds Obi-Wan hostage, Dooku reveals that the Republic is in fact controlled by a Sith Lord named Darth Sidious—who is obviously NOT Chancellor Palpatine. While Anakin and Padmé head to Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan, Palpatine is granted emergency powers to organize the clone army and send them into battle. Shortly after arriving on Geonosis, Anakin and Padmé are captured, and Obi-Wan sarcastically thanks them for an excellent rescue.

The three are pitted against savage beasts; preparing for what could be their final moments, Padmé decides that if she survives this, she wants to get laid, and will even sink so low as to do it with Anakin. He jumps for joy, breaking his chains in a stroke of luck. They manage to hold their own until Motherfucking Jedi Master Mace Windu arrives with a team of Jedi to defend them, engaging and decapitating Jango Fett in the brief battle. After the Senate has finally paid off that huge bill for the order of clones, Jedi Master Yoda arrives with their new army and collects the surviving Jedi.

Obi-Wan and Anakin corner Count Dooku in a hangar and engage him in a lightsaber duel. While they could have taken him together, Anakin fucks up and is knocked out by the easily blockable Force Lightning move. Obi-Wan is then left to fight on his own, meaning he may as well be fighting a Grue. Yoda then arrives and sorts Dooku out. Unfortunately, Dooku collapses a pillar over Anakin and Obi-Wan, who are too lazy to move out of its way, and Yoda, out of a misplaced sense of integrity, holds the pillar to save them while Dooku escapes.

The Jedi are now uncertain of what will become of the Republic, since the Clone Wars have begun, with many of them staring ominously at the Clone Army for hours to emphasize how much they are worried. Meanwhile, Anakin, with a new cybernetic arm, secretly marries Padmé on Naboo. She enjoys the arm very much on her wedding night.

edit Cast and characters


I suppose they could've gotten someone dumber to play Padme after all...

edit Production

edit Reception

edit References

  1. Time in the Star Wars universe is reckoned using as a basis the exact moment in A New Hope when the Stormtrooper entering the control room on the Death Star bangs his head on the door and yells. Using this system, events occurring before this moment are designated BBY (before bang/yell), and events after ABY.
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