From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Squirrels, aids Sciurus (many sub classes) are a common form of rodent found almost everywhere on the planet. This proliferation of the species is due to their heightened cosmic awarness. Several hundred-thousand years ago, the first ping of an intergalactic radio broadcast arrived at Earth, after being originally trasmitted millions of years earlier by a distant planet. The first intelligent beings to recognize the repetition of this cosmic broadcast was the squirrel, their tails being natural radio receptors.
When the aliens first visited Earth, the squirrels were the first creatures to approach and communicate with them. For this friendly greeting, the squirrels were blessed by the aliens with intelligence and insight beyond their mamalian ancestry. Quickly adapting to all planetary conditions and viruses, the squirrel thrives today among the human race with a grace and ease like that of no other animal. The human populace is largely unaware of the cosmic ancestory and magesty of the squirrel and has become so accostomed to seeing the animal, that they barely devote a thought to them. Much to the loss and eventual downfall of humanity.
Squirrels, monkeys and humans share a common ancestry. When the human species as we know it began its evolution from the monkeys which were removed from the trees, it was the squirrels that stayed in the trees. Continuing a similar mental evolution as the humans, squirrels quickly adapted to their environment, displacing the monkeys from the trees and thus taking part in the genesis of the human species. Furthermore, the squirrel species encountered a nasty fruit one day thus stunted their physical development to that of the humble lolcat. A parallel theorem also emerged during 30's in the Center of Excellence for Squirrel Therapy (CEST) at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. According to this theorem, the squirrels have lived for a long time under the frozen oceans and could survive several cycles of global warming in the last millions of years. A leak from CEST files showed that there exist a vast number of squirrel species who live just under the university pond and only a few of them are seen on the black walnut trees around the pond. However, DNA tests on those squirrels raised the question that whether they are originally related to the other species found across the campus or not. CEST was shutdown during 70's and its facilities were distributed among other departments in UMass. During shutdown, many squirrels campaigned and resigned from their scientific chairs across the nation.
Squirrels mostly receive sustenance from open and discarded bags of Lay's Classic Potato Chips at nearby train tracks. It has been postulated that they would also enjoy whatever beer is left in that can over there.
A direct correlation has been found between the number of Lay's Classic Potato Chips consumed and the average girth and rotundness of squirrel friends. This groundbreaking study has led to an explosion in recognizing the incidence of squirrel obesity-related health conditions. The World Squirrel Health Organization (WSHO) reports that by 2025 up to 37% of the urban squirrel population will be severely to morbidly obese. In turn, the WSHO expects the incidence of type II diabetes, congestive heart failure, and hypertension to quintuple in the squirrel population over the next 15 years. Dr. Jan Lanskovitch at Harvard University Center for Squirrel Health states that, "...at the present rate, squirrel obesity-related illnesses will account for 67% of insurance costs and effectively cost 293 billion over the next ten years." Current measures to slow down this epidemiological trend involve community education, the development of effective treatments, and not throwing your half-eaten bag of chips on the tracks.
Most respected and world renowned Jay Rinstein of Brown University's Department of Squirrelhood has devised an elegant series of stages documenting squirrel obesity based on his thorough meta-analysis and innovative imaging modalities. Stages include components analogous to humans such as denial. Squirrel denial of hibernation termination serves as a great conflict and represents a significant obstacle for all squirrels to overcome during their period of emerging squirrelhood. Fortunately, Brown University's flexibility in allowing students to plan their own personalized academic careers has allowed Rinstein's department to flourish and remain well funded in order to further these studies to help address this pressing issue.
edit Oxygen and Forests
One of the main points of communication the Squirrels received was regarding the balance of gasses in the Earth's atmosphere. Oxygen being the key element needed to sustain the current biological diversity. Squirrels are responsible for planting 80% of the forests as well as their maintenance. (The remaining 20% coming from trees natural reproduction. Most humans believe the squirrels simply forget where they have buried their food, and thus many tree seeds are left in the ground. But those blessed with true Squirrel Gnosis, or knowledge, share this enlightened state of mammalian oxygenation support strategy with the Squirrels.
edit Squirrels and Humans
Squirrels are evolving. We all know one recently learned how to water ski. The changes may seem subtle but keep this in mind. It took humans 3 million years to learn how to water ski. During our lifetime squirrels have jumped from a less than cro-magnon level of intelligence to a level of intelligence beyond some modern humans. At this rate the average squirrel will have an IQ of over 180 by 2020. Although they do not have opposable thumbs, levels of intelligence this high will undoubtedly allow them to manipulate the material world in ways incomprehensible to us. They may already have their own governments in various countries around the world, including our own. There are over 700 million acres of forest in the US. Research shows that there 1-5 squirrels per acre of woodland. THIS MEANS THAT THERE COULD BE AS MANY AS 3.5 BILLION SQUIRRELS IN THE UNITED STATES ALONE. In Russia a pack of squirrels killed a dog. A pack of dogs can kill a human. There may be 12 times as many squirrels in the united states as humans. Therefor they may already be able to overtake us. Since we do not have diplomatic relations or communications of any kind with squirrels, they have only one way to resolve territorial disputes with us. War. Once they invent their own version of the internet they will coordinate a simultaneous global assault on the entirety of humanity. How? Where do squirrels spend most of their time? In telephone poles!! They know the layout of the power grid very well, and they know its weaknesses. Power companies often discover squirrels that have used their bodies to short circuit a transformer, killing themselves in the process. Accident? Suicide? Or perhaps these are cruel squirrel government experiments in which these squirrels are test subjects? Clearly it wont be long before squirrels take over the world. The un-slaughtered remnants of humanity will be put in zoos where they will be fed only hot pockets and energy drinks. Others will fattened up and farmed for their blubber. Still more will be subjected to inhumane medical experiments.
Squirrels continue to adapt to their surrounding with a skill that is to be admired. Squirrels are so integrated into human culture that they are almost to the point of transparency. While many humans consider them a nuisance, and try (in vain) to keep the clever Squirrels from their bird food, and other treats, Squirrels have proven an irresistable invasion force. Quick to adapt, smart and cunning, Squirrels currently thrive on over 90% of the human inhabited surface. It is hypothesized that they continue to receive insight and knowledge via Tail Reception.
While most things you have ever heard are a lie, squirrels do plan to take over the world. Their plans, conveniently located in their tails for easy access as well as making it easier to transfer their knowledge between them (see Tail Reception). Recently, as squirrels become aware of the intelligence of mankind, they have realised the knowledge we hold about them, this has been proved as when believers shot some squirrels and cut open their tails they didn't find anything! The squirrels know we are coming.
edit Advanced Squirrel attempts to subvert humankind
It has been observed that several slightly more evolved squirrels are sizing up the human race with the aim to enslave and dominate mankind.
These squirrels have been know to take to the internet looking for the gullible, the uneducated, and the downright dumb, to see how much misinformation they can deliver without the "mark" catching wise.
A common squirrel infiltration technique is to contact a fan of a well know band or artist, and feed them ridiculous and ever more unlikely data concerning album and live set list information.
Once the squirrel has fed the mark enough blatantly incorrect data without being detected, and the mark has proved him/herself to be a real Rube, the squirrel then proceeds to the last step of the exercise. Operation "Twist & Shout" is the squirrel endgame. The squirrel will try to convince the mark that the artist/band will perform Twist & Shout (made famous by The Beatles) as part of an encore set.
How easily the mark accepts this last piece of information, and passes it onto others, reflects how successful the operation has been, and indicates (on the whole) how easily the human race will be overcome by a campaign of misinformation and propaganda. Out of 128 known instances of squirrels contacting prospective "nuts" (a squirrel term) 126 marks are known to reply with a message of disbelief at (if not before) the stage where the Twist & Shout information was leaked.
edit Squirrel's in the media
Recently squirrels have begun to appear more frequently in broadcast and print media. The specific reason behind this is not entirely clear, but it is obvious that the squirrel is pushing itself from the unconscious human psyche into the forefront of human thought in order to manipulate the future generations and sneak into local positions.
In lieu of the general awakening among many humans regarding the ubiquitousness of seemingly harmless squirrels, a new informational site 42 Squirrels has sprung up to help prepare humanity for the inevitable squirrel uprising. Akin to Wikileaks, this site contains information that is considered supra-confidential by all bodies of government, and until now could only be accessed by Tommy Lee Jones, the Swedish bobsleigh team, and Mongolian president Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj.