Star Fox
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Star Fox is a classic video game series starring the characters Slippy Toad the toad, Falco Lombardi the most kickass mofo pimp around, Peppy Hare the hare, and Fox McCloud the.... Volkswagen car. Also, the character Krystal was recently added to the Star Fox team...yeah...she has boobs though, so it isn't all that bad.
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[edit] Point of the Game
The Lylat system is under attack by the evil Andross, the Chuck Norriss's pet monkey. While The Lylat system is busy sucking Starfox's dick, The other members of the crew are doing a barrel roll. The main point of Starfox Game is to constantly do a barrel roll in your ship and it rapes all the other enemys of you do it 10 times. If you do it 200 times it rapes everyone in the game and you get to see a scret porn scene with george bush and britney spears, with starfox doing a barrel roll and fucking your mom.
[edit] The Characters
Fox McCloud (Played by John Barrowman): The leader of the group. He's a fox. What more do you want? But for those fact-crazy freaks out there, here's the rest. He seems to have a "special" relationship with Krystal, even though she's a weird, blue-furred mutant that's probably the product of a cruel genetic experiment. Or, maybe he just wants to sex her up rather than Slippy. Or maybe he just loves Wolf but wants to keep his image (or he loves Kira "Zeus" Yamato instead of Wolf, who secretly loves Athrun Zala). He has trouble gaining the trust of the rest of the team, even though he managed to save all their asses in every single game. When he's not out saving the galaxy, he's scrummaging around in your bins for scraps of food. It's almost certain that Fox McCloud is an acid-head. While widely debated, it seems clear that anyone who claims to have defeated the galaxy's greatest villain in the form of a giant head while spacefolding through a psychedelic wormhole must have been taking some weird shit. Many claim this is where his name, 'McCloud', comes from... figure it out, dipshit. What, you high or something like Fox? Dirty druggie. Fox dies a horrible death in Ganbare Goemon 7.
008 (Played by Sean Bean): One of Fox's teammates, who does it with Krystal at every opprotunity. Krystal is the one who initiates the act, so it's OK. Is also a mad C++ programmer. Worked on his own video game at some point, but ultimately gave up because his computer kept giving him the BSOD. Maybe he should've tried not using Boolean Logic, Coors Light, and a Green Uno Card. Dies a horrible death by Yae in Ganbare Goemon 11 along with RestamSalucard.
James McCloud (Played by Eric Roberts): Donkey butt's father, who coincidently is the only one in any of the games to have a real name. There used to be another Star Ass team of which James was in, along with Pingas, a piggy, and I think someone else. I think they say in SA64 that he was killed by Andross, but in reality, James was always a zombie, and therefore, can never die, because was always dead. This would also explain why Ass's mother is never mentioned, as it is most likely that she was eaten, by said zombie dad. Probably in a traumatic incident that has scarred Ass for life. It's also keen to note that James McCloud still makes appearances, saving Ass and crew at the last minute then banking sharp turns in his zombie-wing-arwing, and somehow dissolving into the background while nobody (but the guy playing) seems to notice or care. Therefore, James McCloud is doomed to a lifetime sentence in the F-Zero Grand Prix where he manages to constantly get his ass kicked by Captain Falcon, but hey, he drives better than you!
Peppy Hare (Played by Tommy Lee Jones) - Although most people believe him to be a rabbit, there are others who hold to the conspiracy theory that he is really just Dr. Robotnik tempting to say the phrases "Do a barrel roll!" and "Use the brakes!" along with the occasional "Try a somersault!" and "Do a loop!" Other then giving obvious and unsolicited advice, he really has no real function in the Star Fox team, and should probably be shot down by Fox in an "accident." The only reason he's with the team is because he was the old leader, but was too fat and lazy to stop Fox's dad's death. Peppy also gives the greatest advice ever: Use bombs wisely. Quickly coined by Hitler, this was the secret to the Blitzkrieg tactic: only pressing B where they think the Europeans are hidings. Now works for Bill Gates as a Sergeant for Red Army. Peppy did not appear in Ganbare Goemon 7 because it is revealed he was actually Dr. Robotnik all along in disguise tempting to swindle Fox's trust over the years.
