Star Trek

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“It's dead, Jim.”
~ Dr. Leonard McCoy on the Star Trek franchise
“No, you're dead!”
~ William Shatner to DeForest Kelley
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Star Trek.

A long long time ago, when men were men and women were women and Klingons were – well to be perfectly honest - just basically men as well - Star Trek burst onto the screens of a grateful American nation.

Creation

Star trek planet

Roddenberry's vision was that all other habitable planets would be incredibly bland looking.

Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek’s creator) hated the planet Earth after falling off his bike onto it, badly grazing his knee.”The only reason every damn television series is set on this damn planet is because of institutional racism - nothing more, nothing less”, he commented - his words here spoken by an actor in a weak attempt to conceal inebriation at the hands of Klingon Mind Lager. " But it's ridiculous; there's billions of planets out there and only one of them is Earth. Unless of course you count parallel universes, which I do...but that's just a hobby…and to be honest I've lost count."

Roddenbury also much preferred the future to the past as he hadn’t had a nasty bike accident in the future. "The present day is only one day out of about 3000 billion days available to set a television show in." Roddenberry continued, naked as the day he was born and starting to sway wildly, "I wanted to set my television show on one of those other 3000 billion days."

Roddenberry set to work, asking his mother if he was allowed to create a television series not set on Earth and not in the present day. Her answer was apparently ‘yes’, as long as it wasn't set next Wednesday after 15:00 - as that's when she was getting her hair done by Ms Haddison around the corner. With next Wednesday out of the picture Roddenberry set the show in the mid twenty-third century - a century that hasn't, even to this day, happened.

Series

  • Star Trek: Enterprise - The prequel and the newest TV series, Enterprise takes place a hundred years after First Contact with the Vulcans and a hundred years before Captain Kirk. It's theme tune is shit in the greatest of proportions. With nicer graphics. But for the most part, it's just really boring unless you want to waste your time looking at asexual Vulcan boobs in the decontamination room.
  • Star Trek: The Original Series - Terrible acting, terrible fight scenes, terrible writing, terrible directing, and terrible everything else. Just plain terrible, and yet somehow it is touted as the most brilliantest thing ever.
  • Star Trek: The Animated Series - TAS got canceled due to bad ratings, and the viewers were disinterested. But apparently, the people making the show wanted to make more terrible episodes. Thankfully, they only got one season.
  • Star Trek: The Next Generation - A British Shakespearian actor plays a French starship captain. Somewhat better than the original series, this was a macabre television drama documenting the destruction of the universe due to the infestation of human vermin in the 2360s. It originally aired across the late 1980s and early 1990s. Nobody can be sure of the exact dates and years of broadcast due to this period's tendency for every moment to merge into one continuous dull blur.
  • Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - This series had a gigantic space station designed to evacuate planets of low class minorities. Network executives have confirmed that the character of Benjamin Sisko was meant to inspire black people to leave behind their miserable lives on Earth and go in search of opportunity elsewhere in the universe.
  • Star Trek: Voyager - Star Trek was to forever commit blasphemy with this show, by having a female captain, a white female Klingon, and a black Vulcan.

Movies

The Star Trek series has been generous in how many movies they've given us with the same characters. Unfortunately, these movies start out barely watchable and just get worse and worse.

Original Series

  • Star Trek: The Motion Picture - Captain Kirk gets promoted to a much nicer job, but decides he's too cool to be admiral. So he handpicks the captain of the next Enterprise, and subsequently throws him out in the most insulting way possible at the young captain's first opportunity to prove himself. A bald alien girl (who is probably also bald you know where) falls in love with the dethroned captain whose name I forgot after watching the movie last week. A giant robot alien ball with a solar system sized plasma wave comes to destroy the Earth. It instead kills the bald alien, who then tries to complete the mission of V-GER. The ousted new captain, realizes he can't ever do anything of value as long as Kirk is alive, completes V-GER by merging his PE-IS with it. Then he creates life in a new universe or something, and Kirk gets to go on more missions again!
  • Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - A psychopath who has always wanted a warp-capable ship and a terraforming device finally gets them. But he gives up his life to attempt to defeat Captain Kirk. Obviously, he would never win because bad guys always die in these kinds of movies. But that didn't stop him. Oh well. And an indestructible main character dies and comes back. But you're not supposed to know that until the next movie.
  • Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - Spock gets replaced in Kirk's crew by Mr. Vulcan Woman with a K in "his" name. All Vulcans are male anyway so this makes sense. Spock's ghost self-rapes Dr. McCoy, prompting Spock's father Sarek to rape Kirk to save his son's honor. Then they go into the Garden of Eden to discover a soulless Spock's body regenerating to adulthood. Klingons come to take the planet but the Enterprise blows up with it, prompting Kirk to steal the Klingon ship. They take Spock's pubescent body and have that Vulcan lady I told you about earlier do a "healing ritual" on his body. Everything is back to normal. The end.
  • Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - They go back in time to 1986 where they witness humpback whales having sex, and Kirk has sex with an 80's chick and brings her back to the present. Kirk gets punished by being allowed to be captain of the Enterprise, making it not really a punishment.
  • Star Trek V: Final Frontier - They meet God who apparently lives in the center of the galaxy and needs a spaceship to travel.
  • Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country - A bunch of fast deaths, action sequences, and Klingons. I barely remember anything except for the end where Kirk goes on his final voyage and Sulu gets his own ship.


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