|Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace|
|Directed by||George Lucas|
|Produced by||Rick McCallum|
|Written by||George Lucas|
That Girl from Black Swan With the Stupid Laugh
A Kid Whose Acting Career Never Existed Before or After the Release of This Film
Antwan Dan Yells
|Music by||John Williams|
|Distributed by||20th Century Fox|
|Release date(s)||May 19, 1999|
|Running time||A bit too long|
|Budget||At least a dollar|
|Box office||$1.027 billion|
“I'm not afraid!”
“You will be. You will be...”
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace is a 1999 American epic space opera film directed by George Lucas. It is the fourth film to be released in the Star Wars saga, the second of the prequels, the second in terms of internal chronology, and the last in terms of everyone trying to convince themselves that the series hadn't lost it.
Set in 32 BBY, thirty-two years before the seminal original film, it follows Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi (Father Jinn was formerly the boy's sponsor from when he recently quit heroin and joined the Church) as they go on a monastic camping trip, after he started to relapse and he thought getting out of the city would do him some good, going to Naboo to go fishing in the center of the planet and go to an auto race in the desert of Tatooine as a much needed vacation as one big makeshift family. They almost pick up a deranged hitchhiker with a glow stick (Darth Maul) before driving back to the city, however the galactic senate and Jedi are out of army surplus supplies for camping. Than it becomes a coming of age movie for Obi-Wan as Qui-Gon joins his non existent wife in...whatever it is the Jedi believe happens when you die, they never really say, when he's stabbed by that hitch hiker from before at the Naboo palace rave, while a laser light show goes on in a nearby field. It also features a young Anakin Skywalker, back when he was a race car-driving slave and flying ace-fighting orphan, still full of childish hope and wonder, blissfully unaware it would all be downhill (and into lava) from here; as well as Padme Amidala, who gets captured, gives a speech, and fires a grappling hook gun in acts 1, 2 and 3 respectively.
Lucas began production of The Phantom Menace after realizing that special effects had advanced to the point where he could vomit CGI all over the place at the expense of the story. His new producer, Rick McCallum, was much more supportive compared to old producer Gary Kurtz, and gave George full creative control. Lucas claimed he wrote the prequels with the intention of completing the Star Wars story, though others claim he had deliberate intentions to disappoint fans of the original trilogy in an attempt to kill them in their logicless nightmares from watching a plot political science majors and economists can't explain the reasoning behind. This one is less army men and rocket ships like the following two entries and more someone playing with their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures, as the fights at least have decent pacing, when they don't involve wave after wave of CGI robots that look like their attacking them from another dimension, unlike the increasingly long and awkward looking CGI green screen ballets and operas of II and III's climactic light saber fights, II's featuring Dooku with the body of a younger stunt double pasted on and his powerful mime lightning vs Yoda's best CGI enhanced Sonic the Hedgehog impression, and III features a final fight that's longer than Chinese lava torture, and spread across two Super Smash Bros. levels consisting of floating platforms.
The Phantom Menace was panned by critics, being compared to the likes of Freddy Got Fingered and Showgirls. Despite its massive unpopularity with older fans, a common refrain from younger fans is that "The prequels are superior, they had way more pew pew pew kaboom!" These Millennials are eagerly awaiting their own Force Awakens to rehash the events of Episode I and present the magic of ornate dresses and podracing to their own children.
