Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

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{{Q|God is dead|Friedrich Nietzsche after seeing The Phantom Menace}}
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{{Template:Infobox Movie
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|movie_name= Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
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|image=[[Image:Star_Wars_Phantom_Menace_poster.jpg|220px]]
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|director= [[George Lucas]]
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|writer= George Lucas
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|starring= [[Liam Neeson]]<br>[[Ewan McGregor]]<br>[[Natalie Portman|The Girl With the Stupid Laugh from Black Swan]]<br>[[Kid|A Kid Whose Acting Career Never Existed Before or After the Release of This Film]]<br>''[[Emperor Palpatine|Definitely Not Darth Sidious, If That's What You're Thinking!]]''<br>[[Black guy|Ahmed Worst]]<br>[[Satan]]<br>[[C-3PO|Antwan Dan Yells]]<br>[[Midget|A Midget]]<br>[[September|Pernilla September]]<br>[[Wizard of Oz|Frank Oz]]<br>
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|producer=[[Rick Astley|Rick McCallum]]
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|distributor=[[George Lucas|Lucasfilm]]
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|release_date= May 19, 1999
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|runtime= A little too long
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|movie_language= English
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|budget= At least a dollar
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|imdb_id =
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}}
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{{Wikipedia}}
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'''''Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace''''' is a [[1999]] [[space|epic space opera]] film directed/written by [[George Lucas]], and the first of the ''[[Star Wars]]'' prequels. It is the fourth film to be released in the ''Star Wars'' saga, the second in terms of internal chronology, and the last in terms of everyone trying to [[Denial|convince themselves that the series hadn't lost it]].
   
[[File:Starwars battle.JPG|thumb|250px|Lucas hoped that the special effects in ''The Phantom Menace'', which far outstripped those of the original trilogy, would not blind fans to the film's other obvious deficiencies]]
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Set in 32 BBY,<ref>Time in the [[Star Wars]] universe is reckoned using as a basis the exact moment in ''[[Star Wars|A New Hope]]'' when the [[Stormtrooper]] entering the control room on the [[Death Star]] bangs his head on the door and yells. Using this system, events occurring before this moment are designated ''BBY'' (before bang/yell), and events after ''ABY''.</ref> it follows Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi as they battle an army of zombie [[Jar Jar Binks|Gungans]] in space. It also features a young [[Anakin Skywalker]], back when he was a young [[child]] full of hope and adventure, before he became [[Darth Vader]] (dun dun dun!).
'''Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace''' was an elaborate practical joke pulled off by film director and notable prankster [[George Lucas]]. His inspired conceit was to make the worst film possibly imaginable and release it as part of the [[Star Wars]] series which, up to that point, had been at least marginally awesome.
 
   
==Origins==
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Lucas began production of ''The Phantom Menace'' after realizing that special effects had advanced to the point where he could vomit CGI all over the place at the expense of the story. His new producer, [[Rick Astley|Rick McCallum]], was much more supportive compared to old producer Gary Kurtz, and gave him full creative control. Lucas claimed he wrote the prequels with the intention of completing the ''Star Wars'' story, but we all know he just wanted to [[hate|disappoint]] [[Queers|fans of the original trilogy]].
   
Believe it or not, ''The Phantom Menace'' was not the first time Lucas pulled a trick on Star Wars fans. Many years previously he had made the movie ''The Return Of The Jedi'', as the final film in the series. ''"I thought it would be hilarious to ruin the climactic feel of the movie by introducing some sort of incredibly irritating creature who would dominate the last 30 or so minutes,"'' he says in an interview, chuckling, ''"So that's when I came up with the Ewok."'' For the three or four readers here who haven't seen the film, Ewoks are possibly the most preposterous creatures ever put on screen. Picture the [[Telletubbies]], except instead of four, there is a fucking [[army]] of them. Yeah. Seriously. Lucas thought it would be hilarious to introduce these oversized gerbils and watch the reactions to the fans, who he clearly thought would be devastated. Unfortunately, many fans loved the ewoks, even after they sang the most irritating song ever written at the end of the series. ''"Well,"'' Lucas reportedly said, ''"Ruining the end of the story clearly wasn't good enough. At least I still have time to ruin the beginning!"''
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''The Phantom Menace'' was panned by critics, being compared to the likes of ''Freddy Got Fingered'' and ''Showgirls''. Despite its massive unpopularity with older fans, a common refrain from the younger generation is that "The prequels were good movies, you're just nostalgia-blind for the originals. Go [[fellatio|suck my dick]]."
   
