Star Trek: The Next Generation
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“You dare to call yourself Captain of the Enterprise? You don't even have a wig!”
~ William Shatner on Patrick Stewart
Star Trek: The Next Generation (ST:TNG for short, or Star Trek: Typical Product of the 1980s as it is more commonly known) was a macabre television drama documenting the destruction of the universe due to the infestation of human vermin in the mid 24th Century. It originally aired across the late 1980s and early 1990s. Nobody can be sure of the exact dates and years of broadcast due to this period's tendency for every moment to merge into one continuous dull blur.
Contents |
[edit] Origins
It is a common misconception that Star Trek: The Next Generation is a spin-off from Star Trek. This misconception is, in fact, a misconception. ST:TNG was not related to Star Trek in any way whatsoever and any resemblance to the earlier show, living or dead, is purely coincidental (possibly because the creator of both programmes had forgotten, or at least wished he had forgotten, all about Star Trek).
It actually began in the 1980s when Gene Rodenberry decided, once again, that he felt like naming a TV programme after one of his pets. This time he thought of his favourite iguana "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (not to be confused with the cat "Star Trek: The Next Generation" that owned him in the '60s and after which the original Star Trek was named). See also Pitching Star Trek.
[edit] Premise
[edit] The Mission
ST:TNG adopted an unusual narrative format by telling the stories from the perspective of the antagonists, the humans. It followed the crew of Earth's most powerful Starship - the USS Enterprise NCC-1701D, as it travelled to other planets to corrupt their conservative religious values.
Whilst travelling throughout the galaxy, the Enterprise crew encounter a number of alien species as well as many figments of their imagination. After each planet, moon, colony and tree they pass, they assimilate all of its inhabitants into the United Federation of Planets by either subversion or force. The show, however, did not begin at the start of Mankind's expansive phase; a number of species had already been incorporated into the Federation. Notable inclusions were Vulcans, Andorians, Klingons and, most surprisingly, the Americans.
[edit] Departure From "The Mission"
Due to budgetary constraints, the primary mission of the Enterprise could not take front seat in the majority of the stories. Faced with meeting the quota for episode count set out by the US television network, the writers faced a huge challenge. Their inspired solution to this problem was to focus on the minutiae of the characters' personal lives. This original approach is now widely regarded as the key to Star Trek: The Next Generation's resounding success.
[edit] Life in the 24th Century
[edit] Technological Advances
A number of interesting themes were explored during the show's 47 season run. The most prominent of these was the impact of advancing technology on the individual's personal and working life. Many of the advances leading up the 24th century served to decrease the duration of many dull, repetitive and time consuming tasks.
- Artificial Gravity: Whether in deep space (where nothing is pulling you towards the ground) or in orbit around a large object (where it appears that nothing is pulling you towards the ground because what you currently consider as the ground is being pulled towards the ground at the same rate as you are being pulled towards the ground...and breathe), you experience the same effect of "weightlessness". Humans are not designed for this. As such, the creation of artificial gravity saved the lengthy process of training astronauts in how deal with zero-gravity conditions, and allowing a greater number of people to travel through space.
- Transporters: Although the word Transporter could refer to any number of methods of moving someone or something from one place to another, in the 24th century it means something very specific. Transporters are devices that can teleport people and things from one location to another almost instantaneously.
- Food Replicators: No longer does anyone have to rely on the harvesting of animals or killing of crops in order to receive their favourite ingredients in order to cook their favourite meals. In fact, cooking itself is no longer necessary. Food replicators can recreate any dish in an instant, as well the cutlery and crockery to eat it with.
[edit] Consequences of Technological Advances
Because so many menial tasks were now much less time consuming or were no longer necessary at all, enough food and material goods were able to be produced to satisfy every Human and "Assimilated Alien" alive. As a result, the Federation had decided (in its evil, communist insanity) to share its resources across the entire population in order to alleviate poverty and starvation, and as a consequence of the former points, abolish the need for war between its nations.
This is a sharp contrast to the present day. Our technological advances have only made menial tasks just less time consuming enough that food and material goods are able to be produced to satisfy every Human alive. (Thankfully, our leaders, being much more honourable, still follow the more righteous goal of ensuring an abundance of commodities are available to the deserving whilst the undeserving are made to suffer).
[edit] Casting Controversy
For the first time in the history of Science Fiction, the network felt it may be a good idea to cast an actor in the lead role. The role went to Jean-Luc Picard who played the character Patrick Stewart. This was not well received by creator Gene Roddenberry who felt that it did not suit his style of storytelling. As a compromise, it was agreed that the rest of the cast should be less talented at pretending to be someone else than any group of people who had ever graced the small screen in the past.
[edit] List of Characters
[edit] The Enterprise
Following in the footsteps of such programmes as Knight Rider, The A-Team and Airwolf, Star Trek: The Next Generation kept with the 1980s tradition of portraying a vehicle as the star of the show. The Enterprise herself was the largest spacecraft in the galaxy (In fact, she was referred to as "Galaxy Class" for this very reason). She was capable of a number of amazing feats: Faster than light travel, separating her head (Saucer Section) from her body (Stardrive Section) and manouevring much more sharply than an object of her size had any right to.
