Star Trek Online

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Shoebox
The latest in shuttlepod technology - USS Shoebox
“In Soviet Russia Star Trek plays you!”
~ Soviet Russia on Star Trek Online
“OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! AAAAAAAAA!!!”
~ 32 year old guy, who still lives at home, on Star Trek Online
“Fuck this shit, I'd rather play Star Wars Galaxies.”
~ Solid Snake on Star Trek Online

Star Trek Online (STO) is the latest in a long list of awesome and successful Star Trek games. This time though, players will be able to join in a common universe to complete various adventurous missions. Think of it as being like a Star Trek convention, except no one will be able to see the grease stains on your starfleet uniform and you won't even have to leave your mother's basement. Every conceivable possibility will be available. All those nights spent dreaming about saying Beam me up Scotty. All those nights having wet dreams about Seven of Nine. All those nights spent training the Klingon accent; they weren't in vain. Not only will players be able to run level 2 diagnostics and compensate for failing instruments; but they'll be given their own command! Indeed! Their own, amazing looking, awesome shuttlepod (Not the fancy one from the later episodes but the more advanced and cardboard looking one from the old days).

The missions

Information on some missions has already been released on the official site.[1] Here comes a preview of what will be available in-game once the game is released.

In space

A few games have offered this particular experience to Trekkies before but the lack of nerdiness and contact with other nerds made it unpopular among hardcore fans. This time though, you'll be able to cooperate your efforts with other Starships and recreate historic events such as the famous Picard Maneuver.

  • Fly the uneventful First flight as Zefram Cochrane aboard the Phoenix.
  • Be your own photon torpedo!
  • Fly the Skrreean ship that you can see in the background at 33:05 in episode 10, season 2 of Deep Space Nine.
  • Lose yourself 110 years from Federation Space alongside Kathryn Janeway.[2]

On planets/spacestations

Set foot on all those planets and spacestations you've only fantasized about. Take a walk in the black forests of Gamma Canaris IV, be part of the Genesis experiments on Regula or get your possessions stolen on Midos V. That and many more experiences can be relived. With the latest update you can even influence the outcome of several well-known events.

  • Let the alien kill Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.
  • When you go back in time; find your ancestor and become your own grandfather.
  • Join the Q collective when being offered the choice.
  • Be assimilated by the Borg.
  • When invisible and playing as Data on Kalar VI, rape that woman in the woods instead of saving her. No one will know.

Aboard your ship

Controlling a pod or walking down alien planets can be fun, but running around your ship might just be the highlight of this game. Play as the ships counselor and save the ship by sensing how troubled or evil aliens are or run diagnostics on malfunctioning plasma conducts. Any thinkable action will be available thanks to the full interactability given to players. Interfaces on every floor and in every room will give full access to the StarFleet Database; once and for all uniting all star trek knowledge.

Trek toilet
The One Toilet. Have fun.
  • Sit down and have a dull, long talk with Deanna Troi.
  • Reverse the injection coils and depolarize the flux capacitors.
  • Compensate!
  • Tap randomly on a screen while explaining why you can't compensate enough.
  • Have a pee on the only toilet available aboard the Enterprise (crew of 1000... oh my.).
  • Put on your pyjamas only to find out you've had it on all day and its your uniform you just put on.
  • Go to the holodeck to experience and take part in "Backdoor Sluts IX".
  • Point your handheld device around explaining why these readings can't be correct.
  • Oh, and compensate some more.

Character development

Fail ship
This Captain didn't have enough compensate points

Career advancement is one the most important aspects of this game. Instead of leveling and gaining levels like players do in any other boring MMORPGs they will here gain ranks and compensate points (CP). Higher ranks will of course allow players to command bigger and stronger ships while their CPs will help them develop their character. If they take time to set up a playing room where them and their friends (imaginary and real), can play for days at a time relying on Oreos as their only source of food; they'll end up admirals in no time. For all of them not nerdy enough, they'll be stuck as 2nd class engineers whom will probably end up as kill-offs.