Slippy Toad (Played by Shia LaBeouf) - Slippy's gender is unknown, though many people agree that it is simply a hermaphrodite. Its prime function in the Star Fox team is to stupidly get itself cornered by the enemy, and then he asks Fox to fuck his...Um I mean, save his green little ass. Mystery surrounds the fact that in Star Fox 64 it sounded exactly like a little girl, yet in Star Fox: Assualt, it has a deep voice. Many believe it had some kinda operation involving a goat's testicles. Weird shit innit? In Starfox command Slippy marries Amanda, this was to try and prove to the others that he isnt gay, but it was soon discovered that amanda is infact a man. Thankfully dies in Ganbare Goemon 7(god, he deserved it).
Falco Lombardi (Played by Hayden Christensen) - Falco is a bird with an extremely large anti-social problem. No matter how many times Fox saves him from a bloody and fiery death, Falco just can't seem to suck up his pride and show Fox that he acknowledges his leadership. It's evident that he can really kick ass, but rather have his team mates keep their hands off his bread. Rumor has it that he stole Joey Wheeler's Brooklyn accent before the events in Assault. Also, anyone who disses Falco is a total fag. Period. He's that cool. Sadly, Falco self-destructed his arwing in a kamakaze attempting to destroy Goemon Impact in Ganbare Goemon 7 but failed and died beneath Impact's feet.
Krystal (Played by Kate Beckinsale) - Krystal is a fox with a fur problem and hails from Leichestershire (Hello, British accent?). She met Fox and team on her home planet of Dinosaur World (where coincidentally, "Land of the Lost" was filmed). The only help she gave to them was giving Fox a stick and convincing him to use it over his gun, and the only thing Fox really used said stick for was to 'SHAVE MY BABIES'. Although it's not known how she managed to get blue fur, the general theory is that she fell in a giant bucket of paint, which is coincidentally the same way Sonic the Hedgehog managed to get his coloring as well. Some believe she might be Jesus' Mary Magdelene to Sonic, but you'd have to read the Da Vinci Code to understand and you really don't want to do that. It's a little known fact that Krystal stole the metal bikini from Princess Leia and became a Lacus Clyne impersonator, opposite of Meer Campbell.
“Hey baby, are you a barrel roll? 'Cause I want to do you.”
Andross (Played by Neil Toynay) - Andross is the giant monkey head nemesis of the Star Fox team. He, like many other video game series villains, amazingly reappears after each and every game with a new but still uncreative master plan for getting what he wants (which usually includes, but is not limited to, destroying the world). Unlike most villains though, improvements in graphics quality makes Andross bigger and uglier than each previous installment but in the end, he is always just a big giant ugly Gorilla head.
General Pepper (Played by Nicholas Courtney) - A dog who is obviously cool because no one ever sees anything but his head. He is known to somehow direct traffic in many of the inhabited planets of the universe, and during his off time he makes up stories about the end of the universe, puts on an old general's uniform, and tells Fox where to go next. Most People (besides the Star Fox Team) believe that he is in cahoots with Andross in his plans. It's all a setup for both of them to make money. However, Pepper always has a second motive: to backstab Andross. He sends the Star Fox team after him, and when that giant gorilla is dead, reaps the rewards that Andross would have. A very cunning dog. Cousin named "Lasie", whom has been missing for several years, but was last seen heading towards a burning barn... After being saved by Fox and his team in Star Fox 64, he planned an elaborate award ceremony for the team and planned to make Fox an honorary Cornerian general. Fox "politely" declined the offer. As Sgt. Pepper, he was the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper and his Lonely Hearts Club Band troops!
“So I said "We are in your debt. I would be honored to-" but the son ofabitch interrupted me because of a phone call, and immediately left!”
~ General Pepper on Fox's decline.
R.O.B. 64 (Played by Nicholas Briggs) - R.O.B. is a seven foot tall robot with a very "original" name. He supposedly assists the Star Fox team in various ways, but these methods are never revealed. Because of this, a panel of individuals, led by Dan Brown, has come together for the sole purpose of figuring out the most insane theories as to what this character actually does. Some of the more notable theories, are: 1. That he does not actually help but is a spy for Andross hence the reason Andross always knows where and how to annoy you next, and 2. Peppy's sex slave.
“Where's R.O.B.? Come here you big boy, we're gonna do a barrel roll...”
~ Peppy Hare on why he hasn't quit his job.
Wolf O'Donnell (Played by James Marsters) - Wolf, Fox's cloned brother and the son of Rosie O'donnell, commands the Star Wolf team. They are fierce rivals, and drive-bys are quite common between the two of them. Star Wolf, unfortunately, never rose to the fame that Fox found, because he spent all his funds on getting a much more bad-ass theme song. When he's not fighting Star Fox (and he's hardly NOT fighting Star Fox, although recently he prefers to play-fight against Fox only because of powerplay), he's in his quarters, writing in his diary. What he writes in his diary is currently unknown, but it's safe to say that he could be writing about his gay love for Fox (& possibly Athrun Zala from Gundam SEED). He pilots the Wolfen, a ship with the ability to do palm readings. As for the Assault game, it is proven that Wolf is gay and Fox is going gay for him. This is further proven in the newest Smash Bros game, as Wolf has apparently watched too much Brokeback Mountain, and therefore sounds like a gay cowboy. His crouching position also shows his submissive side.
“I wish I knew how to quit you, Fox!”
~ Wolf O'Donnell on his relationship with Fox McCloud
Leon Powalski (Played by Brad Dourif) - Leon, a self-proclaimed sadist, is the only Jewish character in the Star Fox series. A chameleon, he had a traumatic childhood, because of the constant racial profiling - as the color of his skin changed frequently, he was subject to every discrimination. It is also widely accepted that his mental instability was a result of years of kitten huffing with Andross. He has auditioned repeatedly for the Blue Man Group, where he repeatedly gets in a fight with Tobias Foon-Gay. The reason for the change of voice from 64 to Assault is because at some point between the two games, his nutsack had been mysteriously sawed off. Rumor has it that Slippy was the recipient of said ballsack, which could explain its change of voice between the two games, as well... As of Smash Bros Brawl, Leon jumps out of the closet to reveal his real feelings - he is gay and a sadomasochist.
Panther Caruso (Played by Antonio Banderas) - A registered sex offender and a black Ricky Martin, he now flies for Star Wolf. Many people believe that he is straight, since he's constantly hounding Krystal, but just as many people believe otherwise. [it's called over-compensating, people] I mean, how many people do you know who wear THAT much purple spandex? Film credits include A Night In Paris, and several adult films. He has banged Krystal more than once though.
Katt Monroe (Played by Paris Hilton) - Marilyn Monroe, a public furry, was briefly married to a bobcat. Katt is her granddaughter. After Marilyn hit the big time and left the two alone, her father tried to raise her, but, being a bobcat, really didn't have many useful parenting skills. So Katt ran away to the Cornerian Academy, learned to pilot, and put her father in a kennel. She apparently has a history with Falco. They probably hooked up in the Stripper Academy. However, In a random comic that nobody has ever heard of because it was only released in Japan, Katt is revealed to be in love with Krystal when Krystal was still a man. Wow.
Miyu And Fay (Both played by Tama Twilight) - A Lynx (Miyu) And Whitedog (Fay) who never appeared in the series... yet.
Dash Bowman (Played by Wil Weaton) - Andross' adopted, effeminate Grandson. Unlike the rest of his family, he doesn't want to carry on the family tradition and try to take over the Lylat system. Instead, he wants to become a famous pop-star and have his own crappy sitcom series on TV. His idols include Hannah Montana and Chris Crocker. His interests include shoe-shopping, looking fabulous, wearing women's clothing and make-up, and recording videos under bedsheets and putting them up on YouTube.
“LEAVE KRYSTAL ALONE!!! YOU'RE LUCKY SHE CONFORMED TO YOU CORNERIAN BASTARDS!!!”
