Star Trek

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CaptainsST

A scene from the Star Trek pilot. The studio rejected the pilot because, although an unemotional alien speaking perfect English was believable, a female command officer was not.

Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it.

edit Creation

Star trek planet

Roddenberry's vision was that all other habitable planets would be incredibly bland looking.

Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek’s creator) hated the planet Earth after falling off his bike onto it, badly grazing his knee. ”The only reason every damn television series is set on this damn planet is because of institutional racism — nothing more, nothing less”, he commented — his words here spoken by an actor in a weak attempt to conceal inebriation at the hands of Klingon Mind Lager. "But it's ridiculous; there's billions of planets out there and only one of them is Earth. Unless of course you count parallel universes, which I do...but that's just a hobby…and to be honest I've lost count."

Roddenbury also much preferred the future to the past as he hadn’t had a nasty bike accident in the future. "The present day is only one day out of about 3000 billion days available to set a television show in." Roddenberry continued, naked as the day he was born and starting to sway wildly, "I wanted to set my television show on one of those other 3000 billion days."

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Roddenberry set to work, asking his mother if he was allowed to create a television series not set on Earth and not in the present day. Her answer was apparently ‘yes’, as long as it wasn't set next Wednesday after 15:00 — as that's when she was getting her hair done by Ms Haddison around the corner. With next Wednesday out of the picture Roddenberry set the show in the mid twenty-third century — a century that hasn't, even to this day, happened.

edit Series

  • Star Trek: Enterprise - The prequel and the most recent TV series, Enterprise takes place a hundred years after First Contact with the Vulcans and a hundred years before Captain Kirk. With nicer graphics. But for the most part, it's just really boring unless you want to waste your time looking at asexual Vulcan boobs in the decontamination room.
  • Star Trek: The Original Series - Terrible acting, terrible fight scenes, terrible writing, terrible directing, and terrible everything else. Just plain terrible, and yet somehow it is touted as the most brilliantest thing ever.
  • Star Trek: The Animated Series - TAS got canceled due to bad ratings, and the viewers were disinterested. But apparently, the people making the show wanted to make more terrible episodes. Thankfully, they only got two seasons.
  • Star Trek: The Next Generation - A British Shakespearian actor plays a French starship captain. Somewhat better than the original series, this was a macabre television drama documenting the destruction of the universe due to the infestation of human vermin in the 2360s. It originally aired across the late 1980s and early 1990s. Nobody can be sure of the exact dates and years of broadcast due to this period's tendency for every moment to merge into one continuous dull blur.
  • Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - This series had a gigantic space station (filled with all of the final frontier's waste) designed to evacuate planets of low class minorities. Network executives have confirmed that the character of Benjamin Sisko was meant to inspire black people to leave behind their miserable lives on Earth and go in search of opportunity elsewhere in the universe.
  • Star Trek: Voyager - Star Trek was to forever commit blasphemy with this show, by having a female captain, a white female Klingon, a black Vulcan, an elf, and an ugly leprechaun.

edit Movies

The jump from the little glass screen to the big silver screen was inevitable, as money just keeps being printed and movie studios simply have a duty to scoop it up. Movies were made using the original cast, the "Next Generation," and inexplicable combinations of the two. The key for the consumer is identical to that for new versions of Microsoft Windows: Every other one is decent.

