Joseph Stalin

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[[Image:Stalinman01.jpg|thumb|right|230px|Joseph Stalin:The original Man of Steel.]]
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{{Communists}}
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{{Q|Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true|Everyone|Capitalism}}
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{{Q|Capitalism is the worst form of social organization, except for all the others that have been tried|Winston S Churchill|Capitalism}}
   
{{Q|[[Atheism|There is no God]]. Except me that is.|Josef Stalin}}
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[[Image:capitalism.jpg|thumb|right|300px|A die hard capitalist out for a walk]]
A true story<ref>Well..</ref>. '''Stalin''' (1878-1953) was the original model for ''[[Superman]]''. The alien from Krypton, created American-born writer Jerry Siegel and Canadian-born American artist Joe Shuster in 1932, the comic Superman was originally drawn with a walrus like moustache and wore a peaked cap. Whether this was a joke or a play on Stalin's name which means 'steel' in [[Russian]] is not exactly known but within a year the cartoon's features were altered to resemble the now familiar jut-jawed hero with the slicked down black hair and thrusting, clean-cut profile. However, the cape, underpants and boots stayed 'revolutionary red' and certainly the supposed link between Superman and the Soviet leader were enough for [[FBI|Edgar.J.Hoover]] to set up a secret unit to check on any signs of communist subversion in the comic art industry.
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==Georgia on my mind==
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'''Capitalism''' derives its roots from the Latin word "capital" meaning "head" and "ism" meaning "gooey, cheese like substance." It was created by a group of men calling themselves the "justification league." Capitalism has been misunderstood by the left and right of the political spectrum: Capitalism's ultimate purpose is to allow those born into luxury to justify to themselves that they deserve it, and to give those not born into luxury a life purpose to dismiss those creating wealth as 'oppressors'. It Can Also Mean The Study and Worship Of Capital Letters.
[[Image:Banditostalin.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Stalin's 'bandito' phase.]]
 
To understand Stalin you have to recognise that he started out in life as '''Ioseb (Joseph) Besarionis dze Jughashvili''', born in a backwater's backwater in 1878 in Georgia, then part of the [[Russian]] Empire. He spoke Georgian, a language so tough for outsiders to understand and write (as they had their own alphabet too) that Joseph took years trying to downplay his obvious outsider status. Stalin only started to learn Russian when he was 12 and it was a language he was never fully at ease with. He kept his native language only for his most immediate cronies if they came from Georgia but otherwise Stalin had nothing but contempt for his native tongue.
 
   
Known at this time as Jughashvili, Stalin trained to be a priest but he was forever getting into trouble. His looks at this time also marked him out, the large shock of thick black hair and narrow eyes made it difficult for him to hide or blend in. In other times Jughashvili/Stalin's wild looks would have earned him a life as a career criminal but by chance he read a newspaper article about a certain [[Lenin]] and his call for a new society based on socialism and finger wagging. This appealed to Stalin who around this time adopted his mock-heroic moniker<ref> He was also known as Koba-Kola as he fizzed a lot when speaking in Russian.</ref>. Joseph liked the sound of Stalin which promised hardness and an anticipation of the industrial revolution then hitting Russia. It was a name that drew strength from the past but also looked ahead to the future.
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Capitalism is a system of [[economics]] that entails the rights of the elite to control the means of production and enslave the workers, with limited state control and judicially preserved property "rights." This system rewards those who create what the [[market]] is demanding, even if the market is demanding more videos of Tara Reid's deformed nipple slip or microwavable cheese products. You have to be a douchebag and a sellout willing to step on the meek to get anywhere.
   
==Meet the Bolsheviks==
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One of the remarkable aspects of Capitalism is how a great diversity of businesses are started and the massive number of them that fail miserably, yet how many morons keep believing that they will be millionaires at any moment through infomercials or cleverly placed classified advertisements.
[[Image:Lenin10.jpg|thumb|right|270px|'It's a letter from Trotsky. He says don't start the revolution without him.']]
 
Since the revolutionaries were always on the run or getting arrested and sent to Siberia, Stalin had no chance to meet Lenin or any other of the leaders of the movement he had got to know about in the newspapers and the WANTED posters. He wanted to be part of their world but to do that, he had to leave Russia for the first time.
 
   
The only safe place for the rebels to meet, smoke, drink and argue was outside Russia. The Tsarist government was always badgering other countries not to give any help to these 'subversives' but for the [[British]] this was no problem. A long standing mood of Russophobia since the [[Charge of the Light Brigade|Crimean War]] and other conflicts had made the British sympathetic to anyone who wanted to cause problems for the government of Tsar Nicholas II. So it was in [[London]] that Stalin first met Lenin and the strange, hyperactive Leon [[Trotsky]] who spoke excitedly whilst wheeling his arms like a mad windmill. Stalin and Trotsky took an instant and profound dislike to each other.
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Capitalism is generally opposed by people who feel a moral opposition to having to work. Most of these traitors are [[Hippies|hippie]] college students who fellate [[Noam Chomsky]] and think Che Guevara is the one cool guy from [[Rage Against the Machine]]. When mommy and daddy don't buy you a car, it is oppression upon the proletariat!
   
Stalin's distinct discomfort of sharing anything with Trotsky got a lot better when the 'Russian Social Democrats' (their fake name the Communists liked to use so that they could book halls and back rooms in pubs for their interminable discussions) split into two groups. Those who supported Lenin were called Bolsheviks (Russian for ''Majority'') whilst Trotsky went with the rival Mensheviks (''Minority'') - both names given to the other as insults at a particularly angry meeting even though the Mensheviks had more members. For tax deductible reasons, the Bolsheviks and Mensheviks kept up a public face of unity to outsiders so that they looked like a strong and united 'workers party' but in private, the two factions played cruel political tricks on each other. This was made worse when the Tsarist secret police placed a few agents in there as well to keep the pot boiling. Years later Trotsky suggested Stalin was one of these, learning how to undermine and destroy an organisation with methods (if not the outcome) witnessed with the Soviet Communist party in the 1930s.
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The pivotal text for understanding Capitalism is Adam Smith's "The Wealth of Nations", which outlined how capitalism would inevitably result in the rise of empires, the growth in free trade, and the mysterious career of [[Sarah Palin]]. In the book, Smith also outlines the hidden costs of tariffs and [[taxes]] that limit national growth and how this would inevitably lead to [[reality television]].
   
By going with Lenin at this early stage, Stalin was earning himself future Bolshevik brownie points. This came in very handy with his future struggle with Trotsky who had stuck with the Mensheviks and then went solo at the start of World War One. Trotsky only got back in with Lenin when the latter returned to Russia in 1917, a fact Stalin liked to remind everyone at party meetings.
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== But first.. ==
   
Compared to the well read Lenin and the multi-talented Trotsky, Stalin really looked just like hired Bolshevik muscle. In return Stalin thought his party colleagues were 'cafe bar talkers' and preferred a more direct approach, assassinating opponents or arranging bank heists to raise party funds. Fed up, Stalin got arrested<ref>Or was that arranged? All evidence has now disappeared.</ref> and dispatched to Siberia to dig snow with his bare hands like a polar bear.
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==First World War==
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== Before Capitalism ==
[[Image:Delegates01.jpg|thumb|left|300px|Stalin kept this photo for his Christmas card list. The letters attached the individuals in this photo reflects their status in 1945. Those with D were dead, L for living and S for shot. The following year Kalinin (the other 'alive' man in this photo) was also dead, possibly by suicide when he accidently walked in front of soldiers practising their firing squad skills.]]
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[[Image:Delhi-wastedump.jpg|thumb|right|332px|Beneficiaries of the ''[[trickle-down economics]]'' of a capitalist society. (notice capitalist looking for copyright infringement)]]
When war was declared against [[Germany]] and [[Austria-Hungary]], Stalin volunteered for the Russian airforce<ref>There wasn't one in 1914.</ref>. Despite his revolutionary activies, the great hero of the future was rejected for military service as he was in bad health and minus a lot of teeth. Stalin - with his genius for remembering faces - would many years later have all those who had said he was 'unfit' shot without trial. But perhaps Stalin should have thanked them instead. At least he wasn't sent to [[Poland]] to share the fate of Russian armies who were crushed and destroyed in a number of set piece battles.
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Prior to the advent of Capitalism, several other economic systems had been employed by the many anthropologically stimulating civilizations of the ancient world. Such systems are easily distinguishable from capitalism despite the fact that they were also primarily concerned with the problem of [[capital]].
   
Now discharged from Siberia, Stalin was allowed to return from internal exile and moved to St.Petersburg. There he lived with an old friend Vyacheslev who was running a secret explosive apertifs distillery One of the drinks 'the Molotov Cocktail' was designed to undermine the Russian war effort by diverting materials required to make armaments into lethal vodka beverages which were served in the exclusive clubs where Russian generals liked to unwind and unbutton their uniforms after fighting against the Central Powers. A series of explosions led to the closure of Molotov's cocktail business but by then it was too late for the Tsarist government, a revolution had broken out and Tsar Nicholas II was deposed.
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The primary difference between Capitalism and other economic systems is that other systems revolve around the institution of [[slavery]]--the practice of forcing individuals to work under threat of physical harm, or even death. In a capitalist society, however, individuals work '''voluntarily''' in order to avoid [[Terminator|termination]]. Or death by starvation.
   