The ship's computer was another example of the future's labour saving devices. For instance, if one desired information about all artists to have performed the second aria of the Klingon Opera Qapla' par'Mach, they would no longer be required to go though the inconvenient task of opening up their preferred web browser and manually typing the words into a search engine. Instead, he/she need only say aloud "Computer, list all individuals to have performed the second aria of the Klingon Opera Qapla' par'Mach". The computer may then vocally list all such performers. However, as the writers wanted her to have more personality, she would usually be pedantic and respond with: "There are seven-hundred and fifty-three Klingon Operas with that title. Please specify."
[edit] Enterprise Crew
[edit] Jean-Luc Picard
Picard was the Captain of the USS Enterprise and First Lord of All Starfleet. He was a Frenchman with an English Accent, thus making him the most unbelievable character in the history of television. Many commentators have suggested that he was Roddenberry's revenge on the network executives.
One of the first things we learn about the Captain's personal demeanor was his discomfort around children. This is later revealed to be due to an incident with the Ferengi. During his previous command on the USS: Stargazer, the Captain of a Ferengi Vessel had complained about Picard's behaviour toward his son. It was a simple cultural misunderstanding. Being the first human to meet the Ferengi, Picard did not realize that touching a Ferengi's ear was considered a sexual advance. Unfortunately, he since had trouble shaking off the negative press he received.
[edit] William T Riker
Commander William Thomas Riker was possibly the most pointless character ever. Really, there is not a single episode that would not have worked without him. (Apart from the ones that don't work with him). He is supposed to be second in command of the Enterprise, but his only role was to attempt to act like William Shatner. Picard's nickname for Riker was "Number One". This is commonly mistaken to be based on his position as the ship's First Officer when it actually means that the Captain sees him as a piece of excrement (Picard couldn't count to two).
[edit] Data
Lieutenant-Commander Data is an android who acts as Science Officer for the Enterprise, as well as a fully functional sex toy for the female and homosexual male crew members.
[edit] Worf
Lieutenant Worf was the first Klingon in Starfleet history. His primary function was to be on display on the bridge whenever Picard contacted enemy vessels. This was meant as a warning that even the most hardened species can be subjugated and assimilated into the Federation. Worf constantly suffered from chronic constipation, hence his tendency to drink copious quantities of prune juice.
[edit] Geordi LaForge
Originally a junior member of the "Bridge Crew", Geordi was eventually promoted to Chief Engineer. His engineering abilities, however, played no part in his promotion. The reason was that the rest of the crew got fed of him whingeing about being blind despite the fact that he possessed a gadget known as a VISOR that allowed him to see beyond the range of any other human. (VISOR is an acronym for Very Inconvenient Sensory Organ Replacement).
[edit] Deanna Troi
Deanna Troi was the ship's resident Counsellor. Troi had the ability to sense emotions in others as well as tell whether or not they were lying - a very convenient talent during the officers' poker tournaments. She also doubled up as the sex toy for the male and homosexual female crew members because Starfleet had found it impossible to recreate the irrational behaviour of women in Artificial Intelligence.
[edit] Tasha Yar
Tasha Yar was the original Chief of Security aboard the Enterprise D. Unfortunately, Yar made the mistake of falling in love with Data because she failed to realize that he serviced all of the women on board. Once she found out about the android's true nature, she committed suicide by throwing herself into a living pit of boiling tar.
[edit] Beverly "Bone" Crusher
Beverly Crusher held the title of Chief Medical Officer on board the Enterprise. The character was written in as a prediction that there would be a greater number of single mothers in the future. Many critics have blamed ST:TNG for promoting this kind of lifestyle, and for being the direct cause of rising teen pregnancies in western society. This may seem unlikely, but is actually backed up by recent opinion polls that suggest that Star Trek: The Next Generation is the most popular television programme amongst teenage girls.
[edit] Wesley "Soul" Crusher
Wesley was the emotionally stunted teenage son of Beverly Crusher. It is never revealed who his father was, but judging by the inexplicable violent outbursts his existence caused among many Star Trek fans, it seems likely that it was, in fact, Jar Jar Binks. Despite his age, Captain Picard would often allow him to sit on the bridge and pretend to pilot the ship.
[edit] Doctor...erm...erm...Polka?
There may have also been another Doctor aboard the Enterpise at some point, but nobody can be certain. It was probably just a mass hallucination.
[edit] Other Notable Characters
- Q: Q was an omnipotent being created by the imagination of Captain Picard and pulled into reality by the Enterprise's malfunctioning warp core reactor. He became a recurring character in order to explore subject matters such as comedy. Unfortunately, the producers decided to cast an American in the role which instantly detracted from his comedic credibility.
