Stapler

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MiltonStapler

Duh

“I believe you have my stapler?”
~ Milton Waddams on his prized red Swingline

“As a matter of fact, I do!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Milton's stapler

“If they take my stapler, I'll have to set the building on fire”
~ Milton Waddams on his prized red Swingline
“You gonna eat that?”
~ Peter Griffin on Staplers
“WHY THE HELL IS MY DAMN STAPLER IN JELLO?”
~ Dwight Schrute on staplers

A stapler is a device or mechanism used for the attaching of paper sheets to one another, via the medium of small metallic metal strips. This is known as the Cake/Biscuit Uncertainty Principle. Staplers were first

Mechanics

The stapler utilizes a short channel of microscopic, magnetically charged coils to launch a projectile. In the case of the stapler, it launches a staple, which is a small metallic . The device is charged both kinetically and via the warmth from one's hand. The device is discharged by squeezing it. The staple will be launched from the hole in the end of the stapler at a high velocity. It is powerful enough to drive the staple through your fingers, so you should probably avoid this unless you are Bat Fuck Insane.

As the stapler utilizes small metallic ∩ for projectiles, it is considered an evil device. There is confusion as to whether it is really ∩ returned, or just a metalwork representation of it. The art of making small metallic ∩s (or staples) is dead; no one has made staples by hand since the dark ages. All staplers are red and must be a Swingline, otherwise people might burn down the building.

The stapler is a close relative of the mousetrap.

History

Staplers were invented in 1908 by Czar Nicholas II of Russia while vacationing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. He felt that current devices for locating gold and attaching two pieces of paper together were inadequate. Therefore, together with Otto von Bismarck and Robert Redford he created a stapler using a piece of bark from a pine tree and sixteen pelts of badger fur. It was discovered that badger fur had a boiling point of 32 degrees. This would severely limit the effectiveness of the device. To fix this, Bismarck called his friend Jesus to come and bless the fur, and thus increase its boiling point. However Jesus wanted his Grateful Dead 8-tracks back from Otto before he would come. Bismarck agreed, gave Jesus back his 8-tracks and our Lord and Saviour blessed the pelts. The stapler was finally completed and unveiled to the world the day before Czar Nicholas II was assassinated by Fransisco Scaramanga.

Power Struggle

With Niholas dead, Robert Redford and Otto von Bismarck were in a predicament. Nicholas had not mentioned the stapler in his will, and neither men truly knew who owned the patent. Bismarck realized that there was only one way to solve this problem; a battle to the death in Mel Gibson's Thunder Dome (off the coast of San Francisco).

Bismarck vs. Redford: fight of the century

Both men, On their way to the dome, descended upon Australia crushing 100s. Then, Bismarck initiated combat with a stunning melee attack on Redford. This only angered Redford, and he countered with a deadly uppercut punch and blasts from his energy rays. Bismarck spawned missile launchers from his back and fired them at Redford who went flying out of the ring. Bismarck won and was given sole manufacturing rights for the stapler and the missile launcher.

Bismarck's Factory

Bismarck now set about building a massive plant in Wisconsin. After finishing the plant, which looked nice in his garden, he demolished an orphanage and built a factory to produce the stapler. The facility would only employ children aged 5-12. The kids would spend their 12 hour shifts crawling into machines with very large knives and hammers. Staplers sold well and Bismarck became a very wealthy man. He died in 2018 in the arms of his wife.

Psst...

Bismarck, Robert Redford and Czar Nicholas II are clones of the actual men who appear on this website.

Early staplers

A little known fact is that staplers reached the moon before humans. They did this by making a large ladder of staples and then proceeding to climb it. As the staplers proceeded to climb to the moon they realised they had a problem ... well actually two problems. 1. they couldn't talk so when they got to the moon they couldn't say anything to the camera they just bought to film this amazing feat. and, 2. who in their right mind would believe that staplers were the first to reach the moon without them actually saying it on camera rather then just climbing to the moon on staples and showing a nice smile to the camera as they attempted to push a staple into the moon's crusty surface. It is also a known fact that this story is an absolute load of (insert term for poo here).

Staplers have also evolved from silver insides to golden insides. This may have been caused by the amount of cheese they consumed whilst upon the moon.

As a Weapon

Staplers are considered lethal weapons in Canada. I am not shitting you. The cops will kill you if you pull one on them.

See also

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