As Stalin was one of the few Bolshevik leaders to be in Russia (Lenin was in exile in Switzerland and Trotsky in the USA trying to earn extra money as an actor), he was elected by his fellow revolutionaries to be in charge of the committees to keep pressure on the new Russian government. It was here that Stalin grew to love the intricacies of running an organisation with a faceless bureaucratic ruthlessness he was use much later on. In this way Stalin differed so much from his later rivals [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] whose only pre-dictatorship job had been that of as an incendiary writer of Italian tabloid gutter news sheets and [[Adolf Hitler]] who had loafed around Austria and Bavaria with his arse hanging out of his rancid leather shorts, living off cakes, pastries and sticky Viennese buns.
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Should an individual choose to work, he or she is sometimes rewarded with the means to feed, clothe, and/or shelter him or herself. Usually however, not. In exceptional circumstances, individuals may also be assigned a [[physician]]. In most circumstances however, they become the butt of jokes of middle-class teenagers, who have just finished reading Ayn Rand's "Fountainhead" and think its a documentary.
   
==Revolution Part Two==
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== Practices of Capitalism ==
[[Image:Deadlenincake.jpg|thumb|right|230px|Lenin's body was donated to catering. A waxwork was placed in his tomb.]]
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{{Philosophy}}
The war in 1917 hadn't improved for the new Russian Republic and their decision to carry on fighting annoyed the Germans. This growing mood for withdrawl encouraged Stalin and the other Bolsheviks to persuade Lenin to return. When Lenin finally appeared (thanks to the Germans supplying him a one way ticket), he urged that the time for a second (workers) revolution was now needed to supplant the earlier 'bourgeois' one. Some of the other Bolsheviks were unsure with the speed of the timetable but Stalin agreed to Lenin's plan. So when eventually a second revolution in 1917 overthrew the government of Alexander Kerensky, Stalin volunteered to 'defend the new regime' in the south. He was told to organise the defence of Tsaritsyn against the White Armies. It was here where Stalin's naked steel was revealed for the first time. Those who opposed Stalin were therefore counter revolutionaries and liable to be shot. Lenin and Trotsky agreed that ''all necessary methods are required to defend the Workers and Peasants''...Stalin understood this clearly enough. Anyone not a friend of him or Lenin was a dead man (or woman) walking. Stalin was happy to make that decision.
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A day in the life of the average capitalist begins with being woken up by their butlers. Followed by eating a breakfast prepared by their personal chef. After this, the capitalist is driven to work by his valet, where he will sit at a desk while his secretary answers the phone calls of the foreman who oversees the hundreds of workers building the tower which will bear his name. The capitalist himself can't do these things because he's too busy bitching about how lazy people on welfare are.
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====Variations on Capitalism====
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[[Normal|Standard]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a
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bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and
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retire on the income while the cows can't afford health care.
   
Certainly by so firmly nailing himself as an active revolutionary, Stalin was in great danger if the Bolshevik revolution failed. The Russian empire had dissolved and a restoration of the Tsar was always a possibility. But if Stalin had learnt anything was that installing fear in your own side - plus a network of efficient spies - would see you win. And so it was proved, the White Russians were defeated and the Tsar and his family massacred. Stalin had meantime become General Secretary of the Communist Party and responsible for making appointments. He would often choose the most illiterate or thuggish for the job, his long running distrust of any new Trotsky emerging even lead to Lenin making objections about some of the choices. But in 1922 Lenin suffered his first stroke and now remained hidden from the Russian people as he underwent 'recovery'. Stalin was often round for tea but as he outlined his plan to run the Soviet Union in the spirit of [[Ivan the Terrible]], the more Lenin grew afraid his colleague was going to destroy the gains of the revolution. Killing or exiling political enemies were fine but Lenin couldn't fail to notice how Stalin's eyes blazed when he spoke of Trotsky. In the end there was nothing Lenin could do, another stroke finished him off for good in 1924. The Father of the Russian Revolution was dead, which of his revolutionary 'sons' would succeed?
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[[Africa|African]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them because they used to belong to white colonists. No one feeds them and they starve to death. Then you starve to death.
   
==Joe v Leon==
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[[Alcoholic]] Capitalism: You have 23 flying pink cows that breathe rainbow fire. You ride them to the Chocolate Factory and explode.
[[Image:Trotskystalin.jpg|thumb|left|230px|Trotsky's rumpled revolutionary look was easily trumped by Stalin's drab army uniform.]]
 
   
Trotsky should have got the top revolutionary job when Lenin died but he judged that perhaps his mad professor look would not go down well with dour sense of humour the Russians normally exhibited to anyone who looked like him. Probably Trotsky also didn't want it either, hoping that very soon there would be a world revolution and the job of Universal Liberator/Leader/Dictator would be his. Russia was a peasant backwater to Trotsky, useful only as a bastion against the 'capitalists and fascists'.
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[[Air America]] Capitalism: You have two bankrupt cows no one listens to.
   
In contrast, all Stalin held was the job of General Secretary of the Communist Party which the other former Bolshevik leaders had viewed as now unimportant. After all, the other political parties at the time of the revolution had been banned, chased out of the country or shot so there seemed little point in running a party when there
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[[USA|American]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull (for rodeo), and force the
would be no more contested elections. They also quite liked their new jobs and were largely unenthusiastic about firing up a new revolution anywhere. Trotsky just seemed to much trouble to follow right now..even communists needed down time they considered.
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other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead, you put the blame on socialism and you invade another country to search for more cows.
   
So Stalin cleverly isolated Trotsky as a 'cosmopolitan lunatic'<ref> Code for Jew.</ref> and contrasted this with his own virtues as solidly proletarian and heroic.
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[[Hillbillies|America Post Reagan]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You have sex with them hoping to find a herd of half-human / half-cow animals that will be able to milk themselves. This unfortunate misunderstanding about where babies come from was brought about by a lack of sex education and the teaching of intelligent design in your high school. Unaware that only closely evolutionary related animals can breed, your plan fails. And the bank forecloses on you. You spend the rest of your life blaming it all on the government, taxes and 'socialized-medicine'. You attend town hall meetings with other cow owners to shout loudly about how the government ruined your 'perfectly viable business', while the rest of the planet quietly laughs and learns Chinese.
Trotsky's friends fell away and by 1928 the leader of the Red Army in 1919 had been reduced to looking after the Kremlin's car park. Even that was too much for Stalin who arranged for his rival to go away on a holiday and simply told Trotsky's chauffeur to keep on driving until they dumped him across the border in [[Turkey]]. Trotsky's passport was ripped up and he lost all rights to go back or collect a communist pension.
 
   
==Front Men and Plans==
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[[Apple]] Inc. Capitalism: You have two [[iCow|iCows]] whose iMilk you sell at an unnecessarily high iPrice, yet people still buy it in record iNumbers just because they believe it's ''iCool''. Then, you buy a company that makes multi touch interfaces, and install them on the offspring of your current iCows, creating a new, better iMilk that is better than any other "normal" milk. Unfortunately, your market share doesn't grow because there are fans of "regular" milk that remember the short-fallings of your old iMilk and think that you haven't improved it.
[[Image:Stalin02.jpg|thumb|right|260px|Shocking! The quality of early Soviet photoshopping was appalling. The original photo is on the left, the censored version on the right.]]
 
Stalin had removed his great rival and Lenin's old comrades had let him do it, even when some knew Lenin had scrawled ''Stalin is a Georgian Shit'' all over his Last Will and Testament (First Version). Moreover, Stalin knew that his other old comrades like Nikolai Bukharin and Grigory Zinoviev both still considered him an uncouth pig shit shoveller and could perhaps one day bring Trotsky back or take over themselves. Stalin needed to create a new crisis, Russia needed some plans to implement to keep everyone busy and avoid conspiracies.
 
   
So in 1930 Stalin initiated the first Five-Year-Plan to work towards building factories to produce Four-Year-Plans in Soviet Grey. They were soon replaced by Three-Year-Plans and so on until one eager-beaver Bolshevik claimed he had 'gone through the other side' and was now producing plans before anyone wanted them. Stalin thought that was going to far and had him shot as an 'anti-realist'.
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[[Argentina|Argentine]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You throw a barbecue.
   
With everyone working on plans, there was no chance to grow food or collect the harvest. There had been famines before, during the revolution and the struggle to beat an alliance of enemies. But this time no obvious enemy existed. Was it just bad luck or was perhaps, did Comrade Stalin not know what was going on?
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[[Arkansas]] Capitalism: You have two cows. That one to your left is kinda
Now a new, younger Russian communist Sergey Kirov. A solid revolutionary on the surface but one with an unusual taste in clothes: He liked working in [[wikipedia:Kirov Ballet|ballet]] costumes, his extensively defined crotch area became the talk of Leningrad. When Kirov said he had a photo of him with Stalin in similar attire, a worried Stalin worked on his own plan: a Five Minute One. Shoot the bastard ballet man.
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cute...
   
==The Showtime Trials==
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[[Arizona]] Capitalism: You have two cows you have just sold in California so that you could buy ten cows in Arizona for a reasonable price and in two years you plan to sell the cows at a huge inflated price so you can go back to California and buy three cows. But The cow market bubble bursts and you are left with ten worthless cows in the middle of the Desert.
[[Image:Showtrial01.jpg|thumb|left|400px|Stalin's judges pass sentence.'Death to Irish-Trotskyite-Pseudo-Elvisites Jedward']]
 
The body of Kirov was found in Leningrad. He had a bullet hole in his head but had also taken the opportunity to strangle himself with his old leotard. Initial reports said Kirov had died from 'disappointment with his performance in Swan Lake'. Days later Stalin informed party colleagues that Kirov's death it was in fact part of an extensive 'Hollywood-Trotskyite-Fascist-Liberal-Bourgeois Conspiracy' against the merits of Soviet Communism and urged them to initiate an extensive criminal investigation. Fearing that the Russian Revolution would unravel faster than a bowl of spaghetti, the comrades agreed.
 
   
The Soviet secret police quickly came up with lists of enemies of the revolution. To the horror of many of those who had supported Stalin, they were shocked that so many Old Bolsheviks appeared to have been working as capitalist double agents since 1917. An even bigger surprise was when many stalwart communists found themselves included on the list. It was a remarkable story and had been ready to be published in 1934 by Kirov until he was found dangling.
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[[Assassin's Creed]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You cut off one of their feet and attach a hidden blade to them. Then you murder cows that other cows don't like, while using an American accent.
   
To show that he was on top of the situation, Stalin approved a series of 'Show Trials' to be held in Moscow to bring the ring leaders to court. They were called Show Trials as Stalin had generously included a few juggling acts, clowns and singers to the bill so that the audience would be warmed up for the finale. So onto the stage of the First Show Trial in 1936 were Lenin's old friends Grigory Yevseyevich Zinoviev, Lev Borisovich Kamenev and others. They willingly admitted that they had been working with Trotsky to blow up Stalin in his private dacha but had only failed in their endeavour by guilt. All pleaded to be yanked off stage and taken care of in the wings. Stalin granted their request and everyone (including many invited guests from outside the Soviet Union) applauded the example of Soviet justice in action. It was also the first time 'Uncle Joe' got noticed in America and inspired cartoonists to come up ''Superman'' (though others consider [[Friedrich Nietzsche]]'s earlier work ''UberSuperDuperMensch'' to be the true precursor).
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[[Australia|Australian]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Ace, mate!
   
Stalin was so happy out how well the show had gone that he repeated it 1937 and 1938. The added attraction for both of these was that Stalin now included those secret policemen who had apparently failed to spot the treason early on. It also meant that if somewhere along the line Stalin had made a mistake in selecting those who were traitors, it could be blamed on his subordinates (later known as the [[Rupert Murdoch|News International Defence]]).
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[[Ayn Rand]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell your stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capital and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
   
With everyone denouncing each other as enemies of the revolution, only Stalin appeared to immune from ever having plans of destroying Lenin's revolutionary legacy. Though still just a humble party secretary, Stalin's vision and ideas now got equal billing with Lenin and Karl Marx as one of the great political theologians of communism. The only true path for the proletariat was under the banner of Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist and all other versions of communism and socialism were heresies that needed to be rooted out. When Stalin's last great political rival in the Soviet Union Nikolai Bukharin was executed in 1938, this left only Trotsky alive (besides Stalin) from the old revolutionary inner circle and momentarily beyond reach in Mexico and in the hairy arms of [[Frida Kahlo]]. Stalinism had become Communism and Communism was Stalinism. It was neat and had no room for nuances that had so infuriated Stalin with his party colleagues 20 years before. The old Georgian had done his 'Ivan the Terrible' as Lenin had once predicted.
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[[BFI]] Capitalism: You have two cows and HOLY FUCKING SHIT AN ELEPHANT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVEZ!!
   
==The Nazi-Soviet Passive-Aggressive Pact==
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[[Brazil|Brazilian]] Capitalism: you have two cows. One of them is stolen, so the government creates the CRPC, the Commission to Regularize the Possession of Cows. After that they inspect your home, and based on the cheese you eat, the milk you drink and the shoes you wear they conclude you have 200 cows, so they take the other one as tax.
[[Image:Manhug01.jpg|thumb|left|250px|'..Come to Adolf...']]
 
Stalin hadn't paid too much attention to Hitler's Germany whilst he was busy beating up his own side. The two regimes had got into indirect combat via the Spanish Civil War. Whereas Germany and Italy lent General Franco troops and aircraft, Stalin preferred to send in some expendable old crates and guns that were last fired in the Crimean War. Of more interest to Stalin had been his political enemies active on the side of the Spanish Republic. These included more of Trotsky's supposed or real followers and assorted anarchists, socialists and anyone who had dissed Stalin at any stage. No Russian volunteers were sent though plenty of local Communist party activists from the Soviet Union's sister parties were 'encouraged' to go and fill up their bodies with German-supplied lead.
 
   
It was around this time that Stalin decided to make the Red army a lot more 'redder' by shooting all its generals and staff on the grounds that they were all Trotsky's men. These self inflicted wounds were noticed by Germany (who had also posted off supposed letters from the Soviet Union's Marshal Mikhail Tukhachevsky supplying his Bank of England deposit account details). However, Hitler was finding Britain and France's opposition to his 'expansionism' annoying and when they both allied to [[Poland]], the old Austrian vagabond and the Georgian outsider discovered that there was not a lot difference between 'Hitlerism' and 'Stalinism'. Perhaps there could be a meeting of something, if not minds. And since both were fed up getting lectured at by the British, perhaps it was a chance to close a deal.
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[[Brazil|Brazilian]] Capitalism 2: You have two cows. One is a billionaire cow living in a cow mansion, but the other one is a destitute cow living in cow slums. They don't speak English or Spanish, but leave to play soccer in Europe.
   
In August 1939 German Foreign Minister Joachim Ribbentrop landed in Moscow. The Nazis and their flag had arrived in Moscow. Stalin invited Ribbentrop over for cocktails with his old friend Molotov (not Molotov's wife as she was in jail for once knitting Trotsky's mittens during the revolution). Ribbentrop tried to stay calm and congratulated Stalin for shooting so many communists, more than the Nazis had achieved so far. Stalin thought that wasn't a bad joke and predicted that once news of a treaty between the two sides had come out that ''the British will shit themselves and the French will hide in their Maginot Line''. Toasts to ''Der Fuehrer'' and ''Uncle Joe the Supreme Prole'' were met with the heavy clink of glasses, though Ribbentrop (who had once sold champagne in his pre-Nazi days) couldn't keep up and was carried out after a few bottles. The Nazi-Soviet Passive-Aggressive Pact was signed, half of it written in lemon juice so that outsiders wouldn't see the secret protocols which read ''Poland - 50/50, Baltic States - Russia, war munitions - Germany, signed photographs of Stalin..etc''). The only real point of dispute would go first and start the carve up.
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[[British]] Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. You try to assuage them with polite reasoning, and they are still mad. Then you sell your farm and buy a news publishing company. You end up retiring rich after all.
   
==Er...You Weren't Supposed to do that Adolf...==
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[[British]] Capitalism 2: You have two cows. You then sail around the world buying [[Africa|Primitives]] cows for virtually nothing and moving your own cows to [[Australia|barren wastelands]]. Then you hire soldiers to stop the original owners from taking back the cows and become the richest county on earth, before you blow it all on fighting the Germans.
[[Image:Stalin06.jpg|thumb|right|200px|'Comrade Stalin, that's not our army - the Germans are coming!]]
 
   
With war averted with Germany, Stalin sent out his best men to bring the new territories acquired into Soviet line. Local communists were used when possible but others were accused of being Trotsky's troops and were killed. Then in 1940 Stalin finally got his man, the one person who had evaded him. Leon Trotsky was killed when he opened his fortified compound in Mexico to a man asking for funds for a polar expedition to the South Pole to spread communism to penguins. Stalin enjoyed the news that his agent had come up with an ingenious assassination weapon (an ice pick) and promptly gave him the Order of Stalin to celebrate.
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[[Buddhism|Buddhist]] Capitalism: You have two cows. One of them has been a good cow, and later is reborn as a human being. The other cow has always been lazy and immoral. She is then reborn as an insect. You realized the futility of it all and meditated under a tree. You attain enlightenment and retire in Nirvana.
   
