Squidward Tentacles

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Squidward Thomasville de Testiclechew
Always a laugh with Squidward!
Name: Squidward Tentacles
Born: With 8 legs
Origin: Bikini Bottom
Instrument: Clarinet
Genre: Terrible, sounds of pain
Occupation: Cashier at the Krusty Kock

Squidward J. Tentacles is a fictional camuddgeon in the popular animated series SpongeBob SquarePants. He is a self-proclaimed "legend, star, and genius" who paints and plays the clarinet. Unfortunately, his talent is largely misunderstood by those imbecilic cretins that live in Bikini Bottom. He also works a dead-end job at fast food restaurant the Krusty Krab.

Squidward is constantly irritated by SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star, two 20-something sea creatures who blow bubbles, eat ice cream, laugh, and scream at the top of their lungs constantly. To make matters worse, SpongeBob is his companion on the Krusty Krew, ensuring his life is a living hell 24/7.


Squidward eats spongebob

One of Squidward's fantasies.

Squidward is, to put it simply, a guy who you wouldn't want to spend much time around. He lives in the underwater city of Bikini Bottom, in an Eastern Island head that appears to have sentient powers. Living on both sides of the moai is SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star, two young adults who act like children for some reason. Squidward detests his neighbors for their perpetual laughter and boisterous behavior, though SpongeBob and Patrick are oblivious to Squidward's animosity towards them and regard him as a friend.

Squidward lives in a constant state of self-pity and misery; he is unhappy with his humdrum lifestyle and yearns for celebrity status, wealth, hair, and a glamorous and distinguished career as a musician or painter with a passion for art and playing the clarinet. However, he is left to endure the lowly status as a fast-food cashier at the Krusty Krab restaurant. Squidward resents his job and is irritated by his greedy employer Mr. Krabs and by having SpongeBob as a colleague.

Squidward just wants to be left alone, but can never seem to achieve this hope, almost as if Fish-God hates him. He believes he is talented and deserves a higher social status. The bottom-feedeing citizens of Bikini Bottom can neither comprehend nor appreciate his talent, and frequently throw tomatoes at him.



Squidward Tentacles' Yearbook Photo.

It is likely that Squidward's rough teenage years resulted in his grumpy attitude we see today. Suffering from heavy acne and baldness, "Stinky Squidward" was always the butt of every student (and teacher's) joke. Many suicide attempts followed, most at the suggestions of the fellow students (who, in time, set up a 'Squidward Suicide Suggestion Box' on his locker so that people could suggest many wonderful, whacky ways of how he could bump himself off).

Eventually, however, soon it dawned on Squidward that he should have been studying instead of wallowing in his misery, and as a result failed school with zero qualifications. After this, he decided to become a stand-up comedian. He was lukewarmly-received and grew a small following, but nowhere near enough to go professional. Eventually, Squidward decided to take a low-end at the Krusty Krab fast food restaurant to tide himself over, which is where he works to this day.

Squidward the Single Man

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Squidward Tentacles.

Due to Squidward's well publicied phobia to women he currently lives on his own in a big Easter Island head in Bikini Bottom. He's refuted claims that he is gay, brushing off these rumours and telling them that he just hasn't met the right clarinet yet. He was questioned about the images of him and Spongebob that are all over the Internet and promptly murdered 72 reporters in the room.

Squidward has tried dating. His list of dates are impressive, some saying going into double figures. But the fact remains, according to Squidward, that he's still looking for 'Miss Right'. Fortunately, Spongebob hasn't yet found the hidden camera in his shower room.

Sudden Death

Squidward died suddenly on October 22nd, 2087 after contracting a fatal case of the brainworms. Unfortunately, nobody believed him this time (well, they didn't believe him last time either) and died a slow, painful, agonising death. Witnesses said that his cries of death-inducing pain were actually 'more tuneful than the shite he used to do with that horn thing'.

Squidward was buried next to what people said was his good friend Spongebob ensuring an eternity of companionship until the end of time.

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