==Writing and production==
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==Opening crawl==
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<div>
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<div style="padding: 60px;color:white;background-color:#252525;font-family: sans-serif;font-size:16px;" class="nounderlinelink">
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<font color="cyan">'''A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...'''</font><br>
   
[[File:Jackson2.jpg|thumb|250px|In 2008, the California state assembly made "wasting Samuel L. Jackson's awesomeness" a crime punishable by "getting a gun upside your head, [[George Lucas|motherfucker]]."]]
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<center>
Lucas thought it would be immensely difficult to pull off his scheme, but to his shock, 20th Century [[Fox]] gave him a million dollar contract the minute he walked back into the building. He used much of this money to hire a group of the [[Earth|world]]'s finest writers. The writers collaborated on a mindblowingly awesome script. Lucas used this script for rolling paper to smoke [[pot]] with as he wrote his own script. His first idea was Jar Jar Binks, a creature even more annoying than the ewoks. Lucas originally wanted to make Jar Jar the film's only character and only introduce Anakin Skywalker in the last five minutes of the film. However, his agent talked him out of this. Lucas did, however, make sure that at least half of the movie's playtime would be devoted solely to shots of Jar Jar falling down, blowing things up, and performing other two-year-old pleasing antics. After the script was written, Lucas re-released the original Star Wars films about 15 times so he could raise enough money to make the new film. Once enough funds were raised, Lucas hired several excellent actors and bludgeoned them in the head until they had forgotten how to act properly. He explained his reasoning in a recent interview: ''"You see, if I had hired actors who were notable for sucking, people would actually EXPECT a [[Shit|crappy]] movie! But if I hired actors notable for awesomeness such as Samuel L. Jackson, people would actually expect a decent film. Thereby making it far more hilarious to watch their reactions."''
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<font color="gold">'''STAR WARS'''</font><br>
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<font color="gold">'''EPISODE I'''</font><br>
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<font color="gold">'''THE PHANTOM MENACE'''</font><br>
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</center>
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<font color="gold">Shit is going down. The political standpoint of the Galactic Republic is looking like that of the United States of America. That is pretty hard to beat, considering filibusters and all the ghetto things politicians like to do. They also like to lie. Anyways, there is a dispute on the current taxation of trade routes to outlying solar systems.</font>
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<font color="gold">Just like all resolutions, violence is used to resolve the matter. A blockade of big spaceships under the greedy bastards known as the GameStop Trade-in Federation has sealed off all shipping in and out of the small planet of Naboo.</font>
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<font color="gold">While Congress does some debating, the Supreme Chancellor, like all politicians, does things behind the backs of the rest of the government-- he sends two fresh Jedi Knights into the situation. Jedi Knights are the good guys, FYI...</font>
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</div></div>
   