Yet Stalin was now becoming concerned with his new best friend Adolf Hitler. Expecting a re-run of World War One with trenches and sentimental ballads about girlfriends in Ireland, the Nazi war machine had crushed France and penned the British behind the English channel. [[Winston Churchill]] kept sending messages to Stalin about 'beware of the swastika' but Stalin recalled Churchill's role in Russia's civil war funding the White armies. Perhaps the German Nazi party would collapse as Stalin had written and be replaced by a true workers state. Stalin was sure of his reading of the Austrian, surely Adolf wouldn't emulate [[Napoleon]] and take on Russia? Oh...he did.
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[[Bureaucracy|Bureaucratic]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
   
Operation Barbarossa in June 1941 so shocked Stalin that he hid in his bedroom for a week. ''But Adolf promised not to this'' he was heard behind the closed door and every hour the Russian leader who had ruled the country like an absolute despot expected to be taken away and executed. But no one came. There was no other Stalin-like left figure amongst the Bolsheviks to do this. For Stalin this was now absolute proof that he was supreme, he was a political untouchable. He had done his 1930s homework very well. There would be no rival to take power off him.
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[[Bureaucracy|Bureaucratic]] Capitalism 2: You have two cows. At first the government
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regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
   
==Stalingrad==
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[[W|Bush]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You've heard rumors of big bad Muslim wolf wanting to eat the cows, but you ignore it. Then the wolf drove two tractors at the cows. Your career went downhill ever since.
[[Image:Stalingrad05.jpg|thumb|left|230px|German ice hockey fans were a stubborn lot.]]
 
The Red Army of 1941 that was on the frontiers were either killed or captured, only back up units kept further back survived. Stalin sent out orders for units to stand and fight and anyone who didn't, were disarmed by the secret police and forced to go back to the front line to attack Panzers with their bare fists.
 
   
The German army quickly advance forwards, finding recruits from anti-Communist Russians and others who had long complained about taking orders from Stalin. It seemed the Russian revolution was about to fail big time and there would be no hiding for the great leader.
+
[[Clinton]] Capitalism: You have two cows. One is named Hillary, and the other has a suspicious stain on its coat.
   
It was looking very bad for Stalin but had luck with his opponent. Hitler kept nightclubbing hours, sleeping during the day and then working at night when those who around him were tired and confused and more used to regular employment patterns. So it's not surprising that Hitler got his way about where the Nazi jackboot was going to be aimed at next. Stalin did like his vodka but his tough constitution allowed him to drink anyone - including his politburo and the whisky bottle emptier [[Winston Churchill]] under the table if need be. Yet Stalin would always be at work early next day, reading the latest reports on who needed shooting to improve the tank production figures and the latest spy information obtained from agents in Britain and the USA.
+
[[Cuba|Cuban]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They can't do anything there. Then they swim to Florida.
   
Hitler was also taking his war with Stalin far too personally and wanted to rub out the city that bore his enemy's name. So the main German war effort was now changed from taking Moscow to head for the south and seize Stalingrad. Well, to be more accurate, demolish it brick by brick. Stalin wasn't one for sentiment, it was after all, not the city of his birth and if it was destroyed in the fight, so be it.
+
[[Cambodia|Cambodian]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
   
So like a gambler, Hitler threw every resource available to take the city. Nazi tunnel vision allowed the Russians to concentrate their troops in a counter attack again the Romanian and Hungarian allies on either flank of the main German force and surround Hitler's army in Stalingrad. That was it for them, and in the long run, for Hitler too. Stalin knew that, the war would be won and so he now considered what the postwar situation would look like.
+
[[Cow]] Capitalism: Doesn't exist.
   
==Yalta==
+
[[Catholic]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You donate 10% of the milk to the Church. You feel extremely guilty over having taken the cow's milk, you chastise yourself and then after Confession, you nip down the pub with the priest for a pint, everything feels better until the next morning and you sober up and feel guilty again, the cycle repeats itself.
[[Image:Stalin11.jpg|thumb|200px|right|[[Winston Churchill]], [[Franklin Roosevelt]] and [[Stalin]] share a laugh whilst playing musical chairs in Yalta, February 1945.]]
 
For someone who project zero charisma, Stalin was now cuddily old 'Uncle Joe'. He was a Super Mario Stalin, the man with the real moustache rather than the smudge Hitler wore on his upper lip. Whilst the British and Americans were sneaking around the back of the Nazi war machine with peripheral attacks, Stalin insisted on a full blown mash up. The Western Allies hoped Russia would be worn down in that conflict not to cause trouble later but as the Russian army rumbled closer to Germany, the USA, Britain, Canada realised that if they didn't hurry up, there was a chance Stalin would get to Paris. The Russians had done it before against Napoleon, they could do it again.
 
   
Stalin therefore made it known he would be a bit more modest this time and at a meeting in Yalta, he put down his demands. Roosevelt was by now death warmed up and Churchill had drank and smoked so much since he became British Prime Minister, he wasn't in much shape than his American ally. Sharing a cigar with 'the old imperialist' as he described Churchill, the two men divided up Eastern Europe. The Poles were abandoned to Russia and those foolish enough like Hungary, Romania and Bulgaria to be active allies of Hitler were also consigned to the Russian sphere. Only what to do with Germany (and Austria) remained a problem but Stalin would go 50-50 if no agreement could be reached. Roosevelt was finally wheeled in and agreed to the deal, anything to get away from Russian cuisine. It was too late, Roosevelt died suddenly two months later. Long time Russian agent Harry.S.Truman became US President and let the deal stand. <ref> Only the missionary John Birch knew this which is why he was killed in China in mid demonstration of the Christian position on sex.</ref>
+
[[Canada|Canadian]] Capitalism: You have two cows; one of them is a French cow. Let's play hockey with them, eh?
   
==Triumph==
+
[[Canada|Canadian]] Capitalism 2: You have two cows; You milk both and sell that milk in bags.
[[Image:Hooversims.jpg|thumb|left|200px|J.Edgar Hoover.Suspicious about Superman.]]
 
For Stalin 1945 was his victory. For the purposes of crunching up Hitler, he had worked with the British and Americans capitalists. A necessity that could be now sidelined. He arrived in Potsdam, Germany with the sure knowledge his army was all around the allies. He wasn't upset to see that Churchill had to leave the party early (a pesky election in Britain had seen the [[Labour Party]] win and now faced the distinctly uncharismatic [[Clement Attlee]]. Neither did Truman seem to be much of a personality either, who had heard of either men thought Stalin as he sat at the table in his military style uniform. This was going to be Joe's show.
 
   
Facts on the ground meant the Russian army was now in the middle of Europe. The British were bankrupt, the Americans seemed eager to leave and those countries like France and Italy which had either collaborated or had been active allies of Germany were well and truly compromised. Both also had strong Communist parties, led by Moscow trained leaders who would follow Stalin's line. He now dominated Europe like a modern day [[Attila the Hun]]. Yet Stalin's own innate caution and watchfulness meant he wasn't ready to become the new Red [[Emperor]]. His own distrust of anything (or anyone) outside his Russian comfort zone meant he preferred to wait for the 'rotten capitalist system' to fall over rather than give it a vigorous kick. Also, more inconveniently, the Americans had this new bomb and he needed one of his own now.
+
[[China|Chinese]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
   
Though what to do with Germany unresolved, Stalin wasn't happy that he wasn't able to put his own man in to run Yugoslavia. Nor was he on the best of terms with Mao Zedong when he took over China, the Chinese leader made it plain he got into Beijing without 'Uncle Joe's help. In fact Stalin had hoped secretly Mao would fail, once again his old suspicions about communists who didn't follow his lead made him unwilling to share the limelight. Not that the Americans were aware of this, the fall of China and the defeat of the nationalists was seen as a hefty slap to the USA's influence. This more than anything else made the Americans now think twice about leaving Europe and perhaps now staying for a longer weekend.
+
[[California|Californian]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The state promises you eight more, so they tax you two cows and send you an IOU. Then the farm burns down in a wild fire and sinks into the ocean after an earthquake.
   
==Final Years==
+
Capitalism After Dentist: Ok, now, I have two cows. Or four cows...
[[Image:Teletubbiesmole1.jpg|thumb|right|230px|Russia's Famous Five Spies from [[wikipedia:Cambridge_Five|Cambridge University]]: L-R:Tinky Winky (Kim Philby), Dipsy (Guy Burgess), Laa-Laa (Donald Maclean), Po (Anthony Blunt) and Mole ([[wikipedia:Wind_in_the_Willows|Moley]]).]]
 
Though you would have thought Stalin would now 'relax', the old paranoid was convinced his fellow communists were in danger of going soft. Thanks to his quartet of English spies (known by the code names, [[Teletubbies|Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, Dipsy and Po]], the Russian leader was made fully aware of all the nuclear secrets held by the allies. At the same time in the USA, the FBI brought in everyone connected with Superman as he was (A) an alien foreigner, (B) Not a christian and (C) the tag 'Man of Steel' persuaded [[J.Edgar Hoover]] that the comic book hero was really a 'communist book hero' and that the Russians were sending subversive messages to their agents in the USA via the regular strips. Stalin thought this was ironic as he had made it a shootable offence for anyone to possess the magazine.
 