~ Dash Bowman on Krystal
Bill Grey (Played by Keanu Reeves) - An unpopular Cornerian pilot who gets even less screen time than Katt, and she HARDLY gets any screen time. He somehow gained a cult following on DeviantArt for some time before people started posting drawings of Lucario. After the events chronicled in Star Fox 64, he mysteriously disappeared, only to return during Command. By that time, he appeared to have mutated into a strange, kangaroo-like creature. No one knows how this happened to him, including Bill. Due to his new, hideous configuration, he's no longer popular at parties...not that he was very popular at parties to begin with.
Pigma Dengar (Played by Jack Black) - Pigma was once a member of the original Star Fox team who quit because Andross promised him a bucket of cash and a sexy midget. Pigma spends most of his nights cutting himself because he killed the midget after electing to take the top position when the two had sex. Pigma became severely depressed and gained about 400 pounds after he learned that Andross was going to use him as the main course for his postwar celebration. After he got kicked out of Star Wolf, Pigma joined the KKK but was quickly fired after he crushed his horse. It is rumored that Pigma actually has a second head tucked deep beneath the layers of his man tits. His whereabouts are unknown, but he was last seen getting turned into a giant version of his own face and then getting blown up less than a minute afterwards.
“Daddy screamed REAL good before he died!!!”
~ Pigma Dengar telling Fox how he raped James McCloud
Firefox - An internet browser who helps control the ship, but gets viruses and blows up at random times.
Amanda Bynes (Played by Herself) - Slippy's supposed female love interest. Had a movie career at some point, but it ultimately failed because no one liked her. Initially wanted Slippy to stay with her and raise a family underwater. Slippy was about to agree and stay with her, but Fox pulled him away because he still wanted Slippy on the team. Why he did is still unknown to this day. Perhaps he doesn't want Amanda to find out that her love interest is a transgender.
Dylan 'The Ruffian' Johnson (Played by John Simm) - Evil monkey that runs a gas station, hotel and bar by Sector Y. Suffered a concussion at the age of eight and continues to think he's stuck in a rap video. Rumored to work as an agent for various hit-men, including Boba Fett, Wolf O'Donnell, and Samus Aran.
“If you have not realized, you imbeciles have intruded on Wolf O'Donnell's district. We haven't heard of this Pigma Dengar you speak of, nor any other rapscallion. But since you say you are Star Fox, I am afraid I cannot permit you to leave. Awake, you lethargic rabble! We are to decorticate this Canine and his entire collaborate. Retrieve additional personnel, with haste!”
~ "The Ruffian" on Fox's Questioning
“Don't you idiots know, this is Wolf O'Donnell's territory. We ain't heard of no Pigma or any other fool. But now we know you're Star Fox, you ain't going nowhere. Get up, you lazy scum! Let's skin this Fox and his whole crew. Get more guys up here, come on!”
~ American Translator on the above quote
[edit] Games Released
Starwing / Starfox - The first Super Nintendo game to have real-time origami graphics. Nintendo hired a professional Japanese paper folder to create all the shapes in the game.
Starfox 2 - This was like Star Fox Command, except it didn't suck. Unfortunately, Nintendo lost the programing inside their pile of Yoshi merchandise so didn't release it
Star Fox 64 / Lylat Wars - The first and only Star Fox game released on the N64. It was also the first game in the series to include actual voices to go along with the talking heads inside the game.
Star Fox Adventures - The first game to feature the Star Fox Team in a 3D world, and use an adventure mode as opposed to the usual level style. It was also just about the billionth game where the Star Fox Team had to battle Andross in the form of a giant head. This was also the game where Krystal made her first appearance. However, she gets kidnapped at the beginning (which is a good thing, cause otherwise Fox would of been out of a job) leading to the most original plot in video games ever. After 5 hours playing this game, you will be thoroughly convinced that this game is just a repackaged Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (albeit with the odd Ar-wing level.)
Shortly after this game came out, Nintendo was accused by Carrie Fisher of theft.
“That blue fox witch stole my metal bikini! I've been looking for that thing since Return of the Jedi: Ultra Special Redone Ewok Director's Cut 2.0!”
~ Carrie Fisher on Krystal.
“For the last time, I didn't steal that metal bikini! Anything that old bag lady says is a lie!”
~ Krystal on Carrie Fisher's Lawsuit.