After being taxed in response for their outrageous trade-ins, the Trade Federation retaliates against the Galactic Republic and sets up a blockade of battleships around the planet Naboo. The people of Naboo are starving offscreen, maybe: without intergalactic trade to sustain them, they would be forced to farm and fish their mostly-coastal paradise planet, under the iron flipper of the amphibian
Asian Neimoidian businessmen and their army of consumer electronic commandos. Supreme Chancellor Valorum, in response, has sent Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn and his Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi to negotiate with the Federation leadership in order to make them realize that they are—and always have been—low-quality knockoffs, much like this movie. Ultimately, this realization would have the Trade Federation lift the blockade and, even better, provide fair trade-ins. Darth Sidious, a Sith Lord and secret adviser to the Trade Federation, orders Nute Gunray to kill the two Jedi and invade Naboo with a massive army of cheaply-produced battle CGI battle droids which are like the AK-47 of robots, reverse engineered from a grass hopper having sex with a terminator and a toaster. The Jedi are ambushed with poisonous gas after being served tea by a protocol which could have easily been poisoned, but they escape to Naboo after making faster work of the walls and floor than a Xenomoprh with their light sabers and through the use of Force Speed, a super useful ability they will never use again for anything ever. Jedi aren't very good space cops as they don't bother contacting their superiors for an update on the situation, gather evidence of a crime being committed or request any back up, prefering to sneak onto a troop carrier headed to the surface.
For some reason the army lands in the middle of wilderness on the other side of Naboo; the hourly parking fees for tanks are simply outrageous in the capital city of Theed. Qui-Gon saves Jar Jar Binks, the most annoying cartoon character in the history of film, over the next two-and-a-half hours, viewers are treated to various scenes of Jar Jar falling over, bumping into things, making funny faces, stepping in feces, getting farted on, and running around with zany kazoo music playing in the background; unfortunately, Qui-Gon doesn't kill him and Jar Jar tags along for the rest of the movie as their peasant pet. Instead of demanding common pay for Jar Jar's services of heroism, the Jedi simply ask him to take them to his leader in typical first-contact fashion. They dive down a lake to the underwater Gungan city Otoh Gunga, an attempt by Grand Admiral Lucas to blow James Cameron's The Abyss and Titanic out of the water. The Gungan society is still in its isolationist Sakoku period, and the Jedi are unable to convince Boss Nass to help them, but are instead given transportation to Theed via a funnily-named Bongo submarine. They travel through the planet's hollow core — as hollow as this film's message — to the capital, avoiding a series of increasingly bigger fish and withstanding Jar Jar's annoying screams of terror. Their mini-sub reaches the surface and pops out of the river in the middle of broad daylight, as hover tanks glide down the occupied streets; the Jedi are after all space samurai and not space ninjas.
In Theed, they rescue Queen Amidala, the pale, monotonous democratic dictator of Naboo, her palace adorned with beauty and wealth as outside her people starve, kind enough not to revolt and go French revolution on her. They the queen and her many body doubles and Sabé, Eirtaé, Rabé, Yané, and Fé her royal body guard Captain Panaka as they are being transferred to a prison facility after she refuses to sign a completely legally invalid treaty handing over her planet in exchange for the Trade Federations beads, however the queen refuses to leave until they grab her collection of expensive marble statues and some furniture. Escaping the palace aboard her precious metal-plated starship, they scrape past Naboo's planetary orbital, which is as easy as a yellow-and-chrome-colored quarterback running into no man's land alone, the suspension of disbelief is already out the airlock at this point. Unfortunately the ship is damaged in the escape, despite the best efforts to hold it in the air by R2-D2, the sole repair droid to survive the blockade's barrage.
Unable to sustain the starship's hyperdrive, the group are forced to change coarse to the desert planet Tatooine, which is covered in rough, coarse sand that gets everywhere. After they land, Jar-Jar steps in dookie in the middle of the street, and they visit Mos Espa to buy junk parts, where find a junk shop run by an obese flying mosquito named Watto, a member of the Shylock species. The mosquito also owns a nine-year old slave named Anakin Skywalker, a grease monkey, genius, and podracer who has never won a race let alone finished one, like James Dean but half the size. Evading a sandstorm, the boy leads the group to his home where he lives with his mother, also a slave, Shmidt. There, he shows the four his work-in-process: C-3PO, human-cyborb relations, pieced together from parts of campy robot butlers found in a nearby Sarlacc landfill. To poor Harry—err, I mean Ani, this is his golden ticket out of having to clean the dishes with sand for his mom.