   
Meantime Stalin's closest drinking buddies became alarmed when Stalin ordred everyone to his private dacha outside Moscow. There Stalin let it be known he had plans for a 'new purge' to clear out the dead wood and recruit only those who had grown up with him as leader. As Stalin drank and watched the colour from his colleagues drain away, he felt a bit unsteady and retired to his room to 'nap'. That was the last time anyone saw the old warhorse alive but no one felt strong enough to check on him. The next day Stalin was found dead on the floor - the strong Russian rot gut vodka had did for him in the end.
+
[[Depression|Chronic Depressive]] Capitalism: You have two cows and ''sigh... what's the point''?
   
==After Joe==
+
[[Dubai]] Capitalism: You have three hundred billion cows that you got from oil. You order a building to be erected, taller than any other in the world. When another country builds one as tall, you order two more that are twice as tall as that. When the laws of physics doesn't work out, you order Allah to change them because you have enough oil money to do so, and you're a Muslim, so its Allah.
   
The news that the Communist Pope had died saw all the leading Communist party leaders turn up to view the dead dictator. It was a cold March in Moscow and everyone kept their bodies (and thoughts) well wrapped up as everyone wondered who would replace Stalin. In the ensuring scrap, the balding and round [[Nikita Khrushchev]] came out on top, arranging with his other colleagues to have Stalin's secret police buddy Lavrentiy Beira shot for his supposed intention to become the next 'genial Soviet Uncle'. Stalin's own body was placed in Lenin's tomb, the two stuffed communists lying next to each other in their glass coffins. He wasn't to stay there long. Khrushchev had it removed after the spirit of Lenin came to him in a stupor complaining about the Georgian's excessive post-death 'snoring'. So in the dead of night, Stalin was secretly taken outside and buried in a vegetable patch. For years the grave was ignored but now in the new Russia, Stalin's reputation has been largely restored. Perhaps one day Lenin will once again find himself sharing his low brick platform with the old rogue once again.
+
[[Dutch]] Capitalism: You have two cows, which you train to invest in the two cow market, and over the course of two years corner the entire thing into one giant evil Dutch Corporation.
   
==References==
+
[[Amsterdam]] Capitalism: You have two cows. What a fucking night.
[[File:Kfcstalinsexiest.JPG|thumb|right|200px|The Great Man lives on, selling fried chicken to the hungry masses.]]
 
<small><references/></small>
 
   
{{words|The Other S Word}}
+
[[Disney]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Everyone waits in line for 3 hours to see them, and leaves totally unsatisfied.
   
[[bg:Йосиф Сталин]]
+
[[Enron]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
[[cs:Josip Stalin]]
 
[[da:Josef Stalin]]
 
[[de:Josef Stalin]]
 
[[eo:Stalino]]
 
[[es:Stalin]]
 
[[fi:Josif Stalin]]
 
[[fr:Staline]]
 
[[he:יוסי סטלין]]
 
[[it:Josif Stalin]]
 
[[ja:ヨシフ・スターリン]]
 
[[ko:이오시프 스탈린]]
 
[[lv:Staļins]]
 
[[nl:Jozef Stalin]]
 
[[no:Josef Stalin]]
 
[[pl:Józef Stalin]]
 
[[pt:Josef Stalin]]
 
[[ru:Иосиф Волгин]]
 
[[sr:Јосиф Стаљин]]
 
[[sv:Josef Stalin]]
 
[[uk:Товариш Сталін]]
 
[[zh-tw:屎太淋]]
 
   
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[[ebay]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The current bids are $16,000 for the Guernsey and $21,500 for the Holstein.
   
[[Category:People in Hell]]
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[[Egypt]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy 10 donkeys. You then sell them to the people as cows. Then while you are busy fighting for freedom and democracy, the second cow astray to find its way to the ?!
[[Category:Stalin]]
 
[[Category:Dictators with Moustaches]]
 
[[Category:Leon Trotsky Fans]]
 
[[Category:Communism]]
 
[[Category:Soviet Russia]]
 
[[Category:Russia]]
 
[[Category:Beloved leaders]]
 
[[Category:Mass Murderers]]
 
[[Category:Vital articles]]
 
