St. Bees School

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“"St Bees School produces the cream of Cumbrian students: rich and thick”
“The Eton of West Copeland”
St. Bees School
St Bees Crest
Motto Expecta dominum
(Our Domino's pizza is coming)
Established 1583
Headmaster The Head
Founder Archpieshop Edmund Grindal
Chaplin Rev. Lars Nowen
Chairman Mao
Location St Bees, Cumberland, England
Type Independent school
Affiliation Al Quaeda, Hammas, ISA, HMC, HMPS
Enrollment 300 (approx.)
Faculty 50
Mascot The St. Bees School Lecher
Colours Blue
Newpaper The Daily Mail
Yearbook "The Packet"
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about St. Bees School.

St. Bees School, one of the great English Pubic Schools, is a medium-sized co-educational 'school' adjoining the village of St Bees in West Cumbria. The school is approved by the Dept. of Education, and is a member of HMC (Harley Motorcycle Club). The school year matches the national standard, there being three terms, Samhain, Imbolc and Beltane, traditionally known as 'Terms'. The students include a number of aliens (mostly yellow-skinned), as well as a significant percentage of dyslexics and 'educationally-disadvantaged' persons, some of whom are teachers.

It was founded by Archpieshop Edmund 'Giz yer fuckin munny ye bustard' Grindal as a "boys free grammar school", an idea which has since fallen by the wayside in favour of what the current Bursar called "the squeeze their nipples till they pay" policy.


"Nobody expects the Independant Schools Authority..."

The school is inspected every few years or so by the Independent Schools Authority, a body designed to show other European Union governments that the British Government has a sense of humour. This is supposed to be a random inspection, but everyone knows when it is coming because of the traditional ceremony of 'Placing'. In this, toilet paper and small pieces of soap are placed at strategic locations, and for the four or five days of the inspection contract caterers supply real food. Any pupil seen talking to the inspectors is hanged, quartered, and the bits displayed on the school gates until the kitchen steals them.



The Quadrangle... "cor, it's like Hogwarts, isn't it!"

St. Bees School is a very old 'school' for wealthy peasants’ children, and the bastard offspring of foreign businessmen. It has a significant number of students from China and the former Soviet Block, so much so that the school has introduced a policy of racial segregation, and strict controls on breeding (the six inch rule). Students on average spend seven years in St. Bees School, although for some students the time spent can be as little as two weeks and a haircut. Students sit GCSEs and A levels, although in the sixth year they are given the option to study for the "St. Bees School Award", a universally-recognised qualification with an average value of 420 UCAS points. A totally unrelated statement from the Head of Admissions in Cambridge stated that "the St Bees School Award is no longer a qualification of any interest to us ...”

International centre

The Inscrutable International Centre

There are three terms, for each of which the fee is currently £6,666 and three slave children for the kitchens. However, it's like air travel ... everyone pays a different amount in the end. There are significant scholarships, and smaller awards known as Buggeries, offered to anyone who can find their backside with both hands. The school is currently nominally run by The Head, an autocratic ex-state-school pratt, whose job it is to interpret the collective will of the cabal of crime lords, religious fanatics, militants and otherwise-unemployed parents who are known as the Guv'nors. Day-to-day justice is administered by the Prefects, a select group who are allowed to drink heavily in their rooms, skive off work, and bully younger children. The qualifications for promotion to this position are to have a rich father, and to come in from sports covered with more mud than anyone else.


Edmund grindal

Edmund Grindal, the promiscuous founder of the school.

The original human habitations in the area were primitive shelters erected by Neolithic men, a tradition maintained to this day on the boys' boarding houses. At the end of the Dark Ages, St Bega, an Irish saint who drove all the bees out of Ireland, crash landed here whilst testing her invention, the 'motor coracle'. She established a church and convent, later turned into a significant monastery. During the sixteenth century, Henry VIII had the monastery torn down after the 'Oi! ginger-pubes!' incident of 1583. Some years later, Archbishop Grindal, who spent most of his life in the Tower of London ( a place of torture for enemies of the state (see Travellodge)), accepted a bet that 'he couldn't build a school in the most desolate place in Christendom'.

The builders nicked the stones left from the dissolving of the monastery, or at least those which hadn't dissolved, the result of which was that the school was built for £366, which suggests that it is criminally over-valued today. To this day the school still has two churches, and over twenty compulsory services per week. The 'Foundation Building' was the first of the main structures to be erected, and looks it. The school opened for business in 1586, this being in fact literally true ... one of the earliest headmasters used the boys as cheap labour for his own interests, and was eventually fired after the Guv'nors found that the boys had learned a practical skill as opposed to Latin and History.

After this, nothing interesting happened for centuries. The villagers, whose ancestors were a mutant cross between Neolithic men and Vikings, scratched the ground and grew things, and until recently the school and the church blackmailed these poor bastards into paying rents and tithes, which kept the school alive. This also paid for the 'Science' Block, built by Sir Henry Science for the teaching of Divinity, and the Firsts rugby pitch. The school served as a prison in World War One, a tradition still jealously maintained by the school. After World War Two, once the staff had been released from internment camps, the school used the money in the swear jar to buy a brand new building, and after demolishing the orphanage and hospital that stood on the site, the so-called 'Whitelaw building' was constructed, for the teaching of eugenics and the passing on of white supremacist ideals.

At the present time, archaeologists are investigating whether or not the school was established under a Royal Charter. If this is proven to be accurate, then the school will have three weeks of feasting, and the school chaplain will be roasted in effigy. The Queen will then arrive with a certificate, a £12 blockbuster voucher and a Holy Reliquary to bestow upon the school (we believe it may be Menzies Campbell's head).



A typical game of ruggers on the Grindal pitch.


St. Bees students practice the burning of Heretical texts in the Home ec. department.

The school technically owns the majority of the land surrounding the school and possesses: two rugby pitches ('Firsts' and 'Sloppy Seconds'), one swamp football pitch (thirds), and a scale model of Verdun (Grindal pitch). There are also four hockey pitches (called 'The Hockey Pitches'), a Himalaya-themed golf course, and a small island off the east coast of Australia (see St Bees Island).

The visitor first sees the school on entering the Quadrangle. This is surrounded on three sides by ancient stone walls, complete with Crenellations on the Clock Tower (which doesn't work) and some uninteresting carving. However, although the building on the north side is original, the other bits were added in the nineteenth century by a forward-looking and financially-aware headmaster, who didn't fit the image of a Head of St Bees, and was fired for his pains.

Over the front door is the school's crest, which openly declares the ethos - 'Ingredere ut proficias' (Latin: the ingredients are profitable). The imposing ersatz medieval front door is almost always locked. This is because it opens into a filthy transverse corridor, often 2" deep in rainwater, which is used for storage, and stinks of sweaty sports clothing. The remainder of the main building consists of a mish-mash of undersized and eccentrically-positioned rooms, the whole being thought to have been designed over the centuries by twenty-three different architects, and put together by disabled pupils in lieu of sports activities.

Human geog

Although much of the food from the outside caterers is grown just outside Belgrade, much of the poached fish is sourced locally.

Other buildings include the Swimming Pool (which doesn't), and the Old Gymnasium - this is a misnomer, as it was originally named after its Saxon builder, Old Jim Naismith.

The Library, used to impress visitors, contains the largest collection of out-of-date books in the UK, bought by the kilo from bankrupt libraries. Books often 'disappear', and it may be no coincidence that the nearby town of Workington contains the largest second-hand bookshop in the north of England. It is also the only library in western Europe to have the 'Origin of the Species' (Darwin) in the fiction section (go and check... we'll wait).