Qui-Gon senses that the Force is strong inside Anakin, and Obi-Wan confirms through a blood analysis that the brat has more Midichlorians in his blood than urine in a public pool. Qui-Gon desires to abduct the boy into the Jedi Order, despite Obi-Wan's initial protests. Fearing the slavemaster's retaliation, Qui-Gon strikes a deal with Watto: Anakin's freedom and a new hyperdrive, for the fortune Anakin probably won't win in the Mos Espa Podrace; Queen Amidala could have probably sold one of her dresses to pay for it or offered Watto some land, but she's stingy. In the end, Anakin emerges victorious after Qui-Gon most likely uses the Force to cheat him into victory offscreen, with dozens of generic alien baddies sacrificed in high-speed flames before the boy's eyes in blood sport, as Anakin's pack of pint-sized Mos Eisley street rat friends cheer the carnage in the crowd. Unable to free Shmidt as well, Anakin somberly says goodbye to his mom and takes off to Coruscant, land of the free, promising to return and free her in the future when he has enough money to buy a ship; unfortunately Anakin really likes ships and spends all the money from the collection plate on his ride. As they reach Amidala's starship, a Satanic-looking assailant named Darth Maul attacks Qui-Gon. However, he avoids the clutches of his foe, all without even having to throw sand in his face, and they escape Tatooine in style, as Maul presumably goes back to whatever rave he got his big glowstick from.
Amidala is taken to Coruscant, the capital city-planet of the Republic, where she pleas her case to the glacially slow Senate. Naboo's Senator Palpatine persuades Amidala to make a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum, suggesting that galactic politics are bogged down by bureaucratic red tape and special interest lobbyists, and the only way to get the law to respond to a simple home planet invasion is to help elect him Chancellor so he can drain the swamp. Meanwhile, Qui-Gon presents Anakin to the Jedi Council, who deem the boy vulnerable to the Dark side of the Force and wisely object to training him. Qui-Gon rejects the Council's decision and promises to teach Anakin to become a Jedi himself. He also informs the Council of the assailant who attacked him, believed to be a Sith Lord; unfortunately, all of the other Jedi were as busy not doing things as the Senate, and no one had time to investigate the first report of their mortal enemies, the Sith, returning for the first time in a millennium, like finding a dinosaur. Thus they order Qui-Gon to return to Naboo with Obi-Wan and go on Sith safari, seeing if they can bring back the specimen for the Republic's alien zoo; Maul doesn't talk, so they assume he's just a Force-sensitive animal who has been given a lightsaber.
The Queen leaves empty-handed, because someone forgot to do their job and gather evidence of the invasion. Amidala decides to take the law into her own hands, though she's still stingy and refuses to buy a droid army of her own; better peasants and Gungans die as they are less expensive. She returns to Naboo with her party, which for some odd reason includes Skywalker (because who needs school or a legal guardian?) and for some odd reason the orbital blockade has mostly dispersed having better things to do presumably, like the Jedi, leaving a single command ship with all their eggs gathered into it. On Naboo, they attempt to persuade the Gungans into an alliance against the Trade Federation. Padmé, one of the Queen's handmaidens, reveals herself as the true Queen Amidala but everyone finds it hard to believe; she shows them her birth certificate and various other forms of ID before they accept her revelation as truth, as Naboo's chief export appears to be politicians who lie all the time. Boss Nass stops deciding to be an ass and the Gungans ensemble an army to square off against an invasion force of battle droids, throwing shiny marble like plasma bombs at them from catapults, with spears and energy shields rather than blasters, as this is a family friendly movie about war after all.
The Queen's group head to Theed Palace to hunt down Nute Gunray as he hides in the throne room, and Padmé and her guard succeed in capturing him as they repel down. Anakin finds a child-sized helmet inside a ship with the keys left in it, and accidentally activates the ship and flies into space, which he finds to be quite similar to podracing. Using the good trick of spinning, he blows up the Federation command ship which disables the battle droid army, allowing Jar Jar to fumble his way to victory on the field. At this point the tapestry of narrative has unraveled into four separate threads of lasers and explosions, with the main attraction being the final fight between the two Jedi and Darth Maul in the bowels of the palace's reactor core. Obi-Wan proves himself incapable of keeping up with the action when Qui-Gon and Maul enter some laser-shield hallway, preventing him from helping his master tag-team the Sith; it's too bad he used up too many Force points in the fight already to use Force Speed. Maul fatally injures Qui-Gon with his double-sided Sith baton before Obi-Wan can reach the two; Kenobi, pissed off to new degrees, clashes with Maul and defeats him with the ol' bisection. Before Qui-Gon croaks, Obi-Wan promises him he's gonna bust ass, ace his Jedi Knight entrance exams, and train Anakin.
For being the first Jedi to bisect a Sith in 1,000 years, Master Yoda promotes Obi-Wan to the rank of Jedi Knight and reluctantly accepts Anakin as his apprentice, but he warns Obi-Wan to be careful with the boy, as the Jedi Church doesn't need another abuse scandal. Qui-Gon's body is cremated at a funeral, in which all the Jedi get high from the fumes, where Obi-Wan tells Anakin he will train him and he doesn't have to go to an orphanage planet. Yoda and Master Mace Windu agree that the Sith are to blame for this tragedy, not their department's gross incompetence or the Senate's; being that there are only two Sith at any given time (a Master and an apprentice), they wonder which one still remains. The camera then pans over to the newly-minted Chancellor Palpatine, who looks creepily at Anakin like a Paige in the Galactic Senate. On Naboo, a peace treaty is signed between the Gungans and Theed opening up trade and allowing for cultural diffusion, while the Neimoidians have been sent to white-collar jail for nearly starting a war, and everyone celebrates with a parade more vibrant than the Mardi Gras.
Then, the credits roll. Of course, most of the audience has either left the theater or fallen asleep at this point being haunted by nightmares and wishing things politics, adventure, magic and invisible armies added in post production could be as simple as it is for Sinbad the Sailor or Jason and the Argonauts.
Cast and charactersEdit
- Liam Neeson as Qui-Gon Jinn: Jedi Master and Obi-Wan's master. Something happens to him at the end of the movie.
- Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Qui-Gon Jinn's apprentice. He kills Darth Maul. If you look closely, you'll notice that it isn't Alec Guinness.
- That Girl from Black Swan with the Stupid Laugh as Queen Padmé Amidala: I'd bang Natalie Portman...
- A Kid Whose Acting Career Never Existed Before or After the Release of This Film as Anakin Skywalker: Portrayed by an unknown homunculus, it was hard for many fans to believe this clown becomes Darth Vader in Episode III.
- Definitely Not Darth Sidious, If That's What You're Thinking! as Palpatine: This guy pulls all the strings. He's the biggest prick in the galaxy, the Galactic Republic just doesn't know it yet.
- Ahmed Worst as Jar Jar Binks: An orange amphibian whose voice resembles Elmo on some sort of mind-altering substance. He's annoying.
- Ray Park as Darth Maul: A Sith Lord who's cool as ice, despite only having three lines, and has a gnarly dual-ended lightsaber. Lucas chose Ray Park, the brother of Rosa Parks, to play Maul due to his strong resemblance to the Devil himself, because he felt that Star Wars lacked the "holy vs hell" element that fans demanded. "By having Jesus Christ star as Qui-Gon Jinn, Satan was an obvious choice for the role of Darth Maul", said Lucas.
- Antwan Dan Yells as C-3PO: Anakin's protocol droid that he built himself. Yes, a nine-year-old built a fully-functioning, multitasking android. Nice writing, George.
- A Midget as R2-D2: A robot that appears in every Star Wars film. He's awesome.
- Pernilla September as Shmidt Skywalker: She doesn't get freed in this film. When you think about it, it kinda sucks. Why? Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. That's why.
- Frank Oz as Yoda: Yoda looked horrible in this movie, I'm glad they made him CGI in the 2012 re-release.