 
==Plot==
 
==Plot==
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[[File:Jarjarohno.jpeg|thumb|left|180px|This thing right here ruined the movies for fans all over the world.]]
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After being [[tax|taxed]] in response for their outrageous trade-ins, the [[Chinese|Trade Federation]] retaliates against the [[Republic|Galactic Republic]] and sets up a blockade of battleships around the planet [[Naboo]]. Supreme Chancellor Valorium, in response, sends Jedi Knight [[Qui-Gon Jinn]] and his padawan [[Obi-Wan Kenobi]] to negotiate with the Federation leadership in order to make them realize that they are—and always have been—cheap. Ultimately, this realization would have the Trade Federation lift the blockade and, even better, provide fair trade-ins. [[Pope|Darth Sidious]], a [[Sith|Sith Lord]] and secret adviser to the Federation, orders [[Nute Gunray]] to kill the two Jedi and invade Naboo with a massive army of cheaply-produced battle droids. The Jedi are ambushed but they escape to Naboo.
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On Naboo, Qui-Gon saves [[Jar Jar Binks]], the most annoying fucker in the history of film, and he tags along with him. Unfortunately, Qui-Gon doesn't kill him and Jar Jar tags along for the rest of the movie. Qui-Gon, instead of [[sex|demanding common pay for his services of heroism]], simply asks that Jar Jar take him and Obi-Wan to the Gungan leader Boss Nass in the underwater Gungan city. Over the next half-hour, viewers are treated to various scenes of Jar Jar falling, bumping into things, making funny faces, and running around with zany kazoo music playing in the background. Unable to [[blowjob|convince]] Boss Nass to help them, they simply are given transportation to Theed, the capital of Naboo's surface. There, they rescue [[Padme|Queen Amidala]], the pale, monotonous [[democracy|democratic]] [[dictator]] of Naboo, and escape Naboo on her starship which is damaged during the escape.
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Unable to sustain the starship's hyperdrive, the group are forced to land on the planet of desert planet [[Tatooine]]. Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, [[R2-D2]], and Amidala's bitch Padmé visit Mos Espa to buy junk parts, where find a junk shop run by an [[obese]] flying [[mosquito]] named [[Jew|Watto]]. The mosquito also owns a nine-year old slave named [[Anakin Skywalker]]—little did they know this was the future [[Darth Vader]]—a grease monkey, genius, and a podracer who has never won a race let alone finished one. Evading a sandstorm, the boy leads the four to his home where he lives with his mother, also a slave, [[mom|Shmidt]]. There, he shows the four his work-in-process: [[C-3PO|C-3PO, human-cyborb relations]].
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Qui-Gon senses that [[The Force|the Force]] is strong inside Anakin, and desires to abduct him into the Jedi Order. Fearing Anakin's slave master's retaliation, Qui-Gon strikes a deal with Watto: Anakin's freedom and a new hyperdrive—for the fortune Anakin probably won't win in the Mos Espa Podrace. In the end, Anakin wins after Qui-Gon most likely uses the Force to cheat Skywalker into victory over the deadly alien douchebag podracers he was up against. Unable to free Anakin's mother as well, Skywalker says goodbye and takes off. As they reach Amidala's starship, a satanic looking assailant named [[Darth Maul]] attacks Qui-Gon. However, he escapes the clutches of his foe and they escape Tatooine in style.
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Amidala is taken to the capital city of the Republic, [[Coruscant]] where she pleas her case to the Senate. At the same time, Qui-Gon presents Anakin to the Jedi Council. However, the Council deems Anakin vulnerable to the [[Dark side|Dark side of the force]]... and they're right. Qui-Gon rejects the Council's decision and promises to teach Anakin to become a Jedi himself. Queen Amidala [[Prostitution|finally works out a deal with the other senators]] and they return to Naboo with Jinn, Kenobi, Binks, and for some odd reason Skywalker.
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[[Image:Darth_Maul_v_2_by_Ek_cg.jpg|thumb|right|200px|[[Darth Maul]] had a dual-ended lightsaber. ''Fuckin' gnarly''!]]
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On Naboo, Padmé reveals herself as the true Queen Amidala but everyone finds it hard to believe. She shows them her birth certificate and various other forms of her ID and they accept her revelation as truth. [[rhyme|Boss Nass stops deciding to be an ass]] and the Gungans ensemble an army to square off against an invasion force of battle droids. The group head to Theed Palace to hunt down Nute Gunray, and succeed in capturing him as Anakin blows up a space station that disables the battle droid army which allows Jar Jar to stop trying so hard—but the stuff people actually care about is the final fight between the two Jedi and Darth Maul. In this fight, Obi-Wan proves himself incapable of keeping up with the action before Qui-Gon and Maul enter some laser-shield hallway. Maul repeatedly smashes Qui-Gon in the face with a double-sided Sith baton before Obi-Wan can reach the two. Kenobi, pissed off to new degrees, runs up to Maul and pushes him down a shaft.
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Obi-Wan, who doesn't initially like Skywalker, promises Qui-Gon that he's gonna bust ass and train Anakin before he [[death|croaks]]. They burn the body at a funeral where the new chancellor, Chancellor Palpatine, acts like he isn't going to turn into an evil Emperor in ''[[Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]''. On Naboo, a peace treaty is signed on Theed between Nass's people and the leaders of Theed and everyone celebrates with a parade.
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Then, the credits roll. Of course, most of the audience has either left the theater or fallen asleep at this point.
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==Cast and characters==
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*[[Liam Neeson]] as [[Qui-Gon Jinn]]: Jedi Knight and Obi-Wan's master. [[Death|He eats shit at the end of the film]].<br>
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*[[Ewan McGregor]] as [[Obi-Wan Kenobi]]: Qui-Gon Jinn's apprentice. He kills Darth Maul. If you look closely, you'll notice that it isn't [[Alec Guinness]].<br>
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*[[Natalie Portman|The Girl With the Stupid Laugh That Starred in Black Swan]] as [[Padme|Queen Padmé Amidala]]: I'd bang Natalie Portman...<br>
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*[[Kid|A Kid Whose Acting Career Never Existed Before or After the Release of This Film]] as [[Anakin Skywalker]]: Hard to believe this clown becomes [[Darth Vader]] in Episode III.<br>
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*[[Emperor Palpatine|Definitely Not Darth Sidious, If That's What You're Thinking!]] as [[Pope|Palpatine]]/[[Hitler|Darth Sidious]]: This guy pulls all the strings. He's the biggest dick in the galaxy, the Galactic Republic just doesn't know it yet.<br>
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*[[Black guy|Ahmed Worst]] as [[Jar Jar Binks]]: This character is annoying.<br>
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*[[Satan]] as [[Darth Maul]]: Originally considering [[Rosa Parks|Ray Park's sister, Rosa Parks]] for the role, Lucas decided to choose [[Devil|the devil himself]] because he felt that ''Star Wars'' lacked the "holy vs hell" element that fans demanded. "By having Jesus Christ star as Qui-Gon Jinn, Satan was an obvious choice for the role of Darth Maul", said Lucas.<br>
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*[[C-3PO|Antwan Dan Yells]] as [[C-3PO]]: Anakin's protocol droid that he made when he was nine. ''Ironically, when I was nine, me and his mom made him.''<br>
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*[[Midget|A Midget]] as [[R2-D2]]: A robot that appears in every ''Star Wars'' film. He's awesome.<br>
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*[[September|Pernilla September]] as [[Mom|Shmi Skywalker]]: She doesn't get freed in this film. When you think about it, it kinda sucks. Why? ''[[Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones]]''. [[She|That's]] [[dies|why]].<br>
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*[[Wizard of Oz|Frank, the Wizard of Oz]] as [[Yoda]]: Yoda looked horrible in this film, I'm glad they made him CGI in future re-releases of ''The Phantom Menace''.
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==Themes and symbolism==
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''The Phantom Menace'', despite appearing simplistic at first glance, is full of rich symbolism that makes it seem like a real auteur film.
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The characters of Yoda, Qui-Gon, and Darth Maul are meant to represent the three major aspects of our society (capitalists, leftist hippies, and juvenile delinquents). There is also Queen Amidala, who represents the emancipation of women of the 21st century and their desire to become porn actresses. Via the character Jar Jar, the film could be seen as a message of peace and vis-à-vis foreign tolerance, including Gungans and other amphibious creatures.
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==Production==
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===Development===
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[[File:GeorgeLucas.jpg|thumb|right|200px|"It's like poetry, they rhyme. Each stanza kinda rhymes with last one.]]
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Believe it or not, ''The Phantom Menace'' was not the first time [[George Lucas]] pulled a trick on his fans. Have you ever noticed how all the best performances from actors happened in ''The Empire Strikes Back'', one of two films Lucas did not direct? It's not a coincidence. George may have a knack for creatures and spaceships, but he's absolutely horrible at coaxing good performances from actors.
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In retrospect, ''Return of the Jedi'' could be seen as the beginning of the decline. "I thought it would really enhance the climactic feel of the movie by introducing silly new creatures that kids love," Lucas said in an interview, chuckling. "So that's when I came up with the Ewoks." For the three or four readers here who haven't seen the movie, Ewoks are possibly the most preposterous creatures ever put on screen. Picture the [[Telletubbies]], except instead of four, there's a whole [[army]] of them, and every one of them has fur that they never shave or brush. Yeah. Seriously.
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Lucas thought it would be hilarious to introduce these oversized gerbils and watch the reactions to the fans, who he clearly thought would be devastated. Unfortunately, many fans loved the Ewoks, even after they sang the most irritating song ever written at the end of the series. "Well," Lucas elaborated, "Fixing the end of the ''Star Wars'' story wasn't enough for me. I want to make the beginning the best it can be."
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===Writing===
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Believing he could do no wrong (he created fucking STAR WARS, after all), 20th Century [[Fox]] provided Lucas with a million-dollar contract the moment he walked into their office.
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Using this money, Lucas assembled a team of <s>yes-men</s> supremely talented writers. <s>Lucas's</s> Their first idea was Jar Jar Binks, a creature even more lovable than the Ewoks. The writers originally wanted to make Jar Jar the main character and only introduce Anakin in the last five minutes of the film, but Lucas's agent talked him—err, I mean THEM, out of this. They did, however, make sure that at least half of the movie's playtime would be devoted solely to scenes of Jar Jar falling down, blowing things up, and performing other ''wacky'' antics.
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After the script was written, Lucas threw together a team of actors. The actors found him to be very uncommunicative towards them, with his only directions generally being either "faster", "more intense", "more dense", or "more like poetry, it rhymes". At one point, when he temporarily lost his voice, the crew provided the actors with a board with just those four sayings written on it.
   