Star Fox Assault - The first game in a trilogy of epic storylines, the one presented in this contains Focks Mcdonalds in sexy mega armor fighting the evil Raparoids, known for causing pain to all. As the game progresses, characters start showing signs of madness, such as Tepid Hair shouting out "LAWL IM ALIVE SOMEHOW" multiple times.
The game was considered underrated by many who actually played it, because those who gave it bad reviews (see: Shitheads) never played it, and only complained about the camera, which stems from when they saw somebody on drugs having trouble with it. It was considered best game of all time, and immediately titled "Widel Rosco's Game of the Eternity". It was released later, in a heavily edited format, in the confederate states as "Kennedy Kowerting Kanyon's Shooting Spree", in which the entire game consists of drinking hot coffee and being abused by character "Krapsail" in bed whilst drinking said coffee. This version is known for having absolutely nothing to do with it's name, which is wordplay on Darth Vader.
Star Fox Command - This is the first Star Fox game on a portable, the Nintendo DS. Andrew Oikonny summons a Giant Enemy Crab to take over the galaxy. The worst part of this game was the new crappy 'Great Fox', as there was nothing 'Great' about it (thanks Peppy!). This is the first game where you command Falco to have super sex with a cat named Katt. In one ending, Fox and Wolf finally get it on, get married, move to Tokyo, and have a freaky wolf-fox hybrid son, only to get eaten by Godzilla during its weekly attack. 008 then destroys Godzilla, only to be crushed when he respawns on top of him.
Kursed - In this spin off game designed by Valve and written by Frank Miller, Kursed is set in a parallel universe where Fox admitted to Krystal that he was gay for Falco all along. Disillusioned by this revelation, Krystal becomes a street whore under the alias "Kursed" (OMG IT'S THE TITLE). Pimped by Dylan "The Ruffian", Kursed must battle "unsatisfied" customers, a Star Wars Clone Trooper, the homeless, a rival ho and other unnoticed furry characters.
Star Wolf - Following the wide success of Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Nintendo Wii, Nintendo believed it could capatalize on one of the characters who actually did not appear in the subspace emissary portion of the game (and hes lucky he wasnt in the Subspace Emissary, that part sucked). The game Star Wolf was created where you play as Fox's rival Wolf O'Donnell. The game is based off of pre-lylat wars leading up to the defeat of Andross, but with an alternate storyline (kind of like the Legend of Zelda series, but easier to follow along). As Wolf, you have to rampage through the Lylat system, saving over planet by planet and getting to WTFBBQPWN signature characters like Katt and Bill. The game comes down to two possible showdowns on either Venom, where you must eliminate evil forces of Ganon or the final attack on Corneria where you destroy the remaining Cornerian Army. In this timeline, Count Onkeld and Fox and his team are forced to work in the slave mines of Kessel.
Shadows of Lylat - A new game in development by fanboy programmers, Shadows of Lylat is the first Star Fox game for the Computer. Set before Star Fox Adventures, the plot probably has something to do with the swarming mass of Vasta Narada that has infected your computer screen, hidden in all this black lettering. If you have not already been eaten alive, it is recommended you count the shadows you are casting and comparing them to the various light sources. If there is any numerical discrepancy, RUN FOR YOUR F*CKING LIFE!!!
 Hey, Who Turned Out The LightsThis previous entry was a swarming mass of Vashta Nerada. We probably should have told you earlier. For that, we're sorry; we're so sorry. |
Starfox - A game that ultimately has little do to with the said Starfox franchise, but was inexplicably given the same name. No relation whatsoever.
[edit] Barrel Rolls
The real point of the Star Fox game is to press the "R" or "Z" button twice repeatedly to spin in a large circle which can magicly deflect lasers. If you notice Peppy says "Do a Barrel Roll" many times during this games gripping and action-packed story line. If you barrel roll 500 times in one level, if will automatically warp to the secret level where you are out of your ship and meet celebrities such a Henry Winkler, The guy from that show and Masahiro Sakurai. Plus as a bonus Megan Fox will appear in your bed. So get out there and DO A BARREL ROLL!!!
[edit] See also:
It is also noted that Star Wolf can aslo use barrel rolls, but only in their vastly superoir Wolfens 2s, which always beat down Arwings and Bill.