edit Original Series

  • Star Trek: The Motion Picture - Captain Kirk gets promoted to a much nicer job, but decides he's too cool to be admiral. So he handpicks the captain of the next Enterprise, and subsequently throws him out in the most insulting way possible at the young captain's first opportunity to prove himself. Moviegoers don't care, because a three-minute scene where the camera slowly pans across the new ship and the old theme plays, has them all in tears of joy. An attractively bald alien girl falls in love with the dethroned captain, whose name everyone has already forgotten. And then...a giant robot alien ball with a solar system sized plasma wave comes to destroy the Earth. It instead kills the bald alien, who then tries to complete the mission of V-GER. The ousted new captain, realizes he can't ever do anything of value as long as Kirk is alive, completes V-GER by merging his PE-IS with it. Then he creates life in a new universe or something, and Kirk basically covers the entire incident up by filing a false report. It's okay though, because he gets to go on more missions again.
  • Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - A horribly wronged psychopath who has always wanted a warp-capable ship and a terraforming device finally gets them both in one day. Of course he throws away his life to attempt to defeat Captain Kirk. Obviously, he would never win because bad guys always die in these kinds of movies. But that didn't stop him. It never occurred to him that he could create a whole planet full of Kirks and then spend the rest of his life killing them. Oh well. Also an indestructible main character dies, but don't worry, he comes back. But you're not supposed to know that until the next movie. So basically ignore the last three sentences.
  • Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - Spock gets replaced in Kirk's crew by Mr. Vulcan Woman. Kirk doesn't mind because no one can understand her and her name begins with an S and end with a K. Spock's ghost self-rapes Dr. McCoy, prompting Spock's father Sarek to mind-rape Kirk to save his son's grade-school report cards. Then they go into the Garden of Eden to discover a soulless Spock's body regenerating to adulthood, apparently much faster than one normally regenerates after being regenerated. Klingons come to take the planet but Kirk and friends stake their claim first by crashing their spaceship into it. This does render their spaceship quite unusable, so they steal the Klingon ship. They take Spock's pubescent body and have an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT Vulcan lady do a "healing ritual" on his body. Everything is back to normal. The end.
  • Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - They go back in time to 1986 where they witness humpback whales having sex, and Kirk tries to have sex with an 80's chick, although she just shuts him down, so he convinces her life in the 80's is meaningless without whales. He brings her back to the future, although they never use the words "back to the future" so any potential lawsuits are cleverly avoided. Kirk gets punished by being allowed to be captain of another Enterprise, making it not really a punishment at all, unless you consider how the Enterprise feels about all of this.
  • Star Trek V: Final Frontier - They interrupt a perfectly legit camping trip to pick up some hitchhikers who want to meet God. God apparently lives in the center of the galaxy, and needs a lift himself. This time Kirk and pals see the wisdom of vetting their passengers before letting them on the ship, and God dies of a broken heart.
  • Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country - A bunch of fast deaths, action sequences, and Klingons. One of the explosions was so good they reused it in Generations. This time Kirk and Co. realize they are far too old to be galloping around the cosmos, so they agree to one last quick trip. They meet some Klingons who recently suffered from global warming and immediately get embroiled in a cosmic conspiracy so intricately conceived it wouldn't have been out of place in the Harding Administration. Needless to say, there are some humans, some aliens, a bunch of space, some stars, and a trek.

edit The Next Generation

  • Star Trek: Generations - Captain Picard and Captain Kirk, eternal party-poopers of the Universe, go on an epic quest to rid the galaxy of a place of eternal life and bliss called "the nexus" and bring all its occupants back to a life of proper drudgery. This movie established the canon principle that if you need help in a duel, you can not only travel into the past to get allies but pluck them out of the rolls of the deceased. One should be enough.
  • Star Trek: First Contact - The Borg discover that sending only one Borg Cube at a time to assimilate Earth isn't working and the only possible solution is therefore to send one Borg mini-ship back in time. Picard et al follow the Borg back in time and Picard almost gets seduced by a Borg queen who is sexyish — in that she's-like-a-corpse kind of way.
  • Star Trek: Insurrection - Picard gets a chance to sow his wild oats and finally mutiny against Starfleet. He accomplishes this mainly by beating up geriatrics in an epic new age quest to protect immortal space hippies from greedy Federation industrialists. It's exactly like the TV Series, so the fans definitely hated it.
  • Star Trek: Nemesis - In this film, the Enterprise races to Romulus to watch a palace coup. They wrestle with who is the good guy, who is the bad guy, which guy is really Picard, and how to justify theatrics such as flying a fighter inside a starship, space jumps, and hand-to-hand combat, when much more obvious military tactics are obvious but not quite as dramatic. The film pioneers telepathic rape as a plot device.

edit Reboot

  • Star Trek (2009) - From the director who brought you Mission Impossible III and the writer who brought you Transformers comes an exciting, edge of your seat, action-packed adventure film that follows the travels of the young crew of a starship as they fight to protect the planet Vulcan from a Romulan time-traveling psychopath hell-bent on taking revenge in the past for actions Spock took in the future which destroyed Romulus. A stern lesson in the blindness of revenge as the Romulan psychopath seems completely unaware that time travel would permit him to save Romulus.
  • Star Trek Into Darkness - An edge-of-your-seat, exciting, space action-adventure thriller certain to leave you thirsting for more. Spock is a blunt-affected PTSD victim struggling to come to terms with his neurotic, nagging, unprofessional, and narcissistic girlfriend Uhura, while Kirk and the crew of the USS Enterprise work to stop an evil Federation psychopath from Section 31 (Space CIA) who has decided to try to control the genetically advanced Khan (John Harrison) which (in Star Trek mythos) is like if the CIA tried to resurrect Hitler for his leadership skills. Lots of explosions, violence, one-liner jokes, and enough big studio profits certain to make Gene Roddenberry turn in his grave as he would never be guilty of making audiences cheer, laugh and clap.


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