The film centers around a young Obi Wan Kenobi and his master, [[Cocktail|Qui Gon on Gin). The first twenty minutes of the film consist of one super-extended scene in which the two [[Jedi]] fight off an army of animated robots who look about as threatening as toaster ovens (interestingly enough, the two Jedi Knights actually ''did'' fight a toaster oven in the original script, though Lucas changed it at the last minute). Then, they go down to a planet called Naboo for no apparent reason, where they meet Jar Jar Binks, some sort of large, orange amphibian with a voice like [[Elmo]] on some sort of mind altering substance. Over the course of the next hour and a half, Jar Jar falls over, bumps into things, makes funny faces, and runs around while zany kazoo music plays in the background. Then, in the climactic scene of the film, Obi Wan and Gin Cocktail fight the villainous Darth Mole for 45 minutes straight, Gin Cocktail is stabbed, and Darth Mole is chopped in two in a ''"strangely hilarious"'' scene. Then, the credits roll. It is only after the credits that George Lucas appears on scene and explains, ''"This film is actually a joke. I wanted to see what would happen if I released the worst movie imaginable under the name of "Star Wars." APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHAHHA!"'' However, few audiences make it to this point, as most have either left the theater, fallen asleep, or killed themselves.
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==Reception==
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''The Phantom Menace'' was poorly-received among critics. [[Average Joe|Joe Everyman]] of ''The New Yorker'' wrote: "The only redeeming factor in this film is the fact that Natalie Portman is kinda cute. But she's barely in it. Thankfully, that little boy who plays Anakin is on screen a LOT, and he's pretty cute too...oh, that glistening little boy's skin fills me with PASSION!"<ref>The rest of the review is illegal in most countries, so it will not be duplicated here.</ref> In many countries, the film has been outright banned due to its tendency to cause vomiting amongst fans of the original series. Months after it was released, Lucas was questioned over whether or not he'd consider remaking it to be "more gooder". He responded: "If you want the originals, go watch the originals. This is ''my'' story, not yours."
   
==Critical Reception==
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Some [[Idiots|critics]] were more [[Good|positive]] on the film, though. John Q. Public of ''The Wall Street Journal'' said that "Aside from the lack of plot, proper character development, coherence, setting, or dialogue of any kind, it was decent. I liked the credits!" [[Roger Ebert]] of ''The Chicago Sun-Times'' awarded it 5 out 5 stars, claiming it was "Easy to sleep through." Alan Smithee of ''AOL News'' even went so far as saying that Jar Jar Binks was "the best character in the movie"; this review was never published, as immediately after typing it, hundreds of fans broke into his house and tore him limb from limb, chanting "Jar Jar Binks is an abomination, Jar Jar Binks is an abomination."
   
[[File:GeorgeLucas.jpg|thumb|250px|Lucas, on profits from ''Phantom Menace'': "I built an Olympic-sized pool, which I keep filled by the rage-tears of fans of the original films."]]
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==Release==
Star Wars, Episode I joined ''Freddy Got Fingered'' and ''Showgirls'' as one of the most badly reviewed movies in [[cinema]] history. As one critic pointed out: ''"The only redeeming factor in this film is the fact that Natalie Portman is kinda cute. But she's barely in it. Thankfully, that little boy who plays Anakin is on screen a LOT, and he's pretty cute too...oh, that glistening little boy's skin fills me with PASSION!"'' The rest of the review is illegal in most countries, so it will not be duplicated here. Some critics gave it slightly more [[Good|positive]] reviews, such as one reviewer who said, ''"Aside from the lack plot, proper character development, coherence, setting, or dialogue of any kind, it was decent. I liked the credits!"'' [[Roger Ebert]] gave it a five star review for being ''"Easy to sleep through."''
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Lucas re-released the film in 2012 as part of a Special Edition. $3.5 million dollars were utilized in changes, including more CGI, altered dialogue, re-edited shots, remixed soundtracks, added scenes, orangutans, breakfast cereals, fruit bats, and Jar Jar's eye color being changed.
   
Several months after Lucas made the first movie, he was asked if he'd consider remaking it as an actual movie, but Lucas said, ''"Of course not! If you want to watch a real Star Wars movie, go re-watch the first one! I'm making prequels as a joke, remember, so I can laugh at people who take them seriously, and so I can make as much money as possible so I'll be able to drag Harrison Ford out of the retirement home for another five [[Indiana Jones]] movies."'' In many countries, Episode I of Star Wars has been outright banned due to its tendency to cause vomiting amongst fans of the original series. These countries are also expected to ban the next prequel, episode II, which actually caused several angry fans to burst into flames to the amusement of Mr. Lucas.
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==References==
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{{Reflist}}
   
 
{{Star Wars}}
 
{{Star Wars}}

Latest revision as of 13:33, July 26, 2015

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Star Wars Phantom Menace poster
Directed by George Lucas
Written by George Lucas
Starring Liam Neeson
Ewan McGregor
The Girl With the Stupid Laugh from Black Swan
A Kid Whose Acting Career Never Existed Before or After the Release of This Film
Definitely Not Darth Sidious, If That's What You're Thinking!
Ahmed Worst
Satan
Antwan Dan Yells
A Midget
Pernilla September
Frank Oz
Produced by Rick McCallum
Distributed by Lucasfilm
Release date May 19, 1999
Runtime A little too long
Language English
Budget At least a dollar
IMDb page


Bouncywikilogo4
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is a 1999 epic space opera film directed/written by George Lucas, and the first of the Star Wars prequels. It is the fourth film to be released in the Star Wars saga, the second in terms of internal chronology, and the last in terms of everyone trying to convince themselves that the series hadn't lost it.

Set in 32 BBY,[1] it follows Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi as they battle an army of zombie Gungans in space. It also features a young Anakin Skywalker, back when he was a young child full of hope and adventure, before he became Darth Vader (dun dun dun!).

Lucas began production of The Phantom Menace after realizing that special effects had advanced to the point where he could vomit CGI all over the place at the expense of the story. His new producer, Rick McCallum, was much more supportive compared to old producer Gary Kurtz, and gave him full creative control. Lucas claimed he wrote the prequels with the intention of completing the Star Wars story, but we all know he just wanted to disappoint fans of the original trilogy.

The Phantom Menace was panned by critics, being compared to the likes of Freddy Got Fingered and Showgirls. Despite its massive unpopularity with older fans, a common refrain from the younger generation is that "The prequels were good movies, you're just nostalgia-blind for the originals. Go suck my dick."

edit Opening crawl

edit Plot

Jarjarohno

This thing right here ruined the movies for fans all over the world.

After being taxed in response for their outrageous trade-ins, the Trade Federation retaliates against the Galactic Republic and sets up a blockade of battleships around the planet Naboo. Supreme Chancellor Valorium, in response, sends Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi to negotiate with the Federation leadership in order to make them realize that they are—and always have been—cheap. Ultimately, this realization would have the Trade Federation lift the blockade and, even better, provide fair trade-ins. Darth Sidious, a Sith Lord and secret adviser to the Federation, orders Nute Gunray to kill the two Jedi and invade Naboo with a massive army of cheaply-produced battle droids. The Jedi are ambushed but they escape to Naboo.

