St. Louis, Missouri
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- You may be looking for the patron saint of barbers. If you are, please see Saints.
“ Saint Louis, Missouri, the gateway to freakin awesomeness . ”
“Take me to St. Louie, Louie, they have great fights there.”
St. Louis is the current Financial and crime capital of The Holy Federation Of Missouri. A city rich with tradition and loaded with historical significance, its origins can be traced back to the year 1024 BC. Founded by Joseph Pulitzer's pet dog Charles, the population quickly grew into the billions. The city's name derives from the Egyptian Pharaoh Sanitis Lucious, loosely translated as “Little Prince with Massive Assets”. The city as it stands today is a hub for such things as; lots of crime (it's the most dangerous city in the world and the United States), terrible hip-hop artists, alcohol, cats, and drugs.
As of the census of 2000, there are around 269,784,332 people, 154,777,322 households, and 3 families residing in the city proper and 2,798,300,269 people, 1,122,769,666 households and 4 families residing in the local metropolitan area. The population density is 3,125,115 per square kilometer. The racial makeup of the city is 10% African Decent, 4% White, 2% Asian, 1% Pacific Islander, 1% Hispanic, .02% Pokemon, -3% Eskimo, and 85% Native American. The median income per household is $12.59 and the median income for a family is $17.51 annually, except for the Jones's, who must be millionaires by now.
Currently St. Louis is ranked by the FBI, the Rand Corporation and the Alliance for Free Tibet as the safest city in the United States of America. Please noble world citizen, move to St. Louis, with its noble arches, unparalleled river views and enchanting house fires, which are definitely not a result of arson.
The city lies between two muddy rivers, the Mizzourey and the Mississippi. Contrary to popular belief, St. Louis was invented by the Sumerians over 4,000 years ago.
The city’s lack of any natural boundaries or sea ports as well as its location between several highly aggressive warring nations make it a natural tourist attraction and trading center. St. Louis is famous for its lack of mountains and abundance of water. And of course, the abundance of squirrels and blind deer.
The regular devastation that is caused by mass meteor showers has been traced to the fact that there a large deposit of magnetic materials mixed into the bedrock that seems to just yank passing meteors out of the sky. In fact, recent studies indicate St. Louis' electromagnetic field is as strong as that of the planet Jupiter, if not stronger.
Just east of the city, across the Euphrates, the legendary Cahokia Mounds are located. Popular belief is that they were built hundreds of years ago by Indian tribes for exercise purposes, however most St. Louisans believe them to just be...mounds.
Exports and Economy
The prime source of income from the city is the cultivation and harvesting of the rare suburban Emo.
Bio-tech is also a popular export. Some companies have tried to exploit this angle, but due to small marketing budgets, have only been able to see modest profits at best. An exception exists in the outrageously profitable Budweiser, a deadly biological weapon illegal under most international protocols. Anheuser-Busch, the unscrupulous defense contractor who manufactures the Budweiser microbe, is one of the largest employers in St. Louis.
Another major export of St. Louis is people. Attracted--or rather, unattracted to--St. Louis, hundreds of thousands of Asian, Pacific Islander, and both White St. Louisians have migrated to places with even shittier urban planning like St. Charles and Wildwood. Not far enough from St. Louis, and not white enough, people in St. Charles only created two bridges that are crowded all the time due to the Native Americans that get pulled over without passports. This creates even more "mini-St. Louises," white Republican disasters that keep spreading in all directions in the bi-state area.
One of the other St. Louis family traditions is to own a car dealership, which automatically gives that generation a PHD, <pop has dealership>
- St. Louis is also home to the The Holy Federation Of Missouri's Stock Market, as well as Schmuck's, a chain of overly priced grocery stores where nothing is on sale and everything is sold out.
Parks and Attractions
St. Louis is full of these. One amusement park that services the city, Six Flags, is abhorrently crowded with Asians and high school students every day of the year. St. Louis is also home to the St. Louis Zoo, the best zoo in America besides the San Diego Zoo, which really shouldn't count, because THEY have a panda.