   
{{dictators and tyrants}}
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[[Al Gore|Environmental]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them and fines you for letting them fart.
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[[Ethiopia]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You decide to eat them instead of breed them. You starve to death a month later.
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[[Ant|Eusocialist]] Capitalism: You have two cows. What the hell are you doing? Hurry up and give those to the queen before I rip your fucking legs off, slacker.
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[[Fascism (Artistic Movement)|Fascist]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes them both.
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[[Family]] Values Capitalism: You have two cows. You forbid them to marry as they are the same sex.
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[[FCC]] Capitalism: You make tons of money by fining cow owners $500,000 for each instance of accidentally showing their cows' udders.
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[[Feminist]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them both to hate Bulls.
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[[Filipino]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The first cow becomes an "actor", gets rich and enters politics to get richer. The second cow gets [[socialism|jealous]], becomes a muckraking journalist and reports on the first cow and its cronies. The second cow is found buried in an oil drum filled with cement.
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[[Fox News]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They give sour milk but you do nothing but rant about how the "liberal media" won't report the truth about your wonderful "cottage cheese".
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[[Florida]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell them and buy oranges. You grow oranges and make enough money to retire in Miami and look at the beach from your new apartment.
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[[Fred Thompson]] Capitalism: You continually have press conferences announcing that soon you will establish an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of buying two cows and using one as a trophy wife.
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[[French]] Capitalism: You have two sexy but bitchy cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You then surrender your cows to the Germans.
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[[Games workshop]] has two cows and makes plastic models of them and turn it into a table top game and charges stupidly high prices for them ion the end they make a huge profit
  +
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[[Gay]] Capitalism: You have two bulls. They love to mount each other.
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[[Hitler|German]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 1,000 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. You invade Poland because your cows need "Lebensraum". You also exterminate the non-blond cows in gas chambers and concentration farms. Unfortunately, Russian cows and American cows took your "Lebensraum," and your farm is now split in half. Later, the western cows get fat, and the eastern cows try to jump over a wall. The wall breaks down, and your cows now are the best cows in Europe.
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[[Gore]] Capitalism: You have two cows. Their digesting of grass and other plant material produces methane, a greenhouse gas. You kill them for the carbon offset. Fuck it, I invented the internet!
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[[Greek]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You make souvla out of them and party to sertaki all Sunday morning.
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[[Guatemala|Guatemalan]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You use the milk money to get your political party on the government and then change the law so no one else can import/export/process/sell milk without paying 69% taxes.
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[[Hell]] Capitalism: You have two cows. Now you are in hell.
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[[Hollywood, Los Angeles, California|Hollywood]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command. Then they die from drug overdose.
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[[Hindu]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
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[[Italy|Italian]] Capitalism: You have two sexy cows, but you don't know where they are. You take-ah a break-ah forah lunch-eh.
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[[Ireland|Irish]] Capitalism: You have two drunk cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they became violent rugby hooligans.
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[[Israel|Israeli]] Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
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[[Iraq|Iraqi]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill and gut them on suspicion they are carrying "weapons of milk destruction", but find none. You let Halliburton grind them up into hamburger and declare "Mission Accomplished".
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[[Iran|Iranian]] Capitalism: You have two cows but vigorously deny the fact, even though you spend all your time bragging about how much cheese you are making.
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[[Jack Thompson]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill them for fun. When PETA confronts you, you blame it on video games and sue Nintendo for killing your cows. You lose, whine about it on TV, and start the whole thing over again. You make sure to change the animal you kill and the video game company you sue every time, for authenticity.
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[[Japan|Japanese]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
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[[Jewish]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They crap out solid bricks of gold because you're Jewish. You're thankful that you don't have two pigs. You set them on fire and they burn for eight days.
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[[Jehovah's Witness]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people to buy your milk or to face eternal damnation.
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[[John Lennon]] Capitalism: You have two cows. [[Communism|Imagine no possessions]], collect the royalties and marry a screaming asian lady. Profit!
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[[Korea|Korean]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them every day and play fetch with them. However, you keep your dogs in a field where you feed them until they're fat. Then you slaughter the dogs and turn them into [[kimchi]].
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[[Lesbian]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They start sucking each other's udders, and you realize how ugly it is in real life.
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[[Lima, Peru|Lima Syndrome]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You feel bad for them, so you release them and commit suicide.
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[[Liverpool]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You leave them outside and within minutes they have been nicked
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[[Martha Stewart]] Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
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[[Mexican]] Capitalism: You had two cows but they left to go to America to pick lettuce and landscape rich people's yards, for a lot more money than a brain surgeon can make in Mexico.
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[[Microsoft]] Capitalism: You have two cows, developed by other farmers. You patent the cows and sue the heck out of everyone else. Then you make everyone buy your bug-ridden cow milk, because its the only milk.
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[[Monarch]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The royal family sends random people to stab you and take them.
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[[Mormon]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
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[[Military]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The government drafts you. It drafts your cows as well when a war actually starts. Your cows are killed. You have no money when you get back, if you get back.
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  +
[[New Zealand]] Capitalism: You have two sheep. If the topography allows, you support and irrigation scheme, youu build a milking shed. You but cows and convert to dairy farming so you can actually make money.
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[[Nihilism|Nihilist]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You do not have two cows.
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[[Barack Obama|Obama Capitalism]]: You have two cows. Reagan's economic policy inspired your father to milk them without caring about their reproduction, because he knew the cows would outlive him. Your father died and the cows were yours, it worked well-enough for a while, then the cows died too.
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[[OCD]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They're filthy. You clean them. They aren't standing parallel to each other. You make them. Those chickens in the background are unevenly spaced. You fix them. Sniff, sniff... the smell of daffodils is more in the left nostril then the right nostril. You change the direction you're standing. Oh, no, now the sun is more in your right eye than your left eye. You can't take it anymore and just go to bed in your clean, neat, symmetrical bedroom.
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[[Red States|Nevadan]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Oklahoma to spend the night with them.
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[[Palestine|Palestinian]] Capitalism: You start with two cows and raise them in a field of your own for thousands of years. Then some nice people come along with guns and a book that says that they own your land. They take your cows and force you off of your land.
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  +
[[Primitive]] Capitalism: You have two cows. Your neighbors have two cows. You enslave your neighbors and take their cows. Now you have four cows. You send your neighbors to invade the next town, giving you thirty two cows. Soon, you own all the cows and all the people in England, and declare yourself king. After several hundred years, your heir frees the serfs, hires them to milk the cows, and charges them rent.
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[[Gorbachev|Perestroika]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
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[[Politically Correct]] Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
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[[Poland|Polish]] Capitalism: You have no cows because the Russians stole one, and the Germans killed the other for more Lebensraum. You head off to other parts of Europe working as a low-paid builder.
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[[Police]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You tase them for fun, along with every living organism within range.
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[[Real Estate]] Capitalism: You have two cows. Your cows are now worth a ton of money. But you convince people they will be worth more money in the future. You chop them up, sell them to investors, and collect billions from the government. No one can afford to milk anymore.
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[[Real World|Real]] Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Your boss's son has twenty cows, and you kept pondering about how that's supposed to be fair.
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[[Ron Paul]] Capitalism: Abolish Federal Reserve, go back to the gold standard, get the government out of the market, establish the free market and everyone wonders why the fuck they couldn't see that capitalism worked in the first place.
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[[Russian]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have forty two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
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[[Russian Reversal]] Capitalism: In Soviet Russia, two cows own YOU''!''.
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[[Communism|Soviet]] Capitalism: You have two cows. Wait...did I say YOU have two cows? Haha, no. Comrade Stalin has two cows. Now off to the Gulag with you! (In Soviet Russia, cow have you!!!)
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[[Samuel L. Jackson]] Capitalism: I'm sick and tired of these two mother fucking cows in this mother fucking field.
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[[Saudi Arabia|Saudi]] Capitalism: You have oil instead of cows. The Americans will take your oil and give you topnotch hi-tech cows that are engineered by Germans and made in China. Then you make a bilateral terrorism deal, so that you remain in power and they get oil.
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[[Swedish]] Capitalism. You have two cows. You let a farm boy milk them and promises that he will get one in the future. And then buy him a security helmet.
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[[Socialist]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They are both equally delicious.
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[[Swiss]] Capitalism: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
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[[Surreal]] Capitalism: You have two cow-ish giraffes. The cow-giraffe government requires you to take harmonica lessons. One of the cows/giraffes jump over the moon, and the moon winks at you.
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[[Terrorist]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You fill them with dynamite. You tell them to activate it when they are on a farm with lots of cows. Then you retire to a cave and watch [[FIFA]] cows all day.
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[[Texas|Texan]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns. You buy them each a big truck.
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[[Stalin|Totalitarian]] Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
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[[Welfare]] Capitalism: You have two cows, you milk them. The more milk you get the more is taken from you and given to someone who didn't bother milking their cows.
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[[Westboro Baptist Church]] Capitalism: You have two cows. They're going to hell. You protest the farm you got them from, saying that all the farmers and animals are gay and are going to hell. Then you die and go to hell. It would be ironic, but it's not because everyone expected it.
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[[Xbox]] Capitalism: You have two cows. You mistake their udders for joysticks and get a face full of milk trying to play video games on them.
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[[Buddhism|Zim Buddhist]] Capitalism: What is the sound of one cow milking?
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Uncyclopedia Capitalism Article Capitalism: You have two cows. As they reproduce, they become less and less funny.
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== Capitalism: A Continuing Story ==
  +
For a period of time following the aforementioned collapse of [[Communism]], capitalist societies were free from the problems created by other societies doing things differently with [[lesbian]]s. However, starting in the mid-1990's, some [[academics]] from [[Education|special education]] classes put forth the idea that some modifications might need to be made to the [[system]].
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Most of the proposed changes, such as [[Universal Health Care]], were readily dismissed as pointless attempts at improving upon an already flawless system. However, a few proposals, such as tort reform, managed to gain widespread support among the educated masses. The sudden collapse of two prominent capitalist headquarters of the [[United States of America]] in 2001 confirmed that no modifications need be made to Capitalism's current incarnation.
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== Alternatives to Capitalism ==
  +
Why [[Communism]], of course! Come comrades, for we must remove the shackles placed upon the working man by the [[bourgeois]] [[Republicans]] so that we may live in harmony in the glorious workers paradise!
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The Capitalist system works wonderfully in theory but when you put it into practice it just doesn't seem to work.
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It should be duly noted by all of humanity that Capitalism is ultimately an injustice. ''The same applies'' to any other ludicrous and, ultimately, oppressive socio-politico-economic structure of state society/civilization; including but not limited to- capitalism, socialism, Main Page - Nazism, fascism, capitalism, democracy/republicanism, feudalism, capitalism, aristocracy/monarchy, etc.
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In short, there is no fundamentally viable alternative to capitalism within state-society, aside from communism, (Besides maybe whatever [[France]] has?) So start a tribe... you'll [[love]] it.
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Or [[anarchists]], who lead the path to wisdom. Abandon capitalism and you throw your chains from your shoulders. Onwards to a freedom so great that society can't help but collapse! Also, never trust anyone called an anarcho-capitalist. They are evil free-market goblins in disguise.
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==Critics==
  +
Throughout human history there were many important critics of capitalism, the most outspoken of them being [[Karl Marx|Marx]]. One of his most famous statements on the failures of capitalism is: "capitalismisallwrong,man!itisinhumane,evilandkickkittensfornoreasonatall!". Many critics criticized Marx however, stating that "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU DO IT BETTER? BITCH!". To which Marx answered "i'''am'''!youjustdon'tnoticeit'cuzyoucan't'''see'''thewayiamspeakingthewords". Marx's critics were baffled, but some years later a [[Lenin|guy]] claimed he understood what he meant, so that he could become a dictator more easily and conquered [[Russia]].
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Marx also claimed that he would have supported capitalism, except he couldn't work out how to "get his bling on".
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==Benefits of Capitalism==
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[[Image:Class_pyramid.gif|thumb|center|600px|Capitalism is like a cake...''The cake is a [[lie]]!'']]
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==See also==
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{{wikipedia}}
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* [[Capitalism: The Religion]]
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* [[Marketing]]
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* [[Natural Selection]]
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* [[Globalization]]
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* [[Ayn Rand]]
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* [[Neoliberalism]]
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* [[Nietzsche]]
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== External links ==
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*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBbspkcoEgo&mode=related&search= Capitalism]
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[[da:Kapitalisme]]
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[[de:Kapitalismus]]
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[[el:Καπιταλισμός]]
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[[es:Capitalismo]]
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[[fi:Kapitalismi]]
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[[fr:Capitalisme]]
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[[it:Capitalista]]
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[[ja:資本主義]]
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[[pl:Kapitalizm]]
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[[pt:Capitalismo]]
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[[zh-tw:資本主義]]
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[[Category:Capitalism]]
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[[Category:Economics]]
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[[Category:Money]]
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[[Category:Philosophy]]
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[[Category:Society]]
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[[Category:Politics]]
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[[Category:Vital articles]]

Revision as of 01:29, February 10, 2013

“Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true”
~ Everyone on Capitalism
“Capitalism is the worst form of social organization, except for all the others that have been tried”
~ Winston S Churchill on Capitalism
Capitalism

A die hard capitalist out for a walk

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Capitalism derives its roots from the Latin word "capital" meaning "head" and "ism" meaning "gooey, cheese like substance." It was created by a group of men calling themselves the "justification league." Capitalism has been misunderstood by the left and right of the political spectrum: Capitalism's ultimate purpose is to allow those born into luxury to justify to themselves that they deserve it, and to give those not born into luxury a life purpose to dismiss those creating wealth as 'oppressors'. It Can Also Mean The Study and Worship Of Capital Letters.

Capitalism is a system of economics that entails the rights of the elite to control the means of production and enslave the workers, with limited state control and judicially preserved property "rights." This system rewards those who create what the market is demanding, even if the market is demanding more videos of Tara Reid's deformed nipple slip or microwavable cheese products. You have to be a douchebag and a sellout willing to step on the meek to get anywhere.

One of the remarkable aspects of Capitalism is how a great diversity of businesses are started and the massive number of them that fail miserably, yet how many morons keep believing that they will be millionaires at any moment through infomercials or cleverly placed classified advertisements.

Capitalism is generally opposed by people who feel a moral opposition to having to work. Most of these traitors are hippie college students who fellate Noam Chomsky and think Che Guevara is the one cool guy from Rage Against the Machine. When mommy and daddy don't buy you a car, it is oppression upon the proletariat!

The pivotal text for understanding Capitalism is Adam Smith's "The Wealth of Nations", which outlined how capitalism would inevitably result in the rise of empires, the growth in free trade, and the mysterious career of Sarah Palin. In the book, Smith also outlines the hidden costs of tariffs and taxes that limit national growth and how this would inevitably lead to reality television.

But first..

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Before Capitalism

Delhi-wastedump

Beneficiaries of the trickle-down economics of a capitalist society. (notice capitalist looking for copyright infringement)

Prior to the advent of Capitalism, several other economic systems had been employed by the many anthropologically stimulating civilizations of the ancient world. Such systems are easily distinguishable from capitalism despite the fact that they were also primarily concerned with the problem of capital.

The primary difference between Capitalism and other economic systems is that other systems revolve around the institution of slavery--the practice of forcing individuals to work under threat of physical harm, or even death. In a capitalist society, however, individuals work voluntarily in order to avoid termination. Or death by starvation.

Should an individual choose to work, he or she is sometimes rewarded with the means to feed, clothe, and/or shelter him or herself. Usually however, not. In exceptional circumstances, individuals may also be assigned a physician. In most circumstances however, they become the butt of jokes of middle-class teenagers, who have just finished reading Ayn Rand's "Fountainhead" and think its a documentary.

Practices of Capitalism

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A day in the life of the average capitalist begins with being woken up by their butlers. Followed by eating a breakfast prepared by their personal chef. After this, the capitalist is driven to work by his valet, where he will sit at a desk while his secretary answers the phone calls of the foreman who oversees the hundreds of workers building the tower which will bear his name. The capitalist himself can't do these things because he's too busy bitching about how lazy people on welfare are.

Variations on Capitalism

Standard Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income while the cows can't afford health care.

African Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them because they used to belong to white colonists. No one feeds them and they starve to death. Then you starve to death.

Alcoholic Capitalism: You have 23 flying pink cows that breathe rainbow fire. You ride them to the Chocolate Factory and explode.

Air America Capitalism: You have two bankrupt cows no one listens to.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull (for rodeo), and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead, you put the blame on socialism and you invade another country to search for more cows.

America Post Reagan Capitalism: You have two cows. You have sex with them hoping to find a herd of half-human / half-cow animals that will be able to milk themselves. This unfortunate misunderstanding about where babies come from was brought about by a lack of sex education and the teaching of intelligent design in your high school. Unaware that only closely evolutionary related animals can breed, your plan fails. And the bank forecloses on you. You spend the rest of your life blaming it all on the government, taxes and 'socialized-medicine'. You attend town hall meetings with other cow owners to shout loudly about how the government ruined your 'perfectly viable business', while the rest of the planet quietly laughs and learns Chinese.

Apple Inc. Capitalism: You have two iCows whose iMilk you sell at an unnecessarily high iPrice, yet people still buy it in record iNumbers just because they believe it's iCool. Then, you buy a company that makes multi touch interfaces, and install them on the offspring of your current iCows, creating a new, better iMilk that is better than any other "normal" milk. Unfortunately, your market share doesn't grow because there are fans of "regular" milk that remember the short-fallings of your old iMilk and think that you haven't improved it.

Argentine Capitalism: You have two cows. You throw a barbecue.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one to your left is kinda cute...

Arizona Capitalism: You have two cows you have just sold in California so that you could buy ten cows in Arizona for a reasonable price and in two years you plan to sell the cows at a huge inflated price so you can go back to California and buy three cows. But The cow market bubble bursts and you are left with ten worthless cows in the middle of the Desert.

Assassin's Creed Capitalism: You have two cows. You cut off one of their feet and attach a hidden blade to them. Then you murder cows that other cows don't like, while using an American accent.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Ace, mate!

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell your stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capital and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

BFI Capitalism: You have two cows and HOLY FUCKING SHIT AN ELEPHANT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVEZ!!

Brazilian Capitalism: you have two cows. One of them is stolen, so the government creates the CRPC, the Commission to Regularize the Possession of Cows. After that they inspect your home, and based on the cheese you eat, the milk you drink and the shoes you wear they conclude you have 200 cows, so they take the other one as tax.

Brazilian Capitalism 2: You have two cows. One is a billionaire cow living in a cow mansion, but the other one is a destitute cow living in cow slums. They don't speak English or Spanish, but leave to play soccer in Europe.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. You try to assuage them with polite reasoning, and they are still mad. Then you sell your farm and buy a news publishing company. You end up retiring rich after all.

British Capitalism 2: You have two cows. You then sail around the world buying Primitives cows for virtually nothing and moving your own cows to barren wastelands. Then you hire soldiers to stop the original owners from taking back the cows and become the richest county on earth, before you blow it all on fighting the Germans.

Buddhist Capitalism: You have two cows. One of them has been a good cow, and later is reborn as a human being. The other cow has always been lazy and immoral. She is then reborn as an insect. You realized the futility of it all and meditated under a tree. You attain enlightenment and retire in Nirvana.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Bureaucratic Capitalism 2: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You've heard rumors of big bad Muslim wolf wanting to eat the cows, but you ignore it. Then the wolf drove two tractors at the cows. Your career went downhill ever since.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. One is named Hillary, and the other has a suspicious stain on its coat.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They can't do anything there. Then they swim to Florida.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Cow Capitalism: Doesn't exist.

Catholic Capitalism: You have two cows. You donate 10% of the milk to the Church. You feel extremely guilty over having taken the cow's milk, you chastise yourself and then after Confession, you nip down the pub with the priest for a pint, everything feels better until the next morning and you sober up and feel guilty again, the cycle repeats itself.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows; one of them is a French cow. Let's play hockey with them, eh?

Canadian Capitalism 2: You have two cows; You milk both and sell that milk in bags.

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. The state promises you eight more, so they tax you two cows and send you an IOU. Then the farm burns down in a wild fire and sinks into the ocean after an earthquake.

Capitalism After Dentist: Ok, now, I have two cows. Or four cows...

Chronic Depressive Capitalism: You have two cows and sigh... what's the point?

Dubai Capitalism: You have three hundred billion cows that you got from oil. You order a building to be erected, taller than any other in the world. When another country builds one as tall, you order two more that are twice as tall as that. When the laws of physics doesn't work out, you order Allah to change them because you have enough oil money to do so, and you're a Muslim, so its Allah.

Dutch Capitalism: You have two cows, which you train to invest in the two cow market, and over the course of two years corner the entire thing into one giant evil Dutch Corporation.

Amsterdam Capitalism: You have two cows. What a fucking night.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Everyone waits in line for 3 hours to see them, and leaves totally unsatisfied.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

ebay Capitalism: You have two cows. The current bids are $16,000 for the Guernsey and $21,500 for the Holstein.

Egypt Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy 10 donkeys. You then sell them to the people as cows. Then while you are busy fighting for freedom and democracy, the second cow astray to find its way to the ?!

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them and fines you for letting them fart.

Ethiopia Capitalism: You have two cows. You decide to eat them instead of breed them. You starve to death a month later.

Eusocialist Capitalism: You have two cows. What the hell are you doing? Hurry up and give those to the queen before I rip your fucking legs off, slacker.

Fascist Capitalism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes them both.

Family Values Capitalism: You have two cows. You forbid them to marry as they are the same sex.

FCC Capitalism: You make tons of money by fining cow owners $500,000 for each instance of accidentally showing their cows' udders.

Feminist Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them both to hate Bulls.

Filipino Capitalism: You have two cows. The first cow becomes an "actor", gets rich and enters politics to get richer. The second cow gets jealous, becomes a muckraking journalist and reports on the first cow and its cronies. The second cow is found buried in an oil drum filled with cement.

Fox News Capitalism: You have two cows. They give sour milk but you do nothing but rant about how the "liberal media" won't report the truth about your wonderful "cottage cheese".

Florida Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell them and buy oranges. You grow oranges and make enough money to retire in Miami and look at the beach from your new apartment.

Fred Thompson Capitalism: You continually have press conferences announcing that soon you will establish an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of buying two cows and using one as a trophy wife.

French Capitalism: You have two sexy but bitchy cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You then surrender your cows to the Germans.

Games workshop has two cows and makes plastic models of them and turn it into a table top game and charges stupidly high prices for them ion the end they make a huge profit

Gay Capitalism: You have two bulls. They love to mount each other.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 1,000 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. You invade Poland because your cows need "Lebensraum". You also exterminate the non-blond cows in gas chambers and concentration farms. Unfortunately, Russian cows and American cows took your "Lebensraum," and your farm is now split in half. Later, the western cows get fat, and the eastern cows try to jump over a wall. The wall breaks down, and your cows now are the best cows in Europe.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. Their digesting of grass and other plant material produces methane, a greenhouse gas. You kill them for the carbon offset. Fuck it, I invented the internet!

Greek Capitalism: You have two cows. You make souvla out of them and party to sertaki all Sunday morning.

Guatemalan Capitalism: You have two cows. You use the milk money to get your political party on the government and then change the law so no one else can import/export/process/sell milk without paying 69% taxes.

Hell Capitalism: You have two cows. Now you are in hell.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them udder implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command. Then they die from drug overdose.

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Italian Capitalism: You have two sexy cows, but you don't know where they are. You take-ah a break-ah forah lunch-eh.

Irish Capitalism: You have two drunk cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they became violent rugby hooligans.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill and gut them on suspicion they are carrying "weapons of milk destruction", but find none. You let Halliburton grind them up into hamburger and declare "Mission Accomplished".

Iranian Capitalism: You have two cows but vigorously deny the fact, even though you spend all your time bragging about how much cheese you are making.

Jack Thompson Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill them for fun. When PETA confronts you, you blame it on video games and sue Nintendo for killing your cows. You lose, whine about it on TV, and start the whole thing over again. You make sure to change the animal you kill and the video game company you sue every time, for authenticity.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. They crap out solid bricks of gold because you're Jewish. You're thankful that you don't have two pigs. You set them on fire and they burn for eight days.

Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people to buy your milk or to face eternal damnation.

John Lennon Capitalism: You have two cows. Imagine no possessions, collect the royalties and marry a screaming asian lady. Profit!

Korean Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them every day and play fetch with them. However, you keep your dogs in a field where you feed them until they're fat. Then you slaughter the dogs and turn them into kimchi.

Lesbian Capitalism: You have two cows. They start sucking each other's udders, and you realize how ugly it is in real life.

Lima Syndrome Capitalism: You have two cows. You feel bad for them, so you release them and commit suicide.

Liverpool Capitalism: You have two cows. You leave them outside and within minutes they have been nicked

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Mexican Capitalism: You had two cows but they left to go to America to pick lettuce and landscape rich people's yards, for a lot more money than a brain surgeon can make in Mexico.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows, developed by other farmers. You patent the cows and sue the heck out of everyone else. Then you make everyone buy your bug-ridden cow milk, because its the only milk.

Monarch Capitalism: You have two cows. The royal family sends random people to stab you and take them.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government drafts you. It drafts your cows as well when a war actually starts. Your cows are killed. You have no money when you get back, if you get back.

New Zealand Capitalism: You have two sheep. If the topography allows, you support and irrigation scheme, youu build a milking shed. You but cows and convert to dairy farming so you can actually make money.

Nihilist Capitalism: You have two cows. You do not have two cows.

Obama Capitalism: You have two cows. Reagan's economic policy inspired your father to milk them without caring about their reproduction, because he knew the cows would outlive him. Your father died and the cows were yours, it worked well-enough for a while, then the cows died too.

OCD Capitalism: You have two cows. They're filthy. You clean them. They aren't standing parallel to each other. You make them. Those chickens in the background are unevenly spaced. You fix them. Sniff, sniff... the smell of daffodils is more in the left nostril then the right nostril. You change the direction you're standing. Oh, no, now the sun is more in your right eye than your left eye. You can't take it anymore and just go to bed in your clean, neat, symmetrical bedroom.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Oklahoma to spend the night with them.

Palestinian Capitalism: You start with two cows and raise them in a field of your own for thousands of years. Then some nice people come along with guns and a book that says that they own your land. They take your cows and force you off of your land.

Primitive Capitalism: You have two cows. Your neighbors have two cows. You enslave your neighbors and take their cows. Now you have four cows. You send your neighbors to invade the next town, giving you thirty two cows. Soon, you own all the cows and all the people in England, and declare yourself king. After several hundred years, your heir frees the serfs, hires them to milk the cows, and charges them rent.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Polish Capitalism: You have no cows because the Russians stole one, and the Germans killed the other for more Lebensraum. You head off to other parts of Europe working as a low-paid builder.

Police Capitalism: You have two cows. You tase them for fun, along with every living organism within range.

Real Estate Capitalism: You have two cows. Your cows are now worth a ton of money. But you convince people they will be worth more money in the future. You chop them up, sell them to investors, and collect billions from the government. No one can afford to milk anymore.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Your boss's son has twenty cows, and you kept pondering about how that's supposed to be fair.

Ron Paul Capitalism: Abolish Federal Reserve, go back to the gold standard, get the government out of the market, establish the free market and everyone wonders why the fuck they couldn't see that capitalism worked in the first place.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have forty two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Russian Reversal Capitalism: In Soviet Russia, two cows own YOU!.

Soviet Capitalism: You have two cows. Wait...did I say YOU have two cows? Haha, no. Comrade Stalin has two cows. Now off to the Gulag with you! (In Soviet Russia, cow have you!!!)

Samuel L. Jackson Capitalism: I'm sick and tired of these two mother fucking cows in this mother fucking field.

Saudi Capitalism: You have oil instead of cows. The Americans will take your oil and give you topnotch hi-tech cows that are engineered by Germans and made in China. Then you make a bilateral terrorism deal, so that you remain in power and they get oil.

Swedish Capitalism. You have two cows. You let a farm boy milk them and promises that he will get one in the future. And then buy him a security helmet.

Socialist Capitalism: You have two cows. They are both equally delicious.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two cow-ish giraffes. The cow-giraffe government requires you to take harmonica lessons. One of the cows/giraffes jump over the moon, and the moon winks at you.

Terrorist Capitalism: You have two cows. You fill them with dynamite. You tell them to activate it when they are on a farm with lots of cows. Then you retire to a cave and watch FIFA cows all day.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns. You buy them each a big truck.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Welfare Capitalism: You have two cows, you milk them. The more milk you get the more is taken from you and given to someone who didn't bother milking their cows.

Westboro Baptist Church Capitalism: You have two cows. They're going to hell. You protest the farm you got them from, saying that all the farmers and animals are gay and are going to hell. Then you die and go to hell. It would be ironic, but it's not because everyone expected it.

Xbox Capitalism: You have two cows. You mistake their udders for joysticks and get a face full of milk trying to play video games on them.

Zim Buddhist Capitalism: What is the sound of one cow milking?

Uncyclopedia Capitalism Article Capitalism: You have two cows. As they reproduce, they become less and less funny.

Capitalism: A Continuing Story

For a period of time following the aforementioned collapse of Communism, capitalist societies were free from the problems created by other societies doing things differently with lesbians. However, starting in the mid-1990's, some academics from special education classes put forth the idea that some modifications might need to be made to the system.

Most of the proposed changes, such as Universal Health Care, were readily dismissed as pointless attempts at improving upon an already flawless system. However, a few proposals, such as tort reform, managed to gain widespread support among the educated masses. The sudden collapse of two prominent capitalist headquarters of the United States of America in 2001 confirmed that no modifications need be made to Capitalism's current incarnation.

Alternatives to Capitalism

Why Communism, of course! Come comrades, for we must remove the shackles placed upon the working man by the bourgeois Republicans so that we may live in harmony in the glorious workers paradise!

The Capitalist system works wonderfully in theory but when you put it into practice it just doesn't seem to work.

It should be duly noted by all of humanity that Capitalism is ultimately an injustice. The same applies to any other ludicrous and, ultimately, oppressive socio-politico-economic structure of state society/civilization; including but not limited to- capitalism, socialism, Main Page - Nazism, fascism, capitalism, democracy/republicanism, feudalism, capitalism, aristocracy/monarchy, etc.

In short, there is no fundamentally viable alternative to capitalism within state-society, aside from communism, (Besides maybe whatever France has?) So start a tribe... you'll love it.

Or anarchists, who lead the path to wisdom. Abandon capitalism and you throw your chains from your shoulders. Onwards to a freedom so great that society can't help but collapse! Also, never trust anyone called an anarcho-capitalist. They are evil free-market goblins in disguise.

Critics

Throughout human history there were many important critics of capitalism, the most outspoken of them being Marx. One of his most famous statements on the failures of capitalism is: "capitalismisallwrong,man!itisinhumane,evilandkickkittensfornoreasonatall!". Many critics criticized Marx however, stating that "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU DO IT BETTER? BITCH!". To which Marx answered "iam!youjustdon'tnoticeit'cuzyoucan'tseethewayiamspeakingthewords". Marx's critics were baffled, but some years later a guy claimed he understood what he meant, so that he could become a dictator more easily and conquered Russia.

Marx also claimed that he would have supported capitalism, except he couldn't work out how to "get his bling on".

Benefits of Capitalism

Class pyramid

Capitalism is like a cake...The cake is a lie!

See also

Bouncywikilogo4
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joseph Stalin.

External links

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