On Naboo, Qui-Gon saves Jar Jar Binks, the most annoying fucker in the history of film, and he tags along with him. Unfortunately, Qui-Gon doesn't kill him and Jar Jar tags along for the rest of the movie. Qui-Gon, instead of demanding common pay for his services of heroism, simply asks that Jar Jar take him and Obi-Wan to the Gungan leader Boss Nass in the underwater Gungan city. Over the next half-hour, viewers are treated to various scenes of Jar Jar falling, bumping into things, making funny faces, and running around with zany kazoo music playing in the background. Unable to convince Boss Nass to help them, they simply are given transportation to Theed, the capital of Naboo's surface. There, they rescue Queen Amidala, the pale, monotonous democratic dictator of Naboo, and escape Naboo on her starship which is damaged during the escape.

Unable to sustain the starship's hyperdrive, the group are forced to land on the planet of desert planet Tatooine. Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, R2-D2, and Amidala's bitch Padmé visit Mos Espa to buy junk parts, where find a junk shop run by an obese flying mosquito named Watto. The mosquito also owns a nine-year old slave named Anakin Skywalker—little did they know this was the future Darth Vader—a grease monkey, genius, and a podracer who has never won a race let alone finished one. Evading a sandstorm, the boy leads the four to his home where he lives with his mother, also a slave, Shmidt. There, he shows the four his work-in-process: C-3PO, human-cyborb relations.

Qui-Gon senses that the Force is strong inside Anakin, and desires to abduct him into the Jedi Order. Fearing Anakin's slave master's retaliation, Qui-Gon strikes a deal with Watto: Anakin's freedom and a new hyperdrive—for the fortune Anakin probably won't win in the Mos Espa Podrace. In the end, Anakin wins after Qui-Gon most likely uses the Force to cheat Skywalker into victory over the deadly alien douchebag podracers he was up against. Unable to free Anakin's mother as well, Skywalker says goodbye and takes off. As they reach Amidala's starship, a satanic looking assailant named Darth Maul attacks Qui-Gon. However, he escapes the clutches of his foe and they escape Tatooine in style.

Amidala is taken to the capital city of the Republic, Coruscant where she pleas her case to the Senate. At the same time, Qui-Gon presents Anakin to the Jedi Council. However, the Council deems Anakin vulnerable to the Dark side of the force... and they're right. Qui-Gon rejects the Council's decision and promises to teach Anakin to become a Jedi himself. Queen Amidala finally works out a deal with the other senators and they return to Naboo with Jinn, Kenobi, Binks, and for some odd reason Skywalker.

Darth Maul v 2 by Ek cg

Darth Maul had a dual-ended lightsaber. Fuckin' gnarly!

On Naboo, Padmé reveals herself as the true Queen Amidala but everyone finds it hard to believe. She shows them her birth certificate and various other forms of her ID and they accept her revelation as truth. Boss Nass stops deciding to be an ass and the Gungans ensemble an army to square off against an invasion force of battle droids. The group head to Theed Palace to hunt down Nute Gunray, and succeed in capturing him as Anakin blows up a space station that disables the battle droid army which allows Jar Jar to stop trying so hard—but the stuff people actually care about is the final fight between the two Jedi and Darth Maul. In this fight, Obi-Wan proves himself incapable of keeping up with the action before Qui-Gon and Maul enter some laser-shield hallway. Maul repeatedly smashes Qui-Gon in the face with a double-sided Sith baton before Obi-Wan can reach the two. Kenobi, pissed off to new degrees, runs up to Maul and pushes him down a shaft.

Obi-Wan, who doesn't initially like Skywalker, promises Qui-Gon that he's gonna bust ass and train Anakin before he croaks. They burn the body at a funeral where the new chancellor, Chancellor Palpatine, acts like he isn't going to turn into an evil Emperor in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. On Naboo, a peace treaty is signed on Theed between Nass's people and the leaders of Theed and everyone celebrates with a parade.

Then, the credits roll. Of course, most of the audience has either left the theater or fallen asleep at this point.

edit Cast and characters

edit Themes and symbolism

The Phantom Menace, despite appearing simplistic at first glance, is full of rich symbolism that makes it seem like a real auteur film.