Themes and symbolismEdit
The Phantom Menace, despite appearing simplistic at first glance, is full of rich symbolism that makes it seem like a real auteur film. The scenes of occupied Naboo mirrors the occupation of France Spain and Italy by fascists during WWII, with filming done in Britain and with a blockade instead of an air blitz. Although, Queen Amidala dresses like she's a Geisha, and the Trade Federation is forcing them to open trade, or charging them to use their hyperspace toll road or something, so maybe the Trade Federation represents the black ships of commodore Perry and American venture capitalism opening them to trade, or perhaps the Mongolian invasion with their technology superior gun powder being represented as battle droids? That or maybe the Trade Federation is just a clumsy rip off of the Spacing Guild from Dune, except that in Star Wars that doesn't make sense because space travel isn't monopolized by a guild of space folding drug addicted wizards, the Trade Federations only monopoly is on droid armies. We never actually see them "trade" anything, this really sounds like a mafia shake down on a local business that the space cops ignored, except what does Naboo trade?
The characters of Nute Gunray, Qui-Gon, and Darth Maul are meant to represent the three prongs of our politics (right-wing capitalists, leftist stoner hippies, and disaffected juvenile delinquents). There is also Queen Amidala, who represents the emancipation of women of the 20th century and their desire to become Barbie dolls, replete with boring politics and pretty clothes. Via the character Jar Jar, the film could be seen as a message of peace and vis-à-vis foreign tolerance, and the hook-nosed, greedy, slave-owning character of Watto could be seen as, uh... more tolerance?
Believe it or not, The Phantom Menace was not the first time George Lucas pulled a trick on his fans. In retrospect, Return of the Jedi, made two decades prior, could be seen as the beginning of the decline. "I thought it would really enhance the climactic feel of the movie by introducing silly new creatures that kids love," Lucas said in an interview, chuckling. "So that's when I came up with the Ewoks." For the three or four readers here who haven't seen the movie, Ewoks are possibly the most preposterous creatures ever put on screen. Picture the Teletubbies, except instead of four, there's a whole army of them, and every one of them has fur that they never shave or brush.
Lucas thought it would be hilarious to introduce these oversized gerbils and watch the reactions to the fans, who he clearly thought would love the Ewoks. Unfortunately, many fans hated the Ewoks, especially after they sang the most irritating song ever written at the end of the movie and wanted nothing more than to watch the forests of Endor burn to the ground. However, this did not deter George; "Well," Lucas elaborated, "Enhancing the end of the Star Wars story wasn't enough for me. I want to make the beginning the best it can be."
Lucas conceived The Phantom Menace after seeing recent Blockbuster movies like Independence Day Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park, which caused him to realize that special effects had advanced so far that he could vomit CGI all over the screen at the expense of a story and millions of dollars. His newly-selected producer, Rick McCallum, was far more supportive compared to previous producer Gary Kurtz, who attempted to usurp Lucas's Ewok-carved throne during Return of the Jedi but failed. McCallum crowned George with full creative control, believing that "Only the creator know's what's best [sic] for their work." Lucas was a bit like an old droid left to rusty in scrap piles, he had not directed anything since Howard the Duck, a terrible omen that his affinity with the directing force had faded, a fact he hid using millions of dollars of state of the art technology, sort of like when a super hero loses their powers and get's a bunch of guns or a robot suit.
Believing he could do no wrong (he created Star Wars, after all), 20th Century Fox provided Lucas with a million-dollar contract the moment he walked into their office. Using this money, Lucas assembled a team of
yes-men supremely talented writers. Lucas's Their first idea was Jar Jar Binks, a creature even more lovable than the Ewoks. The writers originally wanted to make Jar Jar the main character and only introduce Anakin in the last five minutes of the film, but Lucas's agent talked him—err, I mean THEM, out of this. They did, however, make sure that at least half of the movie's playtime would be devoted solely to scenes of Jar Jar falling down, blowing things up, and performing other wacky antics sure to please the kiddies.
Lucas claimed that long ago he had written the prequels in tandem with the originals as part of a well-rounded Star Wars story, allegedly an allegory of Vietnam and WWII only fought by celibate Buddhist Catholic monks with laser swords and spaceships. However, we all know he was just making it up the night before filming began and got swept up by the magic of reading the first Harry Potter novel, while the C-SPAN in the background slowly melted into a blur of geopolitical issues like trade embargoes, child slavery, illegal immigration and third world wars.
After the script was written, Lucas threw together a team of actors, many of whom were famous for starring in better movies. The actors found him to be very uncommunicative towards them, with his only directions generally being either "faster", "more intense", "more dense", or "more like poetry, it rhymes". At one point, when he temporarily lost his voice, the crew provided the actors with a board with just those four sayings written on it.
The Phantom Menace was poorly-received among critics. Joe Everyman of The New Yorker wrote: "The only redeeming factor in this film is the fact that Natalie Portman is kinda cute. But she's barely in it. Thankfully, that little boy who plays Anakin is on screen a LOT, and he's pretty cute too... oh, that glistening little boy's skin fills me with PASSION!" In many countries, the film has been outright banned due to its tendency to cause vomiting amongst fans of the original trilogy. Months after The Phantom Menace was released, Lucas was questioned over whether or not he'd considered remaking it to "actually be a good movie." He responded: "You basement-dwellers need to grow up. If you want to relive your childhood, go watch the originals and quit whining. This is my story, not yours."
Some critics were more positive on the film, however. John Q. Public of The Wall Street Journal said that "Aside from the lack of plot, proper character development, coherence, setting, or dialogue of any kind, it was decent. I liked the credits!" Roger Ebert of The Chicago Sun-Times awarded it 5 out 5 stars, claiming it was "Easy to sleep through." Alan Smithee of AOL News even went so far as saying that Jar Jar Binks was "the best character in the movie"; this review was never published, as immediately after typing it, hundreds of fans broke into his house and tore him limb from limb, chanting "Jar Jar Binks is an abomination, Jar Jar Binks is an abomination."
In 2012, The Phantom Menace was converted to 3D and re-released to theaters. Lucasfilm utilized $3.5 million dollars in changes, including more droids in the battle scenes, altered dialogue regarding midi-chlorians, remixed soundtracks with louder sound effects and Kanye West songs replacing John Williams's original score, puppet Yoda being converted to CGI, Jar Jar's eye color being changed, and the racist accents being digitally altered to sound like Englishmen. Producer Rick McCallum handed out "Dense-O-Vision" 3D glasses at theaters for viewing of Episode I, giving viewers the chance to realize how every single image in the movie had so many things going on. Despite earning $73.4 million at the box office, however, this re-release knocked the film's Rotten Tomatoes score from 63% down to 57%; it seems that critics who initially liked the movie had finally come to their senses after years of therapy.
After Disney bought the franchise, the 3D re-releases of Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith were postponed indefinitely. Disney claimed they were doing it to "look to the future" and "focus more on Episode VII", putting Jar Jar and Watto next to Song of the South in the Disney Vault.
- Jason and the Argonauts: Sword fighting skeleton warriors seem a lot more intimidating and interesting than slow moving rank and file insect robots that look like their fighting from another dimension.
- ↑ Time in the Star Wars universe is reckoned using as a basis the exact moment in A New Hope when the Stormtrooper entering the control room on the Death Star bangs his head on the door and yells. Using this system, events occurring before this moment are designated BBY (before bang/yell), and events after ABY.
- ↑ It was a shot in the dark anyways; the Republic hasn't had a military for over a thousand years, so there's not much they can do if someone wants to invade a member world anyways. They're as powerless as the UN, and she should have just married a prince of a neighboring world for military support like most royals.
- ↑ This gives credence to old space sailor's tale of mysterious ship disappearances in the Space Bermuda Triangle that Naboo occupies.
- ↑ That's maybe a blast door or a radiation shield or something.
- ↑ Obi-Wan is unable to bring back Maul's corpse for dissection — though the Jedi Church officially oppose dissection by anatomists — to identify his unknown alien species — Zabrak, who are a matriarchal society ruled by the Force-sensitive Nightsisters, like the dark elves of Star Wars.
- ↑ The rest of the review is illegal in most countries, so it will not be duplicated here.