St. Louis is also home to the St. Louis Art Museum (SLAM!!), The Grand St. Louis Art Museum (GRAND SLAM), The Science Center, The City Museum, and The History Museum. A Museum Museum is planned for 2012.
The most popular landmark in St. Louis is the world famous Gateway Arch. The Gateway Arch was designed by Finnish carpenter, Eero Saarinen (Yes, Finland is a real country). Standing at an impressive 6300 feet tall and 12600 feet wide, it is the world’s second largest monument, second only to Seattle's own Overly Large Phallic Symbol, but most women prefer the arch due to its greater girth.
Little known facts about the Arch: It is actually a robot which emits a force field of approximately 65,305,786 Joules per second. This force field acts as a deterrent for nuclear missiles (pronounced - miss-AISLES) and Kansas City. The "field" as it is referred to, also accounts for the crazy weather that St. Louis is famous for. Along with that, it has the duty of transforming into intergalactic spaceships from the movie Star Wars and distributing meth to the "Greater" St. Louis area, not unlike Santa Claus.
The city uses a ridiculous method of public transportation called the Metrolink, which never takes you where want to go, and then drops passengers off at random and with no warning. The city's bus system is driven by a bunch of monkeys with lead feet, specifically South American Lead-Footed Howler Monkeys. The bus system also acts as a secondary amusement ride as the monkeys tend to drive at insane speeds, have no sense of direction and like to drive on the wrong side of the road. While the city also has several taxi services, no one uses them as they are too expensive; it would be cheaper to buy your own plane and build an airport at each end of your commute.
St. Louis has an extensive interstate highway system that is world renowned for its uselessness and for always being under construction. The primary highways are: Highway 40/I-64, I-44, I-55, I-70, I-170, I-255, and I-270. The oldest of these is Hwy 40/I-64 (pronounced: Farty-Sixty-Far but most commonly as Farty), which was originally constructed around the year 350 BC. It consists of a single lane that is dominated by hairpin turns, steep hills and sudden drop-offs. There has been talk of improving Hwy 40/64 but most people are opposed to fixing it; as a matter of fact, it is currently illegal to even patch a pothole as it would destroy the historical significance of the road. MoDOT has successfully overruled this once timeless rule and has now shut Highway 40/64 down. This has many St. Louisianians aggravated, and are rebelling by hitting road workers with their vehicles. I-44 (pronounced: Eye Farty-Far) started its construction shortly after Highway 40, and is still under construction today, and will remain under construction until the end of time. I-55 manages to be one of the only usable roads around the city, but with a current speed limit of 5 miles per hour, commutes tend to take several days. I-70 does not officially exist (especially in the Metro-East), construction for this highway began in the 1950's but never got past the initial tree-clearing stages; this has not stopped local residents from using it, however. Both I-170 and I-270 are actually only a few hundred feet long each and serve no real purpose (Oddly enough, more than three-quarters of the highway budget goes to maintaining these two roads but not the Mississippi River crossing for I-270 because IDiOT does not give a care). Most people in the city have found cars too ineffective and now ride Triceratops' to work and back, but with only 4 usable buildings making up St. Louis's skyline, most people just decide not to work and instead stay inside where it has recently proven to be safer from the Gamma Radiation consuming the city.
St Louis is known for its own funky style of pizza. The St. Louis Style Pizza differs from normal pizza in that the toppings are placed right on top of the cardboard pizza box, and the inside of the box is filled with naked pictures of your mom. This style of pizza was created by Emo Phillips, although he sold the rights back in 1984 to Cecil B. DeMille, who plans to make a movie out of it later this year titled "A Brief Treatise on the Astounding Carcinogenic Properties of Pizzicus San Luigicus, or How to Make an Aardvark Vomit."