- Lore: Lore was an earlier version of the android model to which Data belonged. His programming was too complex and, as a result, he developed a more conservative attitude towards his functionality. Because he constantly refused to pleasure humans, he was forever persecuted by his masters and Data (Who Lore considered to be his little brother).
- Lwaxana Troi: Due to a strange genetic anomaly, Lwaxana was both the mother of Deanna Troi and the father of William T Riker. She often invited herself on board the Enterprise in order to push the two strangely related siblings into an even weirder incestuous relationship whilst also trying to seduce Picard. She was blissfully unaware of the Captain's asexuality.
[edit] Enemies of the Federation
Despite the Federation's relentless pursuit of galactic conquest, a number of cultures put up great resistance to their plans. The following is not an exhaustive list of such species, but provides an overview of the most stubborn.
- Ferengi: The Ferengi, as a species, live by the principles of capitalism; to increase their own political power, they steal from, and exploit other species as well as each other. This makes them an extreme threat to the evil, communist United Federation of Planets who, quite unforgivably, allow other assimilated species to benefit from their conquest by sharing in the Federation's resources and political power. Recent evidence suggests that the Ferengi may have started out as a sub-species of Americans.
- The Borg: The Borg are like the Federation in many ways. They share similar goals of universal domination, but their methods are fairer and more enlightened. For example, they never use the method of subversion, but only force in their conquest of other species. Also, they will only allow one viewpoint on any given subject. This viewpoint is enforced by the use of cybernetic implants to control each individual Borg Drone's thoughts.
- Romulans: The Romulan Star Empire is probably the most pitiful of all the Federation's enemies. They do not seek domination, but simply to be left alone. They are similar to the Borg in one aspect - the allowance of only one viewpoint. However, their methods are less sophisticated as they rely on propaganda and subversion through relentless control of the media.
[edit] Locations
[edit] The Bridge
The majority of the stories take place in the Enterprise's command centre or Bridge. This is where Picard would shout out random orders such as "make it so!" without explaining what it actually was. Another of the Captain's frequently given orders was: "Fire at Will!" Regrettably, he tended to only give this command whilst the Enterprise was engaged in battle with another Vessel. Because of this, the crew always misinterpreted his wishes and failed to execute their First Officer.
The Bridge was also the room that contained the large widescreen television. The crew's tendency to gather around it made Star Trek: The Next Generation a major influence on the British sitcom The Royle Family.
[edit] The Holodeck
The producers of the show felt that on a programme set in space, with an almost limitless scope for creating imaginative new concepts for planets, species and civilizations, the writers would quickly run out of ideas. As a result, they decided to come up with a device that would allow them to expand their repetoire to allow the characters on the show to act out scenes from the past, present, future and their own imaginations in the comfort of their own spaceship. This proved to be a mistake. The crew's imaginations seemed to be limited to acting out scenes from the detective stories of Sherlock Holmes and Dick Tracy Dixon Hill.
The holodeck produces solid holograms of people, locations and objects which creates the illusion that the user is actually in the environment they have created. It has a number of safety protocols to stop the the user from being harmed in any way. Much to the delight of the viewers, the safety protocols never worked. Holodeck malfunctions resulted in the death of LaForge in almost every episode, prompting the catchphrase often screamed by Worf: "Oh my Kahless, they killed Geordi!" followed by him waving his fist and shouting "you baktags!".
[edit] The Pub
From the beginning of the second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the crew had become overworked and overstressed from their decadent, glutonous lifestyles. To ease their pain, they built a drinking establishment on board the ship that may be reached by taking ten steps forward from any location aboard the Enterprise. They named it Ten Forward.
Ten Forward was run by Captain Picard's adoptive mother, Guinan. It is implied throughout the show, though not explicitly stated, that Picard's actions were constantly being manipulated by Guinan in an attempt to minimise Humanity's destructive effects across the galaxy.
[edit] Other Planets
Occasionally, when the crew wasn't watching TV, playing with their fantasy creations in the holodeck, getting pissed or teaching Wesley how to masturbate, they would visit other planets. Their favourite planet was Risa, as it was like a holodeck, but with real people and real artificial weather. This was closely followed by Australia due to it having some of the most bizarre social and political views and beliefs in the universe. All other planets visited by the Enterprise were called Rigel VII.
[edit] See Also
- Star Trek
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
- Star Trek: Voyager
- Star Trek: Series Guide
- Lesser Known Technical Effects of Star Trek
[edit] Do Not See Also
|
Star Trek - Star Trek: The Next Generation - Deep Space Nine - Voyager - Enterprise | |
| Captains |
James T. Kirk - Jean-Luc Picard - William Riker - Kathryn Janeway - Jonathan Archer |
| Other people |
Data - Dr. Leonard McCoy - Tuvok - Kira Nerys - Gul Dukat - Pavel Chekov - Q - Scotty - Spock - Weyoun - Worf - Leslie - Deanna Troi |
| Species | |
| Other things |
Borg Collective - Captain's log - Holodeck - Prime Directive - The United Federation of Planets - Trekkie - Tribble - USS Enterprise |