The characters of Yoda, Qui-Gon, and Darth Maul are meant to represent the three major aspects of our society (capitalists, leftist hippies, and juvenile delinquents). There is also Queen Amidala, who represents the emancipation of women of the 21st century and their desire to become porn actresses. Via the character Jar Jar, the film could be seen as a message of peace and vis-à-vis foreign tolerance, including Gungans and other amphibious creatures.

edit Production

edit Development

GeorgeLucas

"It's like poetry, they rhyme. Each stanza kinda rhymes with last one.

Believe it or not, The Phantom Menace was not the first time George Lucas pulled a trick on his fans. Have you ever noticed how all the best performances from actors happened in The Empire Strikes Back, one of two films Lucas did not direct? It's not a coincidence. George may have a knack for creatures and spaceships, but he's absolutely horrible at coaxing good performances from actors.

In retrospect, Return of the Jedi could be seen as the beginning of the decline. "I thought it would really enhance the climactic feel of the movie by introducing silly new creatures that kids love," Lucas said in an interview, chuckling. "So that's when I came up with the Ewoks." For the three or four readers here who haven't seen the movie, Ewoks are possibly the most preposterous creatures ever put on screen. Picture the Telletubbies, except instead of four, there's a whole army of them, and every one of them has fur that they never shave or brush. Yeah. Seriously.

Lucas thought it would be hilarious to introduce these oversized gerbils and watch the reactions to the fans, who he clearly thought would be devastated. Unfortunately, many fans loved the Ewoks, even after they sang the most irritating song ever written at the end of the series. "Well," Lucas elaborated, "Fixing the end of the Star Wars story wasn't enough for me. I want to make the beginning the best it can be."

edit Writing

Believing he could do no wrong (he created fucking STAR WARS, after all), 20th Century Fox provided Lucas with a million-dollar contract the moment he walked into their office.

Using this money, Lucas assembled a team of yes-men supremely talented writers. Lucas's Their first idea was Jar Jar Binks, a creature even more lovable than the Ewoks. The writers originally wanted to make Jar Jar the main character and only introduce Anakin in the last five minutes of the film, but Lucas's agent talked him—err, I mean THEM, out of this. They did, however, make sure that at least half of the movie's playtime would be devoted solely to scenes of Jar Jar falling down, blowing things up, and performing other wacky antics.

After the script was written, Lucas threw together a team of actors. The actors found him to be very uncommunicative towards them, with his only directions generally being either "faster", "more intense", "more dense", or "more like poetry, it rhymes". At one point, when he temporarily lost his voice, the crew provided the actors with a board with just those four sayings written on it.

edit Reception

The Phantom Menace was poorly-received among critics. Joe Everyman of The New Yorker wrote: "The only redeeming factor in this film is the fact that Natalie Portman is kinda cute. But she's barely in it. Thankfully, that little boy who plays Anakin is on screen a LOT, and he's pretty cute too...oh, that glistening little boy's skin fills me with PASSION!"[2] In many countries, the film has been outright banned due to its tendency to cause vomiting amongst fans of the original series. Months after it was released, Lucas was questioned over whether or not he'd consider remaking it to be "more gooder". He responded: "If you want the originals, go watch the originals. This is my story, not yours."

Some critics were more positive on the film, though. John Q. Public of The Wall Street Journal said that "Aside from the lack of plot, proper character development, coherence, setting, or dialogue of any kind, it was decent. I liked the credits!" Roger Ebert of The Chicago Sun-Times awarded it 5 out 5 stars, claiming it was "Easy to sleep through." Alan Smithee of AOL News even went so far as saying that Jar Jar Binks was "the best character in the movie"; this review was never published, as immediately after typing it, hundreds of fans broke into his house and tore him limb from limb, chanting "Jar Jar Binks is an abomination, Jar Jar Binks is an abomination."

edit Release

Lucas re-released the film in 2012 as part of a Special Edition. $3.5 million dollars were utilized in changes, including more CGI, altered dialogue, re-edited shots, remixed soundtracks, added scenes, orangutans, breakfast cereals, fruit bats, and Jar Jar's eye color being changed.

edit References

  1. Time in the Star Wars universe is reckoned using as a basis the exact moment in A New Hope when the Stormtrooper entering the control room on the Death Star bangs his head on the door and yells. Using this system, events occurring before this moment are designated BBY (before bang/yell), and events after ABY.
  2. The rest of the review is illegal in most countries, so it will not be duplicated here.
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