An Italian neighborhood in St. Louis named The Hill managed to make ravioli somehow taste more like vomit than it already does simply by toasting it. Joe Garagiola coined it "Ravioli Vomitti La Paste" in 1935. However, it was later renamed simply Toasted Ravioli, after the people of The Hill found out that Joe Garagiola was clinically insane and possibly a werewolf. Garagiola later went on to be a dog show announcer.
Other local culinary attractions include Ted Drewes, which sells freshly mixed concrete that has been chilled below water's freezing point; and the Pasta House, which operates out of buildings that are (strangely enough) made out of pasta.
Suburbs of St. Louis
- Chesterfield - Teenagers who are not walking billboards for Abercrombie, Hollister or similar clothing companies are shot on sight. New residents are issued, along with their poorly constructed 4br, 3ba house in the Valley worth no more than 3 cows (or 1 oxen), a GMC Yukon (because you want to support the American economy and feel safe, plus they saved on their house) and ordered to change their childrens' names from the oh-so-common "Jack" and "Kate" to the unique "kAyLeIgH" or "AmberLynn" or even "elYse"...and it doesn't matter who gets what name. Still doesn't have a grocery store, despite having something like 3.14159 thousand people.
- Florissant - 90 percent of the population spends their free time (which is all the time, mind) bowling, smoking Parliaments and imitating Mike Shannon during Cardinals games. Unbeknownst to them, Shannon imitates a person from Florissant during broadcasts: that is to say, laughing maniacally, drinking icy-cold Budweiser (preferably out of tall boys, or one of those cold mugs you get at Walgreens that break within two days of purchase) and only occasionally making any sense. Tends to get invaded by people from Hazelwood looking for a grocery store (Florissant does, not Mike Shannon).
- St. Charles - An exact, smaller copy of St. Louis with a bit less black people and not as much crime.
- St. Peters - A lot like St. Charles except it has more money and a rec-plex.
- O'Fallon - Home of Man-Eating Subdivisions and Hot Topics
- Lake St. Louis - Has the most original name of any St. Louis suburb. There's an artificial lake for old people and hobos to take a dump in, and it thinks it's a tourist attraction because of Wal-Mart and its impressive population of nearly 16 people.
- Frontenac - Saint Louis' attempt at a 'rich' suburb.
- Arnold - One of the most corrupt cities in the St. Louis area. Shady deals occurred between city officials and developers, resulting in some neighborhoods being built on waste lagoons and dumps. They're literally built on piles of shit.
- Beverly Hills- A very poor area of Northern St. Louis. The name Beverly Hills was chosen as the name of the town as a ploy to trick richer St. Louis residents in traveler over there thinking that it would be "just like 90210" only for them to realize that some crackhead stole the hubcaps to their car.
- Hazelwood- This area of St. Louis County is treated like Jerusalem to many residents of the neighboring St. Charles and St. Louis. This is mostly because Hazelwood contains Lambert International Airport & St. Louis Mills mall, which charges admission for the privilege of gazing upon its wondrously bizarre decor. This area is also very diverse, being filled with a largely white population with a large minority of blacks and camel jockeys. The schools in Hazelwood are also envied by many residents of St. Charles county and St. Louis county. This is because the middle schools and high schools here get bomb threats every other day which leads to students doing pretty much nothing. Like Chesterfield, Hazelwood lacks grocery stores. Hazelwood, however, has the highest per-capita number of fast-food joints in the nation, with something like 8.2 restaurants per person before the second Arby's was pulled down.
- Rock Hill - The speed limit here is 30 miles per hour. Anything above that and a cop will use his ticket-sense (given to them by Chief of Police Peter Parker) to find you and give you a lecture about how you compromised the safety of others. In reality, he's just allowing this "village" to attempt to justify why exactly it has its own police department, and keeping his city rolling in it.
