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Balsamic People's Republic of Stanistan
|Motto: "We're the Stan that Can!"|
|Anthem: "Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan, Stanitistaaannn!"|
|Official language(s)||Stanistani, Russian, English with a Boston Accent|
|Supreme Overstan||Stan Istan|
|National Hero(es)||Kostya Tszyu|
|Currency||SHF (Screaming Horse Fly), Zebra Teeth|
|Religion||Tsathogguan Orthodox Church|
The Balsamic People's Republic of Stanistan (not to be confused with Stannahstan) is a central Asian country which is precisely the same size and shape as Tajikistan, but exists two miles beneath that nation. The subterranean country was once part of the vast entity that was the Soviet Onion, but following the fall of Berlin Church Hall in 1889 Stanistan declared independence under the leadership of ex-S.P.E.C.T.R.E. agent Oqil Oqilovovovovor. Nasty, brutish and very short - Oqilovovovovor ruled with an iron fist for over two hundred minutes and his disastrous economic policies resulted in the crash of the Stock Market in 1890, which resulted in a movement to rename the country Stanistanistan.
Stanistani, Stanistanian or Stanish?
Actually, it doesn't matter. The three words are used indistinctively. People from Stanistan call themselves "Stütsls", that is Stanish for "Stanian" and Stanistani for "Stanistanian". Russians usually refer to them as "Midgets", and Mongols refer to them as "Retarded Jackrabbits that Stole Our Land".
Humans have inhabited Stanistan since the dawn of creation, but since the country was hidden from view for so long, nobody knew that they were there and some Africans claimed that they were the first people on earth. An alternate belief suggested by the Rhododendronists was that Stanists were the children of the Holy Flower Seeds of the Divine Gardener.
Stanistan takes its name from Stan, the first man to ever have lived there. In 1976 the then military dictator of Stanistan, his highness Badasz Nobpulov embarked on a disastrous and foolhardy military escapade to conquer the neighbouring territory of Gondwanaland. The campaign was an unmitigated disaster with over seven Stanistanis losing their wallets and the Commander-in-Chief of the army accidentally being swapped for some magic beans. Gondwanaland emerged as the victors in the eighteen year conflict and successful captured a disused railway station and Stanistans only working tractor. The war also made a catastophe for the land of Oz since it took away the only trade route to do business with Stanistan.
After American forces were discovered dumping the corpses of insurgents on the Stanistani frontier, the UN Security Panel voted unanimously to invade the country on the grounds of harboring terrorists. Strangely enough, Stanistan was a member on the panel during this vote but the delegate representing the country was, reportedly, "quite pissed" that they cheated him out of riding on a private plane. The war lasted an hour and forty nine minutes, according to to the U.S. Defense Secretary's stopwatch. After six months of trying to establish a newer, more solid democracy in the region, allied UN forces promptly up-and-left after Darth Vader took the nation of Zimbertebrae hostage and demanded a supply of corn oil.
Stanistan reflects a geography of entirely underground as a result of the disastrous Hurricane Stan. After Stan hit a cemetery in Guatemala, thousands of bodies were recovered with more still being found daily. The rulers of Stanistan sought to avoid a similar fate for their people, hiding by moving the entire country underground in much the same way that No Orleans is hidden from oncoming storms by being located underwater.
Because of this move, Stanistan has a flourishing underground economy, increase in Magic Points, a vociferous underground press and a population largely sheltered from the effects of Hurricane Stan. However, they are closer to Hell than most other countries.
Due to their subterranean lifestyle, the inhabitants of Stanistan are now completely white, hairless and have lost the power of sight. They have overcome this problem however, by keeping their eyes shut and drawing pretend eyes onto their eyelids. There are four sexes in Stanistan, the only country in the world to have this situation: men, women, wen and momen. As such with the four peoples they needed a religion for themselves and as the soviet onion had followed the crispianity religion and Turkmenistan the Islamb religion the Stanistanians decided to follow the Wohnzimmer. Just to be different really...
No animals exist in Stanistan apart from some of those blind fish that pot-holers know about. And also completely white frogs who have all converted to Judaism.
The economy of Stanistan is driven by the mining of treacle from the vast reserves that exist just below the surface. This is then sold to other nations in the Underworld who provide the Stanistanis with various products such as coconuts, scratchards, bubble-wrap and pine cones. CIA agents have revealed a plot to open up a secret treacle refining plant just outside the capital. Treacle would then be refined into what is commonly known as "crack", then sold to tourists, and visiting aliens.
The currency of Stanistan is the screaming house fly, which is caught by opening your mouth really wide and inhaling, which is why the Stanistanese language is mainly short bursts of exhales and inhales. The screaming housefly value is determined on how loud and how often it screams, recently leading to a slight depression in Stanistan as vows of silence have broken out among the jerks and the trendies of the screaming housefly population.
Famous Stanish People
- Chilean poet Pablo Neruda became a Stanish citizen in 1970.
- Canadian good guy, Stan Beranek became a citizen of Stanistan in 2008.
- Stan-Stan the Sanitary Stan.
- Norman Stanley Fletcher. Political prisoner in Great Britain.
- Sonic the Hedgestan.
- Stalin Mk II
- Stand by Your Stan by Stanley Wynstanley.
- I Can't Stan The Rain - Various Stan fans.
- I Wanna Be Your Stan - The Rolling Stans.
- The Stan-Stan as performed by the National Orchestra of Stanistan.
- A Farrago. A sad dance in the traditional way of Stanistan in which a woman
castrates her husband. (Billie Shears).