The quaintly-named 'kitchens' are part of the creative art department. The food is themed to match the St Bees weather, the meat, potatoes, and most of the soups being coloured grey; and the consumption of them generally a portent for stormy weather. Two north-of-England universities (UCUM and UCLAN) send their archaeological students here, to practice carbon dating on the floor crusts.

Finally, almost in the centre of the school's grounds stands a large wooden shack known as 'The Pavilion'. This has the distinction of being the only building left in Europe with a packed-earth floor. A medieval jock-strap dug out of this in 1971 has been dated as being made in 1439, and is thought to have belonged to one of St Bega's nuns.

We won't even start on the Crease, as it is holy ground, some say blessed by Edmund Grindal himself (when not under water in the winter).



While the hockey team may be varied in talent, they have persistently better breeding than many other schools.

For those who fail to sate their sado-masochistic urges at daily self-flagellation (also known as registration), there is the option to take up any of a range of sports including (and exclusively) Rugby and Cricket. Ladies may take up hockey sticks, and a small proportion of these actually go on to play the game. There is also a 'ladies' rugby team', for the use of the more muscular and less mannerly female students, who are required to wear depressingly heavy navy-blue woolly knickers. The First XV Captain is carried around the school on a seated golden throne, by the slave children of the international centre on every third Wednesday of the month in the Xmas term. As this glorious procession weaves its way around the school palms are spread along the route. All lower persons to this mighty warrior bow and give praise to their saviour, and if the first XV captain can identify his shadow without becoming alarmed, confused or scared, then it is often an omen of an early spring.


In order to appear more than simply a cash-cow for the unemployed farm labourers, haemorrhoid sufferers, and failed pederasts that comprise the staff, the school historically forced students to take up any number (specifically 4) of activities including:

Christian Union

the selection was expanded however after students were found to be fermenting holy texts into alcoholic beverages. students still make 'biblebeer', but in much smaller batches. New clubs now include

Video Club
Chess Club
A Capella blues, gospel and chorus band experience (choir)
Amateur Guerilla warfare (Archery, chemistry and Christian union)
Hammas Recreational Tennis
Recreational Swimming
Recreational Sex (Various days, various locations)
Ya Mam

Head Boy

This position is reserved for the pupil who shows the greatest talent in all attributes of the school - leadership from the back of the rugger field, the ability to constantly pick the winner at the Grand National, being good at rugby and whose father was an old boy as well as being part of the Independent Schools Inspectorate. Signed photos of "The Leader" are sold in the School Shop with full size latex models available on request. Each first year pupil is issued with a set of knee pads to make prolonged periods of worship at the shrine of this glorious one less painful.



Here we see a cadet receiving a lesson in the martial art of Pace stick fighting from a senior officer.

Students are conscripted into the Combined Cadet Force at the age of 14 and are trained into remorseless killing machines by the NCOs and Officers. The CCF has a long and proud history, including the capture of 'Sword' beach in Operation Overlord and the defeat of the so-called Lancashire United Nationalist Terrorists (LUNT), and their Cumbrian allies, whose initials speak for themselves. Previous cadets go on to lead rich full wives, and being in the CCF has many perks such as playing with guns, cleaning guns and ironing. Every Thursday the cadets assemble and await orders from the Centurion of the CCF. Due to a rising tide of Political Correctness, cadets are no longer issued with weapons, and all orders must be prefixed with the word 'please'. The CCF has been described as "a special thing, in a special school".


Very much like Harry Potter, when they arrive students are placed into Houses. Unlike Harry Potter the houses are initially designated based on the possession of a penis (since 2002 surrogate penises do not count), as opposed to all that crap with the magic hat. All girls are designated into Bega House, and all boys are placed into Abbots Court, where they are tried as minors.