Luckily missions and ranks aren't everything. As aforementioned players will also earn compensate points independently of how awesome their Trek knowledge is. These will allow them to improve specific skills according to their character specialization. Such as detecting stuff, making diagnoses on stuff, repairing stuff, making stuff go beep beep,etc.. Basically it allows players to compensate faster and better when things need compensating and I can't stress enough how important compensating is. Players will have to become one with the compensating technique to master the highest levels of command. It'll become so natural to some though that a warning has been issued by the developers; for players to refrain from trying to compensate in real life. It simply doesn't work and as some reports already show it can have severe consequences.

Star Trek crew
Preparing mentally before playing by dressing up as a Star Trek crew is a lame good idea.

Completing specific missions will give access to famous playable characters.

  • Captain Picard will give access to the starship Enterprise but mostly you'll be able to replay long, yet well formulated monologues to inspire the crew. Character Bonuses include +3 morale to crew, +6 French and British accent and -2 peeing on Deanna Troi.
  • Riker (aka Nr1) can be obtained once you've successfully mated with every female on-board your ship. Character bonuses include +6 flirting, -1 staying in shape and +3 hairstyle.
  • Deanna Troi is unlocked when a player fails a mission 10 times in a row. Character bonuses include +7 cameltoe, +0.5 reading people and -12 usefulness.
  • Data is available from the beginning but can be lost if it/he stays unattended for too long. Character bonuses include +16 intelligence, -5 sarcasm and -6 irony.

Do you have to be a nerd to enjoy this game?

Hmm, tough one. Well, OK. Being a nerd is, in fact, recommended. But players might find it somewhat interesting and mildly entertaining anyway. First off the 3D models of the female crew members and aliens are way better than those hot 3D night elves from World of Warcraft. Secondly the phaser gun can be set to kill which will kill all enemies in only one shot. Even the toughest bosses. No need to spend hours with other lesser humans who'll disconnect all the time. Neither is there a need to be a nerd to enjoy flying a spaceship. Finally, it is well know that Star Trek fans aren't really that nerdy. In fact, scientists have proven in thorough studies that most of it could happen for real. Those that should really be ashamed are the Stargate fans. Compared to them even Star Trek fans are considered cool at work.

Future plans

Trek fan
I'm sure you had no doubt, but just in case; Yes he was one of the many to send a complaint

Release date

The news was leaked not too long ago on a fan site that the last developer team spent all the money on the construction of a holodeck instead of making the game. Although most fans were raging at first; the fact that they tried to build an actual holodeck was considered an honorable task and the charges were quickly dismissed. Nerds poured new money into the project and a new team was given the honorable responsibility of developing the game. With all this, the release was somewhat delayed and the game went from being announced and in development to being un-announced; though rumours says it is soon to be announced again. Hopefully it'll be released before the fiction turns real![3]

Expansions

As a preemptive strike to the popularity of this game the development of several expansions has already begun. This is also a way to feign interest in the enormous amount of fan complaints. "Everybody knows that magnetic flux can't be used to power inversed neuron conducts.. n00bs" is just one example received by developers. Two fans even started a hunger strike to prove their point but nobody cared.

This game is on the verge of becoming the largest virtual universe and could possibly even surpass StarQuest Online, explaining why some have already expressed their worries as to how the Internet will cope. Is this the game? Will it stick and amaze generations to come; or is it yet another Runescape. Only time will tell.

See Also

Footnotes

  1. ^  Just google Star Trek and pick a site among the 30 millions hits.
  2. ^  If you don't know who she is, you don't deserve to wear that uniform.
  3. ^  For those of you lacking awesome Trek knowledge, that'd be 2063 when Cochrane makes his First Flight... pfft. Haha, I said "cock".

Sources

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 26 February 2009
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/26 February 2009Template:FA/2009</includeonly>
MMORPGs
Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft
Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III | Warhammer Online
Personal tools
projects