- Kirkwood - A city whose soft whisper beckons the insane: pedophiles, rapists, and murderers named "Cookie". On one end is Meacham Park, which is full of black people and is generally ignored by the rest of the town (unless some kid from there can run damn fast and catch a football, in which case he is treated as a god or the second coming of Jeremy Maclin). On the other is a highly cyclical life: older gentlemen who are most often lawyers, or bankers, or own car dealerships have kids, send them to private schools known for social-climbing (either Villa, St. Joe's or Viz if it's a girl, and almost always Chaminade if the kid is a boy, although lately some renegades have been pushing their sons toward SLUH to become hipsters), have them go to public colleges (most often out-of-state, although many are heading back to Mizzou because they want to be there if and when the Tigers win anything) where they will join Greek organizations and meet boys named Chad or girls named some variation of Margaret, marry them and move back to Kirkwood, where they will take their fathers' position at the bank or law office or dealership (strictly through connections, mind, as they did nothing but drink and have buttsecks at college) and have the wifey do charity work and start the cycle over again. Kirkwood is in the bad part of West County. The difference from the bad and good parts of West County are: There are black people in the bad parts, the houses aren't owned by Asian hookers and white rich people, and the bad part doesn't have any armed rich white kids trying to be black and look ghetto.
- Webster Groves - Essentially like Kirkwood, but with fewer black people. These two towns inexplicably hate each other, which is odd because the only major difference an outsider could tell is that their downtowns have different colored banners. Like kirkwood, Webster is inhabited by two types of people: Those who overpay for big houses, and those who overpay for small houses. Those who live in the big houses can afford to overpay, while those who overpay for the small houses are now "white house-poor wannabes" who think that living in a 900 square foot house is cool and hip because they live in Webster. These "white house-poor wannabes" are as delusional as poor black people who buy BMW's and Escalades.
- Fenton - Don't kid yourself. You've passed by it a couple times on 44 and got depressed just looking at it. If you're lucky your high school's soccer team played here in the state finals (only to lose, incomprehensibly, to Rockhurst) and it took you ten years to find a place to park. It's not all bad, though: they've got a QuikTrip, which is the greatest convenience store on Earth. Anyone who says otherwise is itching for a fight. Plus, Krispy-Kreme Is the BEST doughnut shop.
- Maplewood - A small suburb with all of the St. Louis charm (break-ins, carjacking, racial tension and corrupt police force), Maplewood sits just outside of the city and was given honorable mentions at the 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 "GENTRY" awards for "sticking to their guns" of gentrifying the neighborhood as fast as the banks could foreclose on the "problematic urban areas". Look fast enough and you may just watch the liquor store or used car lot metamorphose into an enviro-conscious coffee shop or web design agency.
- Ladue - Considered the 'elite' suburb of Saint Louis, considered the laughing stock of the much more affluent suburbs of Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Baltimore, and even Kansas City. It's more like La-Don't, really.
- Clayton - Where the elite meet to inbreed and spend exorbitant amounts of money on skinny jeans, dresses designed only to be worn with leggings, Chuck Taylors and ironic t-shirts. Twice a year, the youth (who often will end up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn living off their trust fund while attempting to become a famed blogger) of these towns play hockey against each other. The game normally isn't good, but the fights (which often tend towards all-out bloodbaths) in the crowd are why the neutrals show up--odds are you've been inadvertently pepper-sprayed at a Hounds-Rams game. It's the closest thing Americans will ever have to fights between ultras, barras bravas, whatever you want to call it.
- Oakville - The largest St. Louis suburb, Oakville is inhabited by 547,734,768 people, with the largest minority group being "White, but not as white as the rest of those assholes." Though it originally grew in size and prosperity, size increases were slowed in 1645 when former Mayor Paul Stanley redesigned the town in its current mold. It is well-known for its cultural diversity, which includes a St. Louis-area record 57 Walgreens and over seven minorities. It is well-known as a hub for local industry, with the top industries being Jack in the Box tacos, in-progress construction projects, and racism.
- Wentzville - From here westward begins the end of modern western civilization. Ideals such as "equality" "diversity" and "technology" are nowhere to be found in this area. Instead, good ol' fashioned farmin' and redneckin' are observed. If traveling west from Wentzville onward, modern civilization does not appear again until California. Though perhaps the richest neighborhood in Missouri.