Stapler

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MiltonStapler

A modern office worker senses that the same forgetful cubicle-mate has again come to "borrow" his stapler.

“If they take my stapler, I'll have to set the building on fire.”
~ Milton Waddams on his prized red Swingline

A stapler is a device that attaches paper sheets to one another, using small metallic metal strips known as 's. The stapler was the first industrial use of the hairy ball theorem.

edit Mechanics

The stapler utilizes a short channel of microscopic, magnetically charged coils to launch a projectile. In the case of the stapler, it launches a staple, which is a small metallic . The small metallic projectiles may be actual ∩'s, or merely metalwork representations of them. This is a comparable debate to whether banknotes are money or merely "claim checks" for money. In any case, the art of making small metallic ∩s is dead. No one has made staples by hand since the dark ages.

The stapler (meaning the device) is discharged by squeezing it. The staple is launched from the hole in the end of the stapler at a high velocity. Staplers (still meaning the device) are sufficiently powerful to drive the ∩ through a finger, at which point it becomes a ∪, and at which point ∪ become a hurting puppy. The stapler (meaning the operator) should therefore take care that his fingers are on the right part of the stapler (back to meaning the device).

edit History

Staplers were invented in 1908 by Czar Nicholas II of Russia while vacationing in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. He felt that current devices for locating gold and attaching two pieces of paper together were inadequate. Therefore, together with Otto von Bismarck and Robert Redford, he created the first stapler using a piece of bark from a pine tree and sixteen pelts of badger fur.

The use of badger fur severely limited the effectiveness of the device. It also threatened to kill the European market for staplers, as no one wanted to bind two sheets of paper together badly enough to open a badger farm. Bismarck prayed to Jesus to bless the project, but Jesus wanted his Grateful Dead 8-tracks returned first. Bismarck found the 8-tracks in his larger suitcase, and our Lord and Saviour blessed the pelts. The stapler was finally completed and unveiled to the world. Fatefully, the next day, Czar Nicholas II would be assassinated and "the whole world would be watching" that instead.

edit Power struggle

With Nicholas dead, Robert Redford and Otto von Bismarck were in a predicament. Nicholas had not mentioned the stapler in his will, and neither men truly knew who owned the patent. Bismarck realized that there was only one way to solve this problem — a battle to the death in Mel Gibson's Thunder Dome (off the coast of San Francisco).

Bismarck initiated combat with a stunning melee attack on Redford. This only angered Redford, and he countered with a deadly uppercut punch and blasts of energy rays from his lazor eyes. Bismarck spawned missile launchers from his back and fired them at Redford who went flying out of the ring. Bismarck won and was given sole manufacturing rights for the stapler and the missile launcher. That is why his family owns them to this day.

edit Bismarck's Factory

Bismarck now set about building a massive plant in Wisconsin. After finishing the plant, which looked nice in his garden, he built a factory to produce the stapler. The facility employed children aged 5-12, who spent their 12-hour shifts crawling into machines with very large knives and hammers. Staplers sold well and Bismarck became a very wealthy man — until he married the Widow Swingline and her family schemed to take control of the business.

edit Early staplers

Staplers reached the moon before humans. They did this by making a large ladder of staples, on the principle of the Slinky, and then proceeding to climb it. Unfortunately, on reaching the moon with its lack of atmosphere, there was no way to say anything — not even "Cheese" — in preparation to take a selfie of the proud moment.

For this reason, these details of the history of the stapler are found on no other reference websites.

edit See also

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