After four years, the students graduate to the senior houses. Girls go into Lonsdale house, a terrace of colour-washed disused nineteenth-century brothels, some of which are traditionally returned to their original purpose at weekends. The boys are subdivided into either Grindal House or School House. A great deal of speculation has gone into how the boys are subdivided, and an official source stated that "it has something to do with what the carrots tell me". The truth is that those allocated to School House are too mentally deficient (or 'sports oriented') to find their way to the school each morning from any greater distance. School House is also known for the underground cage-fighting circuit that it perpetuates, the often Paleological mental and tribal structure, the rampant bacchanalian orgies that frequently occur, and the communal showers. The rumour circulates that Grindal House have pillow fights in their underwear, are teetotal, celibate and have en suite showers with hot running water... through the ceiling into the room below. This is often the construct of Penis envy from School house. That said, Grindal has produced some of the finest minds of the 20th and 21st centuries, many of whom occupy the prisons, asylums and dark places of the world.

There is a vicious rivalry between School House and Grindal, and fights frequently erupt all over the world when two boys from opposing houses chance to meet (see the war of Yon Kipper and the Bosnian war). The boys are given the chance to kick the bejeesus out of each other and vent their testosterone and wrath under the guise of friendly competition in 'the House Cup', and the girls are given the chance to clean up, cook and raise children.

Speech Day


The chemistry department, Ant and Dec. Try to work out which one is which. We can't.

Every year, the school holds a speech day. This is essentially derived from a Celtic tradition of Sparchsday, whereby young men would endure pain and torment to prove their masculinity. The day begins with the traditional worship ritual in the Norse Temple, whereby a guest preacher is invited to slit the throat of a duck as an offering to the dark one and provide an effective cure for insomniacs (recordings available on CD at the School Shop at £450). A great choir sing the school song (Give me Sunshine) at this event and a cloaked dark mysterious figure (whom, some say, even has the powers of the Count himself) batters out the Dracula theme on the famous Priory organ. This is followed by the actual speeches. First the Headmaster delivers a laborious soliloquy which ineffectively summarises the entire year (or any other year). This is followed by the giving of prizes, followed by a speech from any old individual who wanted a free dinner and was sort of around at the time and who may or may not have been to St Bees (or both).

Old St Beghians


The Head.

Former pupils of St Bees call themselves 'Old St Beghians'. Old St Beghians are frequently of both genders and are immune from international copyright law. The Old St. Beghian society is very powerful, and notable members include Barack Obamamamamamamamama, Chris de Burgh and Tony Blair. Old St. Beghians must be either grossly overweight, or clinically emaciated, and also believe that they can play golf. They have a unique handshake, whereby they touch with the right hand and then place the left hand in the pocket of the other person and remove the wallet. Old St. Beghians also have a motto that they must remember and use at the school on Old Boys Day to prove that they are truly an old St Beghian, the motto being "per deus puella ut ego eram hic ut ut is eram a verus schola" (By God, Sir - they didn't have girls when I was here - that's when it was a proper school).

Notable alumni

  • The Caliph of Baghdad
  • Rowan Akinson
  • Fletcher Christian
  • All of the people who voted against Robert Mugabe
  • Chris Fraser
  • The Nizam of Hyderabad
  • Emile Heskey
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
  • Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi

Music and Art

All pupils are encourage to embrace their creative side, nd also the creative side of members of staff. The art department shows all pupils how to apply war paint prior to the "House Cup" and some of this countries top graffiti artists are former pupils. In an interesting sidenote, the Head of Arts is noted for his brief stint playing Dr. Jekyll in the West End Show of the same name. He was simply given the script and filmed saying the lines at different times of the day, and with varying stimuli.

The music department is a hive of activity, led by a charismatic and dynamic leader. Activities include the school band (to accompany our brave CCF solders to the Holy Ground of the Crease for Crease Inspection Day), the Choir who specialise in new and exciting ways to sing the School Song (louder has been the chosen ideology for some time) and other traditional works ("Anarchy in the UK" and "Another brick in the wall"), and has a recording studio where recordings of the guest speaker on Old Boys day are turned into exciting versions of various types of rap music.



Just your average teacher

Recent controversies include the school's publishing of the revisionist historical text "The war of the roses isn't over, Yorkshire just went in for tea", and the alleged involvement of members of the staff in the so-called "Cumbrian Republican Army: Provisional" (CRAP).

In 2006, the then Estates Manager, a former supplier of building materials to Her Majesty’s Prison service, was found guilty of embezzlement. He was sentenced to five years imprisonment, however only serving two weeks before the front of the prison fell off. This also led to the escape of a man who became a travelling dramatic poet, and who came back to haunt the school early in the 07/08 school year.

Since the dawn of time, a man claiming to be employed by the school has undertaken various janitorial tasks. Known only as "The Cleaner" he roams the corridors a restless spirit, buffing floors and performing other tasks. Although he has been known to leave the school for brief periods of time (including once to play drums for KISS), it is thought that when on grounds owned by the school, he does not age. Experiments by the military lead to the introduction of electrodes into his head and the removal of emotions in an attempt to make him the ultimate killing machine. However, he is inactive until hearing the trigger phrase "honey coated cocktail sausages".

In 2009 Abbots Court was sold. No official reasoning having been given, rumours circulated including that it had been sold for the profit of the Governors and that it was now being used as an organ harvesting plant by the new owners - Wilkinson Hardware Stores Ltd. A spokesperson from Governerville (formerly known as Laos) made the following statement, "OI! I'M RUNNING OUT OF BANK NOTES TO WIPE MY ARSE WITH AND I'M NOT GONNA START USING COINS AGAIN!"

Police have recently uncovered the bodies of many former members of staff underneath the altar of the priory, many of them mutilated ritualistically but most of them dead. It is believed that no member of staff has actually left the school, but have been offered up as an almighty sacrifice to the Independant Schools Authority.

Finally, the St Bees rumour mill is an economic-sociological-physical-mathematical model which has caused much controversy in the world of physics and sociology. On the 12th November 2009 a rifle will be fired from an upper window of Grindal house into the top of School House, while at the same time a rumour will be circulated in the pool room on Grindal. The aim is to see if the rumour will reach the intended target, before the bullet does. Scientists are astounded by the suspension of the laws of physics in the area with regard to the fact that a rumour in St Bees is able to move faster than the speed of light. Other scientific anomalies include the 'science block dust'. Normal dust is made of particles of dead skin, however science block dust is made of thousands of tiny carnivorous organisms. these organisms are ferocious, tenacious and loquacious (tricolon, for effect) and are unshiftable from clothing. it is believed that in the dark, these creatures can strip a horse to its very bones in less than a minute. Previous biology teachers have left pets in the labs overnight by accident and discovered this to their cost.


In seven years at the school the students are allowed to earn various ties. These function like gang colours and allow the students to identify, at a moments notice, the exact worth of another student. The ties are as follows:

  • Pleb tie. given upon induction to any students. If one can keep the pleb tie for seven years one is awarded a ragged pleb tie made of solid gold.
  • IC tie. Awarded to members of the International centre so that they can be identified without the need for racist remarks.
  • House tie. not unlike a blazon of arms, it display the allegience, religious leaning and sexuality of its wearer... the differences are invisible to outsiders
  • CCF tie. Awarded to a member of the CCF for the collection of four scalps in battle
  • Head of CCF tie (insert joke about sycophancy/ sodomy here).
  • Arse tie. Awarded for excellence in the Arse, including Music, the Dramatic Arse, and having a nice Arse.
  • Sports tie. See CCF tie
  • Chess tie. Awarded to students who have been stealing from the archives
  • Prefect tie. Awarded to those who become prefects (which is a joke enough in itself)
  • House Prefect tie. Awarded to those who become members of the House Prefect brewing and distilling corporation
  • Head of School tie. See Head of CCF tie.
  • Old Boys tie. Awarded to those who pay for it. Ridiculously expensive and made from Vietnamese toilet roll, these quickly wear out, and function as a source of income for the school.
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