St. Colman's College
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“I remember on the weekends, myself and about 12 gentleman friends would frequent St Colman's College and help ourselves to the young boarding pupils, the headmaster never participated only watched ..... drooling, what a strange chap ”
Rated worst boys' grammar school in Northern Ireland, St. Colman's College, Newry was founded as the Dromore Diocesan Seminary in 1823 by Fr. J.S. Keenan. The teachers are particularly evil being led by the the renowned dark lord Kinky Brown. The school specialises in science and murder and continues to produce more murderers per year group than any other school in Newry.
Known throughout Ireland and beyond as Violet Hill - or more commonly Dachau, the College currently has an enrolment of 861 prisoners, 44 being on death row. However the lasagne served in the canteen was of a fairly decent standard. One of the few boarding schools left in the country, the authorities often turn a blind eye to the treatment of the orphans that live in the school. Local legend maintains that there are no locks on the bedroom doors, and that priests have twenty-four access to those tiny bums.
It is named in honour of St Colman, although little of what goes on in this death camp could be considered religious in nature. There have been many appeals over the years to have this institution shut down, but these attempts have all fallen on deaf ears. It is clearly obvious that the authorities are completlely aware of the regular torture and executions that go on in this hell hole but have no desire to do anything about it.
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[edit] Aims of the college
Every boy carries the Aims of the College on his blazer pocket: Bonitas, Disciplina, Scientia.
Bonitas: the joy of purification of the soul through the administration of pain; to develop a personality condusive to the application of suffering.
Scientia: to encourage the study of students in the area of the inducement of suffering; to equip each student with a set of malevolent attitudes towards others.
Disciplina: to instill through the operation of the school's discipline, that self-discipline necessary to break ones spirit.
[edit] Location
Those at the highest levels have a characteristic quality of extreem selfishness in relation to the land allegedly owned by the school. This manifests itself in the desire never to sell any whether due to the toxins residually present in the soil from the gas chamber , the mine field or the hopes that one day it will become a popular rock venue (much like Auschwitz is today).
Man: Can you tell me how to get to St. Colmans College?
Local: Yes. You go straight down the road, turn left at the crossroads, then right after that. Then, you'll have to go through a checkpoint with armed guards so do as they say or they might anal probe you or something. . .after that go straight, turn right at the pile of dead bodies then your there! Oh and you might never leave that place.
Man: Yeah, your funny but seriously. . .
Local: I'm telling the truth!
Man: Sure you are. . .Now tell me the real way!
Local: I am! (Mumbles) Hope you have a good ass doctor!
[edit] Attitudes
Those at the highest levels have a characteristic quality of extreme selfishness in relation to their students. This manifests itself in the desire to regularly bully, beat, murder, assault, cause GBH, grope, embarrass and generally psychologically torture students of the school. This psychological torture can be evident for years to come. A Vast majority of those attending have been known to suffer vivid and often trance inducing flashbacks to their time at St.Colmans. With much therapy and cold showers disaster has been avoided. Past pupils, boarding pupils especially, have been alleged to 'walk funny' using the parlance of the Newry local intelligensia. This however is mere speculation. Similarly, rumours of high levels of 'the creepy kind of homosexuality' being exclusive to this school are utter shitting guff. 'Rival School' Abbey CBS - with a mad Fascist for a Principal who looks like Bill Clinton and is an equally deceptive knob-nibbler - is also an equally weird institution and has recently won a Golden Gay award at The European School Awards for Privelidged Schools. Also around the school, especially at lunchtime a weird small, stumpy and baldy figure known merely as " The Paedo Teacher " by some has been repotedly attempting to be-friend pupils by standing close trying to listen to their conversations and repeatedly sending them away from the coveted bus shelters!
[edit] Science Department
As St. Colman's College is firmly linked to the "priesthood" and an offshot of the Vatican, it is infact its own country and as such does not hold true to the geneva convention or the human rights act of 1998. This segregation from the outside world and its laws has allowed the College to carry out many scientific and sexual "experiments" which to outside eyes my seem inhumane and diabolical. All classes, regardless of age conduct experiments in the field of gene therapy and cloning (This sometimes leads to peculiar results). In the past many test subjects have displayed rather disturbing features and sub human IQ. But the ever resourceful staff have put these people to good use. You can find them making your dinner, cleaning your used test tubes and melted pen off the the still warm bunsen burners.
[edit] Sporting Life
The School Is One of the most successful sporting schools. With past pupils such as Greg Blaney and James McCartan. Currently they possess a future star who is being touted for the famed AFL, Dundrums Eamon King, King has made a meteoric rise through the ranks, yet still holds true to his grudge that he should have at least made the Dalton Cup squad of 2008 whatever will Ned do? Another suprise inclusion in the footballing world of the college is Fordo, the midget will undoubtedly feature in the future of this country, be it in football or paedophilia.
Also a new addition to the faculty, a Mr. McGlinchy (if that is his real name) has been mentioned in many reports of very " inappropriate behaviour "! lol But he's actually a good teacher!
