St. Paul, Minnesota
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St. Paul is a Norwegian colony in the USA. In the early 1990s it became clear that this colony really was a covert attempt to secretly capture the entire world. The founder of this brilliant idea was the king himselves ( at the time ) Barg Vikernes, father of the present King Varg Vikernes. Exactly how Barg Vikernes came up with the idea is hard to explain, although the Norwegian people seemed to embrace the plan.
The Plan:
- Colonize Minneapolis
- ...XXX Classified to all below the Arctic Circle XXX..
- World domination
The American citizens already present in St. Paul would, according to this plan, be forced to eat huge amounts of "lutefisk" and drink gallons upon gallons of "vørterøl". This, alongside a massive use of the weird sweater "lusekofte," should later prove to be the very foundation of this still existing colony. Even today, Norwegians may be seen marching around, armed with ice cream and flags( especially on 17.of May. )
St. Paul is located in the Twin Cities metropolitan area, which is named after a baseball team. That team, ironically, is not the Minnesota Twins, but the Kansas City Royals. This has caused some animosity between Minnesota and Missouri, and led to a brief nuclear war in the late afternoon on June 23rd, 1986. By incredible chance, only one person was hurt during the war, who was hospitalized for a month due to a severely bruised ego. After his recovery, he hit the talk show circuit, and later landed the role as that guy in that movie. He has been acting ever since, has converted to Scientology 11 times, and reportedly enjoys painting and collecting photons.
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[edit] History
St. Paul was founded in 1832 by famed aviatrix Amelia Earhart, who was noted as saying while on a flight over the region "Jesus Christ, I hope I never have to land in this fucking hell hole. God save the foolish savages who call this wasteland their home."
St. Paul grew quickly, initially as a trading post specializing in the possessions of Amelia Earhart as well as airplane wreckage and parts. Soon, however, prostitution and petty crime became the staples of the St. Paul economy. Upon visiting St. Paul, founding father Benjamin Franklin was heard to say "who would have thought that I could find a backwater town where EVERY prostitute has syphilis, especially given that I've been dead for decades."
From its humble beginnings, St. Paul grew rapidly into a regional center of trade, quickly establishing itself as one of the upper midwest's five most influential capital cities, behind only Madison, WI, Bismark, ND, Fattyville, SD, and Iowa City, IA.
During the Civil War, St. Paul quixotically sided with the South, with Mayor R.J. Knottington saying emphatically "Damn the Yankees, they have the biggest cities- We will take that badge before this conflict ends." Sadly, with the victory of the North, St. Paul fell into poor standing with the Union, and was forced to pay steep reparations to neighboring cities, against whom it had launched several ill-conceived invasions including the 'bungle of Minneapolis' and the 'massacre at Anoka'.
As St. Paul's neighbor Minneapolis grew in size and influence, St. Paul was forced to undertake several large scale projects to attempt to regain its prestige as the center of Minnesotan culture- projects which included the Cathedral of St. Paul, the Ramsey's Westward Middle Finger Statue, and a vain attempt to reroute the Mississippi river through St. Paul's northern Suburb of Roseville in order to cut off Minneapolis from the source of its growth and affluence.
By the mid 1900's, St. Paul had become a major city to rival Reno NV, Portland OR, or even Austin TX. Again, the city took a daring stance by siding with the Soviet Union during the aftermath of World War II, with mayor Janice Whitman famously saying in 1951 "If the Russians win this, we'll be the only city left with more than a dozen people, take that New York you smarmy bastards"
After the St. Paul Wall came down in 1993, and St. Paul rejoined the western world, refocusing its economy from its soviet role as a manufacturer of barbed wire and low yield nuclear weapons to suit its role in the American economy by manufacturing barbed wire and low to medium yield nuclear weapons.
Today, St. Paul is a booming metropolis of more than 50 attractive people, including Mary Tyler Moore, who is quoted as saying "no, I lived in Minneapolis- and also that was a TV show, for the last time it wasn't real" when asked about her pride for life in St. Paul.
[edit] Famous St. Paulians
- The Artist Formerly Known as the Symbol Formerly Known as Prince. Wait no...he's from Minneapolis...hmm...lovely bridges
- Garrison Keillor, known heretofore as the Exalted Grand Poobah of the Sons of the Daughters of Norway.
- Odin.
- Thor.
- Paul Stone. Famous Wright Field Reds Baseball player who has never been to his namesake town, yet.
[edit] Trivia
- No other city have thrice hosted the Vegetable and Fruit Special Olympics, in the same year.
- St. Paul is the only city in Minnesota that is not the largest.
- The street plan of St. Paul was developed by a few drunk Irishmen.
- It was originally named "Pig's Eye". I'm not kidding. Seriously. It was.
- Its favorite color is purplish, but it also likes skiing.
- The capitol of Germany is not in St. Paul.
- Neither is China.
- It also likes long walks on the beach and romantic candle lit dinners.
- Almost all of this is nearly the same thing as on Minneapolis
- Was once radioactive and filled with cannibals
- In 2008, it was destroyed by Cthulha, a descendant of Cthulhu, and her army of United States soldiers along with the rest of the Twin Cities